Trying to get my head around parents giving sibling a large sum of money.

[SmashingTurnips]

Will try to be brief but not drip feed. My sister through divorce found herself unable to keep up mortgage payments. Sensibly she looked for another mortgage to see if she could get a better deal but she was still going to be really short. Parents agreed to make up the shortfall of not far off 100k. This is supposedly a loan but sibling has no way of paying it back.

I think it is kind of our parents to help but I can't seem to throw off a feeling of resentment. My sibling totally had the option of downsizing to something affordable that still would have been big enough (she has a DC), close to the school and perfectly nice but didn't want to. I get that a move on top of a divorce would have been horrible but surely that is life?

I'm fairly certain that my parents way of thinking is that my sister is getting her inheritance early or something. I had no idea they had so much money and of course it is theirs to do what they want with it. Just feels a bit weird that a sibling is in a house of easily double the value of mine and DHs because of parental help. I think part of the resentment comes from the fact that money given towards a house is also going towards equity so this money is actually also an investment that my sibling will benefit from. The same sum of money would more than pay off my mortgage thus saving me thousands in interest but I would never accept it. I'm amazed that my sibling has cheerfully accepted this help frankly. There is nothing I can or want to do about it other than try to make peace with it so that I don't have an underlying feeling of resentment towards my family.

Thanks for reading and any advice.

Op I feel for you, I found out last year that my mum had given DB approx 45K as a deposit towards a house 3 years earlier. Both kept it secret from me but some cousins knew and were sworn to secrecy.

The hurt was immense and still is. Its not about the money, but in my case the secrecy, and as someone else said, cements the 1000s of previous hurts and knowledge that he is the favourite.

Keep strong and know that it is not just you.

I can totally understand the feeling of unfairness, it's not just the money, it's the contribution to a better quality of life, that you don't get for yourself. My PIL gave hundreds of thousands of pounds to my SIL so she buy a bigger house than she could afford. They always said that DH would get similar as an inheritance but have changed their minds. We know it's their money to do with what they like but it is extremely hurtful to him that there is such favouritism.

'Perceiced acts of favouritism'. That made me laugh!

No, I didn't expect be be consulted .

And no I don't think that my sister needs to live in a big expensive house. Although I understand that she wants to because it is her home.

Busyworkingmum, so sorry to hear about your situation. That is really shocking.

Am off out will check thread later. Thanks all

Op - and like you DH and I work and live to our means. My DB has never worked - his wife does but sends most of her money to family abroad as is her culture - so they then live to the means of my mum. Monthly handouts, building up credit card debts and then expecting her to pay them off. He couldnt have bought a house without her help, as he doesnt work, but felt he was entitled to having one and she should help buy him it!

It's the acting out of favouritism (golden child/scapegoat) via gifts of money, which is very tangible and indisputable. It's easier to tackle that than more subtle or covert acts of favouritism. But the excuses made for it are usually in the same vein. I am not saying I would never treat my children differently. But I would want to be sure that I was being fair and considering the needs and feelings of both children.

It's very unfair, most parents don't seem to get the concept of treating siblings equally. This is more than never have new clothes or toys due to be younger though and dreadfully hurtful.

She's obviously used to being funded, first by her husband and now her parents again. Divorce can be awful but you do what you need to survive. For most it means working more or downsizing rather than expecting somebody else to pay so there's no change in life.

It's a lot of money and she obviously had no qualms in accepting it which says a lot.

I'd have to mention it or it would eat away at me

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if I'm saying what others have already said. But in your position I think you need to discuss this with your parents and ask that they adjust their wills to reflect the £100k that has already been given to your sister.

My sister (who is single and has a reasonably low income job), needed this kind of help from our parents in order to buy a house, but it was all done with my blessing and both parents adjusted their wills to make sure that we'll both get the same amount eventually, she's just getting a portion of her share early. This is really the only fair thing to do and I completely understand why you feel resentful. Its not whether you 'need' the money or not, quite frankly, its just about fairness - and your parents have not so far been fair to you. So rather than letting the issue fester I would tell them how you feel and ask that they make sure that in the end the division of their estate is done so in a 50/50 manner. If you can get your sister's agreement (even speak to your parents together), it would be even better.

Something very similar happened to my friend: She got divorced and her parents gave her massive amounts of money to keep her afloat and her children in private schools.

In her case, she was told that this money is coming out of her inheritance - i.e. there will be none or very little left for her when her parents pass away.

Can you ask your father discreetly what if anything he has provisioned for the future re equal treatment between siblings, considering the 100K that has been gifted to your sister?

I think you need to discuss this with your parents and ask that they adjust their wills to reflect the £100k that has already been given to your sister

Omg no no no!

You talk through what they've done and how you feel to ask them to change their wills....

• 'but' to ask them to change their wills...

Don't ask them to change their wills, just talk through what they did and how you feels. It's up to them what they do with that.

But if you wouldn't accept it and she would, what's the problem? You can't judge her for it, she's hardly robbed a bank. She merely to help from her parents so that she could stay in the family home.

Would you accept an inheritance?

As the unfavoured younger sibling myself, I feel for you OP.

As an aside, can i remind everyone that care home fees are currently £4,000 per month, per person, so any parents leaving inheritances need to consider the fact that there wont be anything left to bequeeth if they should go into care, as I found out.

OP, I would let them all know how you feel and leave it there.

I too am an unfavoured sibling and it hurts, very much, but i don;t understand the 'i would never accept a gift like that argument. It is very judgemental.

If i was divorcing and being offered a gift from my parents, i would accept with both hands. If i was the parents, i would be fine having the conversation with the other sibling/s. But then, i would be doing my best to ensure it remained fair unlike my manipulative, dellusional father.

My mother has signed over her house to me.

She doesn't want my sister to find out. No doubt the shit will hit the fan when my mother dies.

This is what is wrong with English people - they cannot discuss money. What is wrong with asking that the OP's parents treat her and her sister equally? Beating around the bush and leaving it up to them to decide (which they've already done, btw, in favour of her sister), will leave her in exactly the shitty position she is in now. IMO she's got nothing to lose by being up-front about this and everything to gain.

Or maybe OP's parents have already put aside an equal amount for her.

She can't find out unless she talks to her parents about it.

I agree that English people are weird about discussing money.

My parents lent me a very large sum of money to bridge a loan when my house sale fell through the day before moving into a new one. It took over 2 and a half years to finally sell the old property and pay them back. It was done openly and with discussion with my sister so she knew too. I wasn't cheerful about it, I felt enormous anxiety about accepting the money.

They've lent my sister money in the past and paid for stuff. Which she's been unable to pay back due to difficult circumstances. So actually, if I really thought about it, she's the one who has gained more...though I never do think about it in that way.

It's never occurred to either of us to be resentful of the support we get from our parents and the way it's differed. We are both in very different situations, I'm divorced, single parent, but retained my house, and large equity, she's married but started on the property ladder much later and has a husband who is out of work. And no equity and large mortgage.

We all support each other and no one ever considered what effect that might have on their inheritance at the time. I wouldn't dream of doing it. While they are alive, their money is to do with as they want. They can spend the lot as far as I'm concerned.

Incidentally, moving after a divorce is really stressful. The amount in costs to move and downsize would have meant spending a lot of money, for not much gain. The children had been through so much in my case, I felt losing their home too would have been the final straw.

I think your resentment stems from the fact there wasn't a discussion about it perhaps?

OP, you need to have this out with DPs and DS, don't let it be swept under the carpet by them. FWIW I think from what you have told us that the gift to one DD and not the other is unfair and you are owed an explanation. Very many people have to move after divorce, you should have been party to the conversations around that at the time.

Your point about health and accommodation costs as DPs get older is well made, and could lead to DPs assets being used to fund themselves before they are eligible for any state or other assistance.

Smashing, I understand your feelings. This kind of help needs to be scrupulously fair. I've been at the receiving end of unfairness and although it hasn't affected my material status, it has always been there.

The other parties were more than happy to take an equal share of the final estate despite having been subsidised to the tune of thousands over many years. Thankfully it was relatively small sums (as a result of it being depleted bailing people out) and not worth pursuing. Had it been £100K, I would have been commenting.

Well yes, obviously I don't mean that she barge into their house, all guns blazing, and demand that they amend their wills

But a discussion with them about this may well lead them to ask her 'So what would you like us to do?', to which case the OP could then say 'I'd like you to make sure that, in the end, things are distributed fairly and the fact that X has already received part of her inheritance is taken into account'.

Hopefully, it won't come to this and they'll be able to immediately reassure her that they've already taken steps to leave things in a fair manner.

Ok, seeing as there is a history of favouritism I think YANBU. Perhaps it would be an idea to raise it with them. Just to show that you've noticed and feel hurt.

Ok this is an crazy idea but hear me out! You can try....man I cant believe I am going say this...but you can try telling your parents how you feel.

My brother was given a barn to convert and 6 acres of land in his late 20s. He's single and still living with parents.

Sister and I (I've been single parent for 11 years), working, no money and 3 children between us, got nothing.

It doesn't feel great, does it?