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Original poster

Why doesn't he like me? I don't want him as Godfather

100 replies

PinkBallerina · 18/11/2015 17:09

DH and i have been together for 10 happy years. DH has two BFFs from his childhood. Lets call them Man1 and Man2.

Man1 is a friend of mine. He actually fixed DH and i up on a blind date and we have been together ever since. Man2 is the problem.

When DH and i met, Man2 was in the Marines and so we didn't see much of him. He then left the Marines and so was around much more and i had the chance to get to know him as we all lived in London. But this has never gone well. He is i think a nice guy, quite alpha male. But for some reason he has never warmed to me. I always feel very uncomfortable around him. This is his doing, i try to chat but he never wants to interract with me. He never talks about his job for privacy reasons (specialist Police) so i can never say "hey how was work". He has very outdoorsey hobbies like rock climbing and sky diving which i know nothing about so i have always found it hard to strike up a conversation about that, but i do always try. He doesn't have a problem chatting up women, i have witnessed this on nights out. So he can talk but for some reason he doesn't like me and won't make the effort to talk to me other than very very basic conversation.

We now live abroad and Man2 has visited us over the years. I have always made an effort; lovely fresh bedding and flowers in the spare room, i cook nice home cooked meals, bake fresh bread and cakes etc etc, i think i do a good job as a hostess. He is polite when he is here but if for some reason he and i are alone, like when DH is at work and his flight back home is a couple of hours later, i always feel uncomfortable and our conversation is minimal and uncomfortable.

I have spoken to DH about this and he says he doesn't know why he is like this and it isn't something i have done. I always let Man2 and DH do their manly things together; they go off skiing, nights out etc. I am not the kind of wife to keep DH on a short lease. So i don't know why he has a problem with me. DH doesn't have an answer other than that Man2 is very alpha male and perhaps thinks we don't have a lot in common. He is right but Man1 is also very alpha and i have no problem talking to him, he is friendly and pleasant.

We made Man1 Godfather of DC1 and DC2 is due to be baptised soon. DH wants Man2 to be Godfather. For all the reasons mentioned, i do not. DH really wants Man2 to be godfather, as DH, Man1 and Man2 are BFFs for forever etc etc. DH knows why i have my reservations but still wants to go ahead. We will see Man2 at Christmas, it will be the first time we have seen him in almost a year. After 10 years of feeling uncomfortable around him i have had enough. I want to know what his problem is i just don't know how to do it.

OP posts:
Suddenlyseymour · 19/11/2015 07:59

Am embarrassed for you; he's just a reserved guy and you don't "fit in" to the boxes; he wouldn't dream of hitting on you, you're his best mate's wife, i'd wager he has no close female friends. Leave it be.

MrsMolesworth · 19/11/2015 08:24

Um, do you fancy him? You are obsessing about him and writing about him in quite a brooding, 'difficult yet wonderful Heathcliffe' way.

Calm down about it all. Have him as Godfather. Be chatty and cheerful around him but never flirtatious. Ask him a bit about his interests - sky diving etc. TYou are as tongue tied around him as he is around you by the sounds of it, so work on your own ability to be relaxed and warm and at ease in his presence, and maybe he'll thaw. It's not like he's coming to live with you. You only have to see him for a few hours at a time.

Joysmum · 19/11/2015 08:58

I wouldn't have texted the other friend. If you need to get to the bottom of his attitude towards you then your DH needs to do it, not you.

KeepOnMoving1 · 19/11/2015 09:48

It's as simple as you just don't click. He's polite enough to you, that's all you need to know. Expecting him to be fawning over you like some best friend is ridiculous.

Twinklestein · 19/11/2015 10:31

I don't think he is polite enough.

If they're left alone together he just ignores OP and pretends she's not there.

That is rude, gauche and insulting and it's totally unacceptable for a guest in someone's house.

Someone who behaves like that in my house is not coming to stay with me.

Twinklestein · 19/11/2015 10:41

Cabrinha

He's a poor role model for a child of either gender - to see their mother ignored in her own home. My point was that he'd probably be fine one on one with a boy - send him boy's own presents, take him on outdoors adventures with DH etc.

So OP were to capitulate to her husband's pressure and the posters on here who really get the issue at all, he'd probably be perfectly ok on his own with a boy.

But I don't feel confident that he would be ok one on one with a girl, given the way he treats the OP.

Given his behaviour, there is no question that I would let him be a GP to either child, personally.

knickernicker · 19/11/2015 10:45

Is godparent really an important role nowadays? It's just something symbolic. I'd go along with it as it will have little impact on you.
That aside, it's rude of him to accept your hospitality but make no effort with you. Your husband should speak to him about it.

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 19/11/2015 11:23

I don't have him in my house for a few hours at a time, he comes for days or a week at a time.

I don't expect him to fawn over me, i expect him to be civil and hold a basic conversation "hey how is DC1 doing at school", "how is the weather, you have a lot if snow", "sorry to hear your mum died", etc basic civil conversation.

I chat more to taxi drivers than i do to a man who spends a week in my house.

I don't want him to like me, he clearly doesn't. I don't want eveybody to like me, i don't think i am needy. I simply don't want someone who clearly doesn't like me, for an unexplained reason, to be a huge part of DD's life. As an active Christian this is important to me.

And no i do not fancy him. Happily together for 10 years in the first sentance of my post.

OP posts:
CoralieConfused · 19/11/2015 13:27

Chill.

CrabbyCockwomble · 19/11/2015 13:57

I'd bet my arse that he fancies you, feels guilty about it and therefore is awkward with you.

CrabbyCockwomble · 19/11/2015 14:02

You texted one of your DH's best friends about the other best friend, about why he dislikes/fancies you? Wtf are you thinking?? Shock If I were your DH and discovered you'd done that, I'd be furious.

BathtimeFunkster · 19/11/2015 14:05

Surely the choice of godparents should be something agreed on by both parents?

You don't want this guy as godfather, so that should be the end of it. Find someone you both agree on.

Why on earth should your husband get to involve someone in your child's life (and in your family) that you don't get along with?

Why does he invite someone into your home for a week at a time that isn't even minimally civil to you whilst there?

Why do you, and your feelings, matter so little in your family?

Alanna1 · 19/11/2015 14:14

Maybe he just doesn't like you?! That doesn't mean he wouldn't be a good godparent to your DC2. A few of my dear friends have husbands I don't like very much - I'm pleasant but wouldn't go out of my way to see them.

April2013 · 19/11/2015 14:23

I'm with you, just like choosing a name, choosing a gf should be a joint decision. Putting up with days of awkwardness for your DH is a good deed but having him as gf would be unreasonable IMO.

eddielizzard · 19/11/2015 14:31

i'm with you. for some reason man 2 acts weirdly around you and until that is cleared up or improved upon, it's not a good idea for him to take such an active role in your dc's life.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 19/11/2015 14:39

I think your husband needs to remember that he is married to you and not his best friend.
God parents should be a joint decision. If you, the child's mother doesn't want him to be gf, then that should be the end of it!
I also would not want a regular guest who made me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

FindoGask · 19/11/2015 14:41

Reading between the lines, you clearly think that he fancies you - but I doubt that he's been secretly holding a flame for you for years to the extent that he can hardly even look at you. That doesn't really happen outside terrible romance fiction. It sounds more like you and he aren't really socially compatible, which is no great crime - and that you want to retaliate or provoke some sort of reaction from him by vetoing the Godfather thing.

Enjolrass · 19/11/2015 15:05

God parents should be a joint decision

Not always. If they can't find anyone they can agree on someone is going to have to compromise. Tbh, if dh listed what the op has, as reasons o not have my friends I would be annoyed. She admits he will make an excellent GF.

Twinklestein · 19/11/2015 15:27

Findo what lines are you reading between?

Nowhere does the OP give the impression that she thinks this guy fancies her, the strongest impression is that she he dislikes her.

Twinklestein · 19/11/2015 15:30

I don't think you can be a good GF if you're not on good terms with both parents.

There's no way I'd ever have made someone a GP who appeared not to like me - what a weird idea. Partly because they may not really want the role.

Twinklestein · 19/11/2015 15:30

she thinks he dislikes her ^^

Enjolrass · 19/11/2015 16:04

I don't think you can be a good GF if you're not on good terms with both parents.

Yea you can. Me and sil don't get along I am GM to her oldest. She knows whatever she thinks of me, I adore my nephew and he me.

Besides which this man is not, not on good terms with OP.

Twinklestein · 19/11/2015 19:23

You're his aunt, so you and nephew would have some kind of relationship with you anyway.

Do you ignore SIL when you go to her house?

CrepeDeChineWag · 19/11/2015 19:40

What did Man 1 say?!?

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 19/11/2015 21:22

No, you sent that text?! Your business, but I would have kept this kind of conversation between you and your DH. (But I am very nosy, so please update.)

If his first instinct on seeing you get pushed by someone was to grab them by the neck, I'd wonder if he secretly has some kind of liking for you and has chosen to deal with it by ignoring you, which isn't very mature, but it happens. And that is something that shouldn't be brought out into the open imo!

You can't take the text back now, but I'd just minimize all this. He's not actively rude to you, he likes your kids, you think he'll be a good role model, I'd let him be godfather. The baptism should give you things to talk about if nothing else.

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