honest opinions - do you think he isn't ready to live with me and the children?

[TreesInSpace]

Background so as not to drip-feed:

My boyfriend and I are 47.
I have two kid age 6 and 8 from my previous relationship.
He has none.
I have lived on my own for the past 11 years, as the children's father and I never lived together, he'd just stay sporadically for days or weeks at a time as it suited him.
My boyfriend lived with his previous and her then teenage children for 15 years. She did not want more children, he went along with that.
We were both single for 3-4 years each before we met eachother.
We don't live together, but he stays every weekend and we've been on holidays and so forth and he's very much part of my family. My children have called him 'Daddy' since the youngest was about 3.
They know the distinction between my boyfriend and their bio Dad. They haven't seen or spoken to their bio Dad in 4.5 years.
We lost an (unplanned) baby last year to miscarriage. We don't plan on more.
Neither of us have been married before and we both privately rent.

Now to my query: Can I have your honest opinions - do you think he isn't ready to live with me and the children?

I've been given notice on my house, I was supposed to move out last Friday but am negotiating until Christmas. It's looking unlikely though.

Boyfriend and I have lightly discussed living together, but he is adamant he wants it to be a joint decision, not a decision forced by the circumstance of my Notice.
He admits he's scared at prospect of living with someone again, but is prepared to be scared.

I am struggling/indeed underplaying how difficult it is to find myself a next property. In this town, there's about 6 on Rightmove within my budget, and they're all 2 not 3 bedroom, and all in 'bad' areas where I wouldn't feel safe to leave the house unburgled every day.

I've had conversations about this with him, and he reassures me with, 'Well you won't be homeless, you can stay here if you need to'.

Four people in a small one-bed flat is risking our relationship I think. Surely that limited space would exacerbate any stress?

But another time, he's said, 'stay here for a few months and I'll give notice and we'll find somewhere together'.

Then it's radio silence on the subject until I bring it up again.
I'll show him a picture of a great house, and he responds with, 'so you are trying to twist my arm now?' I think he's worried that I'm trying to find us a house right now when I'm not, I was just showing him what is available. But that reply made me shrink.

He also regularly says he'll 'marry me one day' but I don't take it seriously, because it's said in lighthearted conversation. I've not been proposed to and don't have an engagement ring obviously.

Basically I feel very confused. I don't want to 'force' a man to live with me, either because my notice has run out, or because he feels he has to temporarily house me whilst I look for somewhere else.

Yet he sometimes insinuates it's what he wants .
I'm even holding back on buying things I need, like a new washing machine, and a new bed, because I think, I'm duplicating household goods if we do end up moving in together, so it would be a waste of money as he already has these items.

Also, getting a new rental costs up to 2.5 thousand in fees/advance/bond etc. If I put that much money down now on a place just for me and the kids, then in 6 months he says he's ready to live together now, I've wasted that money.

My options are to either all go and stay with him in his one bed flat for a few months, and he's said before he'd give notice and find somewhere together (but that contradicts his insistence he doesn't want to do this out of forced circumstance, which is what my Notice is)

Just go ahead and rent a new place for myself and the kids.

3.5 years is a long time together to know if you're ready to progress your relationship or not, isn't it? I'm just confused, and under stress to make a quick decision, as either way I have to move !

What would you advise? Thankyou

You can only work with the cards you've been dealt.

You need to leave. You have two kids. You have a dithering boyfriend. You're 47.

So , you find a place for you and your kids

When you're settled . Then have the talk with dithering boyfriend or not if you find there's enough inthe relationship for it Tobe good together and yet be able to sustain itself while apart.

My DH had no kids. We were much older when we got together. 55. He has no kids and I don't think he would have moved infi there were little ones.

If everything else isn't good I wouldn't push it.

There seems to be a fear at play here. You haven't had a direct discussion about this, you are hedging your bets on a timescale you simply don't have. Ke knows this, he KNOWS. And yet he hasn't proactively leapt up and initiated house hunting. I don't think it's about "if we don't move in together it's OVER" and issuing ultimatums. I echo across - he doesn't have to move in with you, and that's ok. They aren't his children, and it's a very big ask - why should he? I have 2 kids, I wouldn't want any other afult moving in, no matter how long they'd known them. It needn't be the end of the relationship, make plans for you and your kids. Time is of the essence. If you can't have a frank discussion and you are left interpreting fragments and comments in the subject, you are not ready to live together.

After 4 years of a similar relationship, I gave DP a choice, to move in with me and my kids fully or find someone who was modern enough to be content with two separate houses, one that barely got used. I gave him a full month to decide.

Within that month he moved in and we couldn't be happier, we recently found out we have baby on the way. He was single for several years and Iam devorcec.he too scared to change the status quo in case it ruined the best relationship he has ever had. If I did not do that, we would still be in the same situation.

Wondering how you are doing OP?

We've had a talk and agreed to review the situation in another 6 months or so. To properly start looking at houses.

In reality as I can't imagine myself moving house twice in 6 months, that's probably going to be at least a year, isn't it..

But he does want to live with us, all the practicalities have been discussed.

It's still a bit frustrating as I can see properties right now on the market which could be ideal for us all, but he has to give notice of 2 months on his flat, whereas I was supposed to move out of my house 2 weeks ago.

But he doesn't want to be rushed which is fair enough.

Meanwhile I'll move myself and the children into a small 1 or 2 bed flat until we review the situation again.
It feels daft me looking for a bigger house for myself and the kids andmaking it all homely and settled in if we are going to move again anyway in several months.

Although of course circumstances could change in several months or he could change his mind perhaps, and then me and e kids are still living cramped in a tiny flat.

Pah

I hate to be Miss Pessimistic, but I wouldn't be moving into a flat that wasn't suitable for long term living for myself & my DC, iyswim. There's no guarantee he won't say he needs another 6 months.

I mean, if he 'wants' to live with you all, what's the 6 months supposed to be accomplishing? Either he wants to live with you or he doesn't. If he has to use 6 months to 'work up his courage', then I'd be afraid he's not really doing what he wants. He's doing what you want in order to keep you.

He needs 2 months just to give notice to his landlord.

The six months figure arose because I was supposed to leave my house 2 weeks ago (currently awaiting bailiff eviction date because I didn't move as requested) and I have nowhere else to go, so wouldn't want him to give hi notice right now, I move into a new place of my own, and then have to move out again when his notice is up.

It's all now sounding far more complicated than it did when we talked about it

So why not give his notice now, move into a place big enough for all of you and he can spend the next 2 months gradually moving in with you, feeling completely unrushed?
Yes, he'll "waste" 2 months rent on a 1-bed, but you'll save a set of tenany/removal fees, etc, plus I expect the remaining 4 months in a place big enough for all of you will cost less than the total you'd both pay for both his 1-bed& your 2-bed for that 4 months.

So probably neutral/better financially, much less hassle for you & DC, and he gets to spend 2 months gradually moving in as "unrushed" as can be.

Do the calculations and show him
If he doesn't go for it, then you have your answer now rather than in 6 months time

Find a home that is suitable for you and your children now. If you move to something unsuitable and then he's still dithering in 6 months, you'll end up having to move again and being pissed off with him.

I dont think it sounds necessarily like he doesnt want to live with you (though also he can't be that keen either). More that he is undecided about making the financial/legal commitment of buying together.

My DP asked me to move in with him fairly quickly in our relationship - into his house which he already owned. I have realised over the years though that he is somewhat wary of us buying together in the future, and this is because like your DP he lost a lot of money and suffered some guilt when splitting up with previous long term partner and then selling the home they owned together.

Luckily for me it isn't a big problem atm as I don't have the money to go in on buying a house right now...it won't be an issue for a good few years yet...

Anyway, I understand your DP being wary. But it isn't fair that you are trying so hard to accommodate his feelings and taking on all the stress and financial hit, and he isn't really doing the same for you. I think after 3.5 years together you should be able to talk to him honestly about this, about how trying to work out the best thing to do is doing your head in, and you are NOT bringing it up to try to put pressure on him or twist his arm, but because you simply need to get a long term plan worked out to avoid wasting your time and money.

I see you have already talked to him about it since you started the thread and that he seems to have agreed to buying with you in 6 months time...but you dont seem very convinced that this will actually happen. Did you lay your cads on the table re: the difficult decisions you are trying to make? Did he express sympathy and a real desire to work out a solution together or was there more of the 'you're trying to twist my arm' stuff?

Just to add as the replies are heading in the wrong direction: we are not buying a place together we both still rent and intend to continue to rent*

Thankyou :)

MaragaretRiver yes that sounds like a good idea, but I can't afford to pay the rent on a large 3 bed house by myself - because he requires one workspace the house will need a large garage preferably double - my current rent is 525 for a small 2/3 bed terrace and that size house would cost around 8/900 a month.

Icould maybe muddke wi it for a few months UtThen if he decided not to move in I'd be buggered.

Another factor Iforgot to mention is that his work isn't reliably buoyant at the moment and he worries about that.

Hi OP, possibly I feel like your partner. I have met someone who has asked me to marry him and wants me to move in with him (he has even installed a cat flap for my cat) but I am extremely wary of ever living with anyone else again. My DD and I have been alone for nearly 18 years (she is 18) and once she goes to university, I am relishing being totally independent in my own place, at least for a good while. It doesn't mean that I don't love him or don't want to see him - or that I want to break up with him in any way at all. I am very happy with him but, as you say above, if he started to issue ultimatums I would feel very uncomfortable. Once you live with someone you lose your own space, your independence, you have no bolt-hole to go back to. At least that's how I see it.

I would do exactly as others have said - find somewhere suitable for you and your children, keeping him out of the equation. Nothing has to change regarding your relationship.

What's best for your children should be the priority here, not what's best for him (and you).

But he does want to live with us, all the practicalities have been discussed

This is bollocks OP. He has the opportunity to live with you now if he wanted, and he's turned it down.

Instead he's suggesting that you potentially move your children twice in a year to accommodate his desire not to feel rushed.

Except of course he doesn't mean it any more than he meant he'd marry you. This is to keep you quiet and keep the status quo.

Don't bank on anything from this man, sort out the optimum place for you and your kids long term and forget about living with him.

How about being with a man that suits what you want in life for a change. Did you really want your DC to have a father that just turned up here and there? Were you fine with your BF not living with you? I'd guess not as you are keen to live with your present BF and have even encouraged your youngest to call him "Daddy". Why is it that you accept such crumbs from your relationship? It's fine for anybody to have a relationship without commitment should they wish, but its sad when children are involved.
Have you put off moving out to the extent that you are looking at eviction just before xmas with your children, because you are waiting on a man's decision that will not arrive any time soon? What about references for a new house, surely a previous eviction order will stop most landlord's even considering you as suitable.
Jumping to a man's tune is not the way to go, put your DC first and sort a place for yourselves only.

He's not treating you and your kids with any sense of priority or love. It's all about him. A decent man wouldn't watch you cram into a tiny flat when he has the wherewithal to stop that happening.

Sorry OP, I think you're being very badly misled.

And if he needs a massive house with a garage/spare room that he can work from, how is he coping in a one bedroom flat?

Smorgasboard I didn't 'encourage the pungent to call my boyfriend Daddy'.

My youngest has known my current boyfriend since he was about 12 months old - I left their bio Dad when he was a newborn. His elder sibling started calling him Daddy and the younger followed suit.

No I haven't put off moving out based on an outcome from my boyfriend. I had a possession notice several months ago. I'm sitting out the eviction because there's nowhere suitable to rent recently/lately/currently.

LyndaNotLinda he'd already offered to put us up in his one bed flat whilst I looked for somewhere for me and the kids. It's me who doesn't think it's a good idea cramming us all into his flat temporarily.

I'll start a separate thread about the landlord references. I didn't think about that actually.

Bottom line: He does not want to live with you and your children. Please don't see that as a slight on you or the relationship. He's happy with things as they are.

Make sure that you put you and your children's housing needs first. Do not look for somewhere with a view that 'in six months time'... In six months time, my reckonings he will have another excuse.

But we've already had a talk and agreed that we'd both begin to look at houses seriously in about 6 months time, even though I did make my concerns clear that would mean me and the kids having to move home twice in 6 months or twice in a year at most which I'm not looking forward to..

I can hardly go back now and say actually I've changed my mind, can you not just give your 2 month notice now? I know he doesn't want to be rushed, that my Notice has forced the urgency sort of thing.

Maybe I need to reconsider the temporarily staying with him at his flat option.
It would give him a chance to trial us I suppose to see if he's actually ready to live with someone again.
It would save both of us money as his flat rent is hugely less than my current rent at my house.
Although I'd have to put my stuff into storage and would acquire a school run by car each day, instead of a 60 second walk to school.

Plus four people sharing a one bed flat.

I can't seem to make a decision.

All the replies suggesting I just find somewhere for me and the kids; that's the point, in is town, there is nowhere currently available for my budget.

I really don't see what 6 months' difference is going to make. I honestly think he's stalling.

Now is the perfect opportunity to take that step. In fact it'll be more difficult to move in together in six months' time.

You simply have to work with the reality of the situation which is that he doesn't want to move in with you now. But you need to move now.

Please don't even consider dicking your kids around, cramming them into a tiny flat and uprooting them three times in a year.

If he's not ready now then fuck him. Get you and your kids sorted.

As far as I can tell from your posts, you're doing all the running and compromising and he's just keeping you dangling. To the detriment of your kids' security and happiness.

You do appear to be dithering over a decision. Could what is stopping you, be that you fear the relationship will flounder based on what you choose?
The obvious choice has been there for months, that is, to find a house that yourself and your children can afford to live in. Throwing other ideas in is just over-complicating what needs doing for your kids safety.
You could really end up homeless, and the risk of that is bigger if you try to make plans with a man who clearly does not want to live with you. You don't want to move twice in 6 months, but you could end up moving more than that between B&B's and social housing if eviction happens.
It does sound like he is stringing you along and giving you the watered down version of 'I don't want to live with you'. I fear you will find that his offer of his flat will not still be on the table if it comes to that. It sounds like the kind of thing someone would say without seriously expecting someone to take it up, just because they feel they should say something supportive at the time.
If you were by some miracle, to end up in his flat, your relationship will die very quickly anyway. Can't think a man who does not want to share a house, will be pleased in such cramped conditions, it won't be tolerable, then you will end up moving out again. His landlord, I suspect ,may not legally be allowed to have you stay there due to overcrowding, health & safety rules - your BF may know this is a non-starter, it was likely a hollow offer.
You only ever had one reasonable choice, I hope you find somewhere fast, and without him.

My gut feeling is to go ahead and just find a house for me and the kids.

You're right, what difference does another 6 months or so make.

I know he wants to do a bit of end of tenancy paint touching up on his place and he's worried about his current work flow and I've only just got a job too which maybe concerns him (although we both have plenty of savings) but it all sounds like dithering now I read back on it.

I'm not exactly thrilled at the thought of deciding to live with someone based on the suddenness of my housing situation, even if I have been thinking about living with him for over a year prior to this.

I'm not putting my kids first here am I. That's the right answer. Not my desire to live with him, nor his desire to take a little while longer to consider it or tie up loose ends. I should be thinking of their security. And moving home twice in less than a year isn't right.

My only point is to find a new place that will suit you and the kids long term even if it's small and/or you need to drive to school. Not a "Oh, this is teeny and the kids are on top of each other sharing but it's only for 6 months" stop gap place. A place where, if in 6 months time he doesn't shit or get off the pot, you won't be going 'Well hell, now I've got to find a bigger/closer/nicer/farther out place I can afford on my own for the long term then".

Do NOT move into his 1 bed flat! That way lies madness! Plus, if he gets cold feet, you'll be right back where you started.

It seems to me you're pretty much saying you're 'priced out' of your preferred area. And it seems to me that you're putting all your eggs in one (his) basket. If he fails you are you looking at having to move out of the town you now live in?

So, if I understand correctly he'll be putting his notice in around April-ish (the 4th month of the 6 month period, giving 2 months notice). I'd suggest that in late February or early March you have another serious talk to see if he intends to do so. Don't sit silently hoping or waiting to see if he does.