Why doesn't he like me? I don't want him as Godfather

[PinkBallerina]

DH and i have been together for 10 happy years. DH has two BFFs from his childhood. Lets call them Man1 and Man2.

Man1 is a friend of mine. He actually fixed DH and i up on a blind date and we have been together ever since. Man2 is the problem.

When DH and i met, Man2 was in the Marines and so we didn't see much of him. He then left the Marines and so was around much more and i had the chance to get to know him as we all lived in London. But this has never gone well. He is i think a nice guy, quite alpha male. But for some reason he has never warmed to me. I always feel very uncomfortable around him. This is his doing, i try to chat but he never wants to interract with me. He never talks about his job for privacy reasons (specialist Police) so i can never say "hey how was work". He has very outdoorsey hobbies like rock climbing and sky diving which i know nothing about so i have always found it hard to strike up a conversation about that, but i do always try. He doesn't have a problem chatting up women, i have witnessed this on nights out. So he can talk but for some reason he doesn't like me and won't make the effort to talk to me other than very very basic conversation.

We now live abroad and Man2 has visited us over the years. I have always made an effort; lovely fresh bedding and flowers in the spare room, i cook nice home cooked meals, bake fresh bread and cakes etc etc, i think i do a good job as a hostess. He is polite when he is here but if for some reason he and i are alone, like when DH is at work and his flight back home is a couple of hours later, i always feel uncomfortable and our conversation is minimal and uncomfortable.

I have spoken to DH about this and he says he doesn't know why he is like this and it isn't something i have done. I always let Man2 and DH do their manly things together; they go off skiing, nights out etc. I am not the kind of wife to keep DH on a short lease. So i don't know why he has a problem with me. DH doesn't have an answer other than that Man2 is very alpha male and perhaps thinks we don't have a lot in common. He is right but Man1 is also very alpha and i have no problem talking to him, he is friendly and pleasant.

We made Man1 Godfather of DC1 and DC2 is due to be baptised soon. DH wants Man2 to be Godfather. For all the reasons mentioned, i do not. DH really wants Man2 to be godfather, as DH, Man1 and Man2 are BFFs for forever etc etc. DH knows why i have my reservations but still wants to go ahead. We will see Man2 at Christmas, it will be the first time we have seen him in almost a year. After 10 years of feeling uncomfortable around him i have had enough. I want to know what his problem is i just don't know how to do it.

[MoriartyIsMyAngel]

Intriguing! And I guess it will remain intriguing! But I'm glad it all worked out.

[Buttercup443]

I think you're reading too much into his behaviour.

Forces guys often focus mainly on their own gender and keep their own company. Also, he is a very, very good friend of your dh, a brother from another mother and thus is keeping his distance to you because he does not want to give off a vibe that there is anything going on with you.

I dont think i would confront him, i think that would be rude. He is quiet and reserved in your company but he is not nasty or mean. Just let him be. I think he knows you are dhs wife and he respects you too much as the mother of his best friends son to chat to you like some other floozies.

As for his strong christian faith, maybe theres a bit of a madonna/ whore complex there and hence his quiet respect.

[BoGrainger]

Yes, what did man1 say that has resolved the situation? Sounds like good news anyway

[CrabbyCockwomble]

Ah I hadn't realised that Man1 was your childhood friend, sorry. Fair enough to ask him, in that case.

So did he say why he thinks Man2 is so unforthcoming with you?

[BathtimeFunkster]

Why are you giving a man you don't like like and who treats you badly a prominent place in your family?

[PinkBallerina]

I have spoken to Man1. No it hasn't caused a drama, Man1 was my childhood friend, he fixed me up with DH on a date as said previously, i do talk to him and text him from time to time without it destroying my marriage.

Man1 was happy to talk to me providing i agreed to keep it to myself, which i am doing. Man2 will be GF. Thanks for all your help, thanks too Twinklestein

[Twinklestein]

I think you are projecting too, that it's all his fault

How is that projecting? I am not reading myself into this man. I'm simply going on the evidence presented on the thread. He's the one behaving bizarrely. Unless you think almost throttling a man in a club is normal.

But I am not having PA digs am I?

Seriously?

You started wanting to know the ins and outs

No I didn't, I couldn't give a fuck. I simply pointed out that the scenario you described was not the same as the OP.

Not sure why my disagreeing and viewing the OP in a different way to you is such an issue. Again I find it odd that you are so convinced you know the OP so well that you must be 100% right

I don't know her from Adam. I'm just going on the evidence on the thread, rather than making stuff up.

It's not the disagreeing that's the issue, I disagree with people all the time on here but I don't make a deal of it. It's the telling the OP she's the problem when she clearly isn't.

I don't feel the need to continue to justify my opinion

Really? You keep doing so nonetheless...

So he has made clear that he doesn't want to discuss it

What you actually said was that he 'asked not to be involved' which was not correct.

He's obviously brushed off discussion in the past, but if the issue is a serious one like Man2 being a GP - then that's a slightly different matter. We don't know what his reaction would be in that context, he might be more forthcoming.

[Enjolrass]

but Man1 never wants to talk about it or just shrugs it off.

Note man1 never wants to talk about it

So he has made clear that he doesn't want to discuss it

[Enjolrass]

I think you are projecting too, that it's all his fault. You see it that way, I see it another. But I am not having PA digs am I?



Yesterday you posted

I don't think you can be a good GF if you're not on good terms with both parents.

I said I didn't agree. That I am a good GP but do not get on with Sil. You started wanting to know the ins and outs. But your statement was a sweeping generalisation, that to be a good GP you must also get on with both parents. Yet again I simply disagreed with you.

Not sure why my disagreeing and viewing the OP in a different way to you is such an issue. Again I find it odd that you are so convinced you know the OP so well that you must be 100% right.

I don't feel the need to continue to justify my opinion.

[Twinklestein]

That's not what I replied to though is it?

That was my point you replied to. It's taken you quite a long time to get it though...

Man1 didn't 'ask not to be involved'. She simply said he brushed it off when she asked him about it. Which is fair enough.

But if they're considering him as GF then she has every right to try and understand what Man2's issue is.

Tbh I think you're projecting your own insecurities onto the OP. I don't see neediness or desperation. I think she's gone too far out of her way to nice to him given his behaviour, but I understand why as he's DH's BFF.

[Enjolrass]

No doubt you are a good GP, but if you were ignoring SIL and generally behaving how this man does, I wouldn't say you were.

That's not what I replied to though is it? when I first mentioned My sil.

No, the problem is with the guy. OP's behaving perfectly normally and he's behaving bizarrely.

I know you have said it several times. I am saying I disagree. I think the OP is the kind of person that goes over the top and can't handle people not liking her. Again, shown by the fact that man 1 asked not to be involved and she ignored his request as she is so desperate for an answer. Man 2 did not force her to do that. Most adults would not involve someone who has asked to be left out of it, purely because they are so desperate for an answer. It's quite selfish and needy behaviour.

That's my opinion. You seem very sure you are definitely right. The truth is, we don't know as we only have the OPs side.

[Twinklestein]

No, the problem is with the guy. OP's behaving perfectly normally and he's behaving bizarrely. Pretending she's not there, pretending to be asleep when he's not is not adult behaviour, particularly not when you're a house guest.

If she has an issue with him it's solely the result of his behaviour.

It's not about wanting to to be liked. She just wants to understand. And there's only an issue because DH wants him to be GF.

No doubt you are a good GP, but if you were ignoring SIL and generally behaving how this man does, I wouldn't say you were.

[HortonWho]

When you were a little girl and a boy hit you, did adults tell you it was because he likes you?

Because they lied.

[Enjolrass]

It's very clearly the guy with the problem not the OP, although I think she needs to stop making so much effort with him.

I disagree. The OP has shown she has the issue by texting a 3rd party who has already told her he doesn't want involved. That's rude, into. Because she is desperate to be liked.

My point about SIl was that a person doesn't have to get on with both parents to be a good GP, as both me and SIL have proved. It's doesn't matter who is right or wrong. We don't get on.

My earlier post stated exactly that.

I don't have low expectations, I just understand not everyone finds it to get on well with everyone else, all the time.

[Coco7841]

I think he secretly fancies you. I can be quiet around people that I find attractive, or people who I know fancy me. I've no idea why, but that's how it is!!

[Twinklestein]

'Angry'? Quoi?

If you actively ignored SIL in her own house she may not have okayed you as GP. If she ignores you that's a different matter.

Pretending someone is not there is ignoring them, to suggest otherwise is absurd. Closing your eyes is rude too.

It's very clearly the guy with the problem not the OP, although I think she needs to stop making so much effort with him.

Low expections of behaviour is not actually the same as being accepting.

[yakari]

Am I the only one imagine a complete shit storm as Man 1 messages DH and Man 2 saying "WTF???!!!"

[Enjolrass]

I think maybe some of us are more accepting of personalities and accept that some people aren't the chatty types with everyone

[Enjolrass]

I know what you asked. I don't ignore her but she ignores me. I am still a good GM and she is a good mum.

long silences and pretending i am not there'.

That's not if ignoring. She says he closes his eyes etc. She also said that he doesn't chat a bit if she speaks to him.

You seem very angry about this.

Personally I dont think there is an issue here with him. The OPs need to be liked is the issue.

[Twinklestein]

I don't go to her house. If she is at my mothers, when I am there. Yes she ignores me

I asked you if you ignore SIL not the other way round.

This man doesn't ignore the OP he just chooses not to chit chat. Nowhere has she said she speaks and he blanks her or is rude to her

Yes she has. She described: 'long silences and pretending i am not there'.

Pretending someone is not there is ignoring them, is blanking them.

That's fucking rude when you're a guest in someone's house, they're making meals and entertaining you. I may have higher expectations of social behaviour, but that's unacceptable by any standard.

OP also details that he: 'never wants to interact with me', 'won't make the effort to talk to me other than very very basic conversation' and says: 'i always feel uncomfortable and our conversation is minimal and uncomfortable'.

Making someone feel uncomfortable in their own home is rude. You can't go and stay in someone's house and avoid interacting with them.

Some posters seem to think that if he's not actually said anything offensive that's ok, but it's not, his behaviour is offensive.

Personally I think the OP has been too soft on her DH. Someone who behaves like that in my house is not coming back.

[Cabrinha]

I really want to know if Man1 replied, and what Husband thinks about Man1 being texted!

[Enjolrass]

Do you ignore SIL when you go to her house?

I don't go to her house. If she is at my mothers, when I am there. Yes she ignores me.

This man doesn't ignore the OP he just chooses not to chit chat. Nowhere has she said she speaks and he blanks her or is rude to her.

He just would rather be quite. Lots of people are like that.

[HortonWho]

I'm really embarrassed for you too. I don't think Man2 likes you, but he is polite to you as you are his friend's wife. From what you wrote, I don't think you particularly like Man2 either. I have no idea why you are getting him or Man1 involved in all this.

It's a compromise between you and your husband.
Husband: I want him to be the godfather.
Wife: I don't because we don't like each other.

What the hell is the point of getting others involved in your private decision?

[springydaffs]

What do you think God has to say about this?

[BeenAndGone]

I'm in a similar situation with DH's two BF's. One I get along with fabulously and he's just as much my friend as DH's. The other I have F all in common with and zero to talk about. I've struggled hugely to keep a conversation going with him over the last ten years. I would probably avoid him/pretend to be asleep if I could.

I just put it down to different personalities. Some people don't click and we don't but DH is close to him, so that's all that matters. They go away together, hang out and he's always invite to our stuff, was best man at our wedding etc.

DH wanted him as GF to DS which was fine with me. It's his choice and he's a BF2 good person, we just have nothing in common. That's just the way things are sometimes. He doesn't fancy me either btw, he's married to a woman who I equally struggle to talk to but is every nice and interesting.