Dc school has sent social services after me

[mincepied]

Have nc but have been MN regular for many years. Really need your advice!

Bit of background here:

After a few international moves found ourselves back in the UK with kids. One goes to school x, the others go to school y. This has had a severe impact on us as a family, I now spent more than 2 hours each day driving, parking, picking up kids and incurring extra costs for driver in the morning for one child and breakfast/after school club. The traffic here is bad and as I have a baby I'm also dealing with broken nights and have no help in house or with childcare.

My dad fell very ill and is now wheelchair bound, my mum is barely coping and I feel terrible not being able to help them, they are abroad. Mum downloads everything on me and somehow I cracked.

Thought it was menopause but was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and prescribed escitalopram and it has made such a big difference to my life, I am so grateful to my lovely, caring GP who saw what was wrong with me.

School y is a very competitive, heavily oversubscribed primary. Not long ago a parent took his own life, they had been trying to get both children into the school and could only get one place. Whatever the reasons he killed himself and now the school is desperate to give his family that missing space.

We are moving early in the new year to another county, less stress in terms of infrastructure and schools so all happy there.

Then this happened: headmistress asked me for a chat. Out of the blue she said school x has told me you are leaving and then highlighted the fact that she would like to know when we are going so she can give places to other families. Told me the story about the suicide and I felt she tried to exert pressure on me to hand in our notice. I said I didn't want to do this as contracts can fall through until we are certain.

I told DH and he went to see her the next day declaring my meds and saying she shouldn't have spoken to me like this and pressured me.

Headmistress now taken long leave of absence and her deputy has become concerned with our family.

Both dc are doing great in school, at parents evening the teachers were gushing what a credit the children are to me, delight to teach, etc.

Deputy rang DH and asked if all was okay with me, he had heard I'd been unwell and was he aware that I left the baby with a neighbour while baby slept and baby talker on. DH said yes and all good.

Then another phone call about kids absence why we're they sick, can he help at all.

Then another call, to say how great to see them back and would we like any help from social services. Husband said no need but thanks.

Today my youngest was bawling outside school gates about not wanting to wear something. Howling. She was tired, she's only 4, youngest in class. Another mum same issue with her son.

I explained to teacher but returned with books after dropping other dc off. So then her teacher comes out and says: why was dc upset, was it reall just her hair. She was crying yesterday in playtime.

(She cried she told me because some girls weren't allowing her to participate in a group game).

Then social services (!!!) rang DH today and asked if all was alright and saying school had asked them to investigate if I'm a fit mother. School were concerned.

I am so bloody upset, tried very hard not to cry all day but feeling awful. Feel like a failure. I'm being made to feel like a leper.

I used to hold a director post in the city, we are very middle class, I have had a family illness, a hardworking DH and absolutely no help so I'm sorry I developed anxiety issues. I'm sorry I was open about it.

Now I am scared to walk into school, picking up my kids, dropping off, I feel watched and judged. I spoke to ss and he was a lovely officer. But why has this escalated?

Gosh what a daft thing for him to say What is he referring to?

Stop worrying about what the school think. You haven't done anything wrong. There's nothing to be worried about. SS will not get involved. There is no cause for concern.
What is the cause for concern is your DP and his big mouth. How dare he divulge personal information about you? What on earth was he thinking. And why would SS ring him about you? I don't believe a word of it. It's unethical.
He has turned a solvable problem into a nightmare.

Goodness, is DH a novelist?

I still think the school's on hyper-alert due to recent sad events.

Regarding the disputes above, isn't this mostly about differing perspectives? If you're a child protection officer, parents with alarming mental health problems are likely to feature prominently in your daily experience, while the masses of stressed-out folks muddling through on citalopram flow under your radar. A mental health professional sees people in all levels of distress and is likely to feel people need personal attention as much as medication. She's also likely to be skilled in assessing someone's level of distress from a fairly short conversation. If you're a GP assessing a mental health complaint, you're likely to take the patient's word and try them on citalopram; you've got all sorts of other ailments to deal with. And if you're a teacher, you have no specialist MH knowledge and are just as biased, as ignorant and as informed as the next person.

I just think each of you is telling it how it looks from your perspective - which may not be totally unbiased or informed by global knowledge :)

Fucksake, what kind of comment is that?? What on earth is wrong with him, what an alarming, overdramatic thing to say. Dear me, no wonder they panicked, he made it sound like Amityville

OP all sounds very stressful. As all have said above - sounds like the suicide of a parent has made school very nervy. However, you should have been informed that the referral was being made. The only exception to that is if the person making the referral believes informing the family will increase the risk.
Given it sounds like DH wasn't having the best of days either - is there any change the DHT did tell him he was going to contact social services?? Also it might be the SS got the info that DH had said alarming stuff and actually wanted to check with him (as he was saying it!) what was going on??
Check with school what the intention and content of the referral was. Was it a child protection referral? (Which you don't need consent for, but need grounds for and still should inform unless it would heighten the risk). Or was it a different referral (SS near me have teams for children with LD or health problems; and will engage with families who need support - in a preventative way - ie no current CP concerns). Other referrals are voluntary and with family consent.

Hello there [santa]

Sorry been absent due to Christmas caroling, nativity play preps and general laziness. Apologies!!

Yes my husband must have a novelist streak in him and I have shoved a broom so far up his arse he's still sweeping Oxford Street

Clearly there has been a breach of confidentiality but I think the school is arse covering. What with the recent suicide and general clamour for places.

We have been bullied over the school places, to give them up as soon as possible while we haven't even enrolled children in new schools.

The board of governors is not a good place to complain, one of the guys on that board just got done for tax fraud

In the parents evening after that conversation I was lauded how my children are wonderful to have in class, what a credit to me, blah blah.

Then SW called husband, rang me and called my lovely GP. Latter confirmed diagnosis on back of ageing parents or of whom has suffered a life changing illness and being an only child and close to them it has affected me deeply. He confirmed I am on low level meds and coping very well and he has seen the children and my interaction with them and can attest to my soundness of mind and general good parenting skills.

Phew. .

Deputy head then apologised to husband but never a word to me. Feel very sad, going into school now makes me so anxious, worried what people think/say.

I'm trying to put it behind me but I feel so watched and judged.

Does anyone know how long these files are being kept??

Nananina, thank you for your brilliant advice!! I have read the report and they felt the children were at risk due to my ongoing fragile mental health Pretty damn ing and so far from the truth but there you go.

I wish to complain but don't know to whom?

It was a child referral. Children considered to be at harm from my alleged fragile mental health.

What do you want to complain about?

Who do you complain to about your husband, as it seems he's the one who set off the chain of events with his driving comment?

Your dh should have kept his mouth shut. That's what it boils down to.

Your dc's school sounds delightful.

It was a confidential conversation with the head who's now off for medical reasons at the time the inquest into the suicide is being heard.

Procedures in the school book are being laid out as a parent consultation has to be had yet this was not put into place. I am also not of "fragile mental health" so there's plain and simple exaggeration on hearsay.

Pulling me aside in front of other parents has led to rumours among the parent body.

Bullying me to give up my children's places when they are not yet enrolled into other schools.

I wholeheartedly agree my DH was an arse and talking out of turn. Still, I think this situation was badly handled and I would like to complain.

If I am making an arse of myself please feel free to tell me

I just feel I have been made to look awful when I am in reality a loving caring parent who happens to have had a hard time with my Dad's illness and general stress of an international move and two school runs and all the entailing stress. If you were in my shoes would you just go away and accept this treatment?

Honestly, mincepied, I can understand how upsetting it has been, but yes, you'll be making an arse of yourself if you complain. There is no such thing as confidential where safeguarding (child protection) is concerned and there was no breach of confidentiality.

Also, unless the conversation was very different to your op, you weren't bullied into giving up the place. You were asked if you were going to be moving.

Hi mincepied, I've read most of the thread and you've had great advice - I've no idea how long the files are kept for but .... some years ago (I'd say nine or 10) I was referred to SS, not by the school but by a "concerned" (read "interfering") family member (to whom I was not close) who apparently felt that my MH was compromised by being a totally single parent and working long hours - DD was eight or nine at the time. Partially true as I was suffering from anxiety/guilt a lot of the time and had zero in terms of a support network.

Anyway the SS man came for a meeting with a) DD at her school (headmistress was present throughout) and b) me at my place of work - he was quite surprised to find that, like you, I was a director (although clearly, MH issues and child abuse are not limited to one group of any sort). Upshot was that we (DD and I) both gave very calm, measured and truthful responses which were virtually identical and he wrote a report, with a copy sent to me, saying that he couldn't detect any problem at all and that he was closing the file - or something like that. I haven't heard anything at all from them since. I was tempted to send the report back with the numerous spelling and grammatical errors corrected, but thought that that might be pushing it.

I really wouldn't worry about that aspect of it. As others have said, I'm sure that they are being extra vigilant because of the suicide.

I loathe social services, and would have nothing to do with them what so ever if it could be avoided. In that time honored phrase, please excuse my language, I wouldn't trust them to wipe their own a**e

I would post in legal. I think you have been unfairly discriminated against and the school have caused you undue anxiety. Have social services said that your children are on the at risk register? I can't believe they would have done that, especially after talking to your GP. I wouldn't

lougle i might be mistaken but i think the breach of confidentiality the OP is refering to is with regards to the school telling her details of another parent's suicide.

I believe that records are kept until the child is 19.
There is no breach of confidentiality, they could never have offered that in the first place when it comes to safeguarding.
If SS look into it and conclude that there are no issues and you don't need any further support, then it will be closed and that will be the end of it.
I can understand their concern given your husband's comment so I'm not sure there is any benefit in making a complaint.

There is no such thing as an at risk register.

Was there not a breach of confidentiality when the Head told you of the suicide, and the need for a place for the other child? I expect I've misunderstood.

Yes, sorry for any misconceptions there about confidentiality.

I was quite taken aback by how headmistress told me and DH lots about parent suicide and resulting issues for family and what led to the father killing himself.

I understand DHS conversation is not confidential if it refers to my kids being looked after if I seemingly can't.

I was really lost for words as to what headmistress divulged.

If this was me, the bereaved widow I'd be very to see my affairs being made public like this, even if it was to another family. Surely this is a private matter.

Taking your words to heart, I will just move on and chalk this one up to experience. I won't talk to anyone anymore about my MH.

Thank you ladies for all your input. Name changing back. Appreciate all the time you have given to me and my worries. Xx

The record will remain there, just in case it is relevant to later issues your DC have. Just as SS have to keep a record of anything reported to them, even if malicious or made by the one at fault.
It shouldn't affect anything.

Ah I see, my mistake.