feeling abandoned in foreign country by boyfriend

[millie85]

My boyfriend and I have been together for for a little over a year. We met when he was sent to the US when he was sent by his company to head up a project for year. We meet, feel in love and everything has been really great. He had to move back to London three months ago, and whilst we originally were going to the do the long distance thing until I could find work in London and move there, we both missed each other too much and my boyfriend encouraged me to move in with him now instead waiting to move. I arrived in London almost two weeks ago, and whilst I lived in the UK as a child (I have dual citizenship) my family and all of my friends are based in the US, so the only person I know here is my boyfriend. I am normally very independent, and I have been working hard to make new friends and find a new job in London. But the transition has been hard, I miss my friends and am finding it difficult to find a connection to this city.

The problem I am having is that my boyfriend doesn't seem to want to include me in his life here. Besides going on a couple long walks with me, my boyfriend hasn't done anything to show me around the city, he hasn't taken me for dinner or drinks, I've basically done nothing but be in his flat for the past week and half. This past weekend was my first weekend in the London and my boyfriend went out with friends both Saturday and Sunday night (staying out until 3 am both nights), he didn't invite me to come along and didn't seem to care that I would be left sitting around his flat all night whilst he went out and had a good time.

On Monday I explained to him that I felt really hurt that he hadn't invited me, I told him that I think its great that he has alone time with his friends but that I am feeling alone and would really appreciate it if he included me more (I have made plans to join a book club, I have signed up for cooking classes, etc so that I can make new friends and feel a connection to the city, but until then it would be nice for him to include me a little more and at least show me around). He seemed to understand, he gave me a hug and told me that he would definitely put me first and that he could't wait to introduce me to his friends here and show me around. But then tonight, he came home and announced that he was invited to go out by a friend and promptly left.

I am now sitting here completely livid. I felt like I had explained how I was feeling on Monday and how hard I am finding the adjustment. I don't understand how he could just leave me, knowing that I am alone all day and am desperate to get out and do something fun. I feel like if he really cared about me, he would want to include more in his life here.

Also, its important to point out that he was the one who really pushed me to move here now, I wanted to wait until I had time to find a job.

What does everyone think? Am I overreacting? If you were in my position what would you do?

thanks!

I agree he has 'changed his mind' but the OP is in a particularly strong position having dual nationality. So. She could just book the next plane back or she could sit it out for a while (in the UK, not necessarily his flat) and see how she likes it. No shame in hopping on the next plane btw I just think she might end up having a more positive experience 'on the whole' if she sticks around a while. He is an unspeakable arse.

Unbelievably rude. If I had a casual friend staying I would not dream of leaving them at home while I went out.

You should certainly leave him to it, he sounds incredibly immature. Whether you stay in London or go home is obviously a different matter but don't stay with this selfish fellow. Take it from that point!

"In the meantime I can set a date (maybe 1 January) and if things aren't better by then, I can move back (whilst taking all the chocolate!)".

Ah, the sunken costs fallacy rears its ugly head yet again.

Forget 1st Jan, you need to move out now and break the relationship completely off. He's got cold feet, is too cowardly to break this off now and you are his unpaid housekeeper. Cut your own losses and return to the US. Bringing the chocolate back is a fab idea of yours though!.

Did you read up on the "sunken costs fallacy"?. If not, you need to do so now and read the baggage reclaim website too. Do not stay with this man a second longer than you need to. He will continue to treat you with disdain.

Horrible man. I'm an old married lady and my husband would never treat me like this. He is not a keeper, he isn't even someone worth 'dating'. I would pack up and go home now, you've got more chance of picking up your career/old life if there isn't a big gap, plus you could really do with support from family/friends. There is no shame in knowing when to quit, the shame is his for treating anyone so shoddily, never mind his girlfriend.

Sorry he is treating you so craply, by putting you in a position where you have to beg for his company.

He sounds an absolute wanker, so selfish

He just doesn't really care that much about you

I'd be livid and plotting my exit strategy

I seen situations like this before (I used to work away).

Common story - guy goes away, meets girl (emotional crutch, time filler, sex supplier- you fill in the epithet). Because of the remote situation, the guy becomes "involved" in the new relationship (hence why he invited you to the UK).

Then when he gets home, and he realises he doesn't need an emotional crutch, time filler, sex supplier.

In a normal relationship, he should be proudly showing off his GF to the world. Taking you to meet his friends, trying to impress you about your new home etc etc. Basically "bigging up" your new home and making things easier for you to integrate. The quicker you integrate, should be better for him.

He is doing none of this....Why?

Its up to you, cut your loses and run or talk to him (and lay down ground rules). Personally the fact he doesn't want to take you out, isn't helping you integrate, isn't investing his time to make things easier for you. Says it all for me (sadly).

That's not on.

Go home, he's not for you - or anyone, by the sounds of it.

It depends what's best for you, Millie. If you work in a field where even a small gap in your resume would look odd, you might consider staying in London and getting a job for whatever period you want to be here. It might even be an advantage to have had experience abroad, when you do return to the States.

If you do decide to stay in London for a while, and can bear staying with him until you make other living arrangements, I see nothing wrong with that. He's the one who invited you to move to London, he can damn well give you a home while you need it, even if the relationship breaks down through, let's not forget, his fault.

As I say, what matters now is what is best for you.

I agree with the others, OP...I think he's having second thoughts but too much of a coward (and lacking respect!) to tell you.

Run, don't walk, to the airport.

Both husband 1.0 & and 2.0 are of a different natitionality to me. I lived, and live in their country with them.

Because of the above I've spent a lot of time over the last 30 years with other women in a similar relationship. The reality is most people can suffer from "holding the new immigrant's hand" fatigue after a while.

But there is no language barrier here, no heavy duty visa paperwork to wade through, no huge culture shock of massive proportions.... and it's only been 2 bloody weeks.

Run, don't walk. This is a non starter.

He is not into you.

Get out and start looking for a job ASAP.

I would leave now. I can't see any point in waiting until January. The sooner you go home the sooner you can restart your life. Hold your head up high!

He is dreadful.

I think you should book onto the next flight home. You have already told him that you are unhappy and he went out again. This tells you that this man does not respect you or care about you enough to include you into his life.

Don't wait for him to dump you, just leave. I suspect if you mention him going out again, he may end the relationship because he sounds like a very, very selfish person.

I would be ditching this manchild, cutting my losses and getting on the next flight home. The advantage of being in central London is that you are within easy tube / rail access of both Heathrow and Gatwick. He has treated you appallingly and doesn't deserve your patience. What do your family say? Surely they would be really glad to have you home and away from a man who is treating you so badly.

I am stunned people are saying to give it more months when it is this bad after a fortnight

I'm not saying give the discourteous arse more months to treat the OP in such a cavalier fashion, Doreen, but I don't see any reason why she shouldn't avail herself of his hospitality until such time as she's found another place to live, or found a job if she hasn't got the werewithal to pay rent and support herself while she's looking for work.

Accomodation in the capital is horrendously expensive. Cheap and safe hostels are non-existent in very short supply, and most flatshares will require a month's rent in advance plus a month's deposit which could easily amount to more than £1,000.

The OP's plan was to work here and, to my mind, it would be defeatist to turn tail and miss out on what could be an amazing experience just because he's met someone else this particular relationship has not withstood the test of a brief period apart.

If a guy built my expectations up only to dash them to the ground and leave me adrift in an unfamiliar city where I knew no-one, I'd have no compunction about making it clear that the relationship is over but I expect him to behave in a civilised manner and make good on the offer of accomodation which was one of the reasons I quit my job and left my home, family, and friends, on the strength of his promises.

Sod him - if he doesn't want the OP in his flat he can pay her fare back to the States or put the money up for her to find alternative accomodation.

This should have been your honeymoon period, where living together is exciting and new. Instead he's showing you, through his actions, what kind of priority you are in his life. He is being a shit, this is a horrible start.

If you want to stay in the UK I suggest you do it without him. Or go back home and chalk this up to life experience.

Yeh, I don't think you should be hanging around. Just go home!

I'd get up and leave, maybe get my own flat share if you're young with no children and use it as a base for travelling, you could see a lot of London, jump on the Eurostar to paris for a week and more of a Europe of money allowed before going back to the US.

Part of me thinks you should treat him like a housemate, and throw yourself into finding a job, friends, and new place to live. If you have to start fresh in America, you might as well give London a chance??

make good on the offer of accomodation which was one of the reasons I quit my job and left my home, family, and friends, on the strength of his promises

She didn't move here for accommodation - she moved here to be his partner.

Which he is not interested in being.

I'd leave immediately. However nice the thought of free accommodation is I don't think I could stand being in the same room as your boyfriend. He sounds awful.

Agree, next plane home.

I would tell him I've booked a flight home and see what his reaction is.
That should tell you a lot!

It sounds as if he's having a bit of a double life, and keeping you a secret from someone tbh.

How old is he? It sounds like none of his friends are in settled relationships. Does he not have any "couple friends" he could introduce you to. If he is the first of his friends to settle down it could be that he is struggling to work out where you fit into his social life. But I would expect this sort f think a few months in. Not in the first couple of weeks!!! He needs to grow up.