Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have to walk away from this man

67 replies

Walkingalonelady · 25/11/2015 17:36

Please don't flame me.... But I got involved with a unavailable man a few months ago!

I fell head over heels for him and he says he feels exactly the same and will leave his GF yet his actions don't really match his words!

Just kind of feeling like I'm a hook up and nothing else and seriously doubting that he will ever leave, I seem to really only hear from him when he wants to get together and where as he used to come to mine for the night it's now all conducted from the hotel room where he stays during the week for work.

I know I have to end it, I know I deserve more and his GF certainly does, but I'm sad, I'm scared and secretly hoping it will kick him into action and make him so what he says he will because I'm not allowing him to have his cake and eat it.

I honestly have never never felt like this about anyone before, but I hate the way I feel like a teenager constantly chasing him.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but now I don't know when to do it, if I contact him asking to see him then I'm chasing him..... Which I'm really trying to avoid doing or do I wait it out until he contacts me to meet and do it then?

OP posts:
Mysteryfla · 25/11/2015 17:40

If he'll cheat with you he'll cheat on you!

pinkyredrose · 25/11/2015 17:41

You feel like a hook up because you are. If he wanted a relationship with you he'd say so. He's happy with his girlfriend but gets a thrill from keeping you hanging and sticking his cock into a different person. Only keep seeing him if you want to feel like a walking vagina holding a sign saying 'do me'.

Tearsoffrustration · 25/11/2015 17:42

Just phone him and end it?

MorrisZapp · 25/11/2015 17:42

That's pretty disgusting talk, pinky.

Leviticus · 25/11/2015 17:43

Why wait to meet? He hardly treats you with dignity, summoning you to his hotel room (which he doesn't even have to pay for) for a shag behind his girlfriend's back.

Treat it like the thing it is. A text will suffice.

We all make mistakes. Glad you see this and want to put it right.

goddessofsmallthings · 25/11/2015 17:57

Forget 'GF'. I'd bet on him having a dw and no doubt he has dc too. Have you checked out his home address to see the names of those who live there?

You're no more than his dirty secret and, as these clandestine shagfests trysts are being conducted in his hotel room, it's probable that when you 'hook up'" with him the staff think you're a hooker.

There's no need or reason for you to see him again as you can tell him he's ditched by text or phone call when he next contacts you.

fuzzywuzzy · 25/11/2015 17:59

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you have to beg to be with you?

Surely you deserve better.

FredaMayor · 25/11/2015 18:01

pinkyredrose has put it quite robustly, but in essence he/she is right, OP. You might have sleepwalked into a silly situation, but hopefully you are beginning to realise you should get out.

Cabrinha · 25/11/2015 18:56

"You deserve more" do you?
I'm not sure about that.
I don't think women who happily choose to be part of an affair "deserve" more than the shit you get from being someone's meaningless easy shag.

Tell him NOW that you're, take a bit of time to reflect on why you thought it was OK to do that.

When you've done that, then you might deserve more. Right now, all you deserve is a roasting.

Cabrinha · 25/11/2015 18:56

*you're done.

Iflyaway · 25/11/2015 19:02

I'm not going to flame you.

But you know what you have to do to preserve your self preservation.

Get out now rather than 5/10 years down the line. And/Or pregnant.

What is it in you that has chosen this situation for your life?

CanalTrip · 25/11/2015 19:10

You should walk away but also drop the secret hopes that walking away will push him into action he has not already taken. Walk away with the intention of finding someone who won't use you.

Your concern over how you should tell him suggests you are still invested in him. The method shouldn't take up much thinking time; focus on the outcome.

Elendon · 25/11/2015 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hopefullyoneday1 · 25/11/2015 19:42

I'm afraid your allowing him to have his cake and eat it. He loves the fact your chasing him, meeting in hotel rooms etc. Ive been there done that!
If he was going to leave GF he would have done so by now.
You deserve and can do better

PandoNoPants · 25/11/2015 19:54

Your post actually prompted me to post an update on a similar ish situation a friend is going through.

If you can bear to read it (it's long) - please have a look at "stuck in the middle" It might show you what it's like to be on the receiving end of deceit.

As Hopefully said above, you are massaging his ego.... please walk away!! You can do better.

Crackerjack9 · 25/11/2015 19:56

Oh big hugs. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 25/11/2015 20:06

Dump him by text and then block/avoid him.

He will try to win you round. If you let him talk you round he will think exactly that he can have his cake and eat and you will waste years on this guy.

Do it, and mean it.

Original poster
Walkingalonelady · 25/11/2015 20:29

I have drafted so many texts but there just so long!

Plus I will have to see him everyday so would rather actually just do face to face

OP posts:
Hopefullyoneday1 · 25/11/2015 20:33

Mine was a slightly different situation. Ex was divorced, his wife had moved out of family home with kids and set up new life elsewhere. He bought her share in the house. All that was pretty much straightforward and I knew it was legit, seen it all for myself.......six years I was with him but something was amiss. He wouldn't let me meet his kids, wouldn't let me in his house, never met his parents. Turns out he had never actually got divorced, just separated but was living two lives. I was an idiot for not seeing it sooner but he soon got dumped. When I dumped he was absolutely heartbroken and couldn't understand why!!!

Cabrinha · 25/11/2015 20:34

"On reflection, I don't want to be involved with you, because you are with someone else. So let's just stay as friends. See you at work tomorrow"

Job done.

Stop making a drama out of it. You're making a fool of yourself, and you're doing something horrible.

And it's sorted as quickly as it takes to type that text.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 25/11/2015 20:50

Yeah you don't owe him an explanation if that's what you are thinking. It is a simple as "It's over."

Are you going to look for a new job?

Cabrinha · 25/11/2015 20:53

Is he your boss?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/11/2015 21:03

Get a new job. I assume you've done the classic thing of being won over by a middle aged man in a much more senior position than you.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 25/11/2015 21:04

Yeah get a new job. Otherwise you will keep on going back.

Cabrinha · 25/11/2015 21:07

If the job's a good one for your career right now, no need to leave.

Just stop sleeping with him.

Ain't rocket science.

It is your boss though, isn't it?
Which could make things a bit more complicated.
Can you at least get a payrise or a good internal opportunity out of having handed it to him on a plate whilst he's been bored in his hotel room away from home?

Swipe left for the next trending thread