How to dump someone as gently as possible?

[Doughnutsandflapjacks33]

Is it possible to dump someone gently?

So I have been seeing this guy for a month or so, he has always been a bit full on and more interested in me than I am him, he spent the weekend at mine and tbh it was awful ( he thinks it went really well ), I have not been single long, was in a sexless marriage for a long time ( dh and I slept apart ), I am not used to sharing my bed and have got used to my own company. His hygiene is not great, he snores and he's just really full on. After spending the weekend together I realise that I don't want a relationship and that I enjoy being on my own with my dc's, I enjoy lying on the sofa in the evenings without cuddling anyone, I don't want to be pocked and prodded, I don't want to share the remote, I love having my own space, I love doing what I want to do without having to consult anyone else. There is also the problem that he does not have dc's and he wants to be a dad one day, there's not a chance in hell I would have another child and I would not get married again, I can't give him what he wants.
I was so pleased when he went home this morning, I realise that this is not what I want ( a serious relationship ), not with him and probably not with anyone unless I meet someone totally amazing.

How do I let him down gently? I know he is going to be very upset and I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to lead him on either.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

... and you feeling pressured ....

I hasten to add. Not you pressuring anybody.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Exactly as I guessed from your description of him being full-on and feeling a bit pressured.

He definitely didn't have respect for your boundaries then, and looks like that's not changing in a hurry, given his post-breakoff text barrage.

[Doughnutsandflapjacks33]

I don't think I was mean by dumping him by text, we have always communicated through text, never by phone and there was no way I was going to waste time and money driving to tell him to his face.

He was very full on and needy, I guess I agreed to him coming to stay because he pestered me and I felt guilty saying 'no' ( had already said no to him once ), in a way I wanted to spend a couple of days with him to see what he was really like, I am please I did so I could end it and move on.

[Cabrinha]

I had two long weekends away with an OLD in a 6 week period. I dumped him by text after the second. Although I sent a longer email and the offer to chat too - but hell, I'd HATE to meet up on a "date" just to get an in person dumping!
Nothing wrong with a weekend quite quickly... helps you make quick decisions.
Tbf, when we went for first weekend away I did tell him I liked travel and not to read too much into it.
I told him that now we'd spent more time together I could see we had less in common that I thought, and the spark wasn't there, so thanks but no thanks.
We're still in sporadic email contact 6 months on.
Cos he's normal.

OP's bloke? Needy. No way she acted would have been right.

Block, forget about him.
Dumping by text is fine.
Weekends together is fine.

[Zippingupmyboots]

I think it's absolutely fine to dump by text after only a month. Especially if you have the kind of relationship where you predominantly communicate by text.

As for the weekend, yes you made a mistake by inviting him to stay for so long before you knew him and I think you must have been mad but you won't be doing it again.

I'm the kind of person who gets into a mess like this and it's not to deliberately hurt anyone, in fact it's he opposite, it's to avoid hurting someone's feelings. Although ultimately I agree it's better to be cruel to be kind ie call it a day sooner rather than later.

[51howdidthathappen]

OP you came on here asking for advice on how to be end this gently. People are never going to agree on what is too nice or too mean.
There is no magic formula.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"tbh women who post on here that they've been dumped by text generally get a lot of sympathy and agreement that to dump by text is a pretty cowardly thing to do and says a lot more about the dumper than the dumpee. smile especially after a weekend spent together and the thought that things are going well, it seems brutal to then end things by text. "

Thank you wannaBe. I think it's really cowardly.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

People who lie aren't immediately obvious because duh! They lie.

[Doughnutsandflapjacks33]

Maybe I have been a bit mean.

I have known this guy for a few months, the weight issue was not a problem as it was something he said he was going to work on, he told me he was eating healthy and was going to join the gym, when he came to stay over it was very obvious he was not going to change his diet and had no intention of going to the gym ( spent the weekend stuffing his face and even took food to bed with him ), he told me he didn't drink yet her brought alcohol with him and smelt of it when he got here there are many things he told me about himself which obviously we're not true. Having him in the house made me realise that I didn't want a 'man child', someone else to look after, his hygiene made things even worse.

[TheMarxistMinx]

That should say piss not pics stoopid phone.

[TheMarxistMinx]

Mmm, I don't think she owes an apology or a lengthy explanation. However I find it odd that anyone would invite a man into their home when their assessment of him is negative. If being over weight is an issue to you, why even date that person? Poor hygiene...likewise one would notice this before letting this person into your bed. And no I'm not slot shaming. I'm just puzzled.

As for poor man...no need to take the pics out of this guy. Op should have been far clearer in that text (it was too wooly) and rather than allowing him to make himself look silly or to drag it out, she should just block him.

[Shinyhappypeople9]

Exactly. You owe him nothing. It's been a month not a year. No more contact and move on.

[pictish]

Poor man my backside.

[Fluffy24]

I think I'd ask him not to contact you again, then just ignore and hope he goes away.

It's only been a month.

In the event that he hasn't got the message after a week I'd be tempted to be more blunt/honest about his personal hygiene and pressuring attitude killing any feelings you had, and now you feel a bit harassed by him and want him to leave you alone.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I RTFT, and between the lines as well. I think OP got into a weekend with the guy in the first place because she was more polite than the situation warranted - him being so full-on was probably pressure she didn't need. She said he'd lied about himself, as well, something that only came to light when he stayed over.

Ebenore neutrally, getting to know each other is what a weekend together should be all about! In this, the weekend was a success: you know him and yourself enough to know it just isn't going to work. To suggest that the OP was going too fast in agreeing to the weekend or dumping too quickly after borders on slut-shaming.

Since OP tried to stop it he's stepping up the pressure and clearly not respecting OP's agency. Clearly not "vulnerable" - he's got the hide of a rhino, this one.

Oh, and she's not laughing about him online, she's trying to get support. Which is what Mumsnet is here for. Or is that not acceptable for MRA trolls some posters.

[dangerrabbit]

OP, although you didn't like him anyway for other reasons, I also think you did the right thing by dumping him as he sounds a bit full on!

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Jesus wept
This man is a fucking grown up. All
Op has done is spent time with him and found out he's not for her. She owes him nothing and he needs to grow the fuck up. He's behaving badly now by continuing to contact her and she is perfectly within her right to end this relationship without further explanation.

[dontcallmecis]

Why on earth does the OP have any obligation at all to help him do anything? If he's in tears after a month, and convinced that she's dumping him due to her own emotional immaturity (oh, you're just frightened of committing, you poor thing, here, let me save you), then frankly he needs to take a good hard look at himself. If I was her I'd be thanking my lucky stars I'd done it by text so I wouldn't have to listen to that drivel.

And apologise for her behaviour? What behaviour? Dear god, people get dumped every day.

She's been clear, polite and respectful. She's already told him that she didn't "feel the spark and doesn't want things to continue". It's a one month not-very-serious relationship, not a marriage.

She is not responsible for his feelings. Not in the slightest. He can own that shit himself.

[cantolupo]

Ouch, sorry OP. Have to agree if I'd been seeing a guy for a month (you said chatting much longer too) and he'd escalted to asking me to his place for a weekend and we'd presumably had sex for the first time then he dumped me by text I'd be beside myself.

Poor man.

If I were you I would give him a ring and apologise for my behavior, let him know that you honestly liked him but didn't feel that spark and it wouldn;t be fair to continue.

He will be hurt, but at least he will feel respected.

[Ilovetorrentialrain]

OP. I think what you said to him was fair and right but... by text? That's about as classy as his tooth brushing habit.

[fishfingersinmysandwiches]

Yeah. Why spend a long weekend with him if that's how little you think of him?

You're absolutely entitled to not want to spend any more time with him, and you don't have to endlessly explain yourself or apologise, but how did it get even this far if you don't find him attractive and don't enjoy his company?

[CakeMountain]

I think you are being.cruel now. You took him from zero to a long week-end in a month. You knew he was vulnerable or you wouldn't have said you were worried about binning him. If it was a woman posting from his perspective there would be a lot of 'what a bastard'.

Rather than laughing about him on line, maybe start thinking about how you can help him get closure on this.

[51howdidthathappen]

He may even go so far as 'I really admire your attitude' or some such shite he thinks you are playing hard to get

[TheMarxistMinx]

What did you do to give this unhygienic boring fat lump the impression you liked him? You kept seeing him, invited him to stay in your home and I assume also had sex with him...why???

Maybe you should block then you won't have to listen to him tie himself in knots. You should have been totally honest in your reasons in the text with no apology. Just a categorical no and a list of reasons. What you gave was a fluffy list of excuses!

[Doughnutsandflapjacks33]

I agree, sadly he thinks he is mr perfect, why wouldn't I want to be with him?

I have had messages such as 'I know you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you, your probably scared of getting hurt which is why you are running away......blah....blahhh'.

I am very tempted to write ' actually I don't want to be with you, you havnt really got a lot going for you, you are overweight, your personal hygiene is pretty poor and I don't really enjoy your company' .