Mother In Laws

[AmyC86]

I've been with my husband for 6 years and we've been married for just over a year. Since quite early on in the relationship we understood each other and realised that we wanted children. For the past 5 years we've had unprotected sex and nothing has happened. I've had a lot of tests, including the very painful lap&die to which everything has come back clear. I was offered clomid, however I put a hold on starting that process due to our wedding being less than 12 months away & the thoughts of being pregnant and getting married was too much.

Anyway, since getting married, my MIL at every opportunity has pulled me to one side and drilled me to the point of complete embarrassment asking if we're going to have children, if we're trying for children, telling me that she wants to be a grandparent, childcare wouldn't be an issue etc. As the months of our marriage have developed, the drilling has become more and more frequent and also less and less private. A few weeks ago she blurted the question out infront of a lot of family members at a wedding! This for me was the last straw, where as in the past I have been democratic and sort of buttered upthe responses with 'holidays first' etc. This time I just said full stop blanket end of conversation stopper 'no were not trying' to the disappointment of my MIL. MY DH then turned around and said 'well that's not exactly true, we're not not trying'.

Argh!!!!! I wasn't best pleased to say the least. Is it me or am I being overly sensitive to the subject because of the situation we find ourselves in? Or is my MIL being extremely rude and interfering? I thought that having a baby and the whole planning process,the first few weeks of knowing was a private thing to be enjoyed by you and DH. I feel at this moment there is three people in the planning stage & that there'll be no surprise for her.

I'm one of these people who if pushed or backed into a corner will 100% rebel. Every time she asks makes me want to piss her off by not doing what she wants. My DH says that she's just excited but in my opinion she's just being nosey.

We've invited both sets of parents round for dinner on Wednesday & when I asked her she gave me the knowing look only a mother could give and asked 'what's the occasion' argh! I feel like booting her in the face!

If she tried to corner you alone again say "Why don't you talk to DP about this?" Call her out on it. It's unpleasant and sneaky - and it has fuck all to do with her anyway.

Here's a few to start with.

"WE don't want to discuss our plans for a family"
"That's a very personal question..."
"Are you calling me fat?"
"Why? Have I put on weight?"
"Life is never as simple as you think"
"I am not going to discuss our fertility. You will be one of the first to know if we conceive"
"As soon as I figure out how" -- maybe add, "Any tips, suggestions, or favorite positions?"
After we stop practicing
What? And give up alcohol(or drug of your choice) for a year or more?!
"When you stop asking"
"Just as soon as I can direct some sperm to my eggs. Trouble is, it just tastes too damn good."
"Oh you know, whenever. There's no rush"
"Never, I think." [looking thoughtful] "Yes, never."
"Jesus. I need to cut back on the ice cream."
"Q: When are you going to have children?" Ans:How soon do you need to know?"
"If you want to know how often we have sex, you can just ask. You don't have to be coy about it."
Say: "Already have one," and point to husband.
"I can't have kids and I do not wish to discuss this."
"Well, the answer to that is a little bit personal."
"We can't afford children right now"

You must be utterly firm with people like this, OP.

Since MIL likes to do her sniping in person meet her for coffee somewhere. Tell her she is embarrassing herself and boring everyone else to death with her banging on about a GC for herself. Let her know that if she brings up the subject again she will be ignored. Likewise anything else she choses to replace the baby subject with.

When i discuss the issue with DH, he doesn't really appear that bothered, but i don't think that he realises how bad it is, because she only asks when i'm alone.

sometimes she'll drop it into conversations such as like this.....

There's a woman she knows (a member of another quiz team at the pub she goes) who's having twins imminently. She said a few days ago that the woman is really struggling with the last few weeks of the pregnancy and is being induced in a few weeks. She explained that she's a thin woman and it's all bump. Which is nice, i like talking about pregnant women and babies. She then turned around and said, it'll be your turn next when your pregnant with your twins i was like WTF!

Not only is she practically at the end of the bed encouraging regular sex like a commentary on the horses, but she's decided that we're going to have twins!

Footle said "Why do people think these conversations didn't happen a generation ago ? I remember my parents ( born early 1920s ) thinking it was hilarious when friends theirs were asked if they had children and replied cheerfully "no , but we're trying !"

I think one thing that is different now to the experience of previous generations is the uncertainties introduced by rising infertility, later pregnancies and treatments like clomid and IVF.

One of my closest friends has just given up on IVF after 5 cycles, and she has been devastasted every time it has failed. There is something utterly cruel about the hope-then-despair nature of each attempt, the chemically-enhanced emotional vulnerability, the brutal clarity of the timescales involved and the uncompromising 'this one didn't work' at the end. Add in the expense of it, and it can be a emotional marathon. She is utterly depressed and emotionally wiped out by it. She didn't tell anyone, even close family, about the final couple of cycles because she couldn't face it being a public ordeal. And she gets on really well with her (very understanding) parents.

I'm not saying that the pain for women is greater than it was in the past, but the rhythm of it is different, and that does mean that it can be an extremely sensitive issue. Which makes the question 'When am I going to get my first grandchild' potentially more insensitive these days.

shove,

I agree, it does made it insensitive. My MIL is the worst person for actually listening to what you've got to say. If it doesn't interest her, she's not bothered.

What i haven't mentioned is the fact that this won't be her first grandchild, this will be her third.

You and your DH need to set boundaries now . Or it will only get worse when you start assisted conception treatment or get PG.

Do you want to discuss the details with them at every stage ? If not, you need to be firm and say that they will be among the first to know when you are PG and until then the subject is not for discussion .

That you understand that the questions and hints are well meaning but they are very upsetting .

Although I do like Tread softly on my dreams list

With people like that, you have to be firm to a point that almost feels rude. Because they simply will not hear any of the polite 'hints' that anyone else -who isn't completely mental will pick up. But women in particular are often brought up to be 'good girls' and not to be rude or conflictual, so it makes us really uncomfortable when we are forced to say something. I suspect I'm a bit older than you (I'm 38!) and I'm only just learning the wonders of assertiveness, where you are neither passive-aggressive nor aggressive, but you simply and pleasantly state your boundaries. It does work - amazingly - but it's hard to keep emotionally cool while doing it. (I suspect this is a matter of practice).

Which is why I love your idea of a simple, assertive statement that this isn't up for discussion (and ignore any guilt-tripping of 'Oh I just wanted to be a part of it' - your body, your fertility, your rules).

At the meal.....you need to do this.

You "we have some news..."
Mil looks knowing and smug.
You "we made blancmange for pudding"

Later on:
You "I've been having some tests recently, and, I have good news!"
Mil looks knowing and smug
You "I have higher than average I.Q!!"

passive, she never says it on the phone, its only ever in person. Its difficult to change the subject because there's very rarely anyone else around at the time!

"so lets discusss the weather shall we, hasn't it rained a lot this last week".
I did say obviously do it, not subtly.
You always have the option to walk away, even in her house.

Just tell her the truth and she won't keep asking. You could always then ask her not to keep asking for updates, and that you'll tell them all if it happens.

Try this preferably without your DH around

Pleasant gentle voice.

"MIL [Mil's name]
I would appreciate if I could have a quiet word with you and that you listen and not interrupt me". Pause.

"Since DH [DHs name] and I have gotten married you have relentlessly questioned me about our plans for a family and you have now started to do this publicly. Since you seem to feel you must know and feel entitled to ask intrusive questions particularly when DH is not around; you should know that we have been trying for a family for some years now.
Clearly we have not been successful and this is very upsetting for both of us. We are receiving the best of care and attention from various specialists and I don't wish to go into any further detail about where we are and at what stage we are at.

You will be one of the first to know if we conceive a child but please stop asking about it NOW. In particular, stop asking in front of other people or I shall be forced to be very very rude indeed and I would prefer that we remain on good terms.

We would prefer that this remain private, and other than for your relentless questioning I wouldn't have said anything. It is a personal matter and is not for discussion among even the family, however well meaning".

If you are asked by other people feel free to say "they haven't been blessed yet but then they've only just gotten married". "

Then thank her for her time and leave her to stew.

I had a chat with DH tonight, explained that the situation and that it's has been on my mind and explained about what happened the other day (with the pregnant woman conversation) I also explained to DH that the questions is getting more and more furtive, the last time she mentioned it i was a passenger in a moving car! so although what you said Tread was blindingly amazing i couldn't have walked out at that point.

My DH agrees with everyone and me totally 100% that she is being too much and needs to be told, using firm boundaries, he also believes that it needs to come from me, alone so that it appears more genuine like you suggest Tread.

However, like you say Shove, i'm younger at 29 and i do struggle with the assertiveness of situations, especially when it comes to telling family members to back the fuck off. At the end of the day i want our relationship to be a positive one, and i don't want situations hanging over us for years to come.

THanks for the advice ladies.

I'm sorry, but the idea that it has to come from you alone is just about your DH protecting himself . You need to show a united front to your inlaws and not let them come between you . Start as you mean to go on .

He needs to man up and support his wife .

I would probably go with something along the lines of:

"I wanted to talk to you all about the questions we've been getting about having a baby. I know you're all just excited at the idea of being grandparents, again, but as I've said before, we're going to need medical assistance. I know it's coming from a place of love but it's already a very stressful thing for us to be dealing with without being worried that we're letting you down as well. We would both really appreciate if you could stop asking any questions about babies/fertility etc. When and if the time comes, you'll be among the first to know".

Take her to one side and tell her "I didn't want to mention this but you're so pushy about children... you do know that your son is infertile and incapable of maintaining an erection without chemical intervention? He hides it well but your comments are really getting him down."

I'm a MIL and have been in a similar situation (son and DIL not telling me anything) while I very much wanted to be a gran.

DIL eventually called and told me (and hubby) that our son was infertile with a condition called azoospermia.
Once the shock wore off we realized they needed space and time. The questioning stopped immediately and we informed other family as we saw fit (grand parents who were anxiously waiting to be great grans)
We tried and hopefully were sensitive and helpful as they went through various treatment options.
So my thoughts are tell her the truth.

It is a difficult situation, I do feel for you. One word of caution though, can your MIL be trusted to keep your fertility issues to herself? My MIL is a gossip and I therefore would not tell her anything personal. Also, her interfering and controlling nature became far worse after we had dc1. I started off just like you, having meals together etc but I wasn't firm enough and allowed her to make digs because I was too polite. Then one day it all blew up when I couldn't take any more. Now we have a poor relationship. I regret what I said and I regret letting her interfere in my marriage. And, of course, she scurried off and told anyone that would listen. To keep it brief, my only advice would be to proceed with caution.
Best of luck to you.

he also believes that it needs to come from me, alone

As I said on the third post of this thread, "your Mil is rude and your DH is letting her".

I can promise you that if you don't ensure that he deals with his mother, in future every time there is an issue with her (and it's sounding like she's going to be a pain in the arse) he will leave it for you to sort out. You'll be painted as the bad guy whilst he can carry on being mummy's boy.

Timeless's response could be a winner...

He isn't a mummy's boy & he knows what she's like. I think the reason why he wants me to mention it the first time alone with her is because he probably knows that she won't listen. So when she doesn't listeneed and carries on, that's when he will have a word as the big guns bad cop.

She's extremely bad at forgetting information

I didn't suggest it so that "it appears more genuine like you suggest Tread"

She is manipulating you by asking you and having a dig when your husband isn't around. Far better [in my opinion] to make it clear that you are not having any more of it on a one to one basis than to give the appearance that you need your husband by your side to call her out on it.

It might work to have him beside you, but it is much more confrontational and while it might stop the behaviour on this topic, it will persist on other things especially if you conceive. Nip it in the bud now.

If she doesn't improve, then a three way chat is called for. I think she will be surprised and horrified that your DH is fully aware of it all.

Best of luck by the way. I hope that nature / your god is on your side.

Was dinner last night? How did it go?

Gah - it's Wednesday today. [wishful thinking] Good luck !

I've spoken to DH and he doesn't think that over the dinner table is the best way to do it.

I'm going to wait until she mentions it again, if that's tonight then she's made her bed and I'm going to get her to lie in it. Otherwise I'll mention it the next time that were alone and she mentions it x

Thanks for the luck!

I too have a pushy MIL who has driven me demented badgering me over the years : "buy a house", "have children", "have more children", " move closer" repeat ad nauseum...

Ime there is little you can do other than keep telling her over and over why you can't/ don't want to do what she wants. If you comment her being rude & offensive you create a family issue. Your dh will likely not be firm with her because people seem programmed to ignore those dearest to them. She might actually pay attention to the idea that it's hurting you to keep mentioning it.

Hope tonight goes well!

I've spoken to DH and he doesn't think that over the dinner table is the best way to do it

No, I'll bet he doesn't.

Are you happy trying for a baby with a man that never sticks up for you and lets his mother bully you in private?