honest opinions - do you think he isn't ready to live with me and the children?

[TreesInSpace]

Background so as not to drip-feed:

My boyfriend and I are 47.
I have two kid age 6 and 8 from my previous relationship.
He has none.
I have lived on my own for the past 11 years, as the children's father and I never lived together, he'd just stay sporadically for days or weeks at a time as it suited him.
My boyfriend lived with his previous and her then teenage children for 15 years. She did not want more children, he went along with that.
We were both single for 3-4 years each before we met eachother.
We don't live together, but he stays every weekend and we've been on holidays and so forth and he's very much part of my family. My children have called him 'Daddy' since the youngest was about 3.
They know the distinction between my boyfriend and their bio Dad. They haven't seen or spoken to their bio Dad in 4.5 years.
We lost an (unplanned) baby last year to miscarriage. We don't plan on more.
Neither of us have been married before and we both privately rent.

Now to my query: Can I have your honest opinions - do you think he isn't ready to live with me and the children?

I've been given notice on my house, I was supposed to move out last Friday but am negotiating until Christmas. It's looking unlikely though.

Boyfriend and I have lightly discussed living together, but he is adamant he wants it to be a joint decision, not a decision forced by the circumstance of my Notice.
He admits he's scared at prospect of living with someone again, but is prepared to be scared.

I am struggling/indeed underplaying how difficult it is to find myself a next property. In this town, there's about 6 on Rightmove within my budget, and they're all 2 not 3 bedroom, and all in 'bad' areas where I wouldn't feel safe to leave the house unburgled every day.

I've had conversations about this with him, and he reassures me with, 'Well you won't be homeless, you can stay here if you need to'.

Four people in a small one-bed flat is risking our relationship I think. Surely that limited space would exacerbate any stress?

But another time, he's said, 'stay here for a few months and I'll give notice and we'll find somewhere together'.

Then it's radio silence on the subject until I bring it up again.
I'll show him a picture of a great house, and he responds with, 'so you are trying to twist my arm now?' I think he's worried that I'm trying to find us a house right now when I'm not, I was just showing him what is available. But that reply made me shrink.

He also regularly says he'll 'marry me one day' but I don't take it seriously, because it's said in lighthearted conversation. I've not been proposed to and don't have an engagement ring obviously.

Basically I feel very confused. I don't want to 'force' a man to live with me, either because my notice has run out, or because he feels he has to temporarily house me whilst I look for somewhere else.

Yet he sometimes insinuates it's what he wants .
I'm even holding back on buying things I need, like a new washing machine, and a new bed, because I think, I'm duplicating household goods if we do end up moving in together, so it would be a waste of money as he already has these items.

Also, getting a new rental costs up to 2.5 thousand in fees/advance/bond etc. If I put that much money down now on a place just for me and the kids, then in 6 months he says he's ready to live together now, I've wasted that money.

My options are to either all go and stay with him in his one bed flat for a few months, and he's said before he'd give notice and find somewhere together (but that contradicts his insistence he doesn't want to do this out of forced circumstance, which is what my Notice is)

Just go ahead and rent a new place for myself and the kids.

3.5 years is a long time together to know if you're ready to progress your relationship or not, isn't it? I'm just confused, and under stress to make a quick decision, as either way I have to move !

What would you advise? Thankyou

These are amazing replies, thankful so much so far, it's incredibly helpful and I'm already planning on taking some specific advice here. It just makes so much sense whether people - even complete strangers - can give a new perspective on something that I have obviously over analysed to death!

thing is op that sometimes we get so caught up in our own thoughts that it's hard to see the bigger picture. Plus it's easy to see the reluctance as rejection, which in turn makes it more difficult to be objective....

For me, i wouldn't see not wanting to live with me as a deal-breaker per se, as in I wouldn't leave the relationship because of it, but equally I would see it as a bit of a rejection especially if dp had talked about living together in the past, for instance.

If he wanted to be living with you/married to you, he would.

Seek a place for you and the DC.

I don't understand why you allowed your DC to call him Daddy so early on. It's still not clear what his level of commitment is.

I would get a house that you can afford on your own. He can move in later, if you decide that's what you both want.

I would be VERY reluctant to get a house that you can ONLY afford with his help. Because, if you did separate later on, not only would you (and your kids) suffer the upheaval of the separation, you would also lose your home. And that's way too risky.

A 2 bed home would be fine, if the bedrooms are large enough for the DC to share.

FWIW, 3.5 years is a long time, and you should both really decide what's going to happen. Can't you just sit him down and say "Look, you're giving me mixed messages. We're 47 and I'm too old for this shit. We need to get this sorted. What do you want to do??"

Good luck!

I can only echo what others have said, get a place on your own. He is blowing hot and cold and that's nothing to base a permanent home for your kids on.
You might lose the deposit amount if it does end up working out and you move in together in the future, but that is tiny in comparison to having to uproot under circumstances where it doesn't.

I don't think that him saying 'you can move in with me' is a serious offer two adults and two kids in a one bed flat?? I think he is more saying that in a 'if the worst comes to the worst, you won't be homeless you can all stay here while you look for something' kind of way. I live a fairly nomadic life, and my friends have said the same to me -- they mean it in that they won't see me sleeping under a bridge, not that I should seriously consider turning up on their doorstep rather than finding somewhere of my own.

Yes Gamerchick you're right, time is of the essence. I was supposed to leave this property a week ago. Notice expired last Friday and I'm not optimistic that I can stay on much longer.

Duckdeamon the youngest child doesn't even remember his bio Dad now, ai left when he was a 4 week old newborn.

But more significantly it's the older child that started to call him Daddy. Youngest just followed her. She knows the difference between the bio Dad who hasn't spoken or seen them in over 4 years, and the man who's here every weekend, has been to school events, family events, holidays, whom they both refer to in their conversations with their friends ; 'My Daddy says this, My Daddy does that'.

It's not a situation I've been in before and I 'allowed' it (rather than encouraged it) because the children made the decision themselves really. It evolved by itself, rather.

With hindsight maybe it wasn't a good idea, but I'm not going to backtrack now after they've called him it for so many years, and say, no, start calling him Fred, not Daddy. They've 'adopted' him.

Have you posted about this man and your family before? It just sounds v similar to posts I've read before by someone whose partner v clearly did not want to live with her but where she was trying to convince herself that he did.

in these very specific circumstances I would conclude he is a bullshitter, make my own arrangements and review exactly how much time he spent at yours eating your food, warming his feet under your table and having all the nice bits of parenting and none of the shit bits

I thought the same at the start of the thread Ikeameatballs. Very similar. Might be worth the OP digging it up and seeing how that went.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him - an honest conversation about what you each want in terms of relationship / home arrangements. No point guessing or reading what you think is going on. It doesn't have to an ultimatum conversation.

Realistically, the issue may not be solved within your timescale, due to your notice given.

I don't want to issue ultimatums

It's not about 'ultimatums'. It's about your urgent need to find another property to rent as 2 adults and 2 dc in one bedroom flat is not going to work and could well end up wrecking your relationship with Mr Procrastinator.

Have you considered waiting until your current landlord evicts you? The proceedings will take a few months so you'll have a home through Christmas and into New Year and as you have dc your local authority will have a statutory duty to house you from the date of eviction.

It's not as awful as it may sound and it will give you the opportunity to access social housing at an affordable rent - or at least far more affordable than the private market.

The downside is that you may be accomodated in temporary accomodation until a property becomes available but that very much depends on what area you live in as it's a question of supply and demand.

I can't remember Ikeameatballs, I'm sure a few women could be in a similar position, but I'd appreciate not being outed if so for piracy reasons.

Piracy! Privacy obviously. Blimmin autocorrect.

Goddessofsmallthings I don't think I have that long, I was served a Section 21 Notice which expired last week.

For what I've read online, bailiff eviction can take between 2-4 weeks.

I'm not eligible for social housing as I have savings, and I don't want to be put into the hotel bedsits which they currently use for temporary/emergency accommodation in this town, as I've already enquired down this route - there is no suitable housing stock for us.

But DC shouldn't make decisions like that: it was your responsibility to so that. He was/is your boyfriend.

He clearly doesn't regard himself as their father if after 3.5 years he's dithering about helping you resolve a difficult housing situation.

Not much to be done about it at this stage, but suggest seeking housinh advice because this doesn't seem like someone you can rely on.

Duckdeamon I've sent my pre-Notice period researching and seeking all available housing advice. I'm not eligible to be rehoused as I have small savings.

I'm currently waiting on the bailiffs to post their Eviction date notice through my letterbox. I want to be out before that happens, so I'm frantically looming for a new property. I knew this was coming for months and I've been looking since and no properties in my budget are available.

He is offering help. He's offered to give us a place to stay if the worst comes to the worst to avoid us being homeless.

But then he also said another time, we should move in for a few months then he'll give notice and we'll look for a place together.

What's confused me is he's made two opposite statements: one just offering temporary stay, the other a means to a more permanent end.

I'm worried that he feels pushed into making a big decision simply because my circumstances of the Notice have forced it.

But if he's not ready to live with someone again after dating them for 3.5 years, I'm not going to force the matter.

I'm sort of answering my own question here aren't I

I remember now, looking back, the two boyfriends I did live with, even though we were all young they were still so excited, it was an adventure, we honestly believed we were going ro make a life and stay together forever (youth, eh )

Two times I lived with a boyfriend I should add, I didn't live with two at one time.

Whereas this boyfriend, he doesn't even smile when we talk about it, he just seems sort of resigned, as if it's something that's inevitable and he doesn't have a choice, in the nicest way possible. That's the impression I get.

Then you have your answer, yes ?

Basically, anything other than a 100% positive, proactive response from him to the suggestion of living together means he doesn't want to live with you.

Stop analysing everything he's said and look at how he acts. He gives you just enough scraps to keep you hoping, while doing fuck all about moving thing s forward.

Tell him you can't afford a place in your area and you'll have to move 40mins-1hr away to find somewhere affordable. See what his reaction is. I bet it will be along the lines of 'but will you still drive here to come and see me?'

Yes it does look like you have your answer.

If he wanted to live with you/marry you he would be.

Yes, AF, I think I may have my answer. I don't think I could see the wood for the trees. I still need to decide whether I should sit down and talk abut this seriously with him, as opposed to us just lightly discussing it in passing, or alluding to it, but my gut feeling is that he's not ready yet, if ever, to live with me.

I have to make a decision within the next 7-14 days maximum so I've put this on Watch and will update the outcome in due course.

Thank you for taking time to respond, everyone.