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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stayed with cheating dp and now regret it

68 replies

Backtonature · 19/11/2015 21:42

My dp cheated on me pre dc. We had been together 10 years when it happened. I was gutted and loved him so much I gave him another chance. 7 years later we have two dc, I love them so much. He is a rubbish father, and that with the past cheating has killed my love for him. My children are young, 2 and 5. I feel bad to leave over something that happened pre dc. I think if he was a good father I may still love him but he is so lazy with the dc he hardly spends any time with them. I feel so lonely and depressed :(

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Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 19/11/2015 21:46

Please leave him if you are not happy, the fact he is a shit father will just make you feel worse about him. I left my dh this year, my dc's are a little bit older, I waited to end it but I wish I had left years ago. The kids have been fine, they have hardly noticed that he's not here because he never did anything with them anyway. I was depressed, suffering from anxiety and low selfasteem, I feel so much better and stronger now.

Inexperiencedchick · 19/11/2015 21:47

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
I don't know what to advice re your marriage situation but I can relate to you feeling lonely while being in a relationship.

It's very hard when you feel lonely...

Hope you will find a solution to it. Stay strong, big hug.

Original poster
Backtonature · 19/11/2015 22:00

I am depressed, anxious and low self esteem too dohnuts. When he comes home from work I feel nervous and I don't know why. He seems so full of negativity towards everyone. If I have a good day it all comes crashing down when I see him. It's hard to explain. I care about him as in I don't want to do anything to hurt him but I don't think I love him anymore. He feels like a stranger.

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Original poster
Backtonature · 19/11/2015 22:03

I keep thinking to wait until my 2 year old is older as she co-sleeps with us (well me as she won't lay near dp so she clings on to me at the edge of the bed!) in not sure how she would deal with overnight contact. Also my 5 year old is an anxious child, she hates being away from me :(

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Original poster
Backtonature · 19/11/2015 22:04

Posted too soon, I was going to say I think I should wait until they are a bit older but I am so unhappy I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this

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TPel · 19/11/2015 22:10

Your DC will know how unhappy you are and this might be the trigger for the clingy behaviour. It is so hard to leave, but for your happiness and by extension your DC's, the time might be now.

Good luck Flowers

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/11/2015 22:10

If you're going to separate then do it as soon as possible while they are young. The older they get the more challenging they will find the change.

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 19/11/2015 22:11

My dc's don't have overnight contact, I'm sure your dh would realise that it would be hard work for him to have your 2 year old over night.

Kicking my dh out was not easy, the first month was hell but it was worth it, I feel so much better now, I don't have to worry about him coming home from work, my dc's are happier and more relaxed and they probably have a better relationship with their dad than they did when he lived here. I got to the point where I almost hated looking at him, everything he did annoyed me ( and everything he didn't do ).

DragonsCanHop · 19/11/2015 22:12

Don't over think it. What I mean is, think about how different you would be away from him and how much nicer that would be for your DC.

Happy mum and all that.

RandomMess · 19/11/2015 22:16

One of 2 things will happen, he'll either step up and be a dad and the dc will be happy with him or he'll disappear altogether.

Either way your dc will be happier.

Original poster
Backtonature · 19/11/2015 22:17

dognuts that is where I'm at, everything he does annoys me. He works two jobs so we hardly see him but it was his choice as he wanted a big house (so big mortgage) and a fancy car. I would of been happy with a small house and an old car. I feel bad he is so warn out from work, he said he does it for our family, but I think he does it because he is so materialistic and maybe as a way to avoid family life.

What contact does your ex have? I'm worried his mother would encourage him to push for overnights so she could look after them, she is not a very pleasant woman and I never let her babysit my kids.

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Thisismyfirsttime · 19/11/2015 22:19

You don't have to stay with someone just because they haven't done something huge like cheating or being violent. You can leave just because you don't feel you love them, or as in your case that you are just unhappy with them and they don't make you feel good.
Do you think do'd be awkward about contact if you did split and try to insist upon overnights away from you? If you say he does very little with your dc's now he may be happy to have them for shorter periods and return them after a couple of hours. Are you worried because you think he'll be nasty just for the sake of it?

AtSea1979 · 19/11/2015 22:20

You often find that rubbish dads have much better relationships once they have split up as they then have that contact and have to make the effort and have that quality time. Either that or they disappear.

Thisismyfirsttime · 19/11/2015 22:22

X posted. What do you think he'd do though? Go with MIL knowing the dc's would be upset at being away from you or work with you to build up contact?

Original poster
Backtonature · 19/11/2015 22:25

I think he would do everything he could to try and look like super dad even if it made the dc unhappy :(

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Original poster
Backtonature · 19/11/2015 22:26

If the dc were upset he would just shout at them. He does that now (not very often though as he is never here)

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Original poster
Backtonature · 19/11/2015 22:28

I feel like I need to protect them from him if that makes sense? He is not physical with them at all but he can be unkind with his words and he has expectations of them beyond their years. And he is a lazy parent in terms of things like health and safety eg he leaves bleach out, match box lying around, razors. I spend most my time picking up after him and making sure the house is safe

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Itisbetternow · 19/11/2015 22:32

My two DC didn't do overnight for at least a year. Ex never asked for them to stay. It was me that pushed the issue as I felt it was time for me to spend time on my own. My two get on better with ex now. He does a lot more with them now too. Your DC might be anxious because they can sense that you are not happy.

Original poster
Backtonature · 19/11/2015 22:34

I do worry I am causing them problems by staying in an unhappy relationship. I worry the alternative would be worse though. I feel so confused.

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Original poster
Backtonature · 19/11/2015 22:41

I've been unhappy for a long time but just lately I feel like I have had all the life sucked out of me and I'm just an empty shell if that makes sense :(

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Doughnutsandflapjacks33 · 19/11/2015 22:43

Your kids will be fine believe me, kids adjust easily, they will probably be happier as there will be less tension in the house and they will see that you are happier.

BaronessSamedi · 19/11/2015 22:52

You're allowed change your mind, you know.
Finish it with him. Sounds like a waste of space.

blueribbons · 19/11/2015 22:55

Definitely leave and begin a new and much happier life with your two children. Childhood is so short, and looking back with regret that none of you were able to fully enjoy it would be awful - it sounds as though you will all be so much happier on your own. As someone else said, my children forged a far better relationship with their dad after we split. He was a rubbish and negligent dad too, always grumpy and our hearts used to sink when he came home from work. Cut yourself free now, there is a world of happiness waiting for you and your little ones.

PoorFannyRobin · 19/11/2015 23:05

Please go ahead and make the change in your life now. Don't wait until your youth and many of your options are gone. Your children will not be happier or more secure if you remain in the marriage. As time passes, they will feel the same frustration, unhappiness, and lack of trust in dealing with him that you do. It doesn't get better with time. Believe me -- I know how this plays out.

Original poster
Backtonature · 20/11/2015 06:55

I think I've got a lot of thinking to do. Thank you for the insights. I would live to think if we split he would become a better father, how did your husbands react when you said you wanted to seperate? Did you tell them they were a rubbish father?

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