Dc school has sent social services after me

[mincepied]

Have nc but have been MN regular for many years. Really need your advice!

Bit of background here:

After a few international moves found ourselves back in the UK with kids. One goes to school x, the others go to school y. This has had a severe impact on us as a family, I now spent more than 2 hours each day driving, parking, picking up kids and incurring extra costs for driver in the morning for one child and breakfast/after school club. The traffic here is bad and as I have a baby I'm also dealing with broken nights and have no help in house or with childcare.

My dad fell very ill and is now wheelchair bound, my mum is barely coping and I feel terrible not being able to help them, they are abroad. Mum downloads everything on me and somehow I cracked.

Thought it was menopause but was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and prescribed escitalopram and it has made such a big difference to my life, I am so grateful to my lovely, caring GP who saw what was wrong with me.

School y is a very competitive, heavily oversubscribed primary. Not long ago a parent took his own life, they had been trying to get both children into the school and could only get one place. Whatever the reasons he killed himself and now the school is desperate to give his family that missing space.

We are moving early in the new year to another county, less stress in terms of infrastructure and schools so all happy there.

Then this happened: headmistress asked me for a chat. Out of the blue she said school x has told me you are leaving and then highlighted the fact that she would like to know when we are going so she can give places to other families. Told me the story about the suicide and I felt she tried to exert pressure on me to hand in our notice. I said I didn't want to do this as contracts can fall through until we are certain.

I told DH and he went to see her the next day declaring my meds and saying she shouldn't have spoken to me like this and pressured me.

Headmistress now taken long leave of absence and her deputy has become concerned with our family.

Both dc are doing great in school, at parents evening the teachers were gushing what a credit the children are to me, delight to teach, etc.

Deputy rang DH and asked if all was okay with me, he had heard I'd been unwell and was he aware that I left the baby with a neighbour while baby slept and baby talker on. DH said yes and all good.

Then another phone call about kids absence why we're they sick, can he help at all.

Then another call, to say how great to see them back and would we like any help from social services. Husband said no need but thanks.

Today my youngest was bawling outside school gates about not wanting to wear something. Howling. She was tired, she's only 4, youngest in class. Another mum same issue with her son.

I explained to teacher but returned with books after dropping other dc off. So then her teacher comes out and says: why was dc upset, was it reall just her hair. She was crying yesterday in playtime.

(She cried she told me because some girls weren't allowing her to participate in a group game).

Then social services (!!!) rang DH today and asked if all was alright and saying school had asked them to investigate if I'm a fit mother. School were concerned.

I am so bloody upset, tried very hard not to cry all day but feeling awful. Feel like a failure. I'm being made to feel like a leper.

I used to hold a director post in the city, we are very middle class, I have had a family illness, a hardworking DH and absolutely no help so I'm sorry I developed anxiety issues. I'm sorry I was open about it.

Now I am scared to walk into school, picking up my kids, dropping off, I feel watched and judged. I spoke to ss and he was a lovely officer. But why has this escalated?

I think the school were totally out of order. I am a retired social worker and teachers only referred when there was a child protection issue. I don't think they had any right to make this referral and I definitely think you should complain, and ask (as someone said) what exactly are their concerns about your children. The Head was out of order in talking to you about the parent that took his own life. Ok this would be known but teachers are meant to be professional and keep such matters confidential.

Obviously social services are not going to get involved with your family as there is no need. The deputy has been checking up on you by asking if he knew you left the baby with a neighbour. I would expect the HT or deputy to advise the parent that they were referring someone to social services, although there would be times when this wasn't appropriate dependent on the child protection issue.

I know lots of posters are saying they were only trying to help etc., but I disagree, I think the deputy has acted unprofessionally. He might be being "stoke up" by the Head, who knows. I would also want to know the full details of the referral that was made and you have the right to know this. You also have the right to reply to the referral in writing which should be filed along with the referral. I would complain to the Deputy in writing, and asking for a meeting to discuss this matter, and send a copy to the Chair of Governors.

My DIL is a deputy head and she is in complete agreement with me.

Thanks goddess, your words in God's ears!!

The originalem, I am so sorry for you This must be very hard. You know how it just makes me paranoid now. Wondering if I really am failing as a mum since other mums seem to have crying wailing, absent kids but I got picked on for a reason.

Thank you for all your kind, calming words.

I agree DH has started this and school is in damage control.

I agree with SurlyCue that this is directly linked to the suicide. They are moving quickly at the first sign of even potential trouble - a bit trigger happy but better to be safe than sorry.

Perhaps others can come on to explain the protocol but I agree they could have spoken to you first - but I don't know the protocol. Maybe the score is to cut straight to the chase, the best route professionally? Understandable you feel threatened by this - who wouldn't! - but I think they are being zealous bcs of the suicide, nothing more.

But schools can also phone for advice - and not made an actual referral. Do you know if that is what perhaps happened?

It sounds like the Deputy is over-compensating, and that this is less about you than it is about the other family. Please don't let SS distress you, they'll probably have closed the case already with "No action required".

You could mention to the Deputy that he could have spoken to you; he may have been scared that you'd cry all over him. How would you feel about a humourous-type remark to him casually letting him know that you're actually fine (and obliquely letting him know that he went over the top)?

Not read through the whole thread, ive been asked a few times about childrens and socail care, my son is on the spectrum and hes very violent ect, my mothers just died, and my partner had a heart attack not so long back, its not all aout having children taken away, they help people.

The trouble is there are families that move around a lot to avoid socail services and these children miss out on a lot, if you are moving soon anyway?? why not let that child have the place?

OP you have to insist that you see the referral. You have a right under Access to Records, and don't let them fob you off.

Iguana - it's a moot point about advice or referral. A judgement will be made by the social worker as to whether to contact the family, or take some other action. In this case they telephoned the family and so they clearly thought that was necessary in the light of the referral.

Te phrase 'arse covering' springs to mind

I think the school feels they failed to pick up a pastoral problem with one family - the suicide - and, for all we know, several more. The head's "long leave of absence" might possibly be connected with this failure. Therefore, the staff are on high alert for issues they may have missed or ignored.

The way they handled news of your possible relocation was gross, tbh. If that's an indication of their general tact level, I can well believe suggestions have been made!

Don't worry about it. They're being numpties and you're feeling sensitive because you're overstretched. There's no way social services are going to waste much time on you - be grateful they follow up on concerns, give them the info they need and carry on with your lives :)

To be fair better that SS time is wasted than one child protection issue goes investigated. Also, with the best will in the world the OP has only given us her perception of events, the teachers perception may be different but lets leave that to the professionals to decide.

OP, you sound perfectly balanced and eloquent and lovely. Of course you are shocked and feel ashamed/let down/betrayed. You have explained yourself perfectly well to us and I think if you were to meet with the deputy and tell him how you feel he will also see how lovely and balanced and sane you are (i don't believe for a minute they think otherwise, I simply believe they are on - understandably - high alert for parents in trouble.

Please don't take it personally; please have confidence in what the actual truth is - that you're a perfectly capable and lovely mum. I hope you get to speak to the deputy soon

I think Surly and others have it spot on - they are concerned that they missed out on the other parent and they are now, to be crude, covering their asses - trying to protect you, your children, everyone.

for you OP.

To me this is either the OP getting far to worked up about how something is being presented by the school (and agree it could be because they are ultra sensitive given past history) or it far more sinister.
The key is just what was said about this school place. Making an enquiry because the school has heard on the grape line that you might be leaving is OK. However when the school is pushing you to confirm so they can line up your replacement is not acceptable.
The process is very simple until you tell the school in writing that you have left and the school has checked that you have moved and got confirmation that the children are in a school, the place does not become vacant. Only at that point can the school see who is at the top of the waiting list and offer that person the free place.
I would like to believe that this is the school being ultra sensitive but something says to me this much more about your valuable school place.

Sorry, but what does this mean:

and was he aware that I left the baby with a neighbour while baby slept and baby talker on. DH said yes and all good

Firstly, he was questioning you leaving your child with an adult neighbour?

Secondly, how did he even know that??

Thank you NanaNina, just showed DH you post. Very informative, good to hear from the other side and gain more information. Have made notes as you advised and will bring it up in the meeting tomorrow.

Stop being a victim.

Pull yourself together for a bit and write a letter to the SS person you saw.

Explain everything, factually and as briefly as you can and explain what you are doing to sort out your own health issues, what support you have in place and what, if any, assistance you envisage you would need from the social worker.

Do no treat this as a personal attack and do not get emotional.

I've no guarantee this will work for you but it did for me when the school (less than helpfully) pulled the same stunt with me.

And make sure you use any letters you have after your name. I've not heard from them since.

Oh seriously, I've had to carry DD3 into school with her socks and shoes in my hands (hates seams) before now and say 'I couldn't get these on her and didn't want her to be late.' Teacher response: "No problem, well get them on once she's calmed down."

I've also (different school) had to hand DD3 over to the HT with two jumpers in a bag for Christmas jumper day, saying 'I couldn't get either on her - seams again - her hair hasn't been brushed and she hasn't had breakfast, but she's here. HT response: a voice mail message an hour later to say "we've spent some time in my office, I've managed to get the silver grey jumper on, and rolled down the neck so DD3 didn't have the seam on it. I slipped her into the school kitchen and found a chocolate brownie for breakfast and she is now happily in class. Thank you so much for persevering and sending her in, it was exactly the right thing to do."

Don't worry about 'how it looks'. Tell SS that circumstances are tough but you're coping and thank you so much for your concern.

NanaNina - that is very good advice.

Thank you, lots of lovely, helpful messages there. I will ask to access records.

I was asked where the baby was at parenting evening. I could only get late evening slot so as I was walking down a corridor I was talking to a friend (fellow mum) and I must have been overheard.

She is in the same boat, on meds and different dc in different schools and it's affecting her badly.

Lougle, this school is nothing like that. You're very very lucky!

I know that feeling!! It is the worst feeling ever! I can sympathise. What I suggest is have a meeting with the school & ask why they thought it appropriate to call social services after ur DH told them u didn't need help & then have a meeting with social worker aswell. (Some of them aren't actually as scary as the role makes out!!)
My situation was a bit different, but the feelings are all the same, my health visitor called social services worried about bruises, my son was 11months old, just started walking & was very accident prone at the beat of times (still is!!) never mind on unsteady feet. But anyway I ended up at meetings & everything was left as it was but I kept my social worker for a little while, mainly for advice & someone to talk to (single mum) & because my health visitor hadnt actually informed me she had contacted them so I refused to let her in my house again (totally offended that she didn't even see fit to voice her concerns to me or even bother to ask for my side!) so she remained until I could get a different health visitor & she was actually lovely! She was so helpful, she would call every so often just to make sure everything was OK, if I needed any help with anything etc etc. Having gone threw one of the worst experiences of my life, feeling like a failure as a mum, being scared, angry & God know what other emotions were going on at the time, I was actually quite glad I ended up with her as my social worker; she helped rebuild my confidence & now I think 'I do pretty damn good for being on my own & im proud of that'
I'm sure the school are only trying to help & only trying to make sure ur kiddies are ok, I know u can feel betrayed aswell as a whole load of other things but it will be ok, u will come out the other side of this, my fingers are crossed for u xx

Basically your DH mentioned you struggling and they've panicked. The suicide of a parent is awful and they will be super paranoid about being seen to "do the right thing" to prevent anything else similar.

Remember that they did offer support to your DH and he declined. Likely if they've then heard a couple of things combined with your dc having a couple of sad days they are putting 2 ad 2 together to get 17. Safeguarding then means they feel a duty to report.

All you can do is be honest with SS and the school. Stay strong and hopefully you can get some positive help and support for this.

It's not fair and it's not right but sadly it's the way of the world these days.

I am a retired social worker and teachers only referred when there was a child protection issue.
A parent's mental health issue could well affect their parenting capacity and be identified as a safeguarding issue.
It's a judgement call. Considering the recent suicide and the limited information the school had, I don't think you have real cause for a complaint. They have acted out of concern - maybe it could be seen as an over-reaction, but it doesn't seem to be malicious.
Maybe you are presenting in a similar way to the parent who committed suicide.
I think it's very cynical to say that they are just ass-covering. They were probably very shaken by the suicide and have decided to treat their concerns more seriously since then. They genuinely don't want anything like that to happen again.

However, I would ask to see a copy of their Safeguarding policy, as I think they should have informed you that they were referring you to SS. I don't believe SS said they wanted to see if you were a fit mother, I suspect that they wanted to know if you were coping.

Do you really want the staff to second guess their concerns and think, 'I'd better not do anything about that concern I have because I might upset the parent'?

Oddlylogical your post is quite upsetting. How dare you judge me (albeit indirectly) as a parent because i have mh issues.

Total ignorance on behalf of the school. I suffer from anxiety for which i take medication. have had therapy etc. never EVER has my parenting been called into question.

it is a huge jump of the imagination that jumps from anxiety to suicide.