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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silent treatment- how to deal with it.

57 replies

NightSkyBlue · 15/11/2015 22:34

Had an argument with DH on Friday. He hasn't spoken to me properly since. It's been on my mind since. I can't eat. I feel so sad and can't get on with the day like normal with this hanging over my head. It's all so draining. my whole weekend has been ruined with this.

I've asked him to talk about it several times and suggested this evening after kids go to bed.

When they were in bed he said he didn't want to talk because he thinks that I'm going to be irrational?! I said I will be fine and could we talk please. He said tomorrow morning which he knows isnt a good time as I am very busy on Mondays with college etc. I don't think we will talk then either.

Does anyone else have experience with silent treatment and dragging things on unnecessarily. I find it so draining. I'm so tired mentally. I can't cope.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/11/2015 08:47

I dealt with it by packing my bags and leaving.
No way was I putting up with that shit.
As grown adults we have the ability and vocabulary to be able to discuss things.
For my ex, he had learnt it from his mother.
We did resolve it as he didn't realise that the behaviour was NOT OK.
He almost did it once more and I just told him I'd be off unless he sorted it out.
We had a good relationship for nearly 15 years after that.
People can sort it out but he absolutely has to take responsibility that this is abusive behaviour and HE needs to sort it out.
Not you. You can't solve this, HE has to.

expatinscotland · 16/11/2015 08:48

What Jux said.

Skiptonlass · 16/11/2015 09:53

Urgh. Sulking is the worst.

It's abusive for a few reasons.

It disrupts the power balance - you argue but instead of either of you or both of you acknowledging why it happened or apologising/working through the issue, he's now making sure he's a.) immune from further criticism b.) let off any discussion c.) manipulating your behaviour so that you do not challenge him again.

It is abuse, sorry. I know a couple of people if parents used to do this to them and it's really messed them up. Think about it - the sulker withdraws love from the child in response to a challenge.this leads to the child being unable to push against parental boundaries (essential) and learning that they must always modify their own behaviour or face abandonment. Terrifying for a child, no?

The only way to deal with it is to refuse to engage. Be blunt. Tell him

"When you give me the silent treatment, you're refusing to work through why we argue. Instead of one or both of us apologising, you're turning the issue back in me do that I have to apologise. This is controlling behaviour and it's it acceptable. I understand you've learned this from your parents but it stops here and now. Everyone argues, but next time we will discuss it and move in. I will not let you manipulated the situation like this."

Then disengage. If he refuses to change his behaviour, j think you're going to have to have shard look at whether you want your kids to grow up with this.

Think about what it says - you don't say no to a man because you fear his reaction.

Skiptonlass · 16/11/2015 09:54

Urgh. Typos. Sorry

recyclingbag · 16/11/2015 09:59

My husband used to do this.

I stopped engaging. bright & breezy is the key. Pretend you haven't noticed he has stopped speaking.

He may snap out of it, he may not. Then you have to decide whether to put up with it or not.

DoreenLethal · 16/11/2015 10:05

It's how to deal with it, is the main thing. I find it quite overwhelming and stressful

Course you do - that's the point of it.

Did you think you married someone who actually planned to make you feel overwhelmed and stressful? No - so in order to not feel like that you end up just doing what he wants to avoid feeling like that. End result is that he gets what he wants and you avoid going against him in future to avoid feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

Win-win - for him.

Murdock · 16/11/2015 10:11

DW is a huge fan of the silent treatment - I think it's an extremely cowardly way to deal with conflict, and by shutting down an argument it shows that you have no interest in or respect for the other person's point-of-view.

It also shows that the person sulking isn't interested in resolving issues or problems - they just want other people to compromise so as to maintain their power within the relationship.

exresearcher · 16/11/2015 10:14

Tell him if he wants to sulk he can do it on his own.

How many years of your life do you want to waste putting up with him?

Lozza1990 · 16/11/2015 10:14

What you have to do is not let it affect you, which is really hard I know. I wouldn't necessarily call it 'abuse' but either way he is doing it because he knows that it upsets you. You completely ignore it and get on with your life, not letting it affect you and just let him know you're there when he wants to talk.

OnTheEdgeToday · 16/11/2015 10:19

I personally believe it is abuse. It has just been minimised by the amount of people who jokingly say "i couldnt speak to him/her for hours afterwards"
It doesnt matter what somebody does, or how they do it. Ignoring them or refusing to speak is just pathetically shallow, and a deliberate attempt of making them suffer.
Fair enough a response of "wow. I am so angry i cant talk right now. I need to cool off for 5-10 minutes"
But to ignore for days to a week is beyond any childish, huffy behaviour. It is deliberate. Therefore, abusive.

donajimena · 16/11/2015 10:31

I also think its to show you what will happen if you challenge someone. Eventually you don't dare disagree with them because you know you'll get the silent treatment. Keeps you in 'your place' which is beneath them.

Original poster
NightSkyBlue · 16/11/2015 10:43

Thank you everyone for your replies.
It's made me think really long and hard about my relationship.

Doreen what you say about avoiding future disagreements with him ring true. I hadn't really realised it but I do avoid doing/ saying anything which would annoy/ piss him off as this would cause him to become "moody" and then not speak to me properly. So to avoid this I do find myself not bringing up certain issues/ doing things a certain way/ not disclosing certain things as to avoid provoking this "moodiness".

This has meant that issues that really niggle me and things I want to resolve I avoid dealing with which then makes me feel really out of control and it festers inside of me for years until I blow my top at him and then it turns into a huge argument.

I thought it was a weakness in myself that I don't like confrontation that is why I avoid dealing with things.

I'm so confused right now. It's almost like I'm seeing my relationship in a different light.

OP posts:
OnTheEdgeToday · 16/11/2015 10:45

I also thought it was me when i was dealing with what you describe. Once i opened my eyes i could see it for how it really was.

Original poster
NightSkyBlue · 16/11/2015 10:54

My behaviour of avoiding conflict has become so automatic that I don't even realise that km doing it.

Just the other day actually, when we went shopping. DH stayed in the car and I went in to grab a few things. It took a lot longer than I expected as I couldn't find half the things on my lots as it wasn't my usual store etc. I found myself rushing around trying to do the shopping quickly thinking if I took too long then this would piss him of and then he would be moody with me the rest of the afternoon. This has happened in in the past although to my surprise, he was OK.

I shouldn't have to do that, should I? Hmm

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/11/2015 11:00

No you shouldn't have to do that.
What do you intend to do to tackle this?

Destinysdaughter · 16/11/2015 11:11

It's called stonewalling and is one of the predictors of divorce here's a good article about it.

psychcentral.com/lib/stonewalling-in-couples-when-you-or-your-partner-shuts-down/

amarmai · 16/11/2015 16:33

that's the great thing about MN . It lets you see your sit thru other's eyes. It's not an accident that he chose the am you needed to go to college to TALK! Who the f does he think he is? Get rid of this little bossyboy.

Hissy · 16/11/2015 17:18

Your "issue avoidance" behaviour will get wider and wider, you are aware of this right?

If you don't shut this right down, right now it will escalate and you will be stuck slap bang in a manipulative and full blown abusoveabusive relationship.

How long have you been together? In total and married?

DoreenLethal · 16/11/2015 17:37

Just the other day actually, when we went shopping. DH stayed in the car and I went in to grab a few things

How was it 'we' shopping when he stays in the car? Surely it would have been quicker to go in together and get the stuff together and come out together? If you were in a rush, you get some, he gets some and you meet by the tills?

PeteAndManu · 16/11/2015 17:59

I'm like RNBrie, I used to use sulking as a punishment although I didn't go to the extremes that OPs DH does. I stopped when DH explained how it made him feel and how unfair it was. He was right, we now have more direct disagreements and it is much more productive and pleasant way to conduct things. However from my experience and seeing others, including my mother use it, it is about punishment, getting your own way and power. My mother can keep it up for weeks and it makes me feel shit. You could try talking to him, it worked for us but I made the decision to change and I keep checking my behaviour and try to prevent a relapse.

Original poster
NightSkyBlue · 16/11/2015 23:02

Well we had a chat today. A very long chat

We talked about the initial issue of the argument and that was dealt with. I then raised the whole silent treatment thing and explained how it makes me feel etc.
He apologised and agreed that he does do this and admitted that its wrong. He totally got how it made me feel and we both agreed that this was not the way to deal with arguments in future.

We agreed that if the other person was too upset/ angry to talk then we would have 20mins to cool off or discuss it later but in the meantime we would speak to each other normally.

He really does want to change and has said he will make a conscious effort to change his behaviour.

We talked about emotional intelligence and maybe that's what we need to work on together in the relationship.

Can anyone suggest any books etc that would be helpful?

Thank you for everyones comments. It has been a looong weekend...

OP posts:
curiousc88t · 16/11/2015 23:48

In the future how long do you put up with the silence ???

Hours

Days

Weeks

Months

Be wary if the silient treatment occurs in the future it is not normal

Anomaly · 17/11/2015 00:02

I suggest you get lundy Bancroft's book Why does he do that? I think you'll find it an interesting read.

DoreenLethal · 17/11/2015 07:33

He really does want to change and has said he will make a conscious effort to change his behaviour

Making an effort? Nah love. He needs to stop doing this or you need to end the relationship.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Costacoffeeplease · 17/11/2015 07:37

How long do you think he'll be able to keep making a 'conscious effort'? A month, six months, a year? A lifetime is a long time to make an effort