Am I running away

[AmIRunningAway]

Just walked out. Sat in a hotel room. Got two children (2 and 5), been married 6 years, together 10.
I'm just so tired. Tired of being a mum, being a wife, being in the workplace. I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I can't deal with everyone needing me all the time, with never having any head space. I can't deal with the cleaning and tidying. It feels like a never ending battle. I don't want to have sex, I'm too tired, all touched out by everyone wanting me and I just want to relax, read a book, go on FB, whatever, I just don't want to give anymore.
I'm tired of the same fight going round and round. Who do more in the house, whenever I ask him to do something it gets turned back on me with how much he already does do and that he picks up after me too. I knew he does a lot, he is wonderful with the children, cooks most meals and does some cleaning. But it still feels as though if I didn't do all the picking up and clearin. Ash that I do the house would be a total tip - dirty, messy, old nappies and clothes lying about, just dirty.
I'm tired of being told I'm mentally ill when we argue, that I'm selfish and lazy and that I only think about me.
I've just been told that I can't run away from my responsibilities and that Im only making it harder for myself.
I'd be happy for him to have the children all week and then I have them at the weekend, I've had enough of them too. I can't cope with the neediness. I don't play with them, I just encourage them to watch to so I can do things I want to do, like tidy the house, do the ironing, play on my phone for a bit.
I'm just so tired. Please just give it to me straight, am I just being selfish and running away. Should I deal with it and just get on with things? I just don't know anymore.
I'm sorry for the rambling I don't know how to say what I feel

Really you think that this is about her not wanting to pick up a few things every now and then? Things that he should be picking up/putting away mind you.

And what about him calling her mentally ill, refusing to get a cleaner, refusing to tidy up after himself? At what point would you call abuse? Perhaps when he hits her?

Thanks ladies, don't waste time arguing over me please. I'm home now, multiple calls from my mum and husband mean I'm back to help with the children. He's taken tomorrow off work to take them to a party so I don't have to and I can have a break.
We're not talking right now, I think he's too angry with me for going out and I'm just too sad. I've had a look at relate and think I'll book some session with them. Just me at first, but maybe we can both go later.
Thank you all for your support and advice (and I do mean all of you). It's given me plenty to think about. You helped to prop me up at one of my lowest points and were there when I just needed to talk. Thank you for that

OP, he works in mental health and when you have a row he tells you you have a mental illness?

It doesn't occur to him that you may need help? A quiet conversation with you, some compassion? and if he really thinks you are ill, why hasn't he got you some help?

Please tell me he's not a psychiatrist or therapist.

I think if your DH works full time and does a lot of cooking and some housework then you are bloody lucky. He sounds as if he has lower standards than you with housework but then IME most men are this way.

I am sure he doesn't mean he thinks you have a mental health issue. he's clearly frustrated by your nagging but you both need to sit down and behave like adults, and work out a way to share the load .

But running away to a hotel on a Saturday night and deserting your DCs and saying you only want to see them at weekends does not sound exactly errr.... healthy to me. It sounds as if you DO need therapy because at the very least it's an over -reaction.

I know how you feel. I had 2 DCs with 2 years between them, and a DH who worked away a lot, and no family nearby to help out. But you buckle down and talk about it and find an answer.

Please go and see a doctor. You sound exhausted and maybe depressed. I have both been there myself and lived with someone suffering from those things. When I was ill I felt as you do now, a failure. I wasn't but I needed some help to me manage my own expectations of myself and to help me get better. I am not excusing your H but when I lived with someone who was exhausted and unwell that was also really hard. Looking back I did things that I am ashamed of in response, but its hard to be a saint. We split and I regret it. We could have worked through it. Three years down the line we are taking baby steps towards a reconciliation. Might work, might not. Just be very sure your life will be better without him rather than your life would be better if you took steps to sort out your self and he did the same.

Good luck AmI

Remember you don't have to put with being called mentally ill and you have choices.

I'm not leaving him or the children. I just sometimes think they would be better off without me. Not having to walk on egg shells in case mummy snaps and over reacts. I'm very aware of my failings I just don't know how to change them. I know how lucky I am that my husband does as much as he does and how supportive he is. I feel he doesn't think I support him and drag him down with me; I don't think this is the case. I try to support him in all he does in work, at home and with his running (he trains for over an hour everyday and does events throughout the year, including g the Tenby ironman).
I do think I do the lions share of the housework and that rubs. Maybe I'm mistaken, maybe I need help in seeing this. I do need help in controlling my frustration and taking it out on others. Hopefully relate will help with this.

What people usually mention here is how much free time both have. Is it the same at the end of the week or month?
Do you get time for your things, as he does when he goes on his running? Do you get one hour to yourself every day like he does?
Do you take the same time away from home as he does when he goes on those events?

We've just talked about that. He agreed that I do need time to myself, but that it's up to me 'to make that happen'. I don't even know what I'd do with myself for an hour like that and don't know if I could cope with the guilt of being away from the children that long each day on top of work. They are so attached to me (as most young children are their mum). I also don't think I could cope with the state of the house when I got home!

We normally go with him as support on the events

You really shouldn't feel guilty.

Maybe not one hour per day, but certainly have something that it's only for you and when you can relax.
Be able to watch a tv show with no demands on you, or read a book. Perhaps when they are asleep, or he takes over for one hour (and tidies up too) after or before he goes running. But everyone needs some time off.

You know, I dont think I like the sound of your husband. Maybe you should go for counselling.
If nothing else, it would help you communicate better instead of just getting angry and snappy.

"He's just generally messy I think, no intention there. Things like not wiping the sides if he spikes coffee, not picking clothes up off the floor, the bed wouldn't get made if I didn't do it, not wiping stage table after dinner, leaving food smears all over the bin, not putting nappies (wet ones, he does put poo ones outside - normally by the back door for me to put in the bin), the list could go on. I know most of them sound really trivial, but it all adds up to a dirty house."

Is he a grown man? Why can't he do these things? This would drive me MAD!
A cleaner is non negotiable.

That's what I'm hoping eminado. Maybe if I can get my point across better he'll understand more. Maybe it will help me to change my faults too

Thank you scallops, I did say that tonight. We'll see if it gets thrown up in the next argument

I'll give it a try lweji, even if it's just 30 mins lying on my bed with a cup of tea and my book - sounds heaven!

Maybe, but beware that he is not manipulating it.

I agree with some comments about not obsessing so much about the house.

For example, making a bed is not that important, as it should be aired. Unless it's so messy that you need to make it again to get back in it.

But, otherwise, it is easier to keep things fairly tidy and clean than to let them go really bad. I don't think it's obsessing, unless you are cleaning things that are already clean.

Well OP you can only work on yourself you cant take responsibility for someone else's behaviour. If you work through things with a counsellor, learn to control your temper and housework expectations and communicate better, but he still acts like this then you will know where the problem lies.

Organise cleaner tomorrow!

And the name calling/MH accusations with no basis are completely out of order. Tell him if he does it again even one more time you're gone:
That is appalling and I am pretty sure he knows that. Shameful behaviour. Ask him if he does that his patients? Unless he has valid concerns which he would like to articulate clearly and calmly, he is being a total dick randomly bringing that up in arguments.

You sound so exhausted. Reading your posts it does,sound as though you are servicing everyone and you are a teacher too. We have a cleaner. We don't earn much at all (l'm on minimum wage) but we made it a priority, not snobbiness, but an investment in our relationship. Also it is so lovely to get home and see that something has been done that I do not have to do myself.

I'm also sure he ends up spending a bit going for races elsewhere. Which could help the family instead by using some of that on a cleaner. It's all about priorities.

He has agreed to look into a cleaner/ironing service. Hopefully I'll be able to convince him to give it a go

OP If you earn a reasonable amount working 4 days a week as a teacher, (and I know how much they earn) why on earth do you need permission from DH to employ a cleaner?

Do you need permission to do everything?
I agree that household expenses should be mutually agreed but there comes a time when one partner sometimes has to make a decision and take control. Why don't you just organise it? What are you afraid of?

Reading your posts I think the kind of help you need is assertiveness training - which might come via counselling or more 'relationship coaching'. Your reactions are typically those of someone who isn't able to communicate their needs calmly, but you allow the niggles to build up then explode- or 'run away' to make your point.

I don't think that this 'mental health' label he puts on you is so terrible as others are trying to make out because we all say things to partners in temper- like 'you're mad, you're off your trolley, you're bonkers. you've got something wrong with you...'

I don't think people mean this when it's said in temper and frustration.
Im not minimising it but without hearing the tone and seeing the context it's hard to judge.

Why don't you agree a time to sit down together with a glass of wine, or a cuppa, when the kids are in bed, and draw up a list of chores. Then divide it between you fairly, then decide which jobs a cleaner would do? For me it would be 'big' things like window cleaning, floor washing, ironing and hoovering whole house.

You might be married to an arse, it's hard to tell, but you need to improve your communication skills too and ask for what you want in a calm and assertive way instead of flouncing off every now and then. Maybe you also need to think about work and reduce your contract if it were possible to a job share or a 0.6 post if you can afford to.

You realise the cleaner isn't going to happen?
Not if you hope to convince him and he's looking into it?

At the very least book one for at least a month and see if it makes a difference. Mention going back to the hotel a whole weekend.

Can you arrange for the children to have a regular sleepover with a grandparent? That would give you 'me' time and the chance to re-charge the batteries. Even if it was only once a month it would be something.