feeling abandoned in foreign country by boyfriend

[millie85]

My boyfriend and I have been together for for a little over a year. We met when he was sent to the US when he was sent by his company to head up a project for year. We meet, feel in love and everything has been really great. He had to move back to London three months ago, and whilst we originally were going to the do the long distance thing until I could find work in London and move there, we both missed each other too much and my boyfriend encouraged me to move in with him now instead waiting to move. I arrived in London almost two weeks ago, and whilst I lived in the UK as a child (I have dual citizenship) my family and all of my friends are based in the US, so the only person I know here is my boyfriend. I am normally very independent, and I have been working hard to make new friends and find a new job in London. But the transition has been hard, I miss my friends and am finding it difficult to find a connection to this city.

The problem I am having is that my boyfriend doesn't seem to want to include me in his life here. Besides going on a couple long walks with me, my boyfriend hasn't done anything to show me around the city, he hasn't taken me for dinner or drinks, I've basically done nothing but be in his flat for the past week and half. This past weekend was my first weekend in the London and my boyfriend went out with friends both Saturday and Sunday night (staying out until 3 am both nights), he didn't invite me to come along and didn't seem to care that I would be left sitting around his flat all night whilst he went out and had a good time.

On Monday I explained to him that I felt really hurt that he hadn't invited me, I told him that I think its great that he has alone time with his friends but that I am feeling alone and would really appreciate it if he included me more (I have made plans to join a book club, I have signed up for cooking classes, etc so that I can make new friends and feel a connection to the city, but until then it would be nice for him to include me a little more and at least show me around). He seemed to understand, he gave me a hug and told me that he would definitely put me first and that he could't wait to introduce me to his friends here and show me around. But then tonight, he came home and announced that he was invited to go out by a friend and promptly left.

I am now sitting here completely livid. I felt like I had explained how I was feeling on Monday and how hard I am finding the adjustment. I don't understand how he could just leave me, knowing that I am alone all day and am desperate to get out and do something fun. I feel like if he really cared about me, he would want to include more in his life here.

Also, its important to point out that he was the one who really pushed me to move here now, I wanted to wait until I had time to find a job.

What does everyone think? Am I overreacting? If you were in my position what would you do?

thanks!

I would be too upset to enjoy London with this bad taste in my mouth if I were the OP. I would just leave, (even if I would have loved the adventure of living in London under different circumstances).

My initial reaction was get online book a ticket & leave today.
But as you have free accommodation, you might as well wait until either you get a job here or USA, & time to organise alternative accom. It might be a kick start to a wonderful adventure.
As for then jerk. there are 2 roads, but if you tell him to buck up or you are gone, then the free accom is lost.

Hi there.

I just wanted to let you know my own story a bit like this.

About 6 year ago now I also met a man. Also fell in love. He was very, very, very quick to tell me how much he loved me and he couldn't wait to show me off and declare love.

He proposed to me. He wanted to have babies. Get married and he asked me to relocate to live with him.

I did after about a year of dating long distance and he was amazing...he took a week off work to drive over and get me because I don't like flying (3 day drive each way!!!) and he arranged champagne and flowers in our hotel room en route, presents for me and when I got there to his house he said it was the happiest day of his life.

On a day to day basis he was so in love with me. Never wanted to go to work, always giving me present, always so affectionate and demonstative.

Trouble was he very very slowly continued his life as if I wasn't there. He continued the same clubs, same boys activities, same am dram group and a lot of the time I was left alone.

He also booked up his holiday on family thing or things for friends or ski trips with the boys and rarely had many days left for me. He also kept putting off having a baby, and while I did get a fat enagement ring, the wedding never happenned.

He introduced me to all his friends, yes, but he didn't invite them over to our place or take me out on nights with them. He always wanted it to be just us with a bottle of wine in front of the fire.

I don't think he was ashamed of me - he could not wait to show me off - but he was just quite a selfish person. It never occured to him that I needed a life of my own and that it would be good to give me chances to spend time with the other wives and girlfriends and maybe form a circle of my own.

On a day to day basis I could not have asked for a more loving partner. He always wanted me sexually, he alays listened to me, supported me, was romantic, was kind, was faithful and when we were together I was happy. But I was very lonely and could not seem to make a life that worked away from family and friends in a strage place with no job (could not work where he lived) and I started to lose my sparkle.

After 4 years like that I developed quite severe healthy. I would have obsessive thoughts about dying of cancer and was afraid to eat certain foods.

When I got sick he left me. He said it was drainign being with me. He left me in the place I'd moved to and send me a text to tell me it was over and to go home.

That was it.

He was a very selfish person.

sorry I developed severe health anxiety that should have read

Unless you get a life of your own this will never be an equal relationship.

What are you to him now? Free sex and housekeeping while he carries on with his own life.

I've seen it before, when strong independent women turn into weepy, needy shadows of themselves after following a whirlwind romance to the other country.

Make a choice right now: rise to the occasion or go home with your tail between your legs.
(Tough love from Auntie Major)

I disagree with people who say give it some time, he is obviously not the one for you - you both seem to want different things, and the things you want from the relationship he appears unwilling to give you.

If you leave and go home now, back to your friends and family, I bet you will have a great new job by christmas, and will be welcoming in 2016 feeling like you have had a lucky escape.

I can understand not wanting to go back home and admit things didn't work out so soon, but in the long run you will be glad and feel empowered that you left what sounds like a pretty toxic situation under your own terms.

Just ask yourself if a close friend was in the same situation as you, what would you suggest that they did?

I've seen it before, when strong independent women turn into weepy, needy shadows of themselves after following a whirlwind romance to the other country.

This happenned to me.

I really wish I'd seen the wood fr the trees at the time, but back then I loved him and knew he loved me so I adapted. Truth is sometimes people can "love" you in ways that don't grow you as a person and some "love" can take from you rather than give. It took me so long to understand that.

Don't "give it time". You are simply teaching him this is all right. Tell him today what you expect and want and give him a time limit to step up. If he doesn't....go home.

I turned into a weepy, needy, sick shadow of myself for love. Don't do the same!

What was your relationship like when you were in the US and were you living together? Did you do all the organising for trips out, and was he dependent on you more? The dynamic and your expectations of the relationship seem to have changed since moving to the UK.

I guess because the place has changed you may be expecting him to play host to you and you are no longer the self-reliant and independent person you were on home soil. It's not that normal to expect being taken out on a date if you live together IMHO.

Start being more independent and proactive. Explore your local area and enjoy the city on your own. Even if the relationship does not last, at least you'll experience an extended stay in a fascinating city. Find an employment agency that specialises in short-term employment.

You've only been there two weeks, so I feel its a bit early to write off both a relationship and a city/country.

I wonder if he is subconsciously pushing you away because you seem so needy? Its a big change for him too and he had a life before he met you, one which doesn't necessarily stop when you arrived. Have you suggested something to him for this weekend during the day, such as visiting I don't know, Richmond Park or something?

I'm surprised you moved to another country without a job or means to support yourself. Presumably you relying on savings just now or does he give you money (if that's not too personal a question). But why not have waited for a bit and found a job, or at least registered with some agencies, researched the market, the city and had planned what you would do there to integrate? I say this as someone who has twice moved abroad, alone, to foreign countries (with a foreign language) and had few of the problems you are describing. The key was to get out there and do things. I joined clubs and societies, had a job, had hobbies and interests. I was so keen to explore my new place, even on foot, so I simply cannot fathom anyone who says I've basically done nothing but be in his flat for the past week and half.. Why don't you go out for walks, explore the many parks in London, get the Tube, go for a look round the shop, browse some museums and galleries, get a bike, go out cycling, etc., etc.? Don't you go the gym? Have you found the best local one for you yet?

You say you have signed up for a cooking class and joined a book club. Are you of retirement age? If not, maybe consider doing something a little more active as well.