How to dump someone as gently as possible?

[Doughnutsandflapjacks33]

Is it possible to dump someone gently?

So I have been seeing this guy for a month or so, he has always been a bit full on and more interested in me than I am him, he spent the weekend at mine and tbh it was awful ( he thinks it went really well ), I have not been single long, was in a sexless marriage for a long time ( dh and I slept apart ), I am not used to sharing my bed and have got used to my own company. His hygiene is not great, he snores and he's just really full on. After spending the weekend together I realise that I don't want a relationship and that I enjoy being on my own with my dc's, I enjoy lying on the sofa in the evenings without cuddling anyone, I don't want to be pocked and prodded, I don't want to share the remote, I love having my own space, I love doing what I want to do without having to consult anyone else. There is also the problem that he does not have dc's and he wants to be a dad one day, there's not a chance in hell I would have another child and I would not get married again, I can't give him what he wants.
I was so pleased when he went home this morning, I realise that this is not what I want ( a serious relationship ), not with him and probably not with anyone unless I meet someone totally amazing.

How do I let him down gently? I know he is going to be very upset and I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to lead him on either.

Oops that probably isn't gentle but honesty is best policy. As is avoiding any language that alludes to subjective feeling because you need to absolutely clear and not give him false hope.

I agree that it would be nice to say 'we want different things and I am not ready for a relationship' but he sounds like he might be the type who would try to persuade you or 'wait' for you - it might be safer to go with the honesty route and just say 'I'm just not feeling the connection with you, I do not want to pursue this'.

i dont think you should tell him he stinks. Dont dump someone with an insult unless theyve really been an arsehole. Its not your public duty to stick the knife in further for the sake of womankind.

It isnt working for you, You really wanted to have fun this weekend but it actually made you feel a bit crowded and made you realise youre not ready for a relationship. Tell him hes a good guy, and will make a great partner for someone one day for sure, but it aint me babe

whether you think he will try and persuade you further is irrelevent. You can still say no

He hasn't messaged me yet today, I think he may know that he's about to get dumped. He messaged me a few times yesterday and I took ages to reply, told him I was very busy and tired, I didn't put any kisses on the end of my messages and kept them short and sweet, hopefully it's pretty obvious that I didn't have a great weekend.

When he does message me I shall just tell him that I am not ready for any kind of relationship and it's only fair that I end it now so he can find what he is looking for ( a future wife and mother of his children type ), I need my own space.

I have been single for 8 months, I have been dating which I have enjoyed but I don't want anything more than that, I don't want to share my bed or my sofa in the evenings , I don't want someone to treat me like a princess and I don't want a unhygienic man child.

Slight tangent, but how bad was his hygiene? You say he "barely washed all weekend " which implies that he did wash at least once. So just say he came over on Friday night, shower on Saturday, home on Sunday -- is that really so repulsive?

I know exactly how you feel op. I have recently started seeing a guy and he wanted to stay over Saturday night. I worried about it all week and couldn't bear the thought of sharing my bed with someone sweaty and hairy. I called it off Saturday morning .

Call it off sooner rather than later. Good luck.

Tiger, he came over Friday lunch time, went home Monday morning, he wore the same socks for the whole weekend, I didn't we him wash, I thlove no he brushed his teeth once. That is pretty gross?

Ok, I have sent him a message, I feel awful but relieved, waiting for a response, I know he is going to be very upset.

I wrote:
Sorry I havnt messaged you, I have been busy and been doing a lot of thinking, I don't think I am ready to be in a relationship, I havnt been on my own long and I have now realised how much I enjoy it being just me and the dc's, I know you are looking for more than I can give you, you want children and possibly marriage and I can't give you either of those, I don't want more children and I don't plan on getting married again. I really like you and you are a nice person which is why I have found this really hard, I don't want the same things as you want and it would be unfair of me to lead you on, I'm. Really sorry.

A few minutes before he messaged me he sent me a friends request on FB, he wanted to change his status to 'in a relationship' , I had to end it ASAP.

I think that's a very tactful message

Good message.

And when you find time, put on your favourite music and dance.

And hug the remote tightly to your chest tonight, whilst spread out on the sofa.

, I will be hugging the remote tight and enjoying being in bed alone.

He didn't take it very well, has begged to carry on seeing me ( just dating ), I said 'no', hopefully now he will leave me alone so I can enjoy my own company .

Doughnut,
You did the right thing. If you prolonged the inevitable he would just really grate on your nerves. Can't believe he is begging you to carry on seeing him, that in itself proves you did the right thing.
Now chill out out this evening, stuff yourself on your favourite food and watch whatever rubbish on TV that makes you happy.
You don't have to put up with crap from anyone. Good for you

In the end it all boils down to 'No'.

Enjoy the freedom

Well done. In a work context, someone once advised me to be "tough on the message, and gracious in the delivery" - you did that perfectly. Thereafter you have to remain equally tough and gracious, I think it's where the mumsnet "no, is a complete answer" comes into its own. Don't let his upset or anger or sweetness provoke you into saying anything you didn't say in your first response. "I am not ready to be in a relationship" or "I don't want the same things as you want - sorry." are more than enough. And if he invites you for a drink to talk about things - well 'NO' is a complete answer.

He's still sending me messages , I am now ignoring, he seems to think I might change my mind one day. I do feel really guilty, I don't want to have to get nasty with him, I thought my message explained everything and made it pretty clear that it is over.

You could either ignore/block, or tell him to back off then block, or tell him he's a gross smelly man-limpet then block. Up to you ;)

Hi op your message said that you really liked him and was really sorry and it was hard for you to do, that's 3 different bits of hope there plus he's a nice guy bla bla.

You might have to be more assertive

there is no further discussion to be had I have made my decision please do not contact me again
If so I shall report for harassment. Simple concise and there's no ambiguity in it for him at all

Also, some of that just wasn't true was it? You didn't really like him or find the decision really hard.

I mean I realise you were just trying to be decent and soften the blow, but I always think honesty is better than leaving room for false hope. It doesn't have to be unkind or brutal. "Sorry I'm not really feeling it and don't wish to pursue a relationship with you any further - wishing you all the very best" is fine and leaves no room for manoevre.

It's what I'd prefer if it was me.

I have to say I'd be very offended if someone dumped me by text/email! I would expect in person, or if distance makes that impossible, at least over the phone!

This is exactly why I never use the "I am not ready for a relationship"... guys take it as "but I will be if you keep trying".

Honest and short is the key, guys are less complicated than us: "I am not feeling the connection and this is not working for me. I don't want to continue this relationship". No excuses, no open doors. It really is the kindest way.

Gwen the world has moved on. Relationships that start digitally often end digitally especially early on. A text for a month old relationship is fine.

I agree aurynne. 'I can't offer what you're looking for/we aren't looking for the same thing' is better

tbh women who post on here that they've been dumped by text generally get a lot of sympathy and agreement that to dump by text is a pretty cowardly thing to do and says a lot more about the dumper than the dumpee. especially after a weekend spent together and the thought that things are going well, it seems brutal to then end things by text.

That being said, I can understand why op no longer wishes to continue the relationship, but I would just ignore his messages now. Also talk of reporting for harassment is ott advice.

Anyone has the right to end a relationship, he will come round soon enough.

OP you dont need to ignore - just say what you just said,

'I thought i was clear in my message that it was not going to continue. Please do not contact me again.'

And then block his phone number.