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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husbands affair

70 replies

cherrypiew4 · 08/11/2015 10:13

Just over 4 weeks ago I found out my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for just under 4 weeks. After lots of talking I decided to take him back and give the marriage ago. However I am struggling with just about everything I check his phone laptop smell his clothes I am making myself crazy. We are due to see a marrige councillor this week which he really does not want to do giving the excuse that he does not want to talk about it. He does answer questions that I ask him but I can tell he is getting fed up with me now. I have already slept with him has I decided to just get on with it and I feel it reasures me until this morning when he could not do it at first I thought maybe it was guilt now I am thinking all sorts of reasons for it. He is trying to make it work he holds me, kisses me,
cries with me but I have this feeling something is not right I have spoken to him and he tells me I know everthing and he is not in contact with her. I don't know what to believe anymore this man has been my world and I am really struggling has anyone made their marriage work after an affair.

OP posts:

HumboldtFog · 08/11/2015 22:32

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 08/11/2015 22:43

Lucy I have had a look at the book and I am going to download it to my kindle tomorrow. Thank you at this point I am willing to get any help I can.

After talking to him today I am back to been heart broken. I think time away from him for now is the way forward.

OP posts:

LucySnow12 · 08/11/2015 23:03

I'm so glad you will get the book. I really wish you the best. Talk to friends in real life and get their support and comfort.

PowerPantsRule · 08/11/2015 23:42

I think if you are determined to stay with him, you need to give him a shock. You need to get him respecting you and you need to take power. I would kick him out for a bit and see how you feel then.

LucySnow12 · 09/11/2015 16:03

amcclements28 · 09/11/2015 18:45

From personal experience, you can't just believe that it was 4 weeks, you can't believe anything he is telling you to be correct,
This will eat you up for the rest of your life, I know it still does for me, I took him back and he then fucked her in a bar toilet while I was 20 meters away... They could still be in contact, she may well be under a false name in his phone, you will always be paranoid and YOU deserve so much better! You don't deserve to live with someone who can disrespect you so damn much!

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 09/11/2015 21:43

Well he is at work now and tomorrow morning he is leaving and I am deversated we are going to sit the 4dc down tomorrow night and tell them I can not stop crying. Thank you all for your support.

OP posts:

TimeToMuskUp · 09/11/2015 21:48

I'm so sorry, you poor thing.

You sound wonderful, so kind and forgiving. Make sure you protect yourself and don't let his half-hearted limp attempts at reconciliation force you into making hurried decisions.

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 09/11/2015 22:43

Thank you Time

OP posts:

LucySnow12 · 09/11/2015 22:48

So sorry Cherry. What has been your H's responce to your asking him to leave? You still can get through it but your H has to move mountains to regain your trust. I hope he proves himself worthy.

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 09/11/2015 23:05

Lucy he does not want to go before he went to work he said he wanted us to try more than anything that he knows he made a terrible mistake.

OP posts:

LucySnow12 · 10/11/2015 07:13

cherry from what you write, I think your H does want to be with you but I think he is still in his affair fog. I think him leaving can be a catalyst to clear his head and truly realise all he jeopardised. People do make terrible mistakes but you can recover if he shows true remorse and is willing to fight to save your marriage. Do you really believe the affair was only 4 weeks? Was there nothing odd in his behaviour before that? Does he understand why he allowed himself to cheat? Stay strong.

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 10/11/2015 10:53

I have thought back over the summer and can not remember anything odd about his behaviour I have spoken to the ow and she also said it had only been going on for 4 weeks.

OP posts:

financialwizard · 10/11/2015 11:00

I stayed with my husband for 5 years after I found out he was cheating. Then one day I snapped (not literally). I went away for a girly weekend and it was then that I realised what a mug I had been. I can't tell you what made me feel that way I just honestly did. So I sat down and told him I couldn't do this anymore and he asked me if he could make anything better by going to counselling, etc, and I said no I was done.

Ironically he is now adamant I am having an affair. That may be projection though.

LucySnow12 · 10/11/2015 11:39

Maybe it was only 4 weeks, though others have also wondered, at how it became so intense in a short time. And I wouldn't necessarily believe what the OW says. Have you thought back to the time they were working together? Do you find it plausible that within weeks of "bumping" into her outside the CoOp, your H could allow himself to break his vows and sleep with her? I don't mean to harp on about this and keep hurting you. I think you just need to make sure you know the truth so you can move on. I found this old MN thread which I thought might be meaningful for you to read:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1178609-Recovery-after-an-affair?pg=1&messages=25

novemberchild · 10/11/2015 11:45

I just wanted to say that I am very sorry and, if it helps, I am feeling like you. I just found out my husband cheated in February and I'm in my first trimester with the baby he begged me for.

I am still with him, but yes, you feel like shit.

HumboldtFog · 10/11/2015 11:57

Why did you speak to the OW?

She slept with your husband. According to him she made the initial moves. Why would you trust her to tell you the truth? You can't believe a word she says. You can't believe a word your husband says either, his words count for nothing, it's his actions now that are important. Plus they will already have worked on getting their story straight.
But mostly, she isn't your problem, he is.

Him agreeing to move out, albeit reluctanty, is an improvement from his flat refusal the other day. He should be doing whatever it takes to demonstrate to you that he'll put in the effort to make the marriage work and respecting your request for him to move out is the first step.

Jan45 · 10/11/2015 12:06

Good, he needs to go! Letting him stay and pretending all is rosy is not the answer and does not address why he did it or where you go from here, don't make yourself so easy for a man to mess about, you now know he's more than capable of cheating on you, he's shown you that, no matter how good a man you think he is, he really isn't that great.

Take the time apart to decide if YOU actually want him, not the other way around and I wouldn't believe anything he has told you re the affair.

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 10/11/2015 12:40

November I am so sorry for you its shit how are you working through it.

Lucy Thank you for the link to the thread I have started to read it.

Fintan I have no idea why I spoke to the ow it was a stupid decision I made when upset I thought that if she spoke to me she might realise the hurt that they had caused and tell me what I wanted to know. She didn't she was not sorry about anything and repeatedly told me that despite what I thought she was a good person she then put the phone down on me. It is a mistake I will never make again.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 10/11/2015 12:50

A mistake is momentary, a 4 week mistake is planned and pre meditated, I'd guess it was a lot longer. They all minimise and lie about the extent.

Buttercup443 · 10/11/2015 13:04

Please do not speak to OW again, she clearly has an agenda and is probably revelling in the drama. Do not fuel the fire!

Where will your husband stay? Are you sure he won't be staying with the OW? Wouldn't be the first one to do that sort of thing.

I really feel for you, poor thing. Is there anyone who can help you in real life? Could someone stay with you and help you with your dc? Thinking of you.

bjrce · 10/11/2015 13:14

She didn't apologise to you, told you she was a good person and put the phone down on you?????

I guarantee, its not over for her. He is telling her another story.
Don't make it easy for him. Tell him to get out now or its over for good. He needs to feel the consequence of what he's done. Saying sorry isn't good enough, he still put her first by contacting her again.

Also, she's not out of his mind, its not over for him. If you let him stay and everything calms down, he will make contact again only he'll make sure you don't find out. This is an awful situation for you.

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 10/11/2015 13:22

He is going to his parents. Both sets of parents have always helped us out lots with the children but my parents think I am doing the wrong thing in asking him to leave and they will not help out anymore than they all ready do. To be honest I am not sure how I am going to do the practical things on myself I have to be at work by 8.30 tomorrow so he has to come to do the school run in the morning and afternoon. I am due to go in hospital in a few weeks and was looking to him for the help and support around the house and with the dc. I know these are not good enough reasons to keep him here I guess I am worried about being on my own.

OP posts:

HumboldtFog · 10/11/2015 13:22

OP, about contacting the OW, I wasn't having a go at you. I see it time and time again here, the need to contact but it rarely, if ever, has a good outcome. Not to worry, it's done now, but definitely don't have any further contact with her ever.
Please be aware that it happens quite often that cheaters will cool things off for a while when first discovered, but then pick up again when they feel it's safe.

Jan45 sums up well here :
"Take the time apart to decide if YOU actually want him, not the other way around and I wouldn't believe anything he has told you re the affair."

HumboldtFog · 10/11/2015 13:23

xposted with bjrce

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