My 'D'P actually isn't very nice.

[Crazybaglady]

Hello,

I'm starting this thread because I recently started one in infant feeding and the whole thing has made me realise that my partner is a bit of an arsehole.

He doesn't actually do anything unless it directly benefits himself, and isn't particularly nice to me.

We had a DD nearly 7 months ago. She's been fully breast fed until we started BLW recently.

Since she has been born, my partner has not once got up with her in the night or in the mornings so that I can have a lay in. Yet every single opportunity he gets to have one, he does. If he doesn't start work until 11, he won't be up until 9. If he's not working that day, he won't be up until he is ready to get up ect.

Baby was born on a Sunday... The next day it was me rushing around getting my older DC ready for school and for the remaining 2 weeks of his paternity leave and his 2 weeks annual leave after that I was the one doing EVERYTHING whilst he would stay in bed until 11, then shoot off to the gym.

He doesn't do ANYTHING around the house.The rare occasion that he does he acts like he's fucking Cinderella and that he's doing me a massive massive favour. I can cook a dinner the night before, he can't even be bothered to chuck the chicken carcass in the bin and soak the pans. The next morning I will have to clear this all up before even getting started on breakfasts for myself and the kids. baring in mind he is the last up, he never ever makes the bed or opens the blinds.

DF and DFIL will come over and do the more diy type tasks because if it's left to him, it just doesn't get done. It's fucking embarrassing and it pisses me off that my dad will be over cutting the grass. My dad gets pissed off but does it because I'm his daughter and it's his grand children's garden. (I can't do these things myself due to disability). Whilst these sort of things are going on DP will be in bed, playing on his phone, laptop or at the gym. There won't be any offer of any sort to help out. His own dad has just done a beautiful job of decorating DDs bedroom (over the weekends as he works full time) and my DP hasn't even bothered to call to thank him. Entitled wanker.

He doesn't ever do anything nice for me. I asked him for a back rub the other day because my back was sore... He would only give me one if I rubbed his head for ten minutes (he actually timed it).

He never ever praises me, or says anything positive to me. He only focuses on the negative. I had a home birth with DD, and I did a fucking good job considering she had her head at a funny angle, all he does is go on about WHAT A BIG DEAL I MADE OUT OF THE WHOLE THING and the 'funny noises' I made (and does impressions of them taking the piss out of me, and even to his friends IN FRONT OF ME).

We were starting to plan our wedding. I want it local as we can't afford something fancy and my main friends who I want there more than anyone won't be able to afford something abroad. He's absolutely insistent that it's abroad. Like won't even discuss a 'boring English wedding'. He think we can rent a villa that sleeps ten, hold the wedding there, and have our grooms and bridal party stay there and SPLIT THE COST with them... As in a £10k and 10 bedroom villa would be charged to each person as £1k each!!!. (I can see the AIBU now 'DH being best man and charged to stay at wedding venue abroad, AIBU to tell them to fuck off!) what the fuck!

He has recently started playing with the baby more, but makes a particular show when he's in front of his mother, who thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

Another thing he keeps doing, which I find quite concerning. He throws all his energy, time and money into various business ideas... Chucks loads of time and money at them. Fails at the first hurdle and then gives up. Moves onto the next one. I'm a bookkeeper, yet he doesn't discuss a single thing with me. At first he was just chucking his disposable income into it but recently he's started borrowing to finance these. Since March/April I'd say it's verging on £15-£20k of wasted money on failing business ideas...

What the fuck do I do? I don't even like him ATM.

Oh just to add some context... I'm self employed and work from home around the baby and my older child (from a previous relationship) so the whole he's at work all day idea doesn't wash well with me.

Thanks in advance for any responses... I'm anticipating lots of LTBs!

It was like DDs birth flicked the wanker switch in his brain.

He always was a wanker - you just didn't see it cos you didn't live with him and he was playing a role.

He has no respect or consideration for you - he's already shown you that plenty of times. He is NOT going to change, he'll just play another role until he's got you under his spell again...then soon as you're married he will revert back to his real wanker self, probably saddle you with his debt and then claim 'his' share of the marital assets he did not help accumulate.

The fact that even his own dad has such a low opinion of him and doesn't bother to 'talk sense' into him clearly shows you that this guy has never changed into a decent human being.

When you cannot rely on someone at your most vulnerable times, such as at childbirth and with a newborn it means they are completely unreliable and DO NOT CARE.

End this and take care of yourself.

Don't enable him to abuse you!

You would be absolutely stupid to Marry him knowing all that you do now. His own father is embarrassed by him. Don't tie yourself to this waste of space. And he was always this way, he just hid it well. People don't wake up one day selfish, it's part of who they are.

Never mind the laziness, the entitlement, the cocklodging...

He belittles your labour and worse than that, he makes fun of it, to other people, in front of you. For that alone, you should leave.

How absolutely dare he?

There was a thread a while ago where a woman's husband decided to entertain his mates at the pub by telling them all about what she enjoys in bed and doing impressions of her. I would have kicked his head in (both heads, actually).

It is unforgivable. Being lazy and entitled is forgivable if you shape up, which this useless lump will clearly never do. Belittling and publicly mocking a woman's experience of childbirth is unforgivable. There is no going back from that level of disrespect and trust betrayal. An affair would be easier to forgive in my opinion.

Do not marry him. Kick him out of your home and tell him why. No lists, no deadlines, no procrastination. If he came home and told you he'd been meeting up with hookers it would be less traitorous and disrespectful. There is nothing to redeem here. Get out and get rid before he can get his paws on your money, which is clearly his motivation.

What a worthless sack of shit.

How about a temporary separation much sooner, like next week? He can go to his mum's while you spend a few months 3 minimum) seeing how much easier life is without him.

I don't think he'll make much effort if you just tell him you're not very happy and would he please do X and Y, especially if you've already tried that. He'll just think he only needs to do a bit here and there for a few weeks and then you'll be back to normal and he can put his feet up again.

I do think that if you tell him to go to his mum's "NOW mate, right now", then it might jolt him into thinking about what he's doing and what he's willing to do, and then to make a start on it (like taking a parenting course, getting counselling in how not to be an entitled arse). Once he is making definite changes in how he lives his life, then - assuming you actually want him back - you could consider letting him back in.

Though I think he'll just write you off and go find someone else he can use.