Mother In Laws

[AmyC86]

I've been with my husband for 6 years and we've been married for just over a year. Since quite early on in the relationship we understood each other and realised that we wanted children. For the past 5 years we've had unprotected sex and nothing has happened. I've had a lot of tests, including the very painful lap&die to which everything has come back clear. I was offered clomid, however I put a hold on starting that process due to our wedding being less than 12 months away & the thoughts of being pregnant and getting married was too much.

Anyway, since getting married, my MIL at every opportunity has pulled me to one side and drilled me to the point of complete embarrassment asking if we're going to have children, if we're trying for children, telling me that she wants to be a grandparent, childcare wouldn't be an issue etc. As the months of our marriage have developed, the drilling has become more and more frequent and also less and less private. A few weeks ago she blurted the question out infront of a lot of family members at a wedding! This for me was the last straw, where as in the past I have been democratic and sort of buttered upthe responses with 'holidays first' etc. This time I just said full stop blanket end of conversation stopper 'no were not trying' to the disappointment of my MIL. MY DH then turned around and said 'well that's not exactly true, we're not not trying'.

Argh!!!!! I wasn't best pleased to say the least. Is it me or am I being overly sensitive to the subject because of the situation we find ourselves in? Or is my MIL being extremely rude and interfering? I thought that having a baby and the whole planning process,the first few weeks of knowing was a private thing to be enjoyed by you and DH. I feel at this moment there is three people in the planning stage & that there'll be no surprise for her.

I'm one of these people who if pushed or backed into a corner will 100% rebel. Every time she asks makes me want to piss her off by not doing what she wants. My DH says that she's just excited but in my opinion she's just being nosey.

We've invited both sets of parents round for dinner on Wednesday & when I asked her she gave me the knowing look only a mother could give and asked 'what's the occasion' argh! I feel like booting her in the face!

i don't really understand why parents feel they have the right to know what is going on with their adult children's reproductive systems. It's rather invasive. You shouldn't have to explain to anyone why you've not had children yet. I got told I'd never have children then got pregnant with my 1st child by surprise. After him we tried for around 6/7 years but we were unable to conceive. I got that tired of fending off the "when are you having another one" questions that in the end I was very open and said unfortunately we can't have any more. Within 2 months all the questions had stopped. 11 months later I'm now 22 weeks pg without even trying

Maybe it's her constant questioning that's shrivelled up my womb! [Grin]

I'll have another word with DH and say that I want us to both mention it to her.

As someone mentioned back on page 2. I've already been subject to the 'buy a house' she wanted us to move closer to his Sister so that she would have all her family and stones throw away. For the record, we moved further away, which has helped!

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your difficulties conceiving. Just wanted to say that my mil was like this too. She would bring up babies whenever she got the chance. She was actually disappointed when we announced our engagement as she was hoping we were going to have a baby first. When I got pregnant she was unbearable and totally insensitive and now my dd is here she won't leave us alone (have a thread going on now about it).

So, beware! I would say something. It's so hard (I'm rubbish at saying anything to mil) but I think you really need to say 'look it's none of your business'. And get dh to agree too. Mine always takes my mil's side and it is exhausting. Good luck

My DH is in agreement that she is getting too much. I don't know how people manage with really bad In laws x

Parents seem to frequently forget that their children are grown up and that their lives are their own. A gentle public - i.e at the dinner table - reminder sounds like the way ahead.

I'm glad that your Dh is in agreement Amy . You just need to agree to tackle it together, otherwise she will use it to come between you .

The couples who cope best with difficult inlaws / parents are those who do it together . And those who allow interfering busybody /manipulative parents to come between them can destroy their marriages . I guarantee this will get worse if you don't nip it in the bud now .

Yes I know xx less than 2 hours until the meal. My nerves remind me of the last episode of Dr Foster lol

You shouldn't have to feel like that in your own home :-(

Especially when you have done such a lovely thing as to invite them round for a meal

I just won't be able to hold my tongue if it's mentioned!

Don't hold your tongue and warn your DP not to dare apologising for you. I'd suggest, 'We thought we'd wait until the emigration is finalised.'

Well, MIL tried to mention the baby thing right at the start of the evening, the couches hadn't even got warm! i went into the kitchen and carried on with the dinner. Spoke to DH and said, it's got to be tonight.

Later on, when we where all sat down and eating. I lifted my glass of wine to toast and then went "DH and I have an announcement" - it's a good job MIL was sat down You could have heard a pin drop.

Basically we told them that: "we need help to consieve and i'm going to go to the doctors when we're ready. Although that it's nice to discuss and be reminded of the future possibilities, for now, we would both like for these kinds of conversations to be averted at all times. The road ahead of us isn't going to be the easiest of paths and we don't know how long it's going to be either, this is just the beginning. When we know, you'll be the first 4 people after us to know, so until then, please no mention of babies".

By the end of it, both mothers - my mum and MIL where crying but do hope that it's got the point across!

ahhhhhhhhhh perfect conversation! well done OP i'd be crying too.
it isn't easy to hear but hearing it makes all the difference.

Brilliant !

I know! To say that I was really worried about the whole scenario is weird because once I started in couldn't shut up until I'd got it all off my chest.

Feels like a weight has been lifted x thank you for all your support x

I think asking something that peronal is the height if rudeness. It takes a lot to shock me but that has.

MIL never asked but dh took it on himself to tell her we were going to have the patter of tiny feet in the house. She actually screamed with delight, he then revealed we were getting a cat.

Well done on your announcement.

Hooray! That was absolutely perfect. YOU DID IT!!

Well done . You handled it perfectly .

You've drawn a line in the sand about what's is your private business as a couple and what is up for family discussion . That's important .

I wish you all the best with your future plans . And remind you that there are lots of supportive threads on MN for those who are TTC, however they are doing it .

Just re-read the opening post and am wondering... is this the first time you have actually given her an answer?

That's great news! I hope she does put a sock in her mouth now

I think the only reasonable answer to an extremely rude question ( such as the MIL was asking ) is " did you mean to be so rude ? " .

Given that the MIL must be at least 50, she's old enough to know better and have leaned some manners .

I think the Op has handled it very well .

Thanks, I wasn't expecting for it to go as smoothly as it did. Passive, in the past ive sort of brushed it to one side with hmms and ahhs. I did tell her a bare faced "no" the time she asked me at the wedding in front of other wedding guests and family - but that was under the influence of a lot of prosecco and she was also under the influence of a lot of red wine.

However, even though i said to her "no we're not, have you a problem with that". She still proceeded to dig at later dates after the wedding!

Fingers crossed this will but a sock in her mouth now as Tread has suggested!

MIL is 58 for the record, and has two very grown up DC's (37 -SIL and 35 -DH) and already has two GC's (12 and 2) so yes, Kr1stina, you would think that she is old enough not to be so bleeding rude!

I think you should be prepared with a very firm "we have said that we are not prepared to discuss the specifics of our treatment before" should she raise it at a later date. Be prepared to be very firm, regardless of the situation or location and brazen it out. Otherwise you may find yourself giving out information which you later regret because then you have to draw a line under any more detail if you know what I mean?

You don't mention cultural differences but my family [father in particular] would think it perfectly normal to ask these sort of personal questions and want to know all the specifics [to be discussed at length with the wider family when we were absent naturally]. DH is English and utterly horrified that anyone would straight out ask what you earn or how much your house is worth. I just bluntly say that I am not going to discuss it and that's the end of it, my parents shrug it off with an "ok then" but it doesn't stop them asking other personal questions, just not repeating that one.

They don't get all huffy about it - most of the time anyway. I've grown up with it so I find it easier than MIL's leading questions and false " I don't want to pry" when it is blindingly obvious what she wants to know.