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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this an abuser ?

107 replies

LostSoul74 · 24/11/2015 00:39

I posted this is Mental Health but after the replies I got..Im now think that whats actually happening is that Im being manipulated

Apologies but this may be long sad

several months ago I met a guy who seemed really into me...after talking a lot online (we met through a shared interest) we arranged to meet as I discovered he lived locally...
after the first meeting he made it clear he was interested in me but that he couldnt offer a relationship right now and wasnt after something serious.
We lapsed into a friends with benefits arrangement but as time went on, we spent more time together talking about stuff, watching films etc and not sleeping together so I knew he wasnt just after sex, but I noticed his moods were erractic, sometimes he would be charming and lovely, othertimes almost hostile.
I could be round his one eve and he would be telling me how much he cared about me, liked me etc and we would end up in bed, then the next morning it would be as if he couldnt stand the sight of me.
I was bemused by the fact that at 40 years old he seemed isolated, didnt have friends and relied a lot on his parents, he eventually told me he had bi polar but would not treat it which was a worry.
From that point on life with him has been a rollercoaster where one minute he treats me as though Im his girlfriend and really important to him, then next, he will ignore me for a few days with just the odd fb message.
He constantly tells me that we are not together as it were and that he doesnt DO relationships because of his mental health etc..I have accepted that but our friendship has become very close and I usually stay round there at least two nights a week.
Recently I went abroad for a week and I think this made him anxious as he was very lovey dovey with me and even drove me to the airport.
Whilst I was away he messaged constantly and as I was preparing to fly home, messaged saying He would always be my friend for life and that his best thoughts were mine. He told me to hurry up and get home as it was too quiet without me
He collected me from the airport and fussed over me all evening, hugging and kissing me lots saying he had missed me..
fast forward two days..he literally kicked me out of the house..it felt so confusing..I have also recently been diagnosed with a long term health problem which he was supporting me with,
I messaged him the next night and said I was in hospital and he didnt even seem bothered.
Eventally I called round his at the weekend to find him wrapped in a duvet watching films, he looked annoyed I was there but made me a coffee..(he has told me that I am always welcome round his and that his home is my home, he leaves his back door open so I can just walk in )
After a while he said he was sorry but he had had enough of people and was feeling anti social..he said it wasnt personal but asked me to leave.
The next day, I felt worried about him, so called in..he said "Why are you here ?" I said I was worried about him and he started getting uppity saying, more like you came round because you wanted to see me..why are you always calling round? Im not your boyfriend you know Ive spelt that out to you...I hope you arent seeing more in this than there is ..
I was pretty upset by that statement as I know full well he isnt my boyfriend but understandably Im very fond of him.
I tried to explain that I was worried and he started ranting at me saying..why ?? you just called round here to reassure yourself...I told you I didnt want to see anyone yet you still come round!!!
He then proceeded to yell at me saying "This is the exact reason I didnt want people round because I lose my temper and get angry, I told you to stay away and you ignored me " I ended up bursting into tears and he just shouted saying "stop making it a drama!"..as he slowly calmed down he said..I dont think any less of you..you are one of the best people I know..up there with my parents, but seriously, dont ever do this to me again" he then politely asked me to leave, but as I went he said...."look if you really need me, message me, but failing that Ill be in touch in a few days "
I left feeling bereft and upset because I see he is online on facebook (before he goes to work) and is commenting on lots of things, also he is young looking for his age and very attractive so younger women flock round him and he flirts back with them online.

I dont really know what to do as it seems like he cares about me one minute but not the next but I dont want to walk away because I think he needs the friendship sad

OP posts:
Moonax · 25/11/2015 18:20

Really, I repeat and repeat again, drop him now. If he doesn't get in touch that is the BEST possible outcome for you.

You don't need him. You will damage yourself even more if you stick around him. Yes, I know he's probably addictively attractive when he wants to be but that's it. He's a drug you don't need.

There is nothing whatsoever you can do for him. There, on the other hand, a great deal you can do for yourself and that starts by getting him out of your life. You need to find enough strength not to take the drug he's offering.

Talk to your friends. Make plans for yourself to do things you know you will enjoy. Start small - hot bath, catch on on Strictly, huge mug of calorific hot chocolate - whatever you like. You can break the addiction of this man.

Original poster
LostSoul74 · 25/11/2015 18:24

Ok well I just don't know where to start because the friendship had been so intense ..I feel totally blindsided by it all Sad

OP posts:
BriarRainbowshimmer · 25/11/2015 21:59

Hi there Lost. I had something similar happen to me during a period when I was very vulnerable and didn't have much other support. It's easy to get attached to someone like that when you don't have many other options.

Do you have other support in your life? Any good friends you could be talking to while ignoring this man?

Original poster
LostSoul74 · 25/11/2015 22:07

No not really..I have a few friends but They are fed up of hearing about him and his awful behaviour ..

OP posts:
BiscuitMillionaire · 25/11/2015 22:11

Well, it's pretty obvious that he's treating you very badly. But what jumps out at me is this
He constantly tells me that we are not together as it were and that he doesnt DO relationships because of his mental health etc.

He's telling you he doesn't 'do' relationships, and yet you're crying over him letting you down for the umpteenth time. Why are you putting yourself through this? It's a complete waste of your precious time and energy to spend hours trying to analyse him and work out whether he's bi-polar or BPD or narc or blah blah blah. He doesn't want a relationship with you. That's the end of it. You have one precious life, don't waste it on him.

FabergeEggs · 25/11/2015 22:22

OP, I think you came here not to ascertain whether he is being abusive (he is, of course he is) but to ask us all if he still likes you. As the thread has progressed you have become more desperate-sounding and needy. You need to see that your need to feel good is blinding you to the fact that this man really is not in love with you or even deeply fond of you. He thinks he needs you from time to time but you are merely a real life communication to the outside world as opposed to his cyber connection (facebook).

Original poster
LostSoul74 · 26/11/2015 00:34

Thank you Faberge and Biscuit..yes today was not a good day I spent most of the day crying trying to ascertain how he could treat me so badly after the way he was just a week ago..whilst I fully accepted he didnt want a relationship, after the way he was last week I genuinely believed that he valued our friendship and maybe even cared just a little about me..Ive now realised he doesnt. I think you hit the nail on the head Faberge in that most of the time he is absorbed in the cyber world where he flirts with and chats up women from the safety of his keyboard and enjoys the adoration and every so often he suddenly feels the need for human company an thats where I come in.
I have made the decision to deete him from facebook and delete his number, it was very difficult but I realised that the sooner I cut ties the happier I would be.

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 26/11/2015 00:40

Well done. I know it's so hard now but trust me, in the future you'll be so proud of yourself. It's the right thing to do. Why would you want to prolong something which can never end well? Yes it's easier for me to say that in hindsight. One day soon you will too.

gg1234 · 26/11/2015 00:47

I think its more to do with his bi-polar disorder than be abusive .
Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior—from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood, the cycles of bipolar disorder last for days, weeks, or months. And unlike ordinary mood swings, the mood changes of bipolar disorder are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function.

You are having relationship with a person who cant control his behaviour at all .He is under mental health .So here I see no fault but your fault in understanding what a person you are in relationship with .

The only solution I see here is to leave him for good and get a better life .

Regards gg

Original poster
LostSoul74 · 26/11/2015 00:59

GG he didnt inform me of his MH problems until Id been friends with him a couple of months.I originally posted on MH asking how to cope with what was going on but carried the thread over to here when the MH posters said it wasnt typical of bi polar..believe me..I could cope better if I knew he couldnt help it

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 26/11/2015 06:36

Well done for deleting him - that must have been hard. Thanks

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 26/11/2015 06:45

Even if his behaviour is related to his bipolar it doesn't follow that he 'can't help it'

Moonax · 26/11/2015 07:01

You should be really proud of yourself for deleting him. It's very, very hard even if you know (which you do) that it's the right thing to do.

Phoenix69 · 26/11/2015 07:12

He is unstable and needs medical help, which you say he has refused. Well done for deleting him and keep no contact. There is no fathoming what people are feeling when they need help like this and drawing a line under this, although difficult is your best way forward.

Original poster
LostSoul74 · 26/11/2015 10:57

Thanks every one..it was really hard Sad I actually wonder if he will even notice tbh until he wakes up one morning and remembers who I am.I've realised the reason he hasn't wanted me round is because he has no use for me at the moment

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 26/11/2015 11:51

Yes exactly
He sounds narcissistic- people only matter in as far as they meet his needs or reflect a view of himself that he enjoys. Other people's needs (like yours) are utterly irrelevant to him. People like that are very shallow and their attachments are superficial. They pretty much can't care about people on a deep level, there is a layer of emotional depth simply missing. That's what you need to get your head around.

Original poster
LostSoul74 · 26/11/2015 12:00

Yes I've realised that now..when he misses me it's all about him..when I was away it probably left him feeling very anxious because I was in another country then as soon as I'd been back a day or too he was bored of me

OP posts:
Original poster
LostSoul74 · 29/11/2015 00:02

update..I discovered that the reason he wasnt interested anymore is because a teenage girl on facebook had caught his eye and he is now chatting her up, I think the shades fell from my eyes then when I realised how much of a fool I had been and what an absolute creep he is coming on to a teenage girl Sad

OP posts:
Moonax · 29/11/2015 08:47

More proof you've made the right choice to boot him out of your life. Good for you Lost.

You must not blame yourself for him being who he is and for taking his bait. You spotted him for what he is and you're moving on.

You are very brave It is a hard, hard thing to do. Do remember to treat yourself really well. Make plans to do something you will enjoy and then do it. You're free. You can.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 29/11/2015 08:59

And, block him on Facebook and any other social media. I suppose it's useful that you see he's chatting up a teenage girl, if it shows you what a scumbag he really is.

BUT you're torturing yourself by keeping tabs on him. He is, as Will Wheaton said the Sheldon, "living, rent-free, right up here" >gestures to head<

From this point on, you don't need another shred if evidence that he's an asshole. So stop looking for any. Get busy doing lovely things for yourself, find your state of "Meh". Fake it til you make it.

Chumplady.com just today posted an article about why No Contact is so hard to do. Totally worth a read. She's the perfect combination of angry and funny.

notarehearsal · 29/11/2015 09:07

As sailfish says bpd, steer well away

Djelibeyb · 29/11/2015 09:13

Pull back and stay away. Keep to friends ONLY at most.

I'm not sure if he has a mental health issue or is just a twat but regardless if he won't help himself you can't help him.

Guard your heart and don't enter into any sexual stuff with this guy unless he can give you a much more stable loving relationship.

You deserve much more. Don't settle for this.

Djelibeyb · 29/11/2015 09:15

Just see the teen girl thing. Scrap friends. Block blocks block. You need to cut ties and move on. Find someone worthy of your love

Moonax · 29/11/2015 09:27

Seconding the blocking all contact with him. Don't track him, don't follow him, just drop him. You really do not need any more proof of what kind of man he is. Put it down and leave it behind.

Original poster
LostSoul74 · 29/11/2015 18:39

Thanks everyone I was so upset when I realised.He messages her all the time telling her how cool she is etc..most of the time she said he talks about depression as she has it too and has been offering lots of advice she posts sexy selfies of herself on fb and comments on them all..looks like grooming to me even if there's no rl intent its still wrong

OP posts:
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