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Original poster

Am I running away

73 replies

AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:00

Just walked out. Sat in a hotel room. Got two children (2 and 5), been married 6 years, together 10.
I'm just so tired. Tired of being a mum, being a wife, being in the workplace. I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I can't deal with everyone needing me all the time, with never having any head space. I can't deal with the cleaning and tidying. It feels like a never ending battle. I don't want to have sex, I'm too tired, all touched out by everyone wanting me and I just want to relax, read a book, go on FB, whatever, I just don't want to give anymore.
I'm tired of the same fight going round and round. Who do more in the house, whenever I ask him to do something it gets turned back on me with how much he already does do and that he picks up after me too. I knew he does a lot, he is wonderful with the children, cooks most meals and does some cleaning. But it still feels as though if I didn't do all the picking up and clearin. Ash that I do the house would be a total tip - dirty, messy, old nappies and clothes lying about, just dirty.
I'm tired of being told I'm mentally ill when we argue, that I'm selfish and lazy and that I only think about me.
I've just been told that I can't run away from my responsibilities and that Im only making it harder for myself.
I'd be happy for him to have the children all week and then I have them at the weekend, I've had enough of them too. I can't cope with the neediness. I don't play with them, I just encourage them to watch to so I can do things I want to do, like tidy the house, do the ironing, play on my phone for a bit.
I'm just so tired. Please just give it to me straight, am I just being selfish and running away. Should I deal with it and just get on with things? I just don't know anymore.
I'm sorry for the rambling I don't know how to say what I feel

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/11/2015 16:08

I did think you were being a bit self-centred until I got to this bit:

"I'm tired of being told I'm mentally ill when we argue"

Are you being told you're mentally ill just for not agreeing with him? What exactly do you argue about?

Robotgirl · 07/11/2015 16:08

You sound completely exhausted OP. It sounds like you rarely get a break and it sounds like you bloody need one!
It sounds like you have little or no support - Have you got anyone to talk to in RL?

Robotgirl · 07/11/2015 16:09

I'm tired of being told I'm mentally ill when we argue, that I'm selfish and lazy and that I only think about me.

Is this your husband saying this?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/11/2015 16:13

If you're arguing about the housework a lot, does this mean you don't think the division of labour is fair and equal? Does he grudgingly do a bit but think he's some kind of hero for doing any at all?

I get the no head-space thing. Two young kids and working full-time can be brutal if you feel responsible for everything even if you're not physically doing everything all the time.

As you're both working full-time I'd be having a think about getting a cleaner if you can afford it. Even if it's only a couple of hours once a week

Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:14

I think i am just being overly selfish and spoilt.

I have dupport, my parents are wonderful, they'd be there at the drop of a hat if I told them, but if I do is feel like such a failure to have walked away.

I do get angry and frustrated. So it's not just if I don't agree. I am told I'm manipulative, have a PD, told today I need therapy. I'm tired of being made to feel my emotions, stresses are ridiculous and trivial. They may be, but they still matter to me.

I'm tired of feeling guilty al the time. For not being supportive enough, for being tired and needing support, for getting stressed about the house, for being snappy with the children

I just don't know.

OP posts:
WorzelsCornyBrows · 07/11/2015 16:15

I'm sure lots of us would love to run away to a hotel for a night. We have a Holiday Inn near us and I've come close many, many times. I've never actually done it though, but then my DH doesn't accuse me of being mentally ill when we argue. Is he always so dismissive of your feelings and abusive?

Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:16

I've asked about getting a cleaner, but been told no. I did try to discuss it, but he doesn't really see why I get so stressed about tidying.

I work 4 days so not quite full time. I'm a teacher though, so lots of evening work.

I do know he does a lot around the house, but yes he seems to feel he should be acknowledged for this, but I shouldn't be? I feel like I do much more picking up and tidying after everyone else, yes

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:19

He works in mental health and sees a lot, I think he compares my over reaction to that. He does listen to me, tries to see my side, but nothing changes. As soon as we have a row it all gets thrown in my face again.
I do love him and know he's wonderful. I can be hurtful too, I scream and shout and get very angry. I just get so frustrated when he wont listen and dismisses me as over reacting

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/11/2015 16:19

"I am told I'm manipulative, have a PD, told today I need therapy."

Even if it was true, it's a bloody unkind way to speak to you. I think he's an arsehole.

Do you think he's telling you these things because he wants you to conform to some rubbish idealised fantasy of wifedom?

Take him at his word and look for some counselling. You can go on your own to Relate. Don't go to couples counselling with him, you'll just give him more sticks to beat you with.

Lweji · 07/11/2015 16:21

It looks like you need a big hug.

I wonder if there may be some depression there, but possibly due to circumstances.

He sounds awful if he talks to you like that.

It's not on that you had to ask for a cleaner. Can you just get one? Particularly if it's you who end up having to do most of the work and child care?

But, mostly, I think you should establish what your boundaries are and what the consequences are for having him break them.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/11/2015 16:23

"I've asked about getting a cleaner, but been told no."

Why do you need his permission?

From your latest posts, I'm now convinced that he's an arsehole rather than just thinking it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/11/2015 16:25

"He does listen to me, tries to see my side, but nothing changes. As soon as we have a row it all gets thrown in my face again."

In which case, he's not listening, he's just pretending to

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 07/11/2015 16:28

Sounds like you need a break OP wish I had advice but I don't Flowers

Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:29

He'd be quite happy if the house was messy, it's that he gets angry when I get stressed - says I take it out on everyone else. I do get quite snappy when the house is a mess, but I really am trying to work on this and he knows this is an anger trigger for me. We have discussed that when I am obviously gettin stressed he should just leave me be, but he just doesn't seem able to, throws things back in my face, questions why I am so wound up etc.
I think he gets hurt and feel criticised when I ask him to do things in the house (like not just chuck things a cupboard, not come in with muddy shoes, not out wet cups on the furniture which damages them), he then tries to hurt me back - the mental health thing.

I don't know about therapy - it sounds totally stupid, but I'd feel like I'd failed at something yet again. ThT I can't even manage to have an adult relationship without needing help.

lewji how do you mean set boundaries?

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:30

So sorry for all the mistakes, sat sobbing to myself and can't always see! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:31

I don't need his permission bitter, but we do tend to make all decisions like that together. I wouldn't be happy if we'd said no to something and the he did it anyway

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/11/2015 16:32

By boundaries, I mean what are you prepared to accept and what you are not. And what will you do.

For example:
Say you need a cleaner (or you'll simply hire one). Non negotiable. Any obstructions and you leave.
He won't put your mental health in question. Ever. The first time he does it, you walk out.

Marilynsbigsister · 07/11/2015 16:34

It's never black and white and his version of events would probably vary wildly from yours so I am definitely not going to get into name calling for a man I have never met. He may be a complete paragon of virtue and you may be a lazy sod who can't be arsed.. You may be working your fingers to the bone whilst he does bugger all and wants a medal for the little he does do. We none of us know, but I know ONE thing for dam sure, I work full time with a lot of children. If I want a cleaner, I get a cleaner and I don't need anyone's permission to do so. You put your foot down on that one OP. !!

Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:34

Thank you, see what you mean

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:38

part of me just wants to go home, i know we'll cuddle, both apologise and carry on. But t it'll all happen again in a few weeks. I don't want to stay in a hotel on my own, but I just don't feel like I'm up to living my life at the moment.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/11/2015 16:47

"he knows this is an anger trigger for me. We have discussed that when I am obviously getting stressed he should just leave me be, but he just doesn't seem able to, throws things back in my face, questions why I am so wound up etc."

So he makes promises that he can't keep and then it all becomes your fault again? That's not nice behaviour.

If he knows that the house being in a mess causes you stress and unhappiness why does he seem so keen to make it a mess?

Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 16:59

He's just generally messy I think, no intention there. Things like not wiping the sides if he spikes coffee, not picking clothes up off the floor, the bed wouldn't get made if I didn't do it, not wiping stage table after dinner, leaving food smears all over the bin, not putting nappies (wet ones, he does put poo ones outside - normally by the back door for me to put in the bin), the list could go on. I know most of them sound really trivial, but it all adds up to a dirty house. If I try and raise it with him I get accused of being patronising and sounding like I'm giving orders. I have said I don't mean to, I have tried to modify my tone, make it a request, I say please etc. However, he always takes it as a criticism, throws back all the timings he does ( he cooks virtually every night, cleans up the plates afterward, helps put the children to bed, does the school run as his job times suit it better than mine, he also often lets me sleep in as he is an early riser and finds it easy to get up with the children, he will put washing on too, rarely folds and puts away, never irons). I then get frustrated as he isn't listening to me and we end up rowing.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIRunningAway · 07/11/2015 17:05

he will help do the big jobs in the house, but the everyday putting things away and keeping it neat and organised he just won't/can't do. He won't even try, says he can't change, this is the way he is and if I don't like it we should break up.
Hes calling asking me to come home for the children. I've tried to explain this is t because I'm angry, it's not a punishment, it's because I need headspace. He doesn't get it, he's told me I should just do whatever the hell I want to do - basically I'm being selfish, behaving like a spoiled child

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 07/11/2015 17:15

This man is abusive. He's determined to rule the roost and keep you submissive, obedient and non-complaining, that's why he keeps doing the things you've asked him not to do and keeps insisting that you are mentally ill if you argue with him (because women have to obey the Man Of The House and if they don't, they either need to be punished or must be drugged into compliance). You're not supposed to have any time for yourself because as far as he is concerned you don't have a self - you exist to service him and the children.

I would not have jumped straight to this conclusion of not for the fact that he has forbidden you to hire a cleaner. He wants to make sure that you do the domestic shitwork, because that's what you are for and you need to know your place.

scallopsrgreat · 07/11/2015 17:17

Oh sweetheart you sound like everything is on top of you. And it's not surprising.

Calling you mentally ill, dismissing your stresses and feelings is unacceptable. Totally unacceptable.

You aren't being selfish. Everyone wants a piece of you and it's getting overwhelming. That is completely understandable.

You know what. You don't have decide anything right this minute. You should perhaps let him and the children know you are safe.

As for the cleaner, why wouldn't he agree to something that would make your life easier?