Trying to get my head around parents giving sibling a large sum of money.

[SmashingTurnips]

Will try to be brief but not drip feed. My sister through divorce found herself unable to keep up mortgage payments. Sensibly she looked for another mortgage to see if she could get a better deal but she was still going to be really short. Parents agreed to make up the shortfall of not far off 100k. This is supposedly a loan but sibling has no way of paying it back.

I think it is kind of our parents to help but I can't seem to throw off a feeling of resentment. My sibling totally had the option of downsizing to something affordable that still would have been big enough (she has a DC), close to the school and perfectly nice but didn't want to. I get that a move on top of a divorce would have been horrible but surely that is life?

I'm fairly certain that my parents way of thinking is that my sister is getting her inheritance early or something. I had no idea they had so much money and of course it is theirs to do what they want with it. Just feels a bit weird that a sibling is in a house of easily double the value of mine and DHs because of parental help. I think part of the resentment comes from the fact that money given towards a house is also going towards equity so this money is actually also an investment that my sibling will benefit from. The same sum of money would more than pay off my mortgage thus saving me thousands in interest but I would never accept it. I'm amazed that my sibling has cheerfully accepted this help frankly. There is nothing I can or want to do about it other than try to make peace with it so that I don't have an underlying feeling of resentment towards my family.

Thanks for reading and any advice.

Speaking as a parent of adult "children" I can see this from the other side.

If we can see that one of our offspring is struggling, what should we do? Provide what financial help we can, but offer the same amount to the others? What if we cannot afford to do that? - do we not then help the one in need of it? Do we allow bad previous decisions to influence whether we help or not?

It is hard as parents want to be fair where possible.

My Dad died a few years ago and I decided to divide some of his (not huge) legacy between my offspring so that they could have the benefit of it while their children are small and not have to wait till we die. One of my offspring refused it on the grounds that they are comfortably off and did not need it and would rather see it go to the others. I admired that.

I understand your hurt in a way - but is there some history here? - do you feel that things have been unfair in the past?

The other way of looking at it, of course, is that your parents have shown themselves willing to step in when their offspring are in trouble, and that this might one day benefit you.

These money things are so emotional - I still feel resentful that my FIL gave lots of money to his DD to renovate properties to rent; but when he died the remaining money was divided equally and my OH (his son) did not get the equivalent. I do not admire myself for this sentiment!

op and shove - exactly what Corygal says - one day your parents will be old and may need help - make sure you remember exactly how they have treated you when they come calling.

My mum is now housebound, getting confused and has terminal cancer. Although golden child DB does go for a week every 8 or so, he cannot react to emergencies. I have to do that, plus provide support between his visits.
Despite what I found out about money this time last year, and other things that she has said and done, I couldnt just walk away, she would be in a total mess without my help and support.

However, I do keep reminding myself of a cousin's words to me 'Put yourself and your own family first and remember how she has treated you in the past'. I ensure she has shopping, do her admin etc - but I don't physically spend as much time with her as I could, but then I have work, DH and teenage children (both doing exams this year) also needing my time.

You reap what you sow - and yes, I honestly cannot believe that you are still talking to your family, Shove, after the way they have treated to you. I think I could!

That should say I don't think I could

Parents should treat their children equally but very often they don't. I personally don't understand it.

Mishaps - there is nothing wrong with helping one DC and not others as long as there is open communication and maybe some effort to square things up in a will - even if the residual ends up disappearing in care fees, the other DC will at least know that they were considered.

In Ops case, as in mine, it was done totally secretly, and also as Op as pointed out - her Dsis could have still lived comfortably without the large amount given. Similarly with my DB, he thought it was his right that mum helped buy him a house, despite sitting on his backside and refusing to work for the last 38 years!! Mum actually said to me but you have never actually asked me for any money - no, because that is how normal adults live - earning their own crust. She could still have offered something, like you did.

Shove

Have you not looked at the scapegoat/golden child dynamic?

More

^^op too

Mishaps. the DS could have downsized. It was not a repossession, or bankruptcy...
They have given her the money, she will not be refunding. But she could have managed without it
This is about preferred one child, & from my POV it is hugely hurtful.

kath6144 - I do take your point about openness - that would seem to be the crux of the matter.

It happened in ex DH's family too. One sibling was bought a flat and had it furnished for him. The rest of us were told he would be paying it back as a loan but its clearly a lie - he now lives in a 400k house with a tiny mortgage, despite earning only 37k pa.

So of course it was ex DH's parent's money and they can do what they like with it, but equally their children can react as they like and adjust their view of their parents accordingly. I'd like to say DH made his views on the unfairness known and how hurt he was by it, especially by the lieing and his brother being treated as a Golden Child and him being ignored, that it is all out in the open now. But actually what happened is that it made him not want to see his parents much, drift away from them and now he maybe only sees them once every 18 months (and doesn't particularly enjoy it as he doesn't feel loved or welcome).

So, well done his parents.