Stayed with cheating dp and now regret it

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My dp cheated on me pre dc. We had been together 10 years when it happened. I was gutted and loved him so much I gave him another chance. 7 years later we have two dc, I love them so much. He is a rubbish father, and that with the past cheating has killed my love for him. My children are young, 2 and 5. I feel bad to leave over something that happened pre dc. I think if he was a good father I may still love him but he is so lazy with the dc he hardly spends any time with them. I feel so lonely and depressed :(

Hi. I've been through 2 divorces. Both times instigated by me. The thought of making that break is way scarier than doing it. I waited both times for this HUGE reaction from the world that never came. Changing is always frightening in your head. The initial break up is always uneasy but it resolves fast. And you won't look back. Be honest with him though. I guarantee he isn't happy either hence the shouting and tension.

Divorced when DC 2&3. Everyone was happier.

If anyone would be kind enough to tell me their story of a useless dp and father and how you managed to seperate and what happened I would be grateful. I need some inspiration! Only if anyone feels able to though, I know it's really personal. I just feel so alone. I feel like I am living in some kind of fog if that makes sense, and I feel anxious all the time. I'm also scared of his reaction if I tell him I want him to leave. We are not married, I do not work and he is a workaholic. He has paid a lot into our house and I have paid nothing. I've worked out with the maintenance he would have to pay and if I got a lodger for the largest en suite room (which is a whole floor to itself) I could afford the mortgage. Is this unrealistic? I feel bad taking his dream home away from him after all his hard work. The thought makes me feel sick.

Hi OP, I'm giving you this info more to reassure you regarding contact for your DC than recommending you go this route, if something can be arranged amicably that's usually better but you do have options to ensure his contact with DC is done the best way for them if he won't agree voluntarily. You can get a solicitor to send him a letter (for a price obviously) outlining your concerns around their safety (bleach, razors etc) and him shouting at them and stating no overnight contact. If he won't agree he would then need to go to court for contact and you would have the opportunity to express your concerns there, I would imagine a court would order supervised contact or at least no overnight stays. If he's on the birth certificates (and therefore has parental responsibility) it might be safer to insist he goes to court so he has to stick to what they decide, I don't think an agreement via a solicitors letter is legally binding and he could ignore what's been agreed after the event whereas he has to stick to a court arrangement. Don't stay with him just because you're worried about this side of things though, if you have real concerns about their wellbeing while they're with him there are ways to ensure it's done the right way for them.

I agree the best way forward for you and the children is to work out your finances and leave.

OP, I am sorry to have to tell you that your financial and housing situation is very very precarious . There is no legal recognition of 'common law' relationships. This is why it is extremely important to marry before having children especially if you will be a sahm reliant on a partners income rather than husbands. The main difference is the 'marital assets' the largest of course being the property. In a marriage, regardless of whose name is on the mortgage, the house is jointly owned by both and in the event of a divorce a wife can keep hold of the home if they can cover the mortgage and not have to pay the husband off until the children leave fte. In cohabitation couples the only legal entitlement is maintenance for the children. It is his house in his name. As you have already said he wanted the big house, is very materialistic and works two jobs to pay for it, I would doubt very much that he would 'hand it over'. You may of course be entitled to something if you can show you contributed to the mortgage/deposit or bought assets of your own into the relationship.

You need to get yourself to a free 30 minute legal consultation and find out exactly where you stand in your specific situation.

Is the house in both your names?

Please read Reality's thread at the top of the relationships board. It will help you to feel stronger

You seem to think he would leave easily (planning for a lodger in your home.)

Even if you are both on the mortgage he doesn't have to leave. And it's a myth that you can stay in the house till the children are 18 (just saw this advice on another relationships thread.) My case went to court and I had to sell the family home to divide the equity and leave with two small dc.

Obviously you might come to an amicable arrangement and that would be ideal. But from what you say the family home is very important to him.

I would start with getting some basic legal advice re your position especially as you are not married and not working eg how would you afford the mortgage?

Then I would end the relationship and make plans to separate and divorce.

As for him stepping up to be a good father, how would he have the time to care for them if he is a workaholic? You could agree on one day at the weekend and after school /tea once a week or something like that especially if your little one is clingy. Again, it depends on how amenable your partner is and if you can come to some sort of arrangement together.

If you're going to end it, the sooner the better - the younger they are, the easier it is for kids I think.

My daughter was 4.5 and was really happy. She's 7 now. She would prefer her parents to be living together, yes. But - it's not good v bad. It's - all good now, just be nicer to live together. Of course she doesn't know all the downsides to that (like her growing up in an atmosphere and being modelled a shit unloving relationship).
She's happy though.

She's MUCH closer to her dad than she was. He still doesn't make any effort to sound time with her beyond when it suits him to have a playmate for his GF's child, and to look like Super Dad. But he's lovely with her then and she is very happy with him. He's "forced" to have her when I travel for work. Forced as in no choice - and he'd drop the days if he didn't have to, cos he's lazy. But she doesn't know that and she likes being with him.

You just have to accept that there may be over night contact - should be, really. When I first started traveling with work (still married) my 1yo was still cosleeping and breastfeeding through the night! It still worked out fine.

Just to clarify, my advice to OP that a married woman 'can hold on to the house until the dcs finish fte' is of course only one scenario. More often, the house is ordered sold and proceeds divided to enable both parents to provide a home for their children. BUT it is highly unlikely in this case. The OP is not married, and is not contributing to the mortgage. The house is in DP's name only and due to not having married cannot be regarded as a marital asset. The house is the partners. Unless the OP has put some amount of savings into the property that she has not told us about, it would be unlikely she would have much of a claim, that is why marriage is so important especially as a sahm reliant on DPs income.

The only people who can give her a definitive answer to the OPs specific case are solicitors who specialise in family law. Most will give a free 30 minute consultation to let you know what to expect and where you stand financially.

I agree, I think you need some legal advice. You may be faced with a very harsh reality, namely that you aren't entitled to anything in terms of assets, although he will need to pay you maintenance for the children. But you need proper, legal support so you truly know where you stand.

With that information you will need to decide what you want to do. Don't underestimate the damage to yourself and your dc of an unhappy relationship but you may need to be ruthless and plan for an exit once you've got yourself back into the workforce etc. Unless you really think he will leave you with the house? This doesn't seem likely.

The house is in joint names. I put down most of the deposit from redundancy money. But he pays the mortgage.

OK, joint names is good.
Your priority is to get legal advice and understand what you can expect to get out from the house on sale.
The good news is the house is bigger than your needs, and bigger than you even WANT.
I'd start working out what you can afford, smaller.

Get all your ducks in a row before you end it.

Speak to your husband about this problem. See how he feels. Tell him exactly what you told us. Maybe he would change and step up. Were you both happy to be together again after the affair?

Have people not read the thread ? One of the main problems is that the OP is NOT married therefore she cannot discuss things with her husband, nor can she end the relationship and get a divorce as suggest after she explained she was cohabiting as opposed to marriage.

OP, joint names on house is good. As is the fact you put the deposit down. Do you have proof of this ? Was it a substantial proportion of the cost ?. Definitely drag out whatever you can find to show solicitor your contribution. Would still be unlikely you could keep the house as you would not be able to get a mortgage without an income even if (and it's a big IF) the courts or mediation decided he could transfer into your name. Most likely would be him having to pay you a figure to get you off the ownership deeds. Which would probably be deposit plus some of the equity but not that much as you haven't paid the mortgage. It's all guess work until you see someone professional who can advise about your specific circumstances.

Marylin why can she not talk to her partner?

From what OP has said he seems just as unhappy in the relationship

Oh dear that's my idea of keeping the house then. We only moved 12 months ago which the oldest struggled with, I didn't want to have to uproot her again :(

You must get legal advice so you know where you stand.

I think I will talk with him first and see if there is any way we can work on our relationship and go from there. Thank you for that advice.

Was there a Deed of Trust drawn up to protect your contribution of the deposit when you bought the property?

Seven years after his betrayal of you is a long time, but sometimes such things can not be gotten over very easily and sometimes not at all. He's now living elsewhere, so it looks to an outside that there's not much "working on your relationship" to be done, other than sorting out a formal separation and dealing with the ownership of the property, or selling it and going your separate ways.

Do not maintain the status quo for fear of the financial/housing repercussions. That's almost guaranteed to poison everything completely eventually. Most especially with a partner who is "a rubbish father" to his children. A rubbish father is a pretty good reason for calling it all to an end in and of it's own, isn't it?

you will not be able to keep the house if you cannot take over the mortgage unfortunately. Unless you can find someone to take over the mortgage and in effect, buy out your partner things will be very tricky.

Get legal advice and see where you stand with renting. I don't see the point in being miserable and he sounds pretty awful.

Why not start making plans so you are in a better position to move on in the future eg work, training, saving? Do some research on how much it is to rent in your area/how much you can afford and get your facts straight re the legal position. You don't have to move out overnight.