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Where do you meet decent men?

93 replies

Confused2015xxx · 07/11/2015 18:54

In pubs they all seem creeps just after one thing.
Joined tinder and nobody speaks and the ones that do are creeps.
Where are the nice guys at?

OP posts:
BoboChic · 09/11/2015 09:10

Somewhere where a very strong filter (or even several very strong filters) have operated so that you are sure to be meeting people with whom you have something in common.

PollyPerky · 09/11/2015 09:31

PollyPerky, the issue for me was not a timescale! that seemed normal, it's that he wanted to have sex (I wanted to too) but that he is not even open to the possibility of having a relationship, he is so adamant that he won't have one.

If he's just after sex and you want a relationship ( you didn't explain this in your post) then dump him. Set the bar higher for yourself.

Some men 'just wanting sex' and some women wanting a relationship (and not just sex) is a scenario as old as civilisation.

If men are not interested in the 'whole you' move on.

ReadFox · 09/11/2015 12:18

Yes, I have, well, not dumped him, because it felt a lot more easy going and affectionate than that, but yes we have had an honest conversation where we realised we were at an impasse. It's sad though. Or it feels it right now. I'm not interested in pushing water uphill. But I agree, 'the whole you' is a good way of putting it. I'm not offering little bits of me. I don't want to out myself but I have a number of things happening in the next 3 weeks which will take my mind off him/dating.

Justaboy · 09/11/2015 20:56

ReadFox OK without boring everyone here this is what happened.

A while ago i made a reference to a woman's age that i might be involved with it went like, someone 40 to 50 that i might be get involved with, then i said OK no great shakes take it to be 50 to 60 it wasn't critical. However i have subsequently come to discover that there's a very sore point where with women of say 30 to 40 being expected to be OK with going out or meeting up with men substantially older. Fox made a post saying along the lines of "why do older men feel their entitled to a younger woman or a woman much younger then themselves". Which in itself is fair comment.

I suggested that perhaps she might try to meet up with someone older and she said that she'd set her age limit a bit higher then what she was going to accept. OK that's fine, that's OK that's her prerogative to set that wherever age she likes.

I also upset another poster with a similar posting. Now at that time i did not realise that this situation was the way it was having no experience of what goes on with on-line dating and the male female aspects of that. Now after reading many posts I can now see that this is a very sensitive area for a lot of women and indeed there are a large number of posts detailing that very issue and i have apologised for that.

To chuck further petrol on the bonfire i made it known that i was involved in a may December marriage where there was a 20 year age gap. That was dissolved after 20 years of being together and that was not due to the age gap but issues with country as she was a European national and her profession.

I have had fox refer to her as a "mail order bride" which was totally uncalled for.

I have been insulted and called an "old Goat" which again is also offensive.

As contributors will see this was again taken out of context re the post about the Folk music group where she jumped at me alleging the old goat again and as that happened around 1972 or 3 there was not any relevance to that particular meeting. As she says might i date someone from that time, yes that's possible they will be around their late fifties now and if all else was OK then that is indeed possible.

My stance of this is as i see it is that age isn't the be all and the end all. What is the point of being together with someone just because of her age?. That can imply that i at 64 years i might be with someone of 40 years, or in that area. I ask what would be the point of that if you just did not get on with each other?. I would prefer to be with someone who i had interests in common with and we got on. Simple as that. Anything wrong with that concept?.

I do not intend to bring that up again unless someone asks like they have done on other threads such as do large age gap marriages / relationships work etc. I have been very careful to avoid the age issue and not cause upset now that i am very aware of the sensitivities on the matter.

I do however hope that Fox manages to find someone suitable for her and in that I wish her well, but would ask that she does not take anything i have written out of its original context.

Thank you.

JennyC520 · 09/11/2015 21:43

I used OKCupid. We are now engaged and have our 1st baby on the way. BUT I did have to go through a lot of idiots before finding my great guy.
My friend also found her fiance on OKCupid.

ReadFox · 09/11/2015 22:08

I 'take' things in the context of how you say them. ie, helpfully suggesting that women 2 decades younger than you consider older men. That is not 'helpful'. That conforms to a male agenda. It is in no way helpful to women. It is helpful to men.If you have irritated numerous posters, do you see a pattern emerging. Do you think....... you could be the problem here?

You say ageist things, so the context I take them in is that you say ageist things.

You said you would consider (at 65!) dating a woman from 40-50 . That struck me as delusional knowing how "old fashioned" you are. So the context was delusional

You come out with ageist sexist comments but you won't even stand behind them because you want to believe you are a nice man. Confused You're not. You say ageist, sexist and delusional things. You're ageist, sexist and delusional. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... You offend and then you back track and obfuscate.

I wish you well. I hope you find somebody with a really low self esteem.

You haven't only bored passing readers, you've definitely bored me with your ludicrous manifesto.

ReadFox · 09/11/2015 22:25

Just to clarify, because I was too easy on you earlier, the most annoying thing about you is not how delusional or how ageist you are, or even how sexist because there are a lot of men chancing their arm and trying to date women who are turned off by their advanced age, but that is life. No, what makes you even more annoying is that you come out with these chirpy little recommendations that women go out with older men but you won't own the comment for what it is, a suggestion that suits men more than women. You say that you would like to date a 40 - 50 year old whilst being blind to women of 65 but you are most aggrieved when it's pointed out to you (and not just by me) that that is ageist. You have said that women should be pleasant? I can't remember exactly. But that is quite sexist. Why should women be pleasant? Why women particularly? Should men not be pleasant? Hmmm, so that's it in a nutshell justaboy. What makes you even worse than the average sexist, ageist delusional ol' guy in his mid sixties is that you act like the injured party when your own true feelings are present back to you.

Hope that helps. Because I'm so pleasant I'm trying to help you understand where you are going so badly wrong with being a man.

Threefishys · 09/11/2015 22:41

I met my OH on Tinder - he's lovely and decent - as am I ! Tinder is what you make it. I personally think it's brilliant.

Justaboy · 09/11/2015 23:14

Come on Fox, get yer facts straight I'm 64 not 65!.

You take things in the context that you see them. If you'd stop spraying so much venom on your screen at me that is;!

Yes i did say 40 to 50 then added revised 50 to 60 . I expect that there are men and women within that age band hooking up with men who are younger and older. So what?. of its OK for them then that's fine.

I did say that I now recognise there is some upset re older men suggesting or chasing younger women and yes they do do that it does happen a lot of people on here in several threads have grumbled about that and i did apologise for any upset that I caused in my original lack of the feelings on here.

But i cannot change what they are doing, do you expect me to really?.

As to women that are 65 I don't know any but i do know of two near that age. One 60 and one of 63. Now the 60 year old is an old friend of my first late wife who if she had lived would be 58 her now 60 year old friend who i talk to sometimes is now divorced and very happy by herself which is fine for her. However the 63 year old I'd run off with tomorrow if i had the chance but i won't. Reason being shes married to a good friend of mine who's now 72 I don't do affairs and marriage split ups..

So no it's not impossible. Its not out of my area at all. I have pointed out more than the once age isn't the be all and end all.

As to suggesting that anyone dates anyone that much older i think the original post was something like "would it be a deal breaker if they were a bit older than your described area" after IIRC you were finding anyone or not that many who were in your wanted age band. No way was i suggesting that you consider someone of my age!.

Nope not deluded Fox not unpleasant and where did i use those words that women be "pleasant"?. Please show me where i wrote just that.

Thank you.

Justaboy · 09/11/2015 23:20

Threefishys Good for you:) Did you have the same issues that are experienced with most OLD sites or do you think got lucky quickly?.

Threefishys · 09/11/2015 23:30

To be honest most of the men who messaged me were initially polite ...my responses would dictate the tone really so if they came back with something lewd I would pull them for it and give them a chance to calm down and have another stab at it so to speak!! If they still tried to be crude I would get rid. I don't judge them as not decent just not particularly showing their best side. OH and I got talking on a very similiar level and seemed to mirror each other quite naturally and it flowed. We spoke by text/phone for a month and formed something of a 'friendship' then we met to see if a spark was there - it was Smile we are a year in now and happy and well matched.

niceupthedance · 10/11/2015 07:31

I agree with threefishys tinder has been marvellous. I've been on other sites (and had horrible experiences) but tinder is where I met most men who were up for a relationship (and one who was a one nighter). I'm currently seeing a lovely man I met on there, we are really well matched and he is the epitome of decent.

DearFox · 10/11/2015 10:55

Oh would you ever stop boring the life out of everybody justa'boy'. I am certainly not going to pore back over your posts. Reading them the first time was bad enough. But given that I wasn't the only person who found you so ageist, sexist, deluded, annoying and ridiculous, even if I have judged you a bit harshly, even if you aren't as ridiculous as you are presenting yourself here, it is still an enormous mystery to me and to many others why you would come to mumsnet, a board for women with no tolerance for sexist, ageist older men who can't even stand behind their own views without then attempting to wind it back down to a level of sexism that you perceive to be normal and benign. YOu are not in your natural habitat here.

IonaMumsnet · 10/11/2015 14:33

Afternoon all. Just passing by to ask if we could keep this thread on track, possibly? For the OP, obviously. Ahem. We're not taking notes or anything .

Threefishys · 10/11/2015 15:36

^^ here here

RedMapleLeaf · 10/11/2015 15:53

Hear, hear!

TiggyD · 10/11/2015 19:55

Get a room you two!

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 11/11/2015 00:40

Get a room haha

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