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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

31 replies

snowtime · 27/11/2015 00:52

I am 4 months in to a new relationship after a horrible end to my last relationship which was 18 months ago. I have read living with the dominator as the freedom programme is not available in my area. To be clear I have known new man for a couple of years, we get on well the majority of the time. We're no spring chickens, both in our forties. I have 2 teenage dc who he has met before we were in a relationship. I'd be the first to admit I can be hard work due to issues from previous partner and narcissistic abuse. Don't want to go into too much detail just giving a bit of background. So my issue is today I was very upset. I called new man & could hardly speak through crying. I managed to explain what was wrong & he just said he didn't know what to say. He didn't offer to come over although he's only about 10 minutes away. I didn't ask him to. We were supposed to be seeing each other at some point today but hadn't made firm plans. By 7 tonight I hadn't heard from him again since the phone call this morning so I sent a text asking why. His reply was he had been busy. Am I expecting too much to think he might have been concerned about me or contacted me?

OP posts:

amarmai · 27/11/2015 01:01

maybe he is not able to handle this .perhaps this is a message re what to expect. hope you can handle it op or get professional help.is there anyone else you can call.

Threefishys · 27/11/2015 01:03

I suspect he was on the spot when you phoned up crying and genuinely didn't know what to say or do so avoided saying or doing anything.. were you upset about something he could help with? Did you say you wanted him to come over? If you just expected him to instinctively know how to react to a crying woman then you need to date a woman I'm afraid not a man.

Threefishys · 27/11/2015 01:07

I personally think that four months in is early days to expect any real depth of emotional support that kind of intimacy takes longer to build, is its too be real and lasting. So possibly you were expecting a little too much. Sorry if that's harsh.

pinotblush · 27/11/2015 01:18

I also dont mean to be harsh but why did you call him crying? It's a very new relationship and to be honest if someone poured all their troubles out to me after a few months I'd run for the hills.

As another poster has said, maybe a bit of professional help is the answer.

goddessofsmallthings · 27/11/2015 01:56

It would help if you reveal what caused you to phone him rather than, say, a close female friend?

I'd be the first to admit I can be hard work due to issues from previous partner and narcissistic abuse

If this "hard work" is of the type that had you calling him in tears today, it could be that he's not got back to you because he's weighing up the pros and cons of continuing a relationship with an emotionally needy woman.

We're no spring chickens, both in our forties You've made it sound as if you're both in your dotage and should simply settle for each other, but 50 is the new 30 and you should be looking forward to being able to broaden your horizons now that your dc are close to becoming independent adults.

Are you aware that you can do the Freedom Programme online? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Original poster

snowtime · 27/11/2015 06:25

Ok so I phoned him because I knew he was at home & it was a practical thing regarding my house which is for sale. I wasn't crying when I made the call but got upset when I explained that it was possible that it was something deliberately sabotaged by my exp. It also affected the fact that we were supposed to be seeing each other as it meant me needing to be at home all day.The pp who said he's weighing up the pros & cons has summed up my thoughts exactly.

OP posts:

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 27/11/2015 06:29

Mm, if I'm being brutally honest, then yes, I think there are red flags here, but he is not the one flying them.

I can't imagine phoning someone I'd been seeing for 4 months and crying down the phone at them. I'd be mortified if I'd done that.

Why did you call him and not a friend?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 27/11/2015 06:30

Sorry x post

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 27/11/2015 06:31

But yes, I think he's probably weighing it up. I would be.

More than that, if I were you, I'd probably be wondering if I were ready for a new relationship.

Original poster

snowtime · 27/11/2015 06:36

Thanks for your honesty. I thought I was ready but now I think maybe I'm not.

OP posts:

category12 · 27/11/2015 06:44

Oh for goodness sake, mumsnetters - a 40 odd year old man who doesn't know what to say to a crying woman? Where has he been, living without contact with women all his life?

And what about honesty, are we really advocating pretending to have no emotions for however long in a relationship and then what, at six months unleash them, once he thinks you're one kind of person but actually you've been hiding yourself?

I would expect a 4mth bf to say soothing stuff and ask how you are later on. I wouldn't expect him to come rushing round over a house-sale matter, but would if it was a real emergency. I'd expect him to express disappointment over not seeing me, if our plans came to naught. If his contact was different than usual because I'd been upset last time we spoke, I'd think he's a bit inadequate.

Threefishys · 27/11/2015 07:47

I think you're in the minority category12

whatdoIget · 27/11/2015 07:52

I think it depends on what kind of relationship you have with him? If it's just a casual dating/fwbmomd of thing, then you shouldn't expect emotional support. If it's more serious then yes, I would expect him to show some sympathy and appear to give a shit that you were upset, and it would be very strange that he seems not to.

eddielizzard · 27/11/2015 07:52

i agree - i think 4 months in is still very early. i would be phoning family or friends for that kind of support.

neediness is very unattractive - i know it's a hard thing to hear - and early in the relationship you want fun and sex. i think it's too full on. sorry, i know that's harsh.

pissedonatrain · 27/11/2015 08:01

Seems pretty OTT to be calling someone you've only been dating 4 months with that kind of drama. I hope you're not moaning to him about the ex a lot?

Why didn't you call family or close friend?

Joysmum · 27/11/2015 08:11

Really?

If I'd been seeing anyone for even 4 weeks, let alone 4 months, and I knew they were upset, I'd had called/texted the next day with a 'hope you're feeling better now?'

I don't think that's too much although I'd not have gone over that night

Happyinthehills · 27/11/2015 08:22

Why didn't you simply ask him to help?
If he's anything like my own DH crying at him was only ever going to put him off.

Colourmylife1 · 27/11/2015 08:23

I'm with the minority too on this one. I don't think OP was over the top and I too would expect at least a text asking how I was. I do agree it depends on the nature of the relationship and how it is progressing.

Trills · 27/11/2015 08:32

Calling your boyfriend when you are upset - not unusual.

Crying so much you can hardly speak - hard for him to deal with "correctly" because what is correct is different for different people.

You're expecting him to call you again, but maybe he is "treating others as you would wish them to treat you" and maybe what he'd prefer in this situation is to be left alone until he was feeling better.

Maybe he was expecting you to call him and confirm whether you were still on for the evening plans or whether you were too upset.

FredaMayor · 27/11/2015 08:43

IIWM I would be disappointed that BF was not more sympathetic and did not offer to come round, even for half an hour just to lend an ear. Selling a house is massively stressful, and four months is long enough for there to be a rapport. BF sound rather passive on the basis of what you have told us, OP.

Threefishys · 27/11/2015 08:51

Selling a house is massively stressful but as Op said the stress on this occasion was caused by her exp....at 4 months if I was the BF I would be backing away from that whole situation - nobody wants to invite stress into their lives. Again harsh but true I think. By all means show your bf you're upset but let's be fair he can't make it right for you, its nothing he did and it looks like it could rumble on - I got to be honest, I would be avoiding the drama as a new partner too.

Original poster

snowtime · 27/11/2015 09:16

He was well aware of the situation before we got together as we have been friends for a while. I was reluctant to get into a relationship because I know I have issues - who wouldn't have when you have dealt with something like this? I'm not feeling sorry for myself btw. HE persuaded me to give it a try but I feel he is emotionally cold towards me. Maybe I'm expecting too much & this/any relationship's not for me.

OP posts:

Threefishys · 27/11/2015 09:21

I think Op you are intuitive and that's a good thing - I think you are expecting too much at this stage and amongst what you are dealing with. that doesn't mean either of you are in the wrong just timing wrong? I daresay he fancies you and wants to enjoy the honeymoon period with hassle so is staying out of it. I don't think he's unreasonable if that's the case. I also imagine he's not really emotionally cold just typically male and not really knowing how to react to your upset that he can't solve. If you want more than he can give the timing is off and nothing will change that.

category12 · 27/11/2015 09:27

If you feel like that, I think you'd be better without him, not try to make it work or accepting less than you need.

Maybe you're not in the right place for a relationship or maybe he's too cold for you, either way there's an incompatibility. And that he persuaded you to give it a shot, well, that to me is a worry - it should be you feeling ready to date and have fun with someone, not being convinced into it.

I'd pull back and get some things sorted in your life and only start dating from a happy place.

DrMorbius · 27/11/2015 09:41

For me the Red Flag(s) is the no contact re: the date.

Probably not a Red Flag with him not supporting your emotional call about an issue that obviously has a long and troubled past (selling house and exP). Thats subjective. He may well have thought he supported you, you may disagree but it is subjective.

But if you had plans to go out(tentative), and then he does not get in touch. Then says he is too busy, when you contact him. That's a red flag. The caveat being was it a casual date? what is your usual way of organising these sort of things (do you call, does he call)?

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