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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First office party since his affair

59 replies

Issabella · 26/11/2015 14:24

Found out my OH cheated on me in September he had been having an affair since July and it started at an office party with a woman who still works there. His Christmas Party from work is tomorrow. He has offered not to go or to go and drive and not drink but my head says this is the wrong thing after all if he has a couple of drinks and goes back to her our marriage isn't worth much. So I have said to go but my anxiety is out of control - have I done the right thing and how can I get a grip on myself I feel back to feeling how I did when I found out he was cheating.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/11/2015 14:27

I don't think it's enough that he offered not to go. I think he should have told you he wasn't going.

What has he done since September to make you think it's been worthwhile keeping him?

robinofsherwood · 26/11/2015 14:33

I would say at this stage it's about you feeling comfortable. You're recovering and things will be different for a while. If you feel anxious and upset then tell him and ask him not to go. It's not about creating the framework for your future relationship, it's about recovering.

Joysmum · 26/11/2015 14:37

You need to be honest with him if you stand any chance of your marriage surviving.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/11/2015 14:55

You can't put things back to how they were before, because before you didn't think he'd cheat, and now you know he will. He changed that, and your brain isn't going to let you just ignore it.

I'm also surprised that he didn't just decline, rather than making you make the decision.

Given that you seem to want to let him go - and please make sure you're doing it for the right reasons - the only advice is to keep yourself busy and resist the urge to contact him a lot or check up on him. Your mind will go mad because you'll know that last time, he was cheating and lying about it, and you'll probably have an incredible urge to give him the third degree when he gets back. Like you've said, though, a relationship is nothing without trust and he ruined that. He should be prepared for the consequences, especially if he's going to repeat the same behaviours he was doing then.

Jan45 · 26/11/2015 15:49

Look, he just doesn't go, why should you be full of anxiety because of him, he forgoes his fricken Xmas party, I'd imagine you are worth it.....?

Original poster

Issabella · 26/11/2015 15:56

Thanks all - I'm a "fix the problem and move on woman" normally at work and at home so to be fair to my OH I think he may believe I have moved on a lot more than I actually have. I have been very insistent about getting our lives back on track and he did say we should make the decision whether to go or not together. Also there is part of me which wants to show the OW how little threatened I am by her if he still goes. I only told a very few people about the affair and I have 2 friends who have offered to go out with my tomorrow night to distract. We have known each other for 26 years and been married for 22 he has been an unconscionable idiot but I believe we have a relationship worth fighting for and we have worked very hard since I discovered it to get our relationship back on track. I firmly believe I am not at fault for his action in having an affair but the problems we had in our relationship were his alone personally I would have talked rather than screw someone else however! I am just worried I am going back to the woman I was in September I haven't had a day off sick in over 15 years after finding out I had to be signed off work for 6 weeks - it was not a good place to be.

OP posts:

AlwaysBeYourself · 26/11/2015 15:57

Did he call off the affair?

Original poster

Issabella · 26/11/2015 15:59

Yes he called off the affair immediately but they still work together - he has no alternative as the business is his own and she is still there

OP posts:

IrianofWay · 26/11/2015 16:03

"I don't think it's enough that he offered not to go. I think he should have told you he wasn't going"

Yes. Maybe he doesn't get it because you've been so grown-up? I started out in a similar way - pasted on a big smile and tried to be cool about it all. It didn't last long. If you want to save your relationship please be honest about how you feel and about what you need. It's far too early in your recovery to be dealing with this situation.

Jan45 · 26/11/2015 16:04

Moved on, it's barely been 2 months. Still think it would have been nice and actually his responsibility to decided he wasn't going - to save your anxiety at least, who cares what the OW thinks!

Jan45 · 26/11/2015 16:05

How did you find out? I assume he called it off once you found out.

Original poster

Issabella · 26/11/2015 16:09

His behavior changed - he is normally a very kind man but suddenly everything I did was wrong. He started to live with his phone even taking it to the toilet. He changed his phone pass code. He went on a work trip and told me he had stayed at a hotel in Bournemouth I checked his satnav and found out it was a boutique hotel in London - I pretended friend had seen him with another woman there and he confessed. He then rang her and called it off - she is married too with a child

OP posts:

Jan45 · 26/11/2015 16:19

Jesus - talk about following the script.

I hope he is now moving heaven and earth to win your trust back OP otherwise he really is not worth hanging on to.

AlwaysBeYourself · 26/11/2015 16:20

If it is his business and she was having an affair with him then surely she needs and would want to leave as it will be bloody awkward.

Duckdeamon · 26/11/2015 16:23

He shouldn't have put you in this position and should just have made his excuses for the event.

LucySnow12 · 26/11/2015 16:25

If you don't have it already, you should get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I hope you can work through this.

Original poster

Issabella · 26/11/2015 16:26

Problem is it is a niche business it will be difficult for her to find something else the reality is I am going to have to accept she will be around for some time yet. Which is also the driver to wanting him to go it's going to happen on a number of occasions so I might as well get it over and done with - like ripping off a plaster (but agonisingly more painful)

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 26/11/2015 16:27

So he owns the business and has exposed it to a sex discrimination case? Idiotic behaviour.

If he owns the organisatio, he could have been thoughtful to you and come up with an alternative way to treat his team than a boozy do.

Itisbetternow · 26/11/2015 16:28

It has only been a few months. Your feelings are perfectly reasonable. Sadly because you have decided to stay together this is how you will feel for a long time. He broke your trust. He broke that never having to even think that he might have an affair feeling. I've been there but my ex went off with the OW. Most days - four years later I think that was for the best as I'm not sure I could live with someone e having lost that innocent and niave feeling of trust. Good luck you are doing well so far. He should not be going to the party - why would he want to go?

Duckdeamon · 26/11/2015 16:29

She doesn't have to find another job and he can't ask her to do so since she could claim unfair treatment/dismissal due to their affair.

AlwaysBeYourself · 26/11/2015 16:30

It is always advised that the person having the affair ceases ALL contact with the affairee (is there such a word?). It is written that this is the only way it can work. I don't think I would or could put up with them still seeing each other to be honest.

Even though its a niche business I still think its just odd that she is still wanting to work there, so close to him unless she has her own agenda. Its just too tempting.

AlwaysBeYourself · 26/11/2015 16:33

I do get that it is a contentious situation of course and he has played with fire in more ways than one. She equally chose to have sex with her boss knowing how this could turn out. So although I do understand that she should not have to leave at all, just surprised she would want to stay as it would be very awkward and uncomfortable. Unless, as I said, she intends to get him back.

Original poster

Issabella · 26/11/2015 16:43

I'm sure she has an agenda and it involves getting him back. I did not react well when I found out he initially wouldn't tell me her name as he said I would destroy her (I have a reputation for avenging grudges) - I hit him with a Jo Malone candle necessitating a visit to hospital and stitches. I also called her and made her tell her husband who had very little reaction (also very worrying as her marriage can't be that great) then I keyed a very rude word into her car. So she kind of knows I am P*ed but still she stays ......... But I don't want to live my life in fear

OP posts:

Appleby39 · 26/11/2015 16:54

If the OW is that flippant then it seems to me your OH could of told her one thing and you another, hence why she isn't bothered by what you do or say at all. I would check that your OH still isn't in the affair. It makes no sense as to why he would even ask you if he should go to his own office party considering what's happened. If he was being honest in making your relationship work then there wouldn't of even be a discussion, he simply just wouldn't go. Sounds like he's up to something together with the OW. Sorry, but from what you say it all sounds dodgy. I wouldn't of kept what he did to you by just telling a few people either, i would have made sure everyone new!! If he caused me that kind of pain, he would be expected to feel it too and not be protected like he has been. I wish you luck, but this all rings alarm bells to me. You seem like a lovely woman, but seriously don't let him take you for a ride. x

Jan45 · 26/11/2015 16:57

So you inflict verbal and physical assaults on her and her property but tell him it's A ok to go party with her.......

You have no idea if they are still carrying on or intend to do so in the near future, I couldn't live like this, hope he's worth all the pain and anguish, you sound way too cool about it all.

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