My 'D'P actually isn't very nice.

[Crazybaglady]

Hello,

I'm starting this thread because I recently started one in infant feeding and the whole thing has made me realise that my partner is a bit of an arsehole.

He doesn't actually do anything unless it directly benefits himself, and isn't particularly nice to me.

We had a DD nearly 7 months ago. She's been fully breast fed until we started BLW recently.

Since she has been born, my partner has not once got up with her in the night or in the mornings so that I can have a lay in. Yet every single opportunity he gets to have one, he does. If he doesn't start work until 11, he won't be up until 9. If he's not working that day, he won't be up until he is ready to get up ect.

Baby was born on a Sunday... The next day it was me rushing around getting my older DC ready for school and for the remaining 2 weeks of his paternity leave and his 2 weeks annual leave after that I was the one doing EVERYTHING whilst he would stay in bed until 11, then shoot off to the gym.

He doesn't do ANYTHING around the house.The rare occasion that he does he acts like he's fucking Cinderella and that he's doing me a massive massive favour. I can cook a dinner the night before, he can't even be bothered to chuck the chicken carcass in the bin and soak the pans. The next morning I will have to clear this all up before even getting started on breakfasts for myself and the kids. baring in mind he is the last up, he never ever makes the bed or opens the blinds.

DF and DFIL will come over and do the more diy type tasks because if it's left to him, it just doesn't get done. It's fucking embarrassing and it pisses me off that my dad will be over cutting the grass. My dad gets pissed off but does it because I'm his daughter and it's his grand children's garden. (I can't do these things myself due to disability). Whilst these sort of things are going on DP will be in bed, playing on his phone, laptop or at the gym. There won't be any offer of any sort to help out. His own dad has just done a beautiful job of decorating DDs bedroom (over the weekends as he works full time) and my DP hasn't even bothered to call to thank him. Entitled wanker.

He doesn't ever do anything nice for me. I asked him for a back rub the other day because my back was sore... He would only give me one if I rubbed his head for ten minutes (he actually timed it).

He never ever praises me, or says anything positive to me. He only focuses on the negative. I had a home birth with DD, and I did a fucking good job considering she had her head at a funny angle, all he does is go on about WHAT A BIG DEAL I MADE OUT OF THE WHOLE THING and the 'funny noises' I made (and does impressions of them taking the piss out of me, and even to his friends IN FRONT OF ME).

We were starting to plan our wedding. I want it local as we can't afford something fancy and my main friends who I want there more than anyone won't be able to afford something abroad. He's absolutely insistent that it's abroad. Like won't even discuss a 'boring English wedding'. He think we can rent a villa that sleeps ten, hold the wedding there, and have our grooms and bridal party stay there and SPLIT THE COST with them... As in a £10k and 10 bedroom villa would be charged to each person as £1k each!!!. (I can see the AIBU now 'DH being best man and charged to stay at wedding venue abroad, AIBU to tell them to fuck off!) what the fuck!

He has recently started playing with the baby more, but makes a particular show when he's in front of his mother, who thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

Another thing he keeps doing, which I find quite concerning. He throws all his energy, time and money into various business ideas... Chucks loads of time and money at them. Fails at the first hurdle and then gives up. Moves onto the next one. I'm a bookkeeper, yet he doesn't discuss a single thing with me. At first he was just chucking his disposable income into it but recently he's started borrowing to finance these. Since March/April I'd say it's verging on £15-£20k of wasted money on failing business ideas...

What the fuck do I do? I don't even like him ATM.

Oh just to add some context... I'm self employed and work from home around the baby and my older child (from a previous relationship) so the whole he's at work all day idea doesn't wash well with me.

Thanks in advance for any responses... I'm anticipating lots of LTBs!

Does he think you have no choice once he fathered your child?

Sorry OP, but he's shown his true colours when life has proven challenging. I'm sorry to say this, but a lot of men change when they're out of their honeymoon period, my own DP included! Although, if my DP behaved like yours, he'd have been out the door a long time ago.

As someone else has said, I'd have seriously contemplated LTB for his mockery of your labour alone. That's not on.

The bloody cheek of it, leaving you to always get up with your DD and not ONCE offering you just his company/a helping hand?

What's more, he can't be bothered to clean up after himself.

Perhaps he'd change his ways promptly if you laid down the law and said you were leaving unless he fixed his actions (and obviously explain what those actions are).

As for leaving you to get the school run ready, the day after birth... I have no words

But he knows how to be nice and helpful and all that jazz, he's done it before. I honestly think, based on the OP's latest, she could threaten to kick him out, and he would be Captain Wonderful until the danger has passed. And every time he reverted to his true colours the threat of kicking him out would have less and less impact until one day he completely stops trying and the OP has wasted 5, 10 or more years of her life on him.

He sounds awful. From your posts, I can't fathom why you're still with him, let-alone contemplating marriage.

Imagine this for 10 or 20 years. Your life will be miserable.

I've no idea, why you're allowing this behaviour? Are you mad? I would have his arse kicked in to shape in no time. You're obviously enabling him to be this way, by not putting your foot down. I can't imagine why you had a baby with him or why you'd consider getting married to this twat. FFS! My DH wouldn't dare be such an arse, or he knows he'd be OUT! I think you can get a lucky escape here. You're not married, you're not tied up financially. Just throw him out! There are loads of lovely men out there who would love to tend to your lady garden.

Unfortunately I think you have had a real life example of how pregnancy triggers men into behaving how they really are.

Decent ones will use it as a reason for focusing on learning to be good dads and partners

Abusive ones will use it to abuse

And pathetic mummies boys well will want you to turn into their mother

Don't marry him. And LTB.
He's sounds like a child himself. And a wanker.

when someone shows you who they are, pay attention.

you say you won't marry him any time "soon". Don't marry him at all. Why would you? What is the point if you have to ask for someone to perform the basic courtesies of life?

if you ask him to change, I expect he will, for a while. But please raise your expectations. Why would you have to ask a decent human being to be an adult FFS?

ilive you are so right. I'm blaming his mum for enabling him his whole life but I'm doing the exact same thing. I'm not very confrontational and do have difficulty asserting myself. When I do nicely tell him we need to talk he gets all huffy and puffy and 'what have I done wrong now' 'come on out with it' and just goads me. I need to stop being such a wimp.

Well, he's shown his true colours, hasn't he? And they ARE his true colours, because his own father acknowledges it.

Lucky for him he's got a doting mother - I'd be sending him off to live with her asap. He is a drain on your life, OP.

Poor you OP
I agree with what everyone has said so far. If it was me, I'd kick him to the far side of next century. If you stay with him hoping that he'll turn back into the nice guy you met, you'll be condemning yourself to years of the same treatment, if not worse. You sound like a nice, intelligent lady - you do not deserve to have your confidence and wellbeing wrecked by this bloke. Also, bear in mind that your DC's are learning what to expect from a 'loving' relationship from you. I'm sure you don't want them to think that this is what's normal or acceptable.

Oh OP your first post made me feel like crying!

He is an entitled arse please don't marry him,he's really not worth you or your children's time and love.

My God I don't know how you've coped with doing it all and being disabled as well I really don't.

We have 5DC and I became disabled myself a year after having our youngest DD,she's my DH's first baby but he has adopted our older 4DC as he is Dad as far as him all 5DC and myself are concerned.

Please know not all men are like the one your living with OP.

My DH was 23 and I was 30 when we met,I wanted to be just friends but he wanted more and pursued me and in the end convinced me and I'm so glad he did .He has been really amazing,I had had two serious relationships before him and they were abusive in different ways and both my ex husband(Father to our 2 oldest DS)and my ex partner(father to our youngest son and oldest daughter)were bloody useless as well,just like what your going through at the moment.

But I wasn't disabled back then your OH is some whole other kind of arsehole.

My DH has had to become the main carer for all 5 of our DC and he's my carer now as well and he's bloody amazing at it.

Two of our DC are also disabled so he really has his work cut out but he gives it his all all of the time.

We lost my Mum just over a year ago and she loved him like he was her own son and he loved her like she was his Mum.He was honestly as devestated as I've been but he's been amazing,he's helped my Dad and still does,he helped sort everything with the funeral.

On top of looking after us he'll take my Dad to any appointments and go in with him and wait with him(even if the wait is hours long at the hospital)he'll pick up his pension for him,run errands for him,clean the house and do the garden for him.

I'm one of 3 but my husband knew I was always the closest to my parents(I'm the only girl and the youngest and the illest)so he always wanted to help them out.My Mum always called my DH her son and that's how she introduced him to anyone that didn't know him and my Dad calls him his son.

When my Dad was in hospital earlier this year(we honestly thought we were going to loose him)he was crying and my DH was holding his hand and cuddling him and my Dad said your more of a son to me and have done more for me than my boys ever have.

That's the kind of guy you and your children deserve,someone that really loves you and the children and who will always put you all first not last.

makes a particular show when he's in front of his mother, who thinks the sun shines out of his arse.
oh god, not another one. It's our responsibilty as adults to overcome our pasts, whether they've been bad to too good, as sounds the case here.
I am so sick of mummy's boys.
And yes, LTB is probably best. Cannot believe what he says/does about labour.....so maybe torture him first, then LTB ;-)
Good luck xxxxx

what have I done wrong now' 'come on out with it'

How about 'you are completely fucking useless and there is no point in me being in a relationship with you'.

Mummy's boys are the worst! My DP is a proclaimed 'Daddys boy' but his Mum thinks Arthur's magical sword was pulled from his arse

If he puts on a show and embarrassed you in front of loved ones, that's a huge red alert alone.

If your relationship was good before DD came along I would make a small attempt to see if you can get back to that. Lay it on the line for him - tell him you're unhappy and why - that his behaviour is unacceptable and you'd find it easier on your own. Make sure you tell him exactly what it is you need from him (they can be a bit thick) Give him ONE opportunity to start treating you right and if he doesn't LTB

I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him. Maybe keep a diary - write down what you are doing and what he is doing throughout the day, eg:

You:
7 - up with DD, cleaning kitchen from last night
8 - getting DS ready for school, giving DC breakfast
9 - school run, cleaning kitchen,
10-11 - working from home, entertaining DD
12 - giving DD lunch, tidying living room

DP
7am - asleep
8am - asleep
9am - asleep
10am - in bed on laptop, breakfast
11am - gym
12pm - work

And so on. It will be hard for him to argue any different when it is written out so clearly. Show him how uneven the division of childcare/ housework is and tell him it needs to change.

If he either refuses to talk to you like an adult or refuses to change his behaviour then LTB.

And you are just now realising this? Don't marry him. In fact, LTB.

No you're right. He's not very nice at all. He sounds awful.

Do you think he is capable of changing or like OriginalWinkly says will he just pull his socks up for a short while before sliding back into behaving like this again?

I'm shocked by the whole list of things but the mocking you for labour bit stands out as especially cruel. He should be in awe of you for that!

It's always the Mums who are to blame though isn't? He is a grown man for fucks sake. He has a Dad who he could have taken as a role model. Stop blaming his Mum. Tell him to shape up or ship out and mean it.

If he's behaving like a dick, then he really isn't that great with your son either, he is setting him very bad example.

The relationship that he had towards OP earlier on was an act; there may well have been subtle signs or even red flags but these went unnoticed because they were so subtle. Abusive men are not nasty all the time but they do nice/nasty very well. They also ramp up the power and control antes over a period of time. This man is only interested in his own self and showing his enabler mother what a wonderful person he is.

Such men if pushed will perhaps make some token efforts but they do not change because they feel both entitled and right within themselves to do this anyway.

You see the reality of him; he is really a loser who has latched onto you for his own ends. I think OP I would not be wrong in thinking that you were actually targeted by him.

Fucking hell.
Run like the wind and don't look back!

Even if he changes his behaviour and does more childcare and housework, that won't change the fact that he has been really nasty. Mocking the OP for the noises she made in labour, leaving her to do the school run a day after giving birth, belittling her very real concerns by acting as though she is nagging, these are all horrible, unkind things to do. He has shown you his true colours. Even if he does another 180 turn, you know what he is truly like now. OP you deserve better!