Silent treatment- how to deal with it.

[NightSkyBlue]

Had an argument with DH on Friday. He hasn't spoken to me properly since. It's been on my mind since. I can't eat. I feel so sad and can't get on with the day like normal with this hanging over my head. It's all so draining. my whole weekend has been ruined with this.

I've asked him to talk about it several times and suggested this evening after kids go to bed.

When they were in bed he said he didn't want to talk because he thinks that I'm going to be irrational?! I said I will be fine and could we talk please. He said tomorrow morning which he knows isnt a good time as I am very busy on Mondays with college etc. I don't think we will talk then either.

Does anyone else have experience with silent treatment and dragging things on unnecessarily. I find it so draining. I'm so tired mentally. I can't cope.

[Elendon]

My parents used to silent treat each other - always instigated by my father, mum took the stance to ignore it and carry on breezily. In the end I replied to the "Ask your mother....'', "go ask her yourself, I'm not the messenger." I was about 12 at the time.

I always wanted my mum to leave him.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

He is willing to put in effort to change. That's great.

So why are you looking for the book for him?

I know it's easier to try to solve his problems instead of dealing with your own but that way lies failure. He has to deal with his issues and you have to deal with yours.

You've got to focus on your own issues around why you tolerated this behaviour and how you'll make yourself respond more appropriately in future. You need to read up about codependency and maybe try the Lundy Bancroft book. That should keep you plenty busy. You don't have time to do his leg work too.

[hellsbellsmelons]

That does sound promising OP.
Let's hope he can follow through with it.
Good luck.

[Seeyounearertime]

My First proper GF was the queen of the silent treatment.
Everything we ever disagreed about would be met with silence or the old 'monosyllabic answers'
It got so bad that I just have her what she wanted so as to avoid the silence. She may as well have taken my testicles and put them in her purse. I felt trodden, depressed and pointless tbh. Eventually we split (Yay!) Unfortunately my next GF did it too only she added in slamming doors, tidying things that didn't need tidying etc. Again I started to cave before the silence and slamming started. We ended up married and I ended up buying a house I didn't really want to buy. I said no at first, followed by the silence. Eventually I caved and ended up £100k in debt to avoid the silence.
It actually got to the point that I just believed it to be normal, I figured all women were like it and I may as well just put up with it. But turns out she was having an affair and we divorced.

My current GF doesn't do silent treatment, doesn't do slamming, doesn't do moody arsey BS. If she has a problem she talks. Life is much better.

Don't fall into the trap OP, its not normal, its not just how men behave, its not something you have to put up with.

[DamnCommandments]

NightSkyBlue I'm glad you talked to him. I think if he learned this behaviour as a child at home he can unlearn it as an adult. My DH used to do this - and we've been together since we were children, so I know he learned it at his mother's knee. He stopped (for good, so far) 6 years ago, when our eldest was a baby. I told him I couldn't live with it and then I ignored the sulking if it started but reminded him that it wasn't OK to be sulking. It took a year for me to be sure that he'd got it under control, though - but in such a long relationship I was willing to wait a little. I know the sulking is awful, punishing behaviour, and you shouldn't live with it - but it doesn't always spell the end. and good luck, whatever happens.

[SirChenjin]

My dad did this. We lived with the silent treatments for years (3 weeks was the longest he didn't speak to me for leaving a glass undried on the draining rack) and even after Dsis and I left home my mum continued to live with it. We used to tell her to leave him, but she just said that she left him to it and got on with her life. That was fine for her, but I cannot begin to tell you how awful it was as a child, not knowing if he was going to be in one of his silences, how anxious it made me, and how I used to worry time and time again that I'd done something to make it go into a silence - because the whole house suffered. Even now, I get very upset by what I see as confrontation, hate atmospheres and try to please people far too much in order to keep the peace. It's pathetic really.

Unless he gets help (Dad has bipolar disorder but refuses treatment, might be something similar?) then I would really, seriously think about leaving him. It is abuse, as others have said, and it has a massive, long term effect on the children. It will drag you down, and life is just too short.

[BitOutOfPractice]

He'll make an effort will he? That's big of him!

Did you tell him that what he was doing is abusive? Did you use that word...abuse? And if you did, what was his reaction?

[Costacoffeeplease]

How long do you think he'll be able to keep making a 'conscious effort'? A month, six months, a year? A lifetime is a long time to make an effort

[DoreenLethal]

He really does want to change and has said he will make a conscious effort to change his behaviour

Making an effort? Nah love. He needs to stop doing this or you need to end the relationship.

Do or do not. There is no try.

[Anomaly]

I suggest you get lundy Bancroft's book Why does he do that? I think you'll find it an interesting read.

[curiousc88t]

In the future how long do you put up with the silence ???

Hours

Days

Weeks

Months

Be wary if the silient treatment occurs in the future it is not normal

[NightSkyBlue]

Well we had a chat today. A very long chat

We talked about the initial issue of the argument and that was dealt with. I then raised the whole silent treatment thing and explained how it makes me feel etc.
He apologised and agreed that he does do this and admitted that its wrong. He totally got how it made me feel and we both agreed that this was not the way to deal with arguments in future.

We agreed that if the other person was too upset/ angry to talk then we would have 20mins to cool off or discuss it later but in the meantime we would speak to each other normally.

He really does want to change and has said he will make a conscious effort to change his behaviour.

We talked about emotional intelligence and maybe that's what we need to work on together in the relationship.

Can anyone suggest any books etc that would be helpful?

Thank you for everyones comments. It has been a looong weekend...

[PeteAndManu]

I'm like RNBrie, I used to use sulking as a punishment although I didn't go to the extremes that OPs DH does. I stopped when DH explained how it made him feel and how unfair it was. He was right, we now have more direct disagreements and it is much more productive and pleasant way to conduct things. However from my experience and seeing others, including my mother use it, it is about punishment, getting your own way and power. My mother can keep it up for weeks and it makes me feel shit. You could try talking to him, it worked for us but I made the decision to change and I keep checking my behaviour and try to prevent a relapse.

[DoreenLethal]

Just the other day actually, when we went shopping. DH stayed in the car and I went in to grab a few things

How was it 'we' shopping when he stays in the car? Surely it would have been quicker to go in together and get the stuff together and come out together? If you were in a rush, you get some, he gets some and you meet by the tills?

[Hissy]

Your "issue avoidance" behaviour will get wider and wider, you are aware of this right?

If you don't shut this right down, right now it will escalate and you will be stuck slap bang in a manipulative and full blown abusoveabusive relationship.

How long have you been together? In total and married?

[amarmai]

that's the great thing about MN . It lets you see your sit thru other's eyes. It's not an accident that he chose the am you needed to go to college to TALK! Who the f does he think he is? Get rid of this little bossyboy.

[Destinysdaughter]

It's called stonewalling and is one of the predictors of divorce here's a good article about it.

psychcentral.com/lib/stonewalling-in-couples-when-you-or-your-partner-shuts-down/

[hellsbellsmelons]

No you shouldn't have to do that.
What do you intend to do to tackle this?

[NightSkyBlue]

My behaviour of avoiding conflict has become so automatic that I don't even realise that km doing it.

Just the other day actually, when we went shopping. DH stayed in the car and I went in to grab a few things. It took a lot longer than I expected as I couldn't find half the things on my lots as it wasn't my usual store etc. I found myself rushing around trying to do the shopping quickly thinking if I took too long then this would piss him of and then he would be moody with me the rest of the afternoon. This has happened in in the past although to my surprise, he was OK.

I shouldn't have to do that, should I?

[OnTheEdgeToday]

I also thought it was me when i was dealing with what you describe. Once i opened my eyes i could see it for how it really was.

[NightSkyBlue]

Thank you everyone for your replies.
It's made me think really long and hard about my relationship.

Doreen what you say about avoiding future disagreements with him ring true. I hadn't really realised it but I do avoid doing/ saying anything which would annoy/ piss him off as this would cause him to become "moody" and then not speak to me properly. So to avoid this I do find myself not bringing up certain issues/ doing things a certain way/ not disclosing certain things as to avoid provoking this "moodiness".

This has meant that issues that really niggle me and things I want to resolve I avoid dealing with which then makes me feel really out of control and it festers inside of me for years until I blow my top at him and then it turns into a huge argument.

I thought it was a weakness in myself that I don't like confrontation that is why I avoid dealing with things.

I'm so confused right now. It's almost like I'm seeing my relationship in a different light.

[donajimena]

I also think its to show you what will happen if you challenge someone. Eventually you don't dare disagree with them because you know you'll get the silent treatment. Keeps you in 'your place' which is beneath them.

[OnTheEdgeToday]

I personally believe it is abuse. It has just been minimised by the amount of people who jokingly say "i couldnt speak to him/her for hours afterwards"
It doesnt matter what somebody does, or how they do it. Ignoring them or refusing to speak is just pathetically shallow, and a deliberate attempt of making them suffer.
Fair enough a response of "wow. I am so angry i cant talk right now. I need to cool off for 5-10 minutes"
But to ignore for days to a week is beyond any childish, huffy behaviour. It is deliberate. Therefore, abusive.

[Lozza1990]

What you have to do is not let it affect you, which is really hard I know. I wouldn't necessarily call it 'abuse' but either way he is doing it because he knows that it upsets you. You completely ignore it and get on with your life, not letting it affect you and just let him know you're there when he wants to talk.

[exresearcher]

Tell him if he wants to sulk he can do it on his own.

How many years of your life do you want to waste putting up with him?