Mother In Laws

[AmyC86]

I've been with my husband for 6 years and we've been married for just over a year. Since quite early on in the relationship we understood each other and realised that we wanted children. For the past 5 years we've had unprotected sex and nothing has happened. I've had a lot of tests, including the very painful lap&die to which everything has come back clear. I was offered clomid, however I put a hold on starting that process due to our wedding being less than 12 months away & the thoughts of being pregnant and getting married was too much.

Anyway, since getting married, my MIL at every opportunity has pulled me to one side and drilled me to the point of complete embarrassment asking if we're going to have children, if we're trying for children, telling me that she wants to be a grandparent, childcare wouldn't be an issue etc. As the months of our marriage have developed, the drilling has become more and more frequent and also less and less private. A few weeks ago she blurted the question out infront of a lot of family members at a wedding! This for me was the last straw, where as in the past I have been democratic and sort of buttered upthe responses with 'holidays first' etc. This time I just said full stop blanket end of conversation stopper 'no were not trying' to the disappointment of my MIL. MY DH then turned around and said 'well that's not exactly true, we're not not trying'.

Argh!!!!! I wasn't best pleased to say the least. Is it me or am I being overly sensitive to the subject because of the situation we find ourselves in? Or is my MIL being extremely rude and interfering? I thought that having a baby and the whole planning process,the first few weeks of knowing was a private thing to be enjoyed by you and DH. I feel at this moment there is three people in the planning stage & that there'll be no surprise for her.

I'm one of these people who if pushed or backed into a corner will 100% rebel. Every time she asks makes me want to piss her off by not doing what she wants. My DH says that she's just excited but in my opinion she's just being nosey.

We've invited both sets of parents round for dinner on Wednesday & when I asked her she gave me the knowing look only a mother could give and asked 'what's the occasion' argh! I feel like booting her in the face!

Your husband needs to tell his Mama to wind her neck in

Or alternatively say "well we're shagging loads"

Your Mil is rude, but your DH is letting her...

My MIL used to do the exact same thing....I know how you feel and went through all the sorts of tests that you have had. It's not easy dealing with all of that, plus pressure from your MIL. She's rude and nosey and your DH needs to step up and tell her to butt out! Keep your chin up OP! Here's some for you

I think your husband needs to have a quiet word with her about how hard both of you are trying and that nothing's happened yet... Hopefully she will shut up then and leave you to it, but you may end up with loads of sympathetic looks instead...

Can you imagine what she'd be like with a grandchild and no support from your dh with regards to her boundaries!? I'd seriously consider your situation if I were you...and I say that as someone who has a nightmare mil and a supportive dh, it' still difficult. Move very far away...!

Thanks for the responses. I'm glad that you agree she's being nosey and totally rude. Could you imagine this situation happening a generation ago where people had a stiff upper lip!

Thanks for the flowers hormonal.

I think the hardest part of the situation is that she tends to ask these questions furtively and usually when my DH isn't there. If he was there is imagine that he would stand up for our privacy, the time at the wedding is the first time that he has witnessed it.

Cats, don't even go there!!! She's going to be insufferable isn't she! ?? i think that when my mind wanders to the subject, this is one of the reasons why I decide I'm not ready for kids yet because I don't think I'd have the strength to battle her and motherhood.

As you say, mover very far away......she always says that she has an excellent relationship with her MIL (DH nan) because she's 200 miles away! No truer a word spoken eh!!!

I'm going to speak to my DH and ask him to mention the whole thing to her. We have previously told her about the facility issues but they don't appear to have been taken on board.

To be honest at this stage a blow by blow of your sex life with her son might be more appropriate. Followed by 'well you're the one who seems to have a hankering for discussing my sex life' or alternatively 'I do not feel comfortable discussing my sex life with you so please stop asking' in a loud voice, in public.

I think your MIL is totally out of order, and I'm so sorry you are having such a struggle trying to conceive. That's bad enough without someone harassing you. I'm a MIL and I too was desperate for a grandchild but my eldest son and DIL also had a lot of trouble (but my DIL told me all about it) in fact she came and lay on my sofa and cried when the GP told her the only way they would have a baby was by IVF. I was SO upset for them and it seemed everywhere I went there were couples with babies. I remember one summer evening in our local park seeing a young couple with a baby lying on a blanket and I had to go into the wooded area as I was so upset.

When they decided to have IVF I was so anxious because I thought it would just be more heartache. DIL was 35 at the time. BUT - hallelujah - she got pregnant first time, and had a beautiful baby girl (this was 16 years ago!) She had frozen embryos implanted and 2 more full cycles and each time she got pregnant, but sadly miscarried. However their DD has been an absolute joy. They had ICSI incidentally.

Have you thought of IVF? Your DH needs to tell his mother to STFU!!

I have thought of the 'blow by blow' sex talk but I honestly don't think that I've got it in me! At the end of the day, I've still got to have some kind of civilised relationship with this woman.

I've been offered a course of clomid but it's getting into the swing of gyne appointments which is sort of holding me back. Also the thought of how emotional I'll be on the drug, the thought of it not working too ??

I just feel that each time there is a furtive dig it's her being disappointed. Also, I don't feel like I can relax with the situation around her because of the way that she always jumps to conclusion. Like I said before, both sets of parents (only) are coming for tea 2moro and when I asked there was the slightly surprised eyebrow raised look. I know that she's going to be expecting an announcement ??

She sounds awful. Tell her it's nothing to do with her and to stop asking you about your private business.
Then tell her that you're both planning on moving away soon. Hopefully she'll get focused on that and start redirecting her obsessiveness.

I think both of you need to tell his mother firmly how you are as a couple feeling. Neither of you need such interference and she needs to completely back off. This is not about her.

How does your DH relate to his mother these days?.

On a wider level though, can your DH at all stand up to his mother or does he really cower or back down/away in her presence?. I can see being a right PITA going forward as well.

Re your fertility problems has your man been at all tested?. I ask only as there is no mention of him having any tests done in your initial post.

Why do people think these conversations didn't happen a generation ago ? I remember my parents ( born early 1920s ) thinking it was hilarious when friends theirs were asked if they had children and replied cheerfully "no , but we're trying !"

How do you get on with her otherwise? OK or is she always a bit pushy?
Tell her how you feel. When you are not angry, take her on one side and tell her you find it embarrasing and that you will do what is right for you when the time is right, but that constant nagging is stressing you and if she mentions it again you will stop seeing her.
That ought to do it unless she is mental.

Why are you having the meal?

I'd use that to my advantage and at the first hint of a nudge nudge wink wink announcement prompt say 'Look, your obsession with our sex life needs to stop. If we decide to have children and get pregnant you will know about it when we are ready to tell you. Every time you ask, it makes us want to put it back another month so back off. Now, who wants a cup of tea?'

Honestly, I would tell her the truth. "We are hoping to have a child, but stress and external pressure really aren't helping us. I understand that you are excited but I would appreciate it if you didn't raise this in future, either overtly or by allusion. When we have news, we will let you know".

And then totally shut her down.

I agree that something needs to be said and done as we can't carry on like this.

She was invited for tea because at the end of the day I still want to have some kind of civilised relationship with the woman plus, I know that she won't ask directly because my mums there xx

Antilla, my husband has had a sperm count test done and got the all clear xx

I think I'm warming up to the idea of possibly laying down the situation over the meal 2moro. Perhaps an initial reminder that I can't get pregnant naturally& that we need chemical help. We will decide when it'll be the right time to ask for the chemical help so in the meantime can we leave all 'are we trying' conversations at the door. When we know, you'll know.

What do you all think?

Also, a family relative announced her pregnancy yesterday & she was so shocked by the fact that she had kept it from family until the 12 week scan. I think that she would expect to be told the day after conception

OP, I think speaking to both sets of patents at dinner is a good idea. Say exactly what you've posted above ^, it sounds perfect. Also, if you can, when you do get pregnant (and you will!) try to hold off telling people until 12 weeks. I ended up having to announce mine after 4 weeks due to a family argument and it just added so much pressure. Discuss with your DH beforehand to make sure he's on board with it. Good luck!

Good luck for tomorrow OP

Yes hormonal, I'm going to do it, and I going to let DH know beforehand xx as for the 12 week thing, DH and I have already decided upon keeping it to ourselves ages ago and still stick by that plan x

Thanks for the well wishes for 2moro, I'll keep you all posted!

You could announce that your DH only likes anal and oral and leave her to work out the logistics?

Hope tomorrow goes well.

just obv. change the subject, walk away put the phone down after once saying "i am not discussing this anymore"

passive, she never says it on the phone, its only ever in person. Its difficult to change the subject because there's very rarely anyone else around at the time!

I had that pressure for about 7 years.
Had to take clomid to get pregnant on DC after ttc three years, then followed by me having three more miscarriages when I finally did get pregnant being to selfish/ lazy not to give DC a sibling. Now we are facing more fertility treatment and the odds are not on our side, if they ever really were.

DH just blanks the question now - total stonewall. It works a treat with his DM. I have a repertoire of ripostes up my sleeve and depending on the person, use the most appropriate response ranging from icily polite to piss-ripping rude.

My DM thought that she would find out right away if I got pregnant. Nope. Her idea of keeping a secret is to tell the whole world and swear them to secrecy instead. Then they all know for ages so when you announce your news they all fake surprise and you fake delight at their fake surprise
So everyone found out at 14 weeks and only because I was starting to show and needed to tell people. Otherwise I'd have left it even longer. That early private stage was lovely