Husbands affair

[cherrypiew4]

Just over 4 weeks ago I found out my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for just under 4 weeks. After lots of talking I decided to take him back and give the marriage ago. However I am struggling with just about everything I check his phone laptop smell his clothes I am making myself crazy. We are due to see a marrige councillor this week which he really does not want to do giving the excuse that he does not want to talk about it. He does answer questions that I ask him but I can tell he is getting fed up with me now. I have already slept with him has I decided to just get on with it and I feel it reasures me until this morning when he could not do it at first I thought maybe it was guilt now I am thinking all sorts of reasons for it. He is trying to make it work he holds me, kisses me,
cries with me but I have this feeling something is not right I have spoken to him and he tells me I know everthing and he is not in contact with her. I don't know what to believe anymore this man has been my world and I am really struggling has anyone made their marriage work after an affair.

Just because he's not in the house doesn't mean he's not responsible to care for his children. He should be taking them out and doing school runs but should not be allowed in the house though I know that might be difficult at times. The OW sounds selfish, self indulgent and lacking any compassion. It's all about her isn't it. Not excusing your H. I'm really sorry to hear your parents are not supporting you. That must hurt. Can't you explain to them that even though they might not agree with what you are doing, you need their support and love. They should be there for you.

Don't know if you read this thread (not exactly same situation as yours) but I thought the poster Bloodonthetracks had some good insights about recovery. that you might like to read:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2506658-DP-and-EA-with-OW-renewed-contact?pg=1

How are you doing OP?
I have a feeling he didn't move out as promised.

Just want to show support. 8 weeks here after DH admitting his "mistake". I have finally moved back into bedroom, hoping things will be ok. Like you, checking phone etc. You must be still devastated and in shock. I found anti depressants and anxiety tablets from doctor helped. At least kept me a bit calmer, no hysterical ranting. Wish you all the best whatever you decide.

Fintan no he stayed after he broke down crying I could not do it he is in the other room and due to work tonight is the first night this week in the house together.

Januas It's such a horrible situation to be in. I hope things work out for you.

We went to the first councilling session today and although it was hard I am at this moment feeling a little better. However dh is not he cries now at the mention of his mistake and general looks like shit. Which I am over the moon about. Although I didn't kick him out again I did really intend to and I generally think he realised what he nearly lost.

Sorry that this has happened cherrypiew4! Unfortunately I'm in the same boat myself! Found out about my DH affair about 10/11 weeks ago! We are together over 20 years! He had ended it 8 months before I found out. He moved out to give my head space but we've decided to try and work things out. We are going to counselling together and separately. Things are ok.... I'm a bit all over the place. My friends and family don't agree with my decision to give him a second chance and to be honest this is really hindering our progress. I feel really isolated and disappointed in ALL of them including my DH obviously!!! I'd love to move away to a desert island where no one knows me......
I hate not knowing if I'm making the right decision!

woman It's just a horrible situation to be in through out the day I go from thinking I can do this to what the hell am I doing he should be gone. Has it got any easier for you I am only 4 weeks into this. My family and friends have been the opposite to yours and have all said I should give him another chance. My parents got annoyed when I asked him to leave. I hope it works out for you its going to take time.

Cherry it is your choice if you want to give it another chance, don't let others pressure you into things because it makes it less socially awkward for them. I am guessing they liked your husband and don't want to have to admit that he is flawed.

It does get easier - I am 6 years down the track. Fundamental to me forgiving my dh is no contact with OW and him recognising the hurt he caused. Once those 2 things were in place we could them move on - part of that was me having to trust him again. This was the most difficult part for both of us. He had to be more open about where he was and with whom & I had to learn that just because he got a text message it wasn't neccessarily from someone he was shagging. I had to put the affair behind me - it was in the past & couldn't be changed so therefore I couldn't keep throwing it back at him each time we argued about the housework. By the same token he couldn't complain if I came across as a bit distrustful - it was him who betrayed the trust in the marriage.

Unescorted I'm so relieved when I hear people who have come through the other side and are still married.... Successfully! It gives me hope! Thankfully contact with the OW was already cut by the time I found out so I didn't have that to deal with.... I still demanded all his passwords and do check his phone occasionally! He actually changed his email address and closed all social media accounts.

Cherry I feel things are good between us and I can see the huge effort he is making even though I certainly do not acknowledge it or give him credit for it! The counselling is REALLY helping both of us!!!

The family situation I'm finding more stressful to be honest as while they say they will support ANY decision I make he has already been excluded or uninvited from many family events! This puts me in a really difficult position as I feel they are making me choose between my DH/marriage and them! When I don't go without him they then complain I'm excluding them!! I feel so confused and stuck in the middle! At this point I feel it would be easier to throw in the towel as then I could get my life back although it would be at the loss of my marriage!

Thankfully I work and would be able to manage financially ( with his share!) to keep the house and we have a childminder so that's not a problem either. What I've been trying to say to my family is that I don't NEED to stay with my DH, but I WANT to stay with him. I'm exhausted justifying and explains my decision.

unescorted I am also relieved when I hear people have made their marriage work after something like this it gives me hope.

Tonight though I am really struggling I just keep looking at him and thinking I can not believe what you have done I just hope the feeling of being so hurt does go away one day.

I am feeling the same, Cherry. I have known for two weeks, and we have been to two counselling sessions, which have helped. I know he has been making an effort, and we will have a couple of lovely days, but then I will think, again, that he did all this behind my back - going online and almost playing a 'character' that is someone I don't know. That's what worries me.

Yes, he has grovelled, and I have been emotionally very up and down - I'm a few weeks pregnant.

I think it will get better, but...not overnight. I think I need to come to terms with it all. It is getting better, though.

November it's so hard I seem to be following the same pattern few good days then back to thinking about it.

Today has been crap we had a really good talk this morning and I was feeling pretty good and then I saw OW. At first I was going to turn away and not look at her but decided not to that was a bad idea. Got home and she had texted both mine and dh phone moaning how I had looked at her and she just wants to get on with her life I really am fed up with everything tonight.

Why has your DH not deleted and blocked her number..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2289860-support-thread-Marriages-in-recovery

Many of us are in your shoes....see above

This book is brilliant - 17 things that your DH has to do if there is any chnace or recovery -- the ball is in his court - he needs to read this book and act on it..

www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

There is nothing you have to do or can do

God - I couldn't cope with that. I would have the Rage. As I said, I am pg so that makes it worse.

My husband met the person on a 'hook-up' app while on business in the USA. If they were someone known to me, I am not sure I could keep from losing it.

There definitely has to be no contact.

He has deleted her number so have I but I can not find out how to block it I have been able to send messages to the spam folder so all though they are still coming through we are no longing been alerted to them have only done that tonight though. Dh has suggested we change are numbers and all though I agree I just feel so upset that I am changing my life because of his mistake. I have had to change all my school run times so I don't see her and don't want to go into my local shop anymore just incase she happens to be in there.

mulranna thank you for the links I will have a look at them.

November I am struggling with seeing her and I am wondering if maybe we should just move but at the sometime feel like I am just running away from it all. It must be hard for you being pg emotions all over the place it's so stressful

I would move. I would so move.

It is very hard, pregnant or not, I'd imagine. Tonight I had a massive bitchy rant at him, which I know is unhelpful. I feel ok for a couple of days but as soon as I get a day off work, I brood over it.

Hopefully it will get better with time.

Once the trust has gone, the relationship is doomed. Couples stay together but its never the same. You need to decide if it is worth living with someone who you feel the need to check their phone/emails because you don't trust them. Or even worse you don't check their phone/email because you no longer care. Don't spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't put you first.

OP you're too nice!

I wouldn't change my number. I'd inform her that if she continues to message either number she will be reported for harassment and if again she does not stop you will seek an anti molestation order. I'd say as much to my 'dear' husband and watch with interest as to his response. It will be quite revealing as to where his emotional allegiances lie.

to you.

Sassy I had thought of going down the harassment route going to say something to him about it if she texts me again.

Well today I hate him it's just not getting any easier.