I'm struggling with DH's hobbies.

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I will start this by saying dh is usually wonderful, he does lots round the house and is a fantastic father. I'm not working currently due to MH issues and he works full time.

He does a martial art two nights a week, and has an extra practice session with his brother on a third night. He is also in a band and at this time of year has a gig once a week. So that's four nights every week that he's either out of the house or unavailable.

Ds2 is four and will not settle in bed for me, but will settle happily for dh. I know it's not ideal but it's how it is for now. So for four nights a week he is either up until dh is home or asleep on me, meaning I can't easily get up without disturbing him.

I feel like I want to ask dh to be out fewer nights. But I don't know if I'm just being pathetic. I'm exhausted today as Ds doesn't have preschool on a Monday so it's been a full on day. I'm currently lying in bed with him in the vain hope he'll give in and go to sleep, dh is downstairs practising. I could cry.

I don't know if I'm just being pathetic about this and it's my problem.

I suppose I'm just wondering how many nights is normal to devote to hobbies outside the family?

I feel like because he's so good and involved the rest of the time I should just suck it up. Especially when I have free time to myself for three whole days every week. Should I just man up?

You can't possibly be having equal free time.

The OP's son is at pre-school 3 days a week, so she gets 3 full days off, assuming she has just the one child, which is arguably more than 4 evenings for someone who works FT and is supporting someone with MH issues the remaining time.

The actual problem here is that the OP is being played by a 4 year old and that is preventing her having evenings as free time.

Put child in bed, say goodnight, walk out of room repeatedly saying "good night" and ignoring all protests to the contrary. Done. I know that sounds harsh but it really is that simple.

keyser yeah I didn't see that until after I posted. I stil think 4 evenings out is a lot when there is a child, but she does get a lot of time.

I also winder if the child's fussiness when dad isn't there is because he is both picking up on his mum's general anxiety and because he simply misses his dad.

Pre-school is usually a few hours in the morning, isn't it? And I would guarantee the OP is using that spare time to run errands and get stuff done at home that she can't do with a 4 year old. It's not 'me time' in the way hobbies out of the house in the evening are.

I think four nights is way too much.

Pre-school is only a few hours in the morning and OP has said she does most of the housework, so of course she isn't getting the same amount of downtime as the H.

Personally, I would ask him to choose one hobby and ditch the other one for now. Four evenings a week is far too much. When do you have time together??

He is downstairs practicing, when OP writes her OP? So, he could be doing bedtime, right now? 4 does seem a lot. Maybe cut to 3 - drop the extra practice with his brother, until this is sorted.
But the main thing is to get ds bedtime sorted, so he's not running you ragged. Hard when you have MH problems, but you seriously just need to do this.

If he cuts his nights out and does more of DS's bedtimes, the problem of him only settling for DH and not you is only going to get worse. As hard as it may be, you need to crack bed times. DD used to only settle for me and it meant I was chained to the house in the evenings until she was asleep. It was a pain. We committed to DH doing it every night for a week and I didn't intervene once. By the end of the week she was used to DH doing it so stopped playing up. She's 2 now and we split it equally (tough as I also have an EBF 4 month old) so we don't fall into a trap like they again.

I agree with the others, if the bedtime is your only problem with Dh being out then find ways to sort that out. This will help you in future if you have other issues with your ds not wanting to do what you tell him.

Four nights out is a lot.

OP might find it easier to get DS to learn to settle for her if DH was downstairs to offer a hug though!

Se said she has three whole days im her op.

I don't think saying 'man/woman up' to you is going to be that helpful. No, you haven't cracked bedtimes - but I am sure that there are loads of other aspects of parenting that you do really well. Nor does it sound like a 'shut the door and go' approach is going to suit you.

I suggest that you try 'gradual retreat' - you start off sitting beside his bed, then slightly further away, then by the door. But, also use something to distract him. There is a beautiful CD on Amazon called 'Lullaby' (it has a blue and pink cover) - very slow, very mellow vocals... Or try story CDs.

Thanks all of you. Ds goes to preschool 9-3 three days a week, I do the housework in those days, watch tv, sometimes have a nap.

I know i need to tackle bedtimes but I'm so tired by the evenings I don't have the stamina and it's 'easier' just to let him fall asleep with me. I know that's my fault.

I'll talk to dh tonight about bedtimes and try to come to a better arrangement.

Your DH works full time, takes a few hours out for three of four nights a week and you are a SAHM (for now)
I know you have some MH issues but I do think it's time to 'suck it up'

Now is YOUR opportunity to work out how to settle your DS.

I work full-time - I don't bugger off and leave bedtime to my DH four nights a week. This is a lot of the DH's available family time that he is off doing something else.

You should try and do other things than just housework and tv during the day, even if it is just going for a walk. Seems you could do with more social activities. Instead of tv, go out. If you don't, then all your life is just kids and housework, which is dull and draining and is not likely to help your self esteem or MH issues.

I work full-time - I don't bugger off and leave bedtime to my DH four nights a week.

But does your DH also work FT? If so, fair enough. The OP doesnt work and has 18 hours free time every week (probably 10 after accounting for housework). The other 2 days she has one 4 year old at home during school hours who presumably entertains himself a fair bit - it's not like she's got two under two requiring constant supervision. On the basis that equal leisure time is probably the best indicator of a fair division of labour, the OP is still "up" even taking her partner's hobbies into account. Bedtime takes an hour max. if she gets it sorted. She then has the rest of the evening to do what she wants.

I sympathise with the MH issues, but I dont think it's reasonable to expect the DH to take up all the slack. He's exercising twice a week (completely reasonable and frankly, we should all be doing that), playing music in the house one night and then out one night at a gig. It's not like he's out clubbing and boozing till 4am.

No, my DH is a SAHD.

I think as you have the 3 days to yourself it is not unreasonable of your dh to have some leisure time in the evenings, and 4 evening doesn't seem excessive to me when you say he is involved and does his share of housework and parenting when he is there. Could he maybe enable you to have a few hours to yourself on a weekend while you get your medication evened out? That might help you catch up?

Agree the 4yo needs to be put in his room at bedtime and left to it. If he's still awake when dh comes in then he could pop in but really he should be able to understand that it is quiet time and he is to lay down with a book or play quietly.

Would he stay in bed if he could listen to an audiobook? It could be your's and his 'special routine' that nights when daddy isn't there he can have a story on the cd player to listen to, as long as he stays in bed and is quiet?

www.amazon.co.uk/Lullaby-Beautiful-Soothing-Collection-Children/dp/B0012IWIZ4

I should be on commission from these people!

Your DH is working FT and, given your description of yourself, is your carer. He takes 4 evenings off each week; let him go, with your blessing. It's in your own interest.

I agree with TracyBarlow and ThisIsStillFolkGirl.

The OP's DH is not her "carer", he works full time and is out 4 nights a week, so he's not exactly spending a lot of time caring for her (let alone their child) is he?!

It's important for parents to have hobbies and time for themselves, but 4 nights a week is too much. He has responsibilities, as a father, but he should also want to spend time with his partner and child. If my DH was spending so much time on hobbies I'd be hurt.

Living with someone with a mental health problem is difficult, but living with the mental health problem yourself is even more difficult. So I think the OP's partner should be supporting her a bit more.

OP, do you think the meds are helping? I know they can take a while to work (and for the side effects to calm down) but if it's been a while are they're still not helping, please go back to your GP. Are you getting any kind of therapy like CBT or counselling?

Could you suggest to your DH that he reduces his activities to 3 nights a week instead of 4? He could give up 1 night of martial arts (which still leaves 1 night a week) or the extra practice with his brother. And if he keeps up the practice with his brother, ask him to schedule it later so he can help you put DS to bed first.

When he is at home does he spend more time on his hobbies (ie practising his instrument or martial art)? Does he also spend time doing nice things with you eg chatting, cooking, watching tv together?

OP has said that if she could settle the children she'd have no problem with her DH's hobby. I never had a problem with my DH's for the same reason she mentioned. It was 'my time' to veg out, read garbage, and do nothing (once the kids were abed). OP doesn't necessarily want or need to 'get out of the house' (although it may do her good if MH is an issue). As a rule I was pretty much a homebody by choice (although I worked FT which may be why I enjoyed quiet time at home). I'd occasionally have dinner or go to a movie with BFF but I really wasn't one for 'night's out' nor did I feel the need to demand 'equal time'.

I think if OP can solve the bedtime routine problem (with her DH's help since he seems to have the knack) then things will be good.

He's not my carer in any real sense of the word, although he does pick up a lot of my slack.

Last night was interesting, he was in so I went to bed at 8pm. He said he'd bring Ds up to me in a bit. I said no, I'm going up to sleep, you need to either put him to bed or settle him down here. He looked a bit put out and said 'but I wanted to watch tv'. I said yes, well I'm tired, and went to bed. He settled him down here and brought him up when he came to bed.

He's out tonight so it's my night, in determined to do bath, story, bed and get him into bed by 8pm. Wish me luck.

To answer some other questions, dh works 7-3 so does a lot of parenting etc after work, I always worked ft before this bout of illness so we have always done a good 50/50 split of chores and childcare, I do most of the housework now but he still does a lot of active parenting, for eg he took Ds2 to the park after preschool for an hour. I don't resent his free time at all, just hate doing the evening shift on my own. If I can crack bedtime that won't be a problem anymore.

Feel free to ignore but a suggestion to crack bedtime is to do the rewarding positive behaviour route.

First thing is to crack what really motivates him - what treat, thing, etc? What would he walk over hot coals to have/ do? If it's small, promise that he can have/ do it in the morning after he has gone to bed successfully. If it's a bigger ask, use a reward chart and get him to earn enough tokens to get his reward. It's a purely behavioural approach and if done correctly and consistently it absolutely works.

What you need to do ensure success is
a) ensure the thing he's working for motivates him HIGHLY. You could try asking him what he desires - my son often surprises me with a very, very modest or unusual wish.
b) be clear what you are asking him to do. Nothing vague at all. For example if you want him to be physically asleep an hour after bedtime starts, set a visual timer for an hour as soon as bedtime starts (there are tons of phone apps etc) then he can watch it count down.
c) set him up for success. He must feel when he's starting out on this behavioural change that he is doing really well at it. You may want to set a timer for longer at first, or whatever you do make it initially very easily achievable for him (you can get stricter later). Do not comment or react in any way to undesirable behaviour simply praise the desirable behaviour.

I am not saying to do those particular suggestions as they may not be relevant to your DS's particular going to bed issues, was just an example.

You will not have to reward him for going to bed every day of his life thereafter! You will naturally fade it as the new behaviour becomes his new normal.

Just a thought, but best of luck to you whichever way you do it.

PS If you are interested in doing a behavioural approach, I could come up with suggestions if you tell me your bedtime routine, in particular the bits that go 'wrong'. I am not a behaviour analyst but have had professionals in our house every week day for years, doing behavioural work with one of my DC who has SN. I now use the same techniques on my 'typical' child and swear by them!