Trying to get my head around parents giving sibling a large sum of money.

[SmashingTurnips]

Will try to be brief but not drip feed. My sister through divorce found herself unable to keep up mortgage payments. Sensibly she looked for another mortgage to see if she could get a better deal but she was still going to be really short. Parents agreed to make up the shortfall of not far off 100k. This is supposedly a loan but sibling has no way of paying it back.

I think it is kind of our parents to help but I can't seem to throw off a feeling of resentment. My sibling totally had the option of downsizing to something affordable that still would have been big enough (she has a DC), close to the school and perfectly nice but didn't want to. I get that a move on top of a divorce would have been horrible but surely that is life?

I'm fairly certain that my parents way of thinking is that my sister is getting her inheritance early or something. I had no idea they had so much money and of course it is theirs to do what they want with it. Just feels a bit weird that a sibling is in a house of easily double the value of mine and DHs because of parental help. I think part of the resentment comes from the fact that money given towards a house is also going towards equity so this money is actually also an investment that my sibling will benefit from. The same sum of money would more than pay off my mortgage thus saving me thousands in interest but I would never accept it. I'm amazed that my sibling has cheerfully accepted this help frankly. There is nothing I can or want to do about it other than try to make peace with it so that I don't have an underlying feeling of resentment towards my family.

Thanks for reading and any advice.

Are you sure they actually had the money to give and didn't borrow against their house to give it to her? (Not sure how easy that would be for pensioners).
If you can't figure out how they have that sort of money then what makes you think they have another 100k to give you too?
Maybe they have , no one knows people's finances but I think I would have some inkling if my parents had 200k sitting in the bank.

verystressedmum I am interested to know how you would have an inkling of your parents having that much?

A bachelor cousin of mine passed away at the start of the year, leaving his estate to cousins children. He had always lived at home so we knew there would be the house (his parents both died a few years ago) and some savings, but given his and his dad's jobs, and his lifestyle, no one expected the 1.3million that the estate was!! The whole of my extended family (containing most of beneficiaries) was stunned to say the least. Even after inheritence tax and splitting between all beneficiaries, each will get a reasonable amount.

My DS will get his share when he turns 18 this month and my husband was asking earlier whether his parents can know how much DS and DD (2yrs younger) will get. I pointed out that that is a decision for our DC, whether they wish PILs to know.

However, I also pointed out that he has absolutely no idea what his parents are worth or what their pensions are!!! We are not bothered about knowing, but then I think they shouldn't ask about the size of the inheritence (which they have already done once - more out of interest than being nosy - they are v nice people).

Is this a sexist thing? Ie because you are married and looked after, you are fine but a divorced mum needs someone to look after her?

Your sister sounds entitled...I would have no respect for someone taking 100k because of "hardship" while living in a huge house and working part time....the fact that she isn't going to repay them when the house is sold makes me think she is spoilt and self centred. I could never do this...it would be a last resort to get that kind of gift (ie for a life saving operation!).

I'd be livid if my parents did this. I don't even want their money, but would be very hurt. It would be like being punished for being sensible.

I think that you are perfectly entitled to be upset. I would feel the same, it's not fair etc etc etc.

But, you are all adults now. Your parents are allowed to do whatever they like with their money. If they want to go out and give it to a tramp on the street, that is their choice.

While we all expect that our parents will leave us all fair shares in their will, in reality it is entirely up to them and they can leave it all to the cats home if they like.

I would try to overcome your feelings (easy to say, not easy to do) and not let it colour the rest of your life.

I think there's something really, really important that gets lost in the argument "Your parents can do whatever they like with their money" (a Mumsnet favourite), which is that in almost any society you choose, gifts have an incredible burden of meaning above and beyond their 'value'. Gift exchanges are part of the fabric that knits society together - they come freighted with meaning, and in our culture that meaning has something to do with love and care. If one child is treated while the other is left to struggle (note: I said left to struggle, this is a model that assumes the second child isn't a multi-millionaire), then the situation is extremely likely to create an impression that one child's needs and wellbeing are more significant to the parents than the other's, that one child is a princess who deserves to be shielded from adversity while the other is cannon-fodder in life's war. It's not just about the practicalities of the money - it's about the impact of that message, and (if it's not too large a word for it) that injustice - which is an extremely difficult one to receive at any age. I think some parents rationalise it with "You are more resilient than your sibling", but that assumes that everyone has equal emotional openness, which isn't true.

You can explain to them that you feel upset because it doesn't feel fair to you. You are perfectly entitled to feel that way (because it's not fair). Then it's up to them what they do with that information, they can make a decision based on knowing your feelings.

I actually agree with you. I would feel the same way and hope that similar provisions had been made for you so that you aren't left out

OP I really feel for you. I think you are doing the right thing by addressing it, it will eat away at you otherwise.

I have a similar situation with my sister, although no where the same amounts of money involved, it much more about time and help with childcare etc.

My DH says it's the curse of being the competent child, for the most part I get on with things, I worked hard at uni etc and got a good job, financially we are ok and I don't need help of that sort whereas my sister does, so because we appear to manage then help is never offered and if we ask (eg for babysitting) it's met with surprise and dismissal.

But my DPs (divorced and remarried, both of them) are constantly at my sister's house, baby sitting, having my niece for weekends overnight etc. The reason given is that Dsis doesn't get out much (single parent) and needs support.

DH and I have had a grand total of 5 evenings out together since 2.5yo DD was born and our relationship has suffered as a result. My DM did have her overnight once for our wedding anniversary, for which I am grateful. I asked if she might consider having her for 2 nights for our next anniversary, giving 6 months notice, bearing in mind we never ask for overnights or even babysitting anymore, and was told that she would have to think about it because 2 nights is a lot. In the time she has been 'thinking' she has had my niece for 3 full weekends.

It's hard to accept. I know we don't get to put a claim on parents' time or money and I know being equitable doesn't necessarily mean treating everyone exactly the same, but I think sometimes if you quietly get on with life and don't obviously need help you can end up getting forgotten about or ignored.

My parents recently gave my db and my dsis £140k each because they needed it for housing. I got nothing although they say it will be corrected in their will. I have a life limiting illness and am not expected to outlive them - so that is a fat lot of good.

I can see their reasoning. I don't actually need money. But I am still a jealous as hell. It has definitely soured my relationships with my sibs.

Cheby - it's surprising how emotionally tough it is, isn't it? I try really, really hard not to feel resentful of the disparities, but it's a losing battle. I have posted about it on here, but I got accused of simply being 'jealous'. I guess in some way I am, but it also goes so much beyond jealousy.

In my case, my sister is in her mid 30s and has never moved out of home. My parents wait on her hand and foot, and she pays almost nothing to them. She and her partner have very, very good professional jobs, and the arrangement has allowed them to save hundreds of thousands for their dream house (I think they have currently saved arond £250k), while essentially having live-in servants. My sister refuses to move out until she can afford a huge detached farmhouse with land.

It's not the money but the care deficit that hurts. I've never asked for anything, except one time when I borrowed £100 and repaid it the next week. During the last 20 years while my sister was having her washing done and her meals cooked and watching her bank account grow, I've been abjectly poor. I couldn't afford my own washing machine for the best part of a decade so while my Mum was doing her ironing, I was at the laundromat. While she's saving for her dream place, I've been surviving with no heating in single-glazed, low quality rental properties, one of which ended up giving me permanent respiratory problems because it was so damp. While she gets her meals cooked every night, I've gone hungry for days, and had to beg for discarded food from restaurants and supermarkets. When I split up with exP, I had to sleep in my car because my parents were of the opinion that I needed to stand on my own two feet. 'You made your bed - you lie in it' were their actual words.

I'm fine now - have made it on my own, am happily married, have a lovely home that I own, and want for nothing. But I just cannot understand what I've done wrong to deserve such different treatment. I think there is something about my parents just not wanting to see that I have problems. It's like their whole attention is just absorbed by my sister. They don't even buy me presents - just poke a bit of money my way at birthdays and Christmas, because they can't even be bothered with the little gestures. I feel completely extraneous and excluded from the family. One of the worst things is that I think my sister is very actively complicit in this, because she realises that her wellbeing depends on this continuing state of affairs.

I have shied away from speaking out about it, but maybe it's time to say something.

I have had a similar gift from my parents but it was to get my family out of a very bad situation. My siblings get X amount each year towards the interest on their mortgages and my gift is deducted from my inheritance and split between siblings. It was all discussed and everyone knows what we were all given. No one harbours any grudges that I'm aware of.

Transparency and fairness are key in things like this.

Sadly, I think it is very telling that your DPs have failed to discuss this with you. its like they know it's wrong & are keeping their heads down. I have no idea how you broach the subject or how to word it. (hopefully some inspired MNetters will help ...)
Maybe you should start by calling them & asking them if you can come over to discuss something with them. This will get their interest, & show that it is not just a normal social visit. (They may guess, & be ready with answers. defences up )
Whether you ask your sister along is up to you. IF they have borrowed against their house it is NOT OK. & Dsis is going to have to know this. She presumably knows where they got this sum ?

OP, that was a very sad story indeed and Im sorry you've known such hardship in your life.

The bit about your parents thinking you had to stand on your own two feet, can I ask why they thought this, and was it anything do with your circumstances being as bad as they'd been? Do you think they disapproved of choices you'd made and they felt justified in saying - you made your bed now lie in it?

Did you do something they weren't happy about in the first place?

And could it be in some warped way your parents like the control they must have over your sister because there really must be an element of control going on there.

Sansoora - I think you're talking to me (I hope I haven't got the wrong end of the stick!!)

About 9 years ago, I found out my exP had been having an emotional affair that had become a fullblown affair. I found emails from him to the other woman, and he fessed up when I printed them all out and confronted him. However, I didn't tell my parents this because I felt really humiliated by his behaviour. I know that sounds stupid, but (as you can probably tell) they are not the most supportive parents. They always saw things like that as a personal failure and I couldn't deal with their reaction on top of the hurt. When I was growing up, those who were divorced were sneered at as lesser beings who had somehow failed at life (even though their own marriage is full of controlling behaviours). So I kept quiet, got through the first bit, and then told them once I felt a bit less shaky.

By that stage, though, he'd gone to my sister and told them a huge whopping lie that was utterly self-contradictory: I was mad and overreacting to his infidelity, it was just an emotional affair. But he also told them that I was having an affair. So I decided to tell them what he'd done, to set the record straight. But by that point they refused to believe me, and they also made it clear they didn't think he was a violent bully either. They had to choose between the two stories, and they chose his. I don't know why, perhaps because they didn't really want to give me support, because it disrupted their lives? That was when they gave me the 'you made your bed' line, and when I started sleeping in my car for a bit while trying to find my own place. All the other stuff I mentioned happened earlier than this.

I struggled through the divorce and sale of the house by myself, trying to pay my half of the mortgage plus rent on my pretty basic salary. The house sale was hell on earth because my exP - now completely spiteful - deliberately left all the taps on and the plugs in upstairs and went out for the day. It was like the deluge. Fortunately we were insured but it took 6 months to dry the house out from the flood, the plaster had to be taken back to brick, everything then had to repainted. I had to argue hard with the insurance company over every tiny thing. He did absolutely nothing - he didn't even clean. When it was all ready it took me an entire week of hard graft to clean up because it was absolutely filthy. Then the market flatlined and I had to sell at a loss. When he moved out, he took absolutely everything that was still OK in the house. I was left with a couple of chairs and a baking sheet. I still have the baking sheet. I was just too tired to argue by that stage and I just wanted him out of my life.

Interestingly, my parents and my sister supported my exP all through this time - but they now no longer speak to him, because he was 'rude' to my sister. Can you believe it!! He beat me up with a hammer, but they stop seeing him because he was a bit snappy with her.

I basically have no idea why they act like this. My sister is very demanding practically and emotionally and I think they resent any idea that they should give 'more'.

shovetheholly

That sounds awful. I've read a lot on here of abusive spouses and parents joining forces. It sounds like that's what happened to you.
I'm glad you are settled and happy now, but what a rough ride to get there.

I am very, very happy now. It all turned out well in the end!!

But I wish I understood it, I wish I had an explanation for how they think and feel about this. The 'Why?' question nags at me every day. Most of the time I do pretty well at putting it to one side and getting on with life. But when I feel fragile I start 'what iffing'. The question is always 'What if I'm unloveable? What if there's just something wrong with me? Maybe I'm just not fit for human consumption?'

oops, posted to soon - meant to add, that's why I identified so much with your post about babysitting cheby - it's not the actual practicalities, is it? It's the meanings behind them!

*too

FFS!!!

Shovetheholly, that all sounds absolutely harrowing. Just absolutely bloody awful! And Im so sorry you've been through so much.

My mum was a divorcee in a time when it was a scandal so I understand what you mean by those who were divorced were lesser beings.

I think your parents are scared of the strong person you are. You're not like them and you scare them because when they look at you they see everything thats wrong with themselves (and your sister).

I think I would be saying to hell with it all and getting a lot off my chest.

Im glad you're happy now. Very glad.

xxxxx

sansoora - it happened over a few months, so it wasn't all at once, more a drip-drip-drip of one thing after another. To be honest, I wish it had been different as I'm far less strong than you give me credit for. As I think comes over in my posts (reading them back) this all still affects me way more than it should. I'm 38, FFS! I feel stupid that it can influence my mood so much even today.

I think you're right about saying something. This thread has really helped me see that. I shall mull over the least damaging way to do that - I need to be calm.

At least most people now are quite sane about divorce - it's not a big scandal in England except for my parents and a few other nutters. I can't even imagine how it must have been for your poor Mum, when the whole of society made that judgement. Or how it is for people in places where it's still taboo. for them - that really IS strong!

gifts have an incredible burden of meaning above and beyond their 'value'. Gift exchanges are part of the fabric that knits society together - they come freighted with meaning, and in our culture that meaning has something to do with love and care

Brilliant post, shovetheholly - just what I'd been thinking (and have experienced).

OP I can absolutely understand why you are hurt, and I think your thinking it through on this thread shows you to be very balanced & compassionate.

I'm glad you're going to talk it through with your parents. But it's very brave! And I don't know how I'd broach the subject with my parents, tbh. Maybe focus on how the different treatment made you feel, particularly as neither you nor your sister is struggling. That it's not about the money as money, but as shovetheholly says, about what such a gift symbolises, and the different treatment you had when you borrowed for a car (or was that another poster, sorry if I've got it wrong). Maybe talk to them about what it looks & feels like from your point of view

I'd also be worried that they've re-mortgaged their house to give this money to your sister and that this is not a secure or safe thing to do if they're retired ...

shovetheholly

It sounds as though you still engage with your family; I have no idea why ... you're a better, more forgiving woman than I would be in that situation.

And no, don't beat yourself up about it still affecting you: I'm angry on your behalf, and I'm just a stranger on the net.

Shove - best thing I've read on MN. beautifully put - all this 'it's my money to do as I like' is invalidated when you take that right and use it to behave badly. Nobody has rights when it comes to inflicting injustice.

My pil are about to gift my sil with their old car. They are insisting on gifting dh (us) with an equivalent amount. Because it is fair. We don't need it but they will give it anyway.
Have you tried talking to your parents though?

Oh, OP and Shove - at least you're spared eldercare. Make sure you are - because your parents will be first on the phone asking for years of unpaid shitwork.