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Original poster

Husbands affair

70 replies

cherrypiew4 · 08/11/2015 10:13

Just over 4 weeks ago I found out my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for just under 4 weeks. After lots of talking I decided to take him back and give the marriage ago. However I am struggling with just about everything I check his phone laptop smell his clothes I am making myself crazy. We are due to see a marrige councillor this week which he really does not want to do giving the excuse that he does not want to talk about it. He does answer questions that I ask him but I can tell he is getting fed up with me now. I have already slept with him has I decided to just get on with it and I feel it reasures me until this morning when he could not do it at first I thought maybe it was guilt now I am thinking all sorts of reasons for it. He is trying to make it work he holds me, kisses me,
cries with me but I have this feeling something is not right I have spoken to him and he tells me I know everthing and he is not in contact with her. I don't know what to believe anymore this man has been my world and I am really struggling has anyone made their marriage work after an affair.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 08/11/2015 10:45

Anyone?

OP posts:
ThirtyFivePounds · 08/11/2015 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 08/11/2015 10:51

he does not want to talk about it. He does answer questions that I ask him but I can tell he is getting fed up with me now

Unless he's prepared to accept he's hurt you badly and that you have every right to feel hurt and need to talk things through then your marriage won't work going forwards.

It sounds from what you've written that his idea of making the marriage work is that you put up and shut up and he gets to pretend like it never happened.

If he isn't willing to make it work by doing what's needed then you can't try enough for 2 of you. You can stay in that sort of a marriage but at the cost of your sanity Sad

Angleshades · 08/11/2015 10:51

Oh how awful for you. You're probably all over the place at the moment and won't be thinking clearly. There are tons of threads with similar stories to this where other people have been in similar situations. If you google 'hysterical bonding' you'll find some of them. Might help to see how others have dealt with it. Flowers

sofato5miles · 08/11/2015 10:52

You are in the very early days. Boo, if he doesn't want to talk about it, if you want to, he has to.

Take some time, this will not solve itself in either direction in the coming months.

tableanadchairs · 08/11/2015 10:58

too much too soon
Your H has been "forgiven" in his eyes and the fact that you slept with him confirms that to him albeit hysterical bonding. As fat as he is concerned it has all been swept under the carpet.
You need time to grieve, time to reflect on the death of the relationship you thought you had and gather your thoughts together. You don't have to decide right now if this relationship will continue you may decide a few months down the line that you can't get over the fact that your H is not the man you thought he was.
Step back a bit. You don't trust him. At this point you can't trust him
How did you find out and what was his reaction.
If he wants the marriage to continue he must be prepared to face the questioning, the tears the checking up.
There is nothing in your post that says to me that this is a man who wants to make it work with you.

SongBird16 · 08/11/2015 11:09

I'm sorry this has happened to you and have been there myself.

When you feel up to it I would recommend some reading - numerous books and articles out there detailing the signs he should be displaying if he's genuinely remorseful.

From what you describe, your DH is not displaying these currently. Is he sorry, or sorry he got caught?

I forgave an affair and it continued, so I told him to leave.

FWIW a friend recently confided that she forgave an affair five years ago - still anxious when he's away, still checks his phone, unsatisfying sex life and general feeling of everything being spoiled. To me, that's not a marriage.

At the moment you will feel like you will do anything just to put things back to how they were but in time you will realise that they never will be, and will have to decide whether the new reality is worth having.

Everything hinges on his actions now, and he should be led by you. If you feel like he is losing patience, or is going through the motions under sufferance, he isn't sorry for what he's done to you IMO.

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 08/11/2015 11:26

I found out by text mesaage he got one morning when we were in bed Dd had his phone. When I questioned it he said she worked with him, sometimes she texted him cause she is on her own. It took until the next day for him to admit he had been around a few times and they kissed at this point I asked him to leave in the days that followed he admitted to sleeping with her twice. After the decision to take him back he phoned her and told her it was over 6 days later he admitted he had been to see her yet again to say sorry for messing up her life also I found out and he broke down saying he knew he had made a mistake going round but felt he needed to put things right. He has promised me there has been no contact since then. He tells me all the time he wants to be here and wants this life that the idea of a life with her never entered his head. I don't know what to believe he has been a wonderful dh for 20 years and is a good man this is just not him or I thought it was not him.

OP posts:
tableanadchairs · 08/11/2015 11:40

I am sorry but your H has shown you the man he is not the man he thought he was.
He had enough feelings for her to risk everything again to be in touch and to go round and see her to apologise--he had no need to do that at all.

I just have a feeling he is not all over and done yet with OW.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 08/11/2015 11:43

IMO if you don't leave now, you will end up leaving him at some point. I tried to forgive infidelities and stayed with ExH for 4 years after finding out. It just took me that long to get up the courage to leave. (now happily remarried). The relationship will NEVER be the same again. Can you face that? Do you want to? He has deliberatley plotted to see this woman over the past 4 weeks. He's lied to you. He's put his dick inside her. And then come home to you and looked you in the face. He'd still be fucking her now, if you hadn't found out. And why on earth does he think he's ruined OW life? Unless it's been going on ALOT longer and maybe he promised her that he would leave you? Sorry, but I would kick him out, pronto.

Shinyhappypeople9 · 08/11/2015 12:20

You rushed into forgiving him too soon. You should have played a much longer game than this. There is a chance it is not over and he is also minimising what happened. They all do. My exh admitted to one little fling that was when he was drunk etc etc...it came out in the end that there were numerous affairs over the years, I just hadn't found out.

You need to start by asking him to leave while you process your thoughts, stop sleeping with him and only consider reconciliation when he has shown complete remorse and worked hard at making things right. Even then, it's not compulsory to stay!

Your marriage may end up better but it will never be the same. That marriage has gone now.

SongBird16 · 08/11/2015 12:34

I don't think it is a good sign that he went to see her.

He put her feelings above yours, risked everything all over again and for what? To apologise for a brief fling?

This fact alone suggests that it went on for longer, and was more serious, than he's led you to believe. The only way he's 'ruined her life' is if she was expecting a future with him.

He may well have chosen you, but it sounds like he cares about her, and misses her. Whether he will drift back rather than putting in the hard work with you remains to be seen.

HumboldtFog · 08/11/2015 14:06

I'm sure he doesn't want to talk about it, poor lamb got caught didn't he?
To get through this and have a chance of future happiness together, he has to talk about it if you want to. He owes you that at the very minimum.

I think this was more than a 4 week thing. He's working to script. Nothing happened, they just text each other. Then admits to kissing. Then remembers they had sex.
Tell him to leave again. He needs to leave to give you some breathing time. He also needs to be gone until he faces up to what he's done and accepts that he has to talk about it.

I don't think you can trust what he's told you about is is true, I don't think you can trust him to not still be seeing her or to start up again and I don't think you can trust that he's fully committed to you and making your marriage work in the future.

LucySnow12 · 08/11/2015 15:35

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass today! If he wants to save your marriage, he needs to be 100% committed. The thing is, he is probably grieving his lost relationship with OW. Affairs don't start with the first kiss. There is a build up to it. Your H's affair didn't just last 4 weeks. There were months leading up to it where boundaries were crossed which allowed it to progress to a full blown affair. You should examine his behaviour in the weeks - months prior. It was during that time he was probably detaching and allowing himself to get close to OW. Right now he is not committed as he has lied about being in contact with OW. You can recover but there has to be transparency and truth and true courage from your H to accept responsibility for his actions and the terrible hurt they have caused.

LucySnow12 · 08/11/2015 15:45

Fintan is right. It is a fact, Cheaters only admit to what they think they can get away with. Your H probably had sex with her many more times than twice. You need to know the complete truth. Stay strong.

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 08/11/2015 16:28

Right I have been Speaking to him and have asked lots of questions which he has answered. He still insists it was only 4 weeks but escalated quick we were away most of the summer so if he is lying it means it started before July. He said he missed her at first but does want to stay with me and prove to me what a huge mistake he made. I have suggested he leave for a while but he said no and says he will sleep in another room. I am going to look for some of the books that have been recommended.

OP posts:
LucySnow12 · 08/11/2015 16:58

Cherry, for your own knowledge, think about his behaviour BEFORE he claims the affair started. Was he moody, irritable, distant, possessive of his phone? These are all signs of an affair. Your H also needs to understand why he allowed himself to cross the boundary of fidelity. What made him think it was ok. Look up the mumsnet posts of the poster Whenwillifeelnormal. She has written with great insight about affair recovery. I have read a lot of affair threads and I just want to warn you to be prepared that he has not yet told you the complete truth. I hope he has but so often cheaters don't. They minimise. And then each new lie revealed sets the recovery process back. Really wish you well.

HumboldtFog · 08/11/2015 17:00

Ok well the point about getting him to move out of the home is totally wasted if he's just going into the spare room.
That means he thinks you're just punishing him for being a naughty boy.
The point of him leaving for a while is so that you can take time to yourself to think straight and that he can realise what he's actually done, and to give him time to miss you and the life you share together.

He doesn't get it OP. He doesn't get the gravity of the situation.
Good luck.

Potatoface2 · 08/11/2015 19:48

not everyone works to the 'script'....some people make mistakes....everyone has their own story....some marriages do survive an affair

LucySnow12 · 08/11/2015 20:23

it was over 6 days later he admitted he had been to see her yet again to say sorry for messing up her life also I found out and he broke down saying he knew he had made a mistake going round but felt he needed to put things right
Cherry, this statement makes me question the length of the affair. For a four week affair, there seems to be a considerable attachment. After just a 4 week affair, he thinks he messed up HER life! What does he think he did to YOURS! She knew he was a cheater. So he has said there was no contact, no texting, no meetings before the 4 week affair? Have you been able to search his phone to confirm that? Has he even an iota of the pain you are suffering? The betrayal! I have read in the aftermath of an affair, the cheated on suffers something akin to post traumatic stress disorder. He has blown your life apart. He should not be working with her if he still does. You can work through it but your H has to do all the hard work.

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 08/11/2015 20:36

He has said that she worked with him for a while but then left he then bumped into her 1 night coming out of the coop and she asked for his number and that he gave it to her and it all started after that. I have asked him over and over today and he still says it was just 4 weeks. He is now tired and doesn't want to talk about it anymore so he has gone bed and now I am sitting here thinking what a stupid selfish man and that I really need to kick him out. Apparently talking about it is not helping us cause I get upset and he does not want that I give up I have no idea where his head is at. I have told him when I come home from work tomorrow I want him gone.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 08/11/2015 20:45

If he didn't want you upset why did he have sex with someone else then?

HumboldtFog · 08/11/2015 20:51

cherry with him behaving how he is it would be very difficult for the two of you to work through this and ultimately stay together happily.

It's funny isn't it? You know he's a "stupid, selfish man" but he's just gutted that he's been caught.

He said he misses her. What, after 4 weeks?
He doesn't want you upset? Should have thought about that before he shagged another woman. He's caused this, he has to face it and deal with it if he wants to make your marriage work.

Lucy is right: "He has blown your life apart. He should not be working with her if he still does. You can work through it but your H has to do all the hard work."

Potatoface2 · 08/11/2015 21:06

i have private messaged you

LucySnow12 · 08/11/2015 22:30

Cherry, I am so sorry but his actions are not yet of a man fighting to save his marriage. I think it is the right decision that he leaves. You cannot recover, if he shows no effort. Please do get the book I mentioned. I think it will help you very much.

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