Is this a red flag?

[snowtime]

I am 4 months in to a new relationship after a horrible end to my last relationship which was 18 months ago. I have read living with the dominator as the freedom programme is not available in my area. To be clear I have known new man for a couple of years, we get on well the majority of the time. We're no spring chickens, both in our forties. I have 2 teenage dc who he has met before we were in a relationship. I'd be the first to admit I can be hard work due to issues from previous partner and narcissistic abuse. Don't want to go into too much detail just giving a bit of background. So my issue is today I was very upset. I called new man & could hardly speak through crying. I managed to explain what was wrong & he just said he didn't know what to say. He didn't offer to come over although he's only about 10 minutes away. I didn't ask him to. We were supposed to be seeing each other at some point today but hadn't made firm plans. By 7 tonight I hadn't heard from him again since the phone call this morning so I sent a text asking why. His reply was he had been busy. Am I expecting too much to think he might have been concerned about me or contacted me?

[amarmai]

strangers have shown kindness to me many times . Op since you have been friends with this man for more than 2 years and HE was the one who persuaded you to sleep with him, i'd def cut that off now he's shown his true selfish colours. Look after yourself op and try for other support.

[snowtime]

You're right it's not the right time for me and him and I now know I'm not ready for any relationship. I have broken up with him. I have explained why & he is shocked and doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I'm not blaming him for My issues but the fact that he doesn't "get me" when we have been friends throughout the last two years when I have gone through some,awful stuff to me means he never will. Still feeling sad though

[eddielizzard]

you're right that if he were in the least bit concerned for you a simple text was all that was needed. it's shit to disappear when you need him.

i think you aren't able to give each other what you both need at the moment.

[category12]

You're right, imo. It's not like he's a brand new person in your life, you've known each other as friends for a couple of years - and now in a relationship he persuaded you to try, he's not giving you what a friend would offer. So nope, it's not right. Don't settle for less than you need.

[snowtime]

I'm asking on mn because I don't have a lot of rl support. I appreciate all the responses but I don't think I did anything wrong in phoning him, the crying wasnt intentional I just became overwhelmed & I'm not mortified about it. Yes I am the one with the issues but I have to question that he did not get in touch to see if I was ok or to see whether we were meeting up & left it for me to contact him & then said he was busy. I think you're right & this is not the right time for me & him but even as a friend I would have expected him to call & see if I was ok. I've been through an awful lot & yes i have high standards & expectations because I dont want to go through it again. He's not right for me

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

If you are on MN questioning who IBU about a 4 month relationship then you two are not well suited to each other. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong. And I think there is a bit of both here.

You haven't even sorted out the fallout from your previous abusive marriage, he can sabotage the sale of the house.

You and new man sound not best suited to each other at this time.

You don't seem to be in the right place for a new relationship yet anyway.

[DrMorbius]

For me the Red Flag(s) is the no contact re: the date.

Probably not a Red Flag with him not supporting your emotional call about an issue that obviously has a long and troubled past (selling house and exP). Thats subjective. He may well have thought he supported you, you may disagree but it is subjective.

But if you had plans to go out(tentative), and then he does not get in touch. Then says he is too busy, when you contact him. That's a red flag. The caveat being was it a casual date? what is your usual way of organising these sort of things (do you call, does he call)?

[category12]

If you feel like that, I think you'd be better without him, not try to make it work or accepting less than you need.

Maybe you're not in the right place for a relationship or maybe he's too cold for you, either way there's an incompatibility. And that he persuaded you to give it a shot, well, that to me is a worry - it should be you feeling ready to date and have fun with someone, not being convinced into it.

I'd pull back and get some things sorted in your life and only start dating from a happy place.

[Threefishys]

I think Op you are intuitive and that's a good thing - I think you are expecting too much at this stage and amongst what you are dealing with. that doesn't mean either of you are in the wrong just timing wrong? I daresay he fancies you and wants to enjoy the honeymoon period with hassle so is staying out of it. I don't think he's unreasonable if that's the case. I also imagine he's not really emotionally cold just typically male and not really knowing how to react to your upset that he can't solve. If you want more than he can give the timing is off and nothing will change that.

[snowtime]

He was well aware of the situation before we got together as we have been friends for a while. I was reluctant to get into a relationship because I know I have issues - who wouldn't have when you have dealt with something like this? I'm not feeling sorry for myself btw. HE persuaded me to give it a try but I feel he is emotionally cold towards me. Maybe I'm expecting too much & this/any relationship's not for me.

[Threefishys]

Selling a house is massively stressful but as Op said the stress on this occasion was caused by her exp....at 4 months if I was the BF I would be backing away from that whole situation - nobody wants to invite stress into their lives. Again harsh but true I think. By all means show your bf you're upset but let's be fair he can't make it right for you, its nothing he did and it looks like it could rumble on - I got to be honest, I would be avoiding the drama as a new partner too.

[FredaMayor]

IIWM I would be disappointed that BF was not more sympathetic and did not offer to come round, even for half an hour just to lend an ear. Selling a house is massively stressful, and four months is long enough for there to be a rapport. BF sound rather passive on the basis of what you have told us, OP.

[Trills]

Calling your boyfriend when you are upset - not unusual.

Crying so much you can hardly speak - hard for him to deal with "correctly" because what is correct is different for different people.

You're expecting him to call you again, but maybe he is "treating others as you would wish them to treat you" and maybe what he'd prefer in this situation is to be left alone until he was feeling better.

Maybe he was expecting you to call him and confirm whether you were still on for the evening plans or whether you were too upset.

[Colourmylife1]

I'm with the minority too on this one. I don't think OP was over the top and I too would expect at least a text asking how I was. I do agree it depends on the nature of the relationship and how it is progressing.

[Happyinthehills]

Why didn't you simply ask him to help?
If he's anything like my own DH crying at him was only ever going to put him off.

[Joysmum]

Really?

If I'd been seeing anyone for even 4 weeks, let alone 4 months, and I knew they were upset, I'd had called/texted the next day with a 'hope you're feeling better now?'

I don't think that's too much although I'd not have gone over that night

[pissedonatrain]

Seems pretty OTT to be calling someone you've only been dating 4 months with that kind of drama. I hope you're not moaning to him about the ex a lot?

Why didn't you call family or close friend?

[eddielizzard]

i agree - i think 4 months in is still very early. i would be phoning family or friends for that kind of support.

neediness is very unattractive - i know it's a hard thing to hear - and early in the relationship you want fun and sex. i think it's too full on. sorry, i know that's harsh.

[whatdoIget]

I think it depends on what kind of relationship you have with him? If it's just a casual dating/fwbmomd of thing, then you shouldn't expect emotional support. If it's more serious then yes, I would expect him to show some sympathy and appear to give a shit that you were upset, and it would be very strange that he seems not to.

[Threefishys]

I think you're in the minority category12

[category12]

Oh for goodness sake, mumsnetters - a 40 odd year old man who doesn't know what to say to a crying woman? Where has he been, living without contact with women all his life?

And what about honesty, are we really advocating pretending to have no emotions for however long in a relationship and then what, at six months unleash them, once he thinks you're one kind of person but actually you've been hiding yourself?

I would expect a 4mth bf to say soothing stuff and ask how you are later on. I wouldn't expect him to come rushing round over a house-sale matter, but would if it was a real emergency. I'd expect him to express disappointment over not seeing me, if our plans came to naught. If his contact was different than usual because I'd been upset last time we spoke, I'd think he's a bit inadequate.

[snowtime]

Thanks for your honesty. I thought I was ready but now I think maybe I'm not.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

But yes, I think he's probably weighing it up. I would be.

More than that, if I were you, I'd probably be wondering if I were ready for a new relationship.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

Sorry x post

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

Mm, if I'm being brutally honest, then yes, I think there are red flags here, but he is not the one flying them.

I can't imagine phoning someone I'd been seeing for 4 months and crying down the phone at them. I'd be mortified if I'd done that.

Why did you call him and not a friend?