Dc school has sent social services after me

[mincepied]

Have nc but have been MN regular for many years. Really need your advice!

Bit of background here:

After a few international moves found ourselves back in the UK with kids. One goes to school x, the others go to school y. This has had a severe impact on us as a family, I now spent more than 2 hours each day driving, parking, picking up kids and incurring extra costs for driver in the morning for one child and breakfast/after school club. The traffic here is bad and as I have a baby I'm also dealing with broken nights and have no help in house or with childcare.

My dad fell very ill and is now wheelchair bound, my mum is barely coping and I feel terrible not being able to help them, they are abroad. Mum downloads everything on me and somehow I cracked.

Thought it was menopause but was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and prescribed escitalopram and it has made such a big difference to my life, I am so grateful to my lovely, caring GP who saw what was wrong with me.

School y is a very competitive, heavily oversubscribed primary. Not long ago a parent took his own life, they had been trying to get both children into the school and could only get one place. Whatever the reasons he killed himself and now the school is desperate to give his family that missing space.

We are moving early in the new year to another county, less stress in terms of infrastructure and schools so all happy there.

Then this happened: headmistress asked me for a chat. Out of the blue she said school x has told me you are leaving and then highlighted the fact that she would like to know when we are going so she can give places to other families. Told me the story about the suicide and I felt she tried to exert pressure on me to hand in our notice. I said I didn't want to do this as contracts can fall through until we are certain.

I told DH and he went to see her the next day declaring my meds and saying she shouldn't have spoken to me like this and pressured me.

Headmistress now taken long leave of absence and her deputy has become concerned with our family.

Both dc are doing great in school, at parents evening the teachers were gushing what a credit the children are to me, delight to teach, etc.

Deputy rang DH and asked if all was okay with me, he had heard I'd been unwell and was he aware that I left the baby with a neighbour while baby slept and baby talker on. DH said yes and all good.

Then another phone call about kids absence why we're they sick, can he help at all.

Then another call, to say how great to see them back and would we like any help from social services. Husband said no need but thanks.

Today my youngest was bawling outside school gates about not wanting to wear something. Howling. She was tired, she's only 4, youngest in class. Another mum same issue with her son.

I explained to teacher but returned with books after dropping other dc off. So then her teacher comes out and says: why was dc upset, was it reall just her hair. She was crying yesterday in playtime.

(She cried she told me because some girls weren't allowing her to participate in a group game).

Then social services (!!!) rang DH today and asked if all was alright and saying school had asked them to investigate if I'm a fit mother. School were concerned.

I am so bloody upset, tried very hard not to cry all day but feeling awful. Feel like a failure. I'm being made to feel like a leper.

I used to hold a director post in the city, we are very middle class, I have had a family illness, a hardworking DH and absolutely no help so I'm sorry I developed anxiety issues. I'm sorry I was open about it.

Now I am scared to walk into school, picking up my kids, dropping off, I feel watched and judged. I spoke to ss and he was a lovely officer. But why has this escalated?

If SS were called to review every parent on medication for anxiety/depression, they'd never get anything else done. I'm on meds for anxiety, see my GP regularly (whose job it actually is to assess my mental state) and the school has no need to know. They also had absolutely no way of preempting the suicide. So that should not be a reason for their over reaction to the OP.

I didn't say that every parent with a MH issue should be investigated, I said it COULD affect their parenting capacity. The mother's mental health is one of the most significant factors in parenting. It doesn't mean you must be doing a bad job or can't cope or are are a suicide risk, but it MIGHT mean you need more support.
I work with parents and many of the ones who are struggling are dealing with mental health issues. It makes it that much more difficult for many of them to access help, ask for help and manage.

We have no idea how much the school were aware of with regards to the parent who committed suicide. They might have ignored concerns for fear of interfering.

"The mother's mental health is one of the most significant factors in parenting" you seem to be contradicting yourself

yes, it might mean someone needs more help and support and one would hope that they are getting it from the appropriate source. Their GP or mental health team. So it is not the schools or anyone else's place to make that judgement IMO.

This sort of ignorance is why so many women who are struggling wiht PND don't reach out for help because they are afraid people will call their parenting into question and they risk losing their children. And look, someone who works in the field doing just that

LEM I'm sorry but the school won't know what support the mother is getting so if they are concerned they are duty bound to pass it on.
Also - it's not always enough to offer support. If a parent is in total crisis they may not accept support, or it may not be making any difference. I know you don't like to think about it but it's a fact that maternal poor mental health can be very damaging to children's development.

The father told the school about his wife being on ADs. So she clearly IS receiving support. Are you a qualified mental health professional because that is quite a statement.

What is quite a statement?! I'm a cp social worker, aka the bogey woman apparently

Anti depressants =/= adequate mental health support in many many cases, as I'm sure you know

but not a mental health professional

Take legal advice. This sounds like some idiot discriminated against you on the sole basis of you taking meds (unless there's more to the story). It happens all the time at work - managers make assumptions about colleagues with mental illnesses and then the company has to settle at tribunal.

Next time tho tell DH to keep quiet. Unless the kids are in real danger, he should be keeping your private lives private.

Oh god these people talking about a mother's MH affecting her parenting. Yes it can make it more difficult but it doesn't mean there are child protection issues. Oddlylogical am amazed that you work with people with MH issues, as you don't sound very well informed about particular MH issues and how parenting can be adversely affected. The fact is that many people suffer from depression and anxiety to varying degrees but are well able to offer good enough parenting to their children. It is only really when a person is psychotic (as in being out of touch with reality) and suffering paranoia or delusions that it may be necessary for the person to have an IP stay in hospital and medication sorted out. I would have thought you would have known this Oddly and I find your comment that "the OP might be presenting like the man who committed suicide" extraordinary and very dramatic. As Lem says it is a very big jump from anxiety to suicide.

This issue of the parent's suicide is a red herring. OK so it happened and of course there will be talk in the playground but the teaching staff had absolutely no right to discuss this matter with the OP or with any other parent - that alone is a* serious breach of confidentiality - teaching staff should not discuss child/parent A with anyone outside of the school - shocking that they weren't even aware of this

I absolutely agree with Lem - so often we read threads about women suffering PND or depression/anxiety and are afraid to visit the GP in case they are reported to Children's Services. They are afraid their children will be "taken by social workers." I've lost count of the number of times I've answered these posts, advising that social workers have NO authority to remove children and can only do so if a court makes an Order for children to be removed, and social workers have to present evidence that the child is suffering significant harm before they can go near a court.

Obsidian the school is not duty bound to pass on information to Children's services (or anyone else) unless they are concerned that their are child protection issues and then they do have a duty to refer the child. And a mother taking medication for anxiety is not a reason for a referral - have you any idea how many social workers, teachers and other professionals are themselves on medication for MH issues. I was on ADs for 15 years while I was a social worker and middle manager in Children's Services and I knew quite a few others in the same boat.

Hope you get this sorted OP.

Nana Nina as you will see if you read my post properly I agree that the school is duty bound to pass on any concerns they have. We don't know what the OP's presentation at school is like. We only have her account of things.

And LEM I'm a child protection social worker. I think I'm qualified to comment.

By concerns I meant child protection concerns, if I wasn't clear.

Ah well Obsidian you didn't mention child protection concerns, which makes all the difference. No we don't know how the OP's presentation at school is like, but she sounds very rational in her post.

As you are a cp social worker you will surely agree that it was a serious breach of confidentiality for the Deputy to be discussing the issue of the parent's suicide with the OP?

Of course it was. It was also completely unacceptable to make the referral without telling the op.
I am taking issue with LEM's assertion that parental mental health difficulties are not a matter for social services to be concerned with.

Err, Nana Nina used to be a CP social worker too! Thankfully she has a better perspective.

I didn't ask if you were a social worker though, i asked if you were a mental health professional.

I assume you touched on mental health as part of your social work degree. Just like i did a couple of modules in neuropsychology as part of my Biochemistry. My PhD is investigating a gene involved in neurological development - but i don't claim to be a neurologist!

Im not totally pig headed - of course mental health issues can affect parenting. parenting can impact on mental health too. But to assume because someone suffers from anxiety and is on SSRI medication (which is pretty low level medication in terms of psychoactive drugs) is in some way less of a parent is a pretty ignorant thing to suggest. Maybe you need a refresher course.

The whole point of this thread was that the school have put additional anxiety onto the OP. She already suffers from anxiety and has a lot to deal with - yeah, maybe she could use some support (with her unwell mother and move to the uk), but informing social services of a child protection issue just because someone is on ADs is a waste of time and resources imo and i'd be bloody flaming if this happened to me. I'd be asking questions of the school governers at the very least, especially in terms of the breach of confidence.

The OP clearly states in her initial post that she finds the medication she is taking is working, so where is the child protection issue?

You'd have a field day with me - my DD is always late for school (not significantly, but we are flying through the door last usually), my house is a pigsty most of the time (its clean but i am just not a tidy person) and DD's trousers have looked like they have had a falling out wiht her shoes. Her hair is straggly because she hates me brushing it (although im surprised her blood curdling screams when i go near her with a brush hasn't bought an over zealous SW to my door). She has serious confidence issues at school but this is because she is severely dyslexic - but then, maybe thats my fault eh?

honestly, if you came to my door with your patronising attitude you would be sent away with a flea in your ear and it wont just be one from one of my little bastard terriers.

But to assume because someone suffers from anxiety and is on SSRI medication (which is pretty low level medication in terms of psychoactive drugs) is in some way less of a parent is a pretty ignorant thing to suggest. Maybe you need a refresher course

Remind me where I said that?

That's a total strawman argument and you know it. We don't actually know that the school informed social services that they were worried because op is on anti-DS. I'd be incredibly surprised if that was the extent of it as I know perfectly well that such a referral would be turned away without assessment because, as you correctly point out, being on anti-ds is NOT a child protection concern.

So are you saying that the OP hasn't given us all the information?

Oddly logical said this - ^A parent's mental health issue could well affect their parenting capacity and be identified as a safeguarding issue.
It's a judgement call which is quite correct. Then you said this is response Oddlylogical your post is quite upsetting. How dare you judge me (albeit indirectly) as a parent because i have mh issues^ which is a completely inappropriate response to what she said. You're extremely defensive and reading meaning in posts that is simply not there.

Oh dear - it would appear i have mixed your posts with oddly logicals - my apologies.

But yes, i am defensive because it is hard being judged, you know. Albeit indirectly.

sounds like the person who went on leave left notes of an inaccurate nature and her replacement followed up . They need to be set straight by both of you . Wd a Dr's note help with the school&/the SW? Also thinking it sounds like they think they can pressure you to take out your dc so they can accomodate the cc of the person who committed suicide. Be nice to the SW and if you can also convey that this has all got out of hand without sounding distraught , try for that too. We seem to be in a weird age - schools have way too much power and are not qualified to judge as they are doing . Passing it on to SS is just covering their butt - espec in the light of what the H disclosed to you illegally and espec distressing to a parent who is dealing with her own difficulties. Let the SW know how this breach of personal info- she'll not like that and also will wonder about the school's judgement. Also tell her about the pressure to take out your cc. Explain re your dd - really ridiculous that you have to explain anything! Play it cool op and turn their attentions onto the school. Bet the school leaves you alone if the SW turns on them!

I am so sorry that you are having this distraction instead of just being able to focus on yourself and your family. I do wonder why no one is questioning the father in all of this? (Not that I am in any way suggesting that your dh is not a good parent, but I do wonder why it's always 100% the mother's responsibility to ensure the health and safety of the children.)

LEM I don't know if the op has given us all the info - she is not obliged to! I think the referral sounds really spurious - so either the school exaggerated, or there are more concerns than the op has told us.

i think we are on a similar page. my issue wasn't with your post.

Sorry so so tired. Will reply in the morning.

Turns out husband said to headmistress that I had had a "dark period driving the children to school"

She must have then jumped to conclusions, pretty shit wording from him anyway.

And that baby monitor thing.

I will post exerts of letter tom. Please bear with me. Thank you for all the comments. Will read more carefully in the morning x