Is this an abuser ?

[LostSoul74]

I posted this is Mental Health but after the replies I got..Im now think that whats actually happening is that Im being manipulated

Apologies but this may be long sad

several months ago I met a guy who seemed really into me...after talking a lot online (we met through a shared interest) we arranged to meet as I discovered he lived locally...
after the first meeting he made it clear he was interested in me but that he couldnt offer a relationship right now and wasnt after something serious.
We lapsed into a friends with benefits arrangement but as time went on, we spent more time together talking about stuff, watching films etc and not sleeping together so I knew he wasnt just after sex, but I noticed his moods were erractic, sometimes he would be charming and lovely, othertimes almost hostile.
I could be round his one eve and he would be telling me how much he cared about me, liked me etc and we would end up in bed, then the next morning it would be as if he couldnt stand the sight of me.
I was bemused by the fact that at 40 years old he seemed isolated, didnt have friends and relied a lot on his parents, he eventually told me he had bi polar but would not treat it which was a worry.
From that point on life with him has been a rollercoaster where one minute he treats me as though Im his girlfriend and really important to him, then next, he will ignore me for a few days with just the odd fb message.
He constantly tells me that we are not together as it were and that he doesnt DO relationships because of his mental health etc..I have accepted that but our friendship has become very close and I usually stay round there at least two nights a week.
Recently I went abroad for a week and I think this made him anxious as he was very lovey dovey with me and even drove me to the airport.
Whilst I was away he messaged constantly and as I was preparing to fly home, messaged saying He would always be my friend for life and that his best thoughts were mine. He told me to hurry up and get home as it was too quiet without me
He collected me from the airport and fussed over me all evening, hugging and kissing me lots saying he had missed me..
fast forward two days..he literally kicked me out of the house..it felt so confusing..I have also recently been diagnosed with a long term health problem which he was supporting me with,
I messaged him the next night and said I was in hospital and he didnt even seem bothered.
Eventally I called round his at the weekend to find him wrapped in a duvet watching films, he looked annoyed I was there but made me a coffee..(he has told me that I am always welcome round his and that his home is my home, he leaves his back door open so I can just walk in )
After a while he said he was sorry but he had had enough of people and was feeling anti social..he said it wasnt personal but asked me to leave.
The next day, I felt worried about him, so called in..he said "Why are you here ?" I said I was worried about him and he started getting uppity saying, more like you came round because you wanted to see me..why are you always calling round? Im not your boyfriend you know Ive spelt that out to you...I hope you arent seeing more in this than there is ..
I was pretty upset by that statement as I know full well he isnt my boyfriend but understandably Im very fond of him.
I tried to explain that I was worried and he started ranting at me saying..why ?? you just called round here to reassure yourself...I told you I didnt want to see anyone yet you still come round!!!
He then proceeded to yell at me saying "This is the exact reason I didnt want people round because I lose my temper and get angry, I told you to stay away and you ignored me " I ended up bursting into tears and he just shouted saying "stop making it a drama!"..as he slowly calmed down he said..I dont think any less of you..you are one of the best people I know..up there with my parents, but seriously, dont ever do this to me again" he then politely asked me to leave, but as I went he said...."look if you really need me, message me, but failing that Ill be in touch in a few days "
I left feeling bereft and upset because I see he is online on facebook (before he goes to work) and is commenting on lots of things, also he is young looking for his age and very attractive so younger women flock round him and he flirts back with them online.

I dont really know what to do as it seems like he cares about me one minute but not the next but I dont want to walk away because I think he needs the friendship sad

I see it now which makes me feel even sadder he's deliberately gone cold on me then I guess when he wants another ego stroke he will be inviting me round again..the message today was all about him keeping in touch to see if I'll still come running when he calls ?

Thanks again..sadly he is a very unusual ..good looking guy who looks about 10 years younger..he is well known in certain circles which means women are desperate to get in his trousers and he knows it..

OP, you're not going to change him and you're not responsible for him. You're responsible for you. He can be Brad Pitt in disguise and it still makes no difference. You say yourself that you can see the patten of his behaviour. That is not at all likely to change. Why should it? It's been working for him for years. Don't be sad you found out and don't beat yourself up for falling for it either. Lots of us have been there and yes, it hurts a lot. Not, however, as much as staying and playing his games will hurt.

Moonax...I look on his fb and all these gorgeous women are commenting on his pics saying g how handsome he is..makes me want to vom..they all live miles away..but I've noticed that he seems to turn his attention from one facebook female to the next on a weekly basis. .flirting away online ..this week it's s different girl..she commented on one of his posts saying she was available if he wanted a girlfriend..he replied that he woukd start the interview process asap...I'm such a bloody idiot..incidentally she lives 3 hours away and I know he doesn't want a relationship but he's getting off on the adoration.He dispenses with peopke quickly who serve no purpose to him I've noticed..I'm guessing this is what he's done with me..Do I need to prepare myself for him to turn on the charm again because I live on his doorstep ?

Well yes, I'm quite sure he'll turn on the charm again.

The point isn't really whether he does or not. You shouldn't be there to see it. Don't call yourself an idiot. Please believe that you're not the one who is a fool. You are the one who has seen the patten and made the connection. Please do not respond when he turns up the charm again. It will not end any differently to the previous times and the space between charm and stinker will get shorter.

You really need to break contact with him. Don't do what I did and stick around for four years of your precious and beautiful life while he messes with your head. It won't get better and it WILL get a great deal worse. You deserve so very much better than him and you will find it. Not, unfortunately if you're waiting for a happy ending with someone who can't give it to you.

Please stop torturing yourself. Just block and move on. I know it's hard but he can't give you what you want and you won't change him.

Thank you Moonax. .I'm. Not sure if he will or not tbh and I know it sounds crazy but now I see through him I feel cross that he may have dropped me first ..crazy though that may seem ! Sadly I really fell for this guy and I think the reason he did this is because he saw it..and I think he gas moved on already ..he seems to be online as soon as he gets in from work which means he's probably talking to someone else

I am veering between feeling strong to feeling devastated. .just a week ago he was hugging me telling me that he was there for me and I wasn't alone

It's normal to feel strong one minute and devastated the next. Accept that this is how you will feel for a while. Yes he probably is talking to someone else. And poor them. They don't know what you know. That he's a horrible abusive person. He wasn't there for you. And trust me. Being alone is better than being in the arms of someone who is lying to to you and getting their kicks from controlling you and making you feel insecure and unworthy. This is a conscious choice that you make every day. Choose a better life. Choose to block him out totally. Choose people who are consistently good to you. Focus all your energies on yourself. In time you will start to feel better. In the meantime yes you will be up and down,

My ex was similar to this. The difference only being that he dropped his previous GF for me and we were in a 'relationship'. Nightmare. His behaviour was so similar to your description and I tried to make it work for four years. Total and utter waste of time! If only MN was available to me then! Looking back, I think there was some sort of personality disorder, borderline fits best but also sociopathology as he had zero empathy and was cruel to animals. He overstepped the mark to a really obvious degree one weekend and I copped on to his manipulation. He tried to row back but I had seen behind the mask and left. I was in bad state though as I had overinvested big time. I found reading and learning about his PD made all the difference as I realised it wasn't me but something that I could have no effect on. He was a nasty bastard with it when it suited him though!

I must admit I wondered too if it was more BPD. .he dies seem to be a bit of a sociopath..he has empathy only when it suits him

Fluffy brain. .I feel so sad that one minute we can be spending all our time together and the next he doesn't want to know me I've had no closure on this..he has just turned round and told me to leave him alone his words being I'll be in touch in a few days.

You need to make your own closure, Lost. Decide that this is finished and that HE is not worth YOUR time (liar and user that he is), then delete, block and ignore. It's the only way forward I'm afraid.

I am still blaming myself because I called round there a lot last week and he called me on it saying I was obviously seeing him as something more..I think that's why he has cut me off...so I blame myself even though I know it's just a convenient excuse for him.

Oh come on. He said lots of nice things to you that made you believe (would make any reasonable person believe) that your presence would be welcome. The fact that you turned up meant that he had to face the fact that he'd misled you, and that made him angry at himself. Rather than be angry at himself (who'd want that?) he turned it on you and made it your fault for completely irrationally believing the strong messages of friendship and respect he was giving out.

He'll never admit to being a twunt who says nice things that he doesn't mean though, so clearly you 'got it wrong' somehow. the only thing you got wrong was befriending him in the first place, frankly. You deserve better.

Contessa..yes in all the time we were friends he told me how much I meant to him and that I was welcome round his house anytime..last week when he collected me from the airport he seemed thrilled to see me and couldn't stop gping on about how much he had missed me..so to completely change just a day later was bizarre. Hence why I feel so bereft.I knew it wasn't a relationship but I did think he actually liked me now it seems he has just dropped me without warning..it feels horrible. .bizarrely he us still liking everything I out on fb..I know that deleting him is the answer

It is weird and deeply unstabilising when you realise that someone you thought was trustworthy isn't. You end up wondering if you got it wrong somehow and if you're going mad, because you honestly thought......etc.

That's why his behaviour is so cruel, whether or not he intended it to be. You clearly believe people when they say kind things and don't suspect them of being lying twats saying such things carelessly. I sympathise because I am the same :) it took me a while to develop my suspicion function, and I still struggle with spotting ulterior motives tbh.

Please do delete him. You need to wean yourself off this relationship.

He doesn't like you Lost. He doesn't like anyone. Who cares who he likes. The guy is manipulating your emotions. I don't know that you have grasped the fact that his behaviour is entirely calculated and intentional. He wants you to feel insecure and confused. He intentionally runs hot and cold to confuse you to keep you dangling in a piece of string. It makes him feel powerful. The mental health element is neither here nor there. It does not matter whether he is depressed, bi polar, narcissistic personality disorder or borderline pd. He is abusing you. The only way to stop him is to cut all contact or he will reel you back in to abuse you some more. Unfriend him in Facebook. He will not give you closure. He will just keep confusing and abusing you. You have to give yourself closure.

Thank you Contessa..yes I foolishly trusted him
Fluffy. .is that his game then..do you think he fully intends to pick up where he left off when it suits him ?

I don't think it's foolish necessarily, but then I would say that just trusting. It's a blessing and a curse.

I know there is a wide spread of opinion on MN about this, but I honestly don't think abusive people always set out thinking 'Mwah ha ha, today I will be abusive.' They behave in a horrible manner which is clearly recognisable as abusive, yes, but some people are great at putting their heads in the sand and avoiding that realisation which the rest of us can't really avoid.

It doesn't make any difference in my opinion whether he means to do it or not; the net result for you is the same. Devoting your mental energies to wondering about the topic is not healthy for you.

Thank you..God I feel so sad as it was a very intense and close friendship..I convinced myself he actually cared about me when he clearly couldn't give a damn..I guess I suddenly outlived my usefulness

I reckon it's more that your honest presence gave him the uncomfortable realisation that he was being an insincere dick, and he didn't like that one bit.

None of this is your fault, at all. It's all part of a learning curve.

he certainly fakes giving a damn to a tee (when it suits him )

He sounds fucking nuts to be honest.

He's a manipulating arsehole. Telling you how much you mean to him, then practically throwing you out if the house. WTF!

He's a sad bastard too. Imagine coming in straight from work to log onto Facebook for the evening to flirt with girls.
Op! He has nothing going on in his life.
It appears he needs all this adulation to feed his ego.
Ffs, have no more contact with this idiot. Then he mails you to tell you not to contact him but he'll contact you in few days?
When you finally break the chain, you will look back at him and think " what was I thinking having anything to do with this sad loser!"
When be contacts you again, hard as it might be, because he'll probably turn on the charm, just ignore, ignore, ignore.
You are worth si much more that this.

I doubt he will be in touch anyway