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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help - monopoly-playing ex is sleeping in his car. What do I do?

97 replies

thinkingmakesitso · 13/11/2015 16:48

He has taken the dc to his parent's tonight and I strapped ds in while ex went to the loo. There was a thick blanket and a towel on the back seat. Yesterday I realised that he had come here in the day despite my arranging my own child care. Now I know why.

I was too shocked to say anything, but my first instinct is to send him a text saying 'if you are sleeping in your car you had better stay here' but I'm scared if he moves back in he will never leave, or will be seen as primary carer again and I will be the one leaving.

FFS - what do I do? I can't have the dc's father sleeping out in winter, but I am so angry with him for letting this happen. If I do let him back, I will keep paying for childcare despite him being here- will that be enough to prevent his being seen as main carer?

I am reeling - was actually looking forward to some head space this weekend and now it's going to be stomach-churning anxiety all the way.

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 13/11/2015 20:11

There's only one arse on this thread and it has nothing to do with AF.

Seriously you own him nothing. And if he really cared about his DC's he would have kept his dick in his pants.

You deserve so much better x

mix56 · 13/11/2015 20:20

You feel sorry for him.......it's what he's waiting for....
DO. NOT. FALL. FOR. IT.

Joysmum · 13/11/2015 20:26

This is about realising what you want now is not compatible with what you want most. Give in the short term relief and long term you'll find it so much harder.

FrancesNiadova · 13/11/2015 20:30

Monopoly-playing exH in the car? Give him the boot! Make sure that he passes Go too, far away from you! (He sounds EA & trying to mess with your head to me).
Let's hope that he doesn't get a £50 parking fine!

RandomMess · 13/11/2015 20:31

You have proved that you can provide childcare for the DC there is absolutely NOTHING stopping him living at his parents.

He could have the DC alternate weekends Friday after school until Monday morning and alternate Wednesdays take them out after school for several hours and drop them off for bed time.

He is having to live with the consequences of his actions. He has choices and options - he has chosen to not look for work, his problem, not yours.

cestlavielife · 13/11/2015 20:32

He can sleep where he likes

If the dc come back saying they had to sleep In the car with h him you stop contact.

If dc staying at grandparents it really is no business of yours where ex chooses to sleep. Your dc are your dc .
Your ex is not your dc

amarmai · 13/11/2015 20:46

why is 1 pp pushing op into this trap? This is not an MN response at all.

amarmai · 13/11/2015 21:02

op it seems that you have been falling for this man's tricks and lies for as long as you have known him. Do you want to model this weak behaviour for your cc to copy? Has it helped you in your life? Will it help them in theirs? Or they may choose to model themselves on your p=they become the predator instead of the victim. Neither of these is a healthy choice. Has you eldest already chosen to model himself on his f? Is that why he is pushing you to let him back in? Is his father in touch with him orchestrating this attack on your chance for a better life? It appears you are a teacher ,in which case you are a role model for other people's cc also. Fake it till you make it,op. Pretend to be stronger than you are and you will become stronger.Also change the locks on your doors and do not allow him access for anything.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/11/2015 21:07

You shouldn't be letting him change arrangements at the last minute.

Changing where the children will sleep tonight in the afternoon/evening is destabilising for them. Don't do that to them. They need stability and reliability in the midst of all this change. They come first. Not him.

cestlavielife · 13/11/2015 22:49

Oh and don't let him use your toilet.
My exp used to do that ask to use the toilet... it's excuse to come in and mark territory.
.

Plomino · 13/11/2015 23:12

Oh please . He's put a strategically placed blanket and pillow there for you to see , feel bad about , and let him stay 'only for a night or two while it's cold ' . Which becomes a week, then a month , and before you know it , you're back at square one . If he's really sleeping out , then best he warms himself up by shifting his ass to sort it out. But he won't be .

mix56 · 14/11/2015 08:37

& make sure he is not coming into your house, when you are out in the daytime for shower, TV, internet etc

Penfold007 · 14/11/2015 08:56

OP you really need to mind your own business. Where he sleeps is not your problem.
Don't allow him access to your home and formalise access. Hope your pursuing child maintenance.

HustleRussell · 14/11/2015 09:10

What car is it?

HustleRussell · 14/11/2015 09:11

Using a toilet to mark territory...does he piss out of the bowl?!

VocationalGoat · 14/11/2015 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 14/11/2015 09:30

Unrelated but I've always had an odd idea that I'd quite like to live in a van, or a large car. Of course I wouldn't really but there's a sense of adventure about it isn't there.

Op, this guy is a cheating scumbag. He's literally made his bed, as an adult he can bloody well lie in it. Nobody with living, normal parents needs to sleep anywhere except a warm bed when crisis strikes.

Let him sort himself out. Mountain Warehouse sell all sorts of cosy sleeping bags, he'll be fine.

Original poster

thinkingmakesitso · 14/11/2015 09:31

VocationalGoat Please don't apologise - it wasn't poorly received at all, I just wanted to assure everyone that I had no intention of shagging him as there were quite a few posts at that time saying I wasn't listening etc! Your second paragraph this morning is spot on - I do think that's what he's doing and I have no intention of letting him. I wobbled when I realised he is probably sleeping in his car but MN has got me back on track.

I am so grateful for all the support I have had on each thread I have started since this happened last year, even if some of it has been hard to read at the time.

OP posts:

amarmai · 14/11/2015 13:22

mn is great for supporting women but since the break in we have noticed that there are occasional ps and prob more lurkers who are not here for the purpose of supporting women. Take strength from where you feel sure the p is on your side op. not where they are questioning and undermining you.

Noctilucent · 14/11/2015 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaspberryOverload · 14/11/2015 16:13

OP, I want to repeat what the other posters are saying, that he's not sleeping in his car, and if he was, it's nothing to do with you.

Don't fall for these games of his, and they are games. Just ignore it all, don't even mention it. You're trying to fix things that have nothing to do with you now. His living arrangements are not your responsibility, you really need to believe that.

RandomMess · 14/11/2015 18:07

Well done op for recognising how easily he mind f*cks you - please keep checking every time you waver.

There is no reason why he cannot live at his parents and manage to maintain a relationship with the dc so don't let yourself even consider that he is helpless and stranded and all the other cr*p he tries to drip feed you.

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