Silent treatment- how to deal with it.

[NightSkyBlue]

Had an argument with DH on Friday. He hasn't spoken to me properly since. It's been on my mind since. I can't eat. I feel so sad and can't get on with the day like normal with this hanging over my head. It's all so draining. my whole weekend has been ruined with this.

I've asked him to talk about it several times and suggested this evening after kids go to bed.

When they were in bed he said he didn't want to talk because he thinks that I'm going to be irrational?! I said I will be fine and could we talk please. He said tomorrow morning which he knows isnt a good time as I am very busy on Mondays with college etc. I don't think we will talk then either.

Does anyone else have experience with silent treatment and dragging things on unnecessarily. I find it so draining. I'm so tired mentally. I can't cope.

[BitOutOfPractice]

He'll make an effort will he? That's big of him!

Did you tell him that what he was doing is abusive? Did you use that word...abuse? And if you did, what was his reaction?

[SirChenjin]

My dad did this. We lived with the silent treatments for years (3 weeks was the longest he didn't speak to me for leaving a glass undried on the draining rack) and even after Dsis and I left home my mum continued to live with it. We used to tell her to leave him, but she just said that she left him to it and got on with her life. That was fine for her, but I cannot begin to tell you how awful it was as a child, not knowing if he was going to be in one of his silences, how anxious it made me, and how I used to worry time and time again that I'd done something to make it go into a silence - because the whole house suffered. Even now, I get very upset by what I see as confrontation, hate atmospheres and try to please people far too much in order to keep the peace. It's pathetic really.

Unless he gets help (Dad has bipolar disorder but refuses treatment, might be something similar?) then I would really, seriously think about leaving him. It is abuse, as others have said, and it has a massive, long term effect on the children. It will drag you down, and life is just too short.

[DamnCommandments]

NightSkyBlue I'm glad you talked to him. I think if he learned this behaviour as a child at home he can unlearn it as an adult. My DH used to do this - and we've been together since we were children, so I know he learned it at his mother's knee. He stopped (for good, so far) 6 years ago, when our eldest was a baby. I told him I couldn't live with it and then I ignored the sulking if it started but reminded him that it wasn't OK to be sulking. It took a year for me to be sure that he'd got it under control, though - but in such a long relationship I was willing to wait a little. I know the sulking is awful, punishing behaviour, and you shouldn't live with it - but it doesn't always spell the end. and good luck, whatever happens.

[Seeyounearertime]

My First proper GF was the queen of the silent treatment.
Everything we ever disagreed about would be met with silence or the old 'monosyllabic answers'
It got so bad that I just have her what she wanted so as to avoid the silence. She may as well have taken my testicles and put them in her purse. I felt trodden, depressed and pointless tbh. Eventually we split (Yay!) Unfortunately my next GF did it too only she added in slamming doors, tidying things that didn't need tidying etc. Again I started to cave before the silence and slamming started. We ended up married and I ended up buying a house I didn't really want to buy. I said no at first, followed by the silence. Eventually I caved and ended up £100k in debt to avoid the silence.
It actually got to the point that I just believed it to be normal, I figured all women were like it and I may as well just put up with it. But turns out she was having an affair and we divorced.

My current GF doesn't do silent treatment, doesn't do slamming, doesn't do moody arsey BS. If she has a problem she talks. Life is much better.

Don't fall into the trap OP, its not normal, its not just how men behave, its not something you have to put up with.

[hellsbellsmelons]

That does sound promising OP.
Let's hope he can follow through with it.
Good luck.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

He is willing to put in effort to change. That's great.

So why are you looking for the book for him?

I know it's easier to try to solve his problems instead of dealing with your own but that way lies failure. He has to deal with his issues and you have to deal with yours.

You've got to focus on your own issues around why you tolerated this behaviour and how you'll make yourself respond more appropriately in future. You need to read up about codependency and maybe try the Lundy Bancroft book. That should keep you plenty busy. You don't have time to do his leg work too.

[Elendon]

My parents used to silent treat each other - always instigated by my father, mum took the stance to ignore it and carry on breezily. In the end I replied to the "Ask your mother....'', "go ask her yourself, I'm not the messenger." I was about 12 at the time.

I always wanted my mum to leave him.