Has anyone ever reached a point where they feel life hasn't turned out as expected and you feel a bit of a failure or like time has run out.
I look back on myself and see I had so much promise as I was starting out. I had a wonderful and long lasting first love and fantastic school and career success with great friends and a lot of happiness in my late teen years and then it all went a bit pete tong.
I ended up travelling through my twenties for work, which I loved and gave me a lot of experience, and I also ended up getting pregnant by a largely abusive and scary man and went through a very difficult pregnancy and have been a single Mum for 12 years now.
DS is the light of my life, but obviously it's been hard. No support ever from his Dad. Hard to continue with my career. Money always a struggle through those 12 years and have never had any savings or bought a house or paid for a holiday or bought a car.
I feel quite sad that I didn't end up with more children, always wanted a big family, and also that I haven't beeen able to share parenting or being in a family with a partner.
I did meet someone and fall in love when DS was 5 and we were together, happy for 5 years then he jilted me at the alter which was hard to get over.
I am here now, about to be 40 soon, and I feel deep sense of sadness at the fact that money is always so tight, DS is quickly growing and wanting less time from me, I feel no financial security, and along the years most friends have married and have families of their own.
Most of all I am sad I never met the one, or got married. It was an important part of the hopes I had for myself and I feel quite sad.
On the surface I think friends and people around me look at me and see someone very happy and fullfilled. Most friends would tell you they are jealous of all the fabulous dates I go on, or my "fun" job and free life but it's really very lonely and all I ever really wanted was a bit of security and stability.
The last three men I have dated in the past year all turned out to be emotionally unavailable nightmares who have strung me along, and I have felt frustrated and lost a lot of self esteem. As the big FOUR ZERO approaches I am considering putting dating aside completely, letting go of feeling so disappointed by people and trying to make a life of my own that fulfills me and makes me happy while it does not include marriage and the setup I'd hoped for. Focussing on my job to try and build a better financial future.
Has anyone got a life like that?
I am afraid in a few years of DS going to uni and me being all alone and not having a full life. I do feel at this point that I am not going to meet anyone who's right. It might be that just isn't going to happen for me.