Am I running away

[AmIRunningAway]

Just walked out. Sat in a hotel room. Got two children (2 and 5), been married 6 years, together 10.
I'm just so tired. Tired of being a mum, being a wife, being in the workplace. I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I can't deal with everyone needing me all the time, with never having any head space. I can't deal with the cleaning and tidying. It feels like a never ending battle. I don't want to have sex, I'm too tired, all touched out by everyone wanting me and I just want to relax, read a book, go on FB, whatever, I just don't want to give anymore.
I'm tired of the same fight going round and round. Who do more in the house, whenever I ask him to do something it gets turned back on me with how much he already does do and that he picks up after me too. I knew he does a lot, he is wonderful with the children, cooks most meals and does some cleaning. But it still feels as though if I didn't do all the picking up and clearin. Ash that I do the house would be a total tip - dirty, messy, old nappies and clothes lying about, just dirty.
I'm tired of being told I'm mentally ill when we argue, that I'm selfish and lazy and that I only think about me.
I've just been told that I can't run away from my responsibilities and that Im only making it harder for myself.
I'd be happy for him to have the children all week and then I have them at the weekend, I've had enough of them too. I can't cope with the neediness. I don't play with them, I just encourage them to watch to so I can do things I want to do, like tidy the house, do the ironing, play on my phone for a bit.
I'm just so tired. Please just give it to me straight, am I just being selfish and running away. Should I deal with it and just get on with things? I just don't know anymore.
I'm sorry for the rambling I don't know how to say what I feel

Thanks for supporting me solid. He does try to give me headspace - that's why i get the lie ins. Although TBH I might start to forget them as I have them thrown in my face every argument. He organised a movie night for us last night, got me my favourite cider and chocolates. I was too tired to enjoy it though and fell asleep! My fault, he did ask if I wanted to do it tonight when I was less tired.
He doesn't expect me to the cleaning etc, he'd do things like clean the bathrooms and kitchen if I didn't. He just doesn't understand why I get stressed when the house is a mess.

That's made me cry all over again scallops. Thank you. He does know I'm safe, I've told him I'm in a hotel nearby. He's a bit angry I'm wasting money on it TBH.
He wants me to come home. Thinks I'm doing this as a "punishment" to make him see how angry I am. He doesn't get I just need space

So he works in mental health and tells you you have issues when you're arguing. So tell me, does he raise any concerns about your mental health or PD when you're not arguing? I guess not, so he needs to stop doing it when you argue, it's incredibly manipulative and designed quite deliberately to shut you up.

He thinks a cleaner is too expensive (we don't have that much spare cash each month) and that we're not "that kind of people", think he means it's a bit snobby to have a cleaner!

No he never mentions it when we're not arguing, he readily admits he says it to hurt

Agree with SGB as well!

Have you thought how the whole domestic chores/childcare might be easier if he weren't around? Especially the former?

Yes I have scallops. I've wondered if it would make me less stressed, would I then be a nicer mum as I would feel better? But then they adore their dad and he them. Sometimes I think it should be me who changes, I should care less about the house and get one with things. That would solve the problem too

You sound low and exhausted, poor you.

If he was actually concerned about your health - and not being horrible and seeking to manipulate you - then he would be raising it with you in a caring way, not in an argument.

Having a night or two away is not leaving anyone. Please don't make any rash decisions about potential custody of the DC: you need some rest, time and space.

Thinking about it analytically, does he do a fair share of childcare and domestics?

Get a cleaner! If he gets angry about it, that's further evidence that he hasn't got your best interests at heart.

Would also recommend counselling, alone.

Using MH as an insult is very nasty and manipulative.

It's worrying that you are so down on yourself OP.

It does sound as if you are obsessed with the housework a bit - how does it take up all of your time if he is doing most of the cooking? I can't see the housework and childcare aspect being easier if he goes, far from it - life as a single parent is hard. It struck me that you said you don't play with your children but you want to play on your phone - do you mean that?

You have somewhere to stay tonight, so take a break and have a think about things - you may find it easier when you have a bit of space. But tbh, I think you'd find life as a single parent much harder than your current setup. That's not to say you should stay married at all costs, but I don't think your DH is the source of all your problems.

He's called again, I need to come home, it's not fair on the children. I can't just book myself into a hotel for a night, it's not what people do. He's saying he's tried, he's trying to meet me half way, he's asked me to come back home.

It's all my fault again, I've let everyone down, I'm being a bad mum, it's me perpetuating the argument. He just won't see it's him too

I know fizrim. Part of me leaving was that I really don't feel like I'm a good mum to my kids. I really do try with them, but I struggle to enjoy playing with them, reading endless books etc. It sounds so selfish and I know this is the life I chose for myself. But I just want time to do the things I want to do. Not come home from work have to pick up after the children, sort their clothes for the bext day, tidy the house so there's not stuff everywhere, finish off the cleaning of the kitchen, put the children to bed (I'm still breastfeeding my daughter so I have to do it every night) then sit down and do school work, then go to bed. I'm up the next day, I get them ready for school/nursery, say goodbye to everyone and dash to work (I sometime take my son to school so my husband doesn't have to drop both) work all day, come home and repeat.

I think you need to lay down some boundaries OP.
You're exhausted. You're unhappy. Things won't change unless you sit down & have a serious chat & negotiate with your husband (who sounds selfish, manipulative & unwilling to listen btw)

If he doesn't have money for a cleaner, then he has to keep the house tidy.

When you are prepared to go back, insist that it is tidy and clean or you don't even unpack.

I'd worry that he says things to hurt you and admits to it.
Loving partners should be able to argue without hurting each other. When they do it I don't think their relationship is working, and I'd doubt they actually love each other.

You seem convenient to take care of the children and the house, though.

This man works in mental health? That is really shocking.

First of all, please don't ever say to him that he can have custody of the children. This can be used against you later, when you might feel completely different.

One thing I'd try to do, OP, is to stop breastfeeding now. I think that can be really exhausting, particularly when you're working full time. If you were less tired, you'd be less depressed.

I wonder whether you have PND. Sometimes it's not recognised until quite a while after the birth. You might find that talking to a sympathetic doctor would really help you.

The thing about teaching (compared to his job) is that leaving the school premises doesn't mean it's the end of your working day. THAT'S why you need a cleaner - it's not as if you're leaving a 'normal' job and coming home and having to tidy the house, you have to tidy the house knowing you're going to have to work for hours later on.

I'm sorry but I really don't get this sympathy-fest. OP'S DH gets up with the kids, sorts them out for school, does the school run, cooks every meal...then works full-time in mental health environment..OP has a lie in... and he is 'abusive'. Really I despair of MN sometimes..But it's still all too hard ? Sorry, that's called having kids, working and running a household. He sounds to me like he is pulling his weight...

So, you just ignored the rest?

he cooks virtually every night, cleans up the plates afterward, helps put the children to bed, does the school run as his job times suit it better than mine, he also often lets me sleep in as he is an early riser and finds it easy to get up with the children, he will put washing on too,

This ^ is without doubt the actions of an abuser..

There is all this you have missed.

I'm tired of being told I'm mentally ill when we argue, that I'm selfish and lazy and that I only think about me.
I am told I'm manipulative, have a PD, told today I need therapy. I'm tired of being made to feel my emotions, stresses are ridiculous and trivial. They may be, but they still matter to me.
I've asked about getting a cleaner, but been told no.
I feel like I do much more picking up and tidying after everyone else, yes
I ask him to do things in the house (like not just chuck things a cupboard, not come in with muddy shoes, not out wet cups on the furniture which damages them), he then tries to hurt me back - the mental health thing.
He's just generally messy I think, no intention there. Things like not wiping the sides if he spikes coffee, not picking clothes up off the floor, the bed wouldn't get made if I didn't do it, not wiping stage table after dinner, leaving food smears all over the bin, not putting nappies (wet ones, he does put poo ones outside - normally by the back door for me to put in the bin), the list could go on. I know most of them sound really trivial, but it all adds up to a dirty house. If I try and raise it with him I get accused of being patronising and sounding like I'm giving orders
But I just want time to do the things I want to do. Not come home from work have to pick up after the children, sort their clothes for the bext day, tidy the house so there's not stuff everywhere, finish off the cleaning of the kitchen, put the children to bed (I'm still breastfeeding my daughter so I have to do it every night) then sit down and do school work, then go to bed. I'm up the next day, I get them ready for school/nursery, say goodbye to everyone and dash to work (I sometime take my son to school so my husband doesn't have to drop both) work all day, come home and repeat.

He is doing his bit. If the house is still untidy, don't ask. Just get a cleaner. Sorry, I am probably several decades older than you OP, but have 8 children and have worked full time since the eldest was 3 months. I think that the things your DH is doing are definitely up to the mark. I disagree with the 'your mentally ill' stance but I imagine that's said out of pure frustration. You have children, you need to be there for them. Yes it's tough and exhausting, but they grow and life gets easier. If you don't like/love your DH then leave. If you want a relationship with your children then go for fifty fifty parenting. If you don't , then just leave him to it, he sounds more than capable.

He said no to a cleaner...

You need a cleaner, you really, really do. We were you last year run absolutely ragged. There was not a minute free in the day and we were exhausted. The difference having a cleaner has made to outs lives is immeasurable. The cleaner comes twice a week one day doing ironing, changing beds and putting away the children's clothes and the second cleaning the house. We now have recovery and indeed family time at the weekends. We actually have fun. I think you need to get your DH into some form of counselling with you to set some boundaries for your communication re the name calling and being unreasonable about getting good help in your home and take it from there.

Yes, I have read the rest, it's all about the bloody house not being perfect. He works full time. OP works 4 days. If he is doing the school run, the washing and every meal I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to do some tidying ! But if she doesn't want to then just get someone in. Just because a man gets upset and frustrated at his dw does not automatically = abuser.

Doing school runs doesn't mean someone is partner of the year. Besides, Teaching is a job where it is v difficult to do morning school runs, and it sounds like OP does the evenings, which are far far harder.

OP, you are having ONE night away. The DC should be fine! He shouldn't be (successfully) seeking to make you feel guilty about it.