Help - monopoly-playing ex is sleeping in his car. What do I do?

[thinkingmakesitso]

He has taken the dc to his parent's tonight and I strapped ds in while ex went to the loo. There was a thick blanket and a towel on the back seat. Yesterday I realised that he had come here in the day despite my arranging my own child care. Now I know why.

I was too shocked to say anything, but my first instinct is to send him a text saying 'if you are sleeping in your car you had better stay here' but I'm scared if he moves back in he will never leave, or will be seen as primary carer again and I will be the one leaving.

FFS - what do I do? I can't have the dc's father sleeping out in winter, but I am so angry with him for letting this happen. If I do let him back, I will keep paying for childcare despite him being here- will that be enough to prevent his being seen as main carer?

I am reeling - was actually looking forward to some head space this weekend and now it's going to be stomach-churning anxiety all the way.

He's playing you like a fiddle.

It seems from the responses that you've had previous threads that show your ex as a charmer (in the most sarcastic sense of the word).

If so, I have a similar ex. And he could be sleeping in a cardboard box on the hard shoulder of the M6 and I'd leave him to it.

Not your circus, not your monkey.

I'm getting the impression OP is not listening........

One of the reasons I've been stuck in my marriage for donkey's years is worry & anticipated guilt over leaving exH to fester in an undomesticated slum of his own making.

Don't do it!!

Maybe him asking me to think about giving the marriage another go (I'm not) is part of this... I know you're all right but it just hurts me to think of the dc's dad living in a car. Feels like I'm letting them down.

If he has "slept" in his car for more than 5 minutes I will show my arse on the town hall steps

Have you listened to any advice you have been given ?

No every time, now he has moved out it would be difficult for him to show occupation rights even if he is the legal owner. That is why people advise not to move out on a split.

All that is an entirely separate area of the law anyway. It has no effect on homelessness if it would be unreasonable for you to live in a property you have rights over.

And he will get support to find his own property because as a single man he will not be a priority. Not because they do not accept him as homeless.

Don't invite him in. Harsh as it sounds, it's not your problem.

STOP IT NOW!!!

Don't not mention anything. Do not get involved in the slightest. You are separating your lives. The smallest thing you do stops that happening.

He's a grown up, he needs to take responsibility for himself. You already have taken far more than half what should have been your responsibility.

By rescuing you will continue to make him reliant on you. That's the exact opposite of what you and he need for yourselves From now on.

*rather than a home provided.

FGS I have both a blanket & a towel in the backseat of my car - yet I am not living in my car! And even if he is, that is NOT your problem.

I have a great arse

I'd like to show it off on the town hall steps

Not gonna happen, though

And an occupation order is normally to settle who has occupation rights out of the people who have an interest in the property.

Legal ownership doesn't always confer occupation rights. Especially if you intended to move out and then moved out. Not so easy to come back.

I am hearing you all. I won't say anything, I just mean it hurts me, because it does.

I really wish the dc were here. It was a tough day - I drove past the dc's old school this morning and saw the ow for the first time since finding out. obviously, I just drove past, but she looked just the same (ie great) and it really shook me, even though I rarely think of her anymore. Then I went to my first mediation session and when I got back to school a student made a flippant remark about why I was off in the morning, which stupidly got to me, then ex said he wanted the kids tonight instead of tomorrow (presumably because it means one less night sleeping in the car) and then I found the blanket etc. Now I am a bit of a blubbing mess.

I do get that it's not my problem though, and I really really don't want him here and most of all don't want to do anything to confuse/upset the dc.

I'm sure his mum and dad would be happy to have him back home. It happens.

Do not sway to this manipulative behaviour.

Thanks for all replies - they all help, but Offred thank you so much for all that helpful information you have posted - lots of stuff I didn't know and gives me hope that he doesn't have an automatic right to come back if he chooses.

And you don't want him to be the resident parent either.

Keep him out.

I don't understand why your ex is coming round to your house to do more than pick the dc up.
Have I missed something?
I presumed that once they had left or been kicked out, that was it.

I hear you OP, I really do.

But don't set a precedent. He will switch to another tactic when he realises this one isn't working.

What you do now will set the scene, so make it count.

How does he have access to your home and why, if you split up months ago, has he not found more permanent accommodation? He seems to be entertaining hopes of a reconciliation, don't encourage this by allowing him even a temporary stay.

Anyone else suspecting that piss was strategically timed so OP would put DC in the car and see the blanket and towel sitting sadly on the back seat?

So she'd ask, and he'd be all wounded and admit it, and blah blah blah but finishing with his feet back firmly under the table?

Isn't this the man who was having sex with the OW while the children were downstairs? If he is, just tell him to go and stay with her. It's not your problem.