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Original poster

Stayed with cheating dp and now regret it

68 replies

Backtonature · 19/11/2015 21:42

My dp cheated on me pre dc. We had been together 10 years when it happened. I was gutted and loved him so much I gave him another chance. 7 years later we have two dc, I love them so much. He is a rubbish father, and that with the past cheating has killed my love for him. My children are young, 2 and 5. I feel bad to leave over something that happened pre dc. I think if he was a good father I may still love him but he is so lazy with the dc he hardly spends any time with them. I feel so lonely and depressed :(

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Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 10:40

Well I spoke to him last night and he said he doesn't interact with the children because he is tired from working. So basically he is not going to change. I'm just crying in the bathroom because I'm fed up of being the only parent in this house. but with an overgrown 3 rd child to look after. I've had enough. How do I get out of this situation?

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Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 10:43

I borrowed the house deposit from my auntie so after I pay that back if we sold the house I would be left with nothing :(

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Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 10:44

I feel like I'm trapped. I hate my life so much :( I feel like I'm in a prison I just want to leave with my kids but have no where to go

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RandomMess · 22/11/2015 10:49

So there is no equity in the house at all???

I thought you said you put redundancy money into the house?

The car has a value too. All the marital assets and debts are worked out and the starting point is 50:50 as you would presumably end up as doing nearly all the childcare and them residing with you it is likely that you would get more than 50% of the equity value. (Repaying aunt would come from joint money).

The courts priority is the dc being housed so if there is enough for you to buy a 2 bed with a small enough mortgage that could be a possibility?

Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 10:59

i put in £25,000 redundancy and £25,000 I borrowed from my aunt. We said this was our joint savings when applying for the house so there is no record of this. We have only lived here 12 months so haven't paid much mortgage, £1.000 a month dp has paid. In doomed arnt I. If we sold we would need to pay aunt back, maybe we would get £10.000 left each if we were lucky. The car is in dp name he paid for it.

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RandomMess · 22/11/2015 11:08

Sorry thought you were married!!!

Yes you have shafted yourself financially however no amount of money is worth staying if you are that unhappy.

averythinline · 22/11/2015 11:13

£10k is fine - plenty to leave with and even if you are in london at least cover your rent/deposit etc or toward a deposit for a flat.... much better to be in a house that fits and happy than a big house and no life...

not sure why would you get that much less than the deposit you put in though - surely not that much negative equity ??? talk to a lawyer , talk to your aunt...she may not make you repay your half of the £25k you borrowed off her...am sure she'd rather you were happy.

Seriously the happy mum happy kids thing is true ......and the younger they are the easier it is to adjust...

Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 11:25

I'm also scared to tell him I want to seperate, he thinks we have everything, big house, flash car, live next to good schools, nice holidays. He just cannot understand it when I say he is a rubbish parent. He never had a dad, just a stepdad who was violent so I have always given him the excuse he doesn't know how to be a dad. He grew up in poverty so money is very important to him. But surely it's not an exsuse? I feel so sad for my daughters being totally ignored by their dad :(

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RandomMess · 22/11/2015 11:35

Is it worth insisting that you go see a therapist together so he hears it from someone else that relationships are more important etc.?

I'm thinking whether you split or not it would be good for him to have to look at his own behaviour/beliefs?

tribpot · 22/11/2015 12:02

It doesn't sound as if you actually 'have' most of these material possessions that form the basis of his view of the world. You have almost no equity in the house. Are the flash car and the nice holidays paid for on credit? He wants to present a certain lifestyle to outside observers and I'm sure, compared to his own childhood, he thinks he's doing alright at home too.

However, the damage to your kids in being ignored, the damage to you in being unhappy and disrespected, the fact that he cheated - you have the right to expect more from your life than being saddled with someone who is better than his violent stepdad but no more.

He doesn't want to change his behaviour and he holds nearly all the financial power in your relationship. The sooner you get away the better.

Boomingmarvellous · 22/11/2015 12:20

I think legally you would get you £50K back, but as you say you would have to pay your aunt back so you would only be left with a relatively small amount......Your payment and any equity. Not enough to buy your own home and I believe you wouldn't get housing benefit until you have spent that money in renting.

Renting without a job would also be difficult so it doesn't look good with 2 small children. Could you live with family?

What I would do is get as much evidence that you paid a large amount of money into the property. A paper trail of bank statements, redundancy payment, your aunts bank transfers and contribution. What you said at the mortgage meeting isn't relevant. What you paid in is.

I think your DPs poor parenting skills are due more to his personality. Plenty of poorly parented children are good parents.

Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 12:53

He is also making me become a poor parent as I have started to become impatient like him :( I'm so stressed by all the demand he puts on me (helping him with work, giving him lifts to station, favourite complicated meals, spotless house, keeping the kids quiet etc) that I am tired and grumpy :(

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Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 12:59

No we do not really have much, it's all for show. My mum buys the dc clothes from sales and charity shops to help me out as after the Bills there is nothing left for essentials (although dp finds money for designer clothes when he needs these grrrrrr)

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Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 13:00

I would leave today if I had somewhere to go

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Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 13:00

I can't stay with my parents as they live in a tiny bungalow :(

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Cabrinha · 22/11/2015 13:41

Well sorting this out to leave will take a bit of time. But you stop stressing yourself out with cooking his favourite complicated meals TODAY.

RandomMess · 22/11/2015 15:17

You need to start staying "no, that doesn't work for me/us (ie the you and the dc)"

Original poster
Backtonature · 22/11/2015 17:14

Yes I think finding a part time job will be the first step as it will give me some options. Thanks for all the replies. Time to start making a plan now.

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