Husband Popped out and didn't come back

[Justdisappointed]

I received a call several hours later to say he'd left me and needed time away. We have a 5 year old DD who is bewildered. He says he's going to return and "sleep" in the family home next week "while we decide what to do with it" this was by text and nothing since last week. I don't think there's an OW. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to lose my home. Do men ever come to their senses and return to the marriage?
Neither of us has been happy for months in fairness.

You need to be the one to file for divorce. In England, whoever files for divorce gets to make the other party pay costs if they want to. Don't let him have this power over you. You don't have to make him pay but at least he can't make YOU pay, either.

Tell him he can't live in the house and go at the weekend - too confusing for DD. As such, he needs to find himself a new place and OH BTW I HAVE CHANGED THE LOCKS.

Though you may want to check whether you'd be in trouble for that.

I don't know where you are based but my DH had a superb lawyer when he got divorced. That was in South London.

Get onto the joint account now and download as many statements as you can. They will show his wages going in and they are good enough proof of his income to use against his Form E (the financial disclosure form that you will both need to fill in for a divorce) if he lies about his earnings.

Do it now, tonight, before he freezes the account and you can no longer access it. Also, if he gets bonuses and you can remember any details, make note of them, also of any perks such as private healthcare etc.

You are right, he planned this and lied to you, so you need to assume the absolute worst in terms of his behaviour from now on. Never say "oh he wouldnt do that". Assume that he will and plan for it. Its the only way to protect yourself.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst and keep the faith, we will be with you every step of the way

Changing the locks is technically not ok until you have an occupation order, but in all honesty, it wont be worth it financially for him to challenge this so I would risk it.

Do not let him back in.
He is probably cheating but either way he's a coward and a fuckwad.
Legal advice ASAP!

Most men with arguements, etc in the marriage when there's a child especially would be prepared to consider counselling, etc rather than say that splitting up is the only option.

It does sound like there's an OW, sorry. Are you sure he's been down the pub when he says he has? Or even if he has been in the pub is he sat there texting her?

I agree I would change the locks, don't let him in. See a solicitor. Women ive known in this position have got to stay in the home until youngest DC is 18yo.

You tell him he has dd every other weekend. He doesn't get to leave all the weekends to you. He will have to find himself somewhere to live with space for dd. He doesn't get to spend time in your home looking after her.

You had some excellent advice so far. I'd add that if you can't remove your name from the joint account, see if you can get the overdraft limit reduced to the amount you are overdrawn now, so at least he can't run up more debt. And if that account is funded by payments from you, stop them if you can.
He must be quite an underhand sort person to behave as he had done, you are right to be preparing yourself for more nasty behavior, take all the steps you can to protect yourself.
There's no good reason why he should call the shots re contact and staying in your home. You'll feel stronger if you are in control over these things, and you will need to stay strong for your daughter.
I am sorry that you've found yourself in this position, its horrible for you.

This is quite sad to hear, I'm sorry that this is happening to you, I haven't been divorced, but I have had a very nasty break up which includes children and Child support, please remember that things will get dirty, so don't allow him the room to try and make things bad for you financially. You will need to remain one step ahead at all times, it will be emotionally tiring, but you will end up in good stead by the end of this.

He sounds like a coward, and it sounds like there's an OW, good luck to them cos he doesn't sound like much of a loss xx

Re: the joint account.

Dont say anything to him about closing it.

Download the statements etc, but dont mention it to him. Given that you have both used it as his personal account, he may have forgotten that you have access to it. As long as this is the case, you can keep an eye on his spending and see what he is up to.

I think it is possible to set a joint account so that each acc holder has to agree to the overdraft, so you may be able to limit debt that way.

I think that after you have downloaded bank statements and spoken to the bank, your next step should be legal advice in order to get an occupation order. You need to cut off his ability to come and go as he pleases.

Sorry to hear this last revelation.
It may, or not, be an OW. either way he has planned for this exit. clearly in a very immature & selfish manner.
You readily agreed that you were frequently arguing, over pub, or whatever it was. So he is one step unhappier than you, & I think the main thing to remember is that it's better over now than slowly degenerating over years. His going to the pub is more important than home life with you & DC. He is a child.
So try & keep acrimony aside, & keep it as civil as possible for DD.
Take a deep breath before speaking...!
Do you know where he is sleeping?
Call in support from your RL family & friends. & if you are communicating by sms/mail keep the messages

Thanks all. Will download the statements today. I have been tracking his movements via the account and the mortgage and most bills go out of it - to which I contribute a set amount. The crucial thing is if he intends to keep paying his half of the mortgage I think. Remember my comment about the win win? I think I win if I get rid of the horrible bastard.

Have you had any communication about this week/weekend nonsense?

From what I recall of DH's divorce, precedents are really important when it comes to settlements. So basically you need to push NOW for what you want at the end eg his paying half the mortgage and some contribution to bills as child maintenance etc.

Don't rely on verbal agreement from him on anything - get written/email confirmation.

Where is he living OP? When he has your DD does he intend to come back to the family home to spend time with her? If he gets himself a flat, can he afford it or would affording his own place mean he defaults on your mortgage payments? These are the kind of questions you need to be asking yourself to stay one step ahead of him and so he doesn't spring any nasty surprises on you.

• Download statements (from credit cards too, if you can)
• Speak to your bank and tell them what has happened
• Find the best divorce lawyer you can (do you know anyone who's got divorced? Ask them if they'd recommend their lawyer. Do you have any lawyer friends? Ask them for recommendations)

Just I am wondering why you are not commenting on the very real possibility that there is another woman. You have only just found out he has left you and at some point all this will hit you

Have downloaded statements for a year so salary records are there. Have spoken to a lawyer, have got through seeing DH today in a calm and rational manner, he's agreed to EOW, and to defer telling DD. She was so happy to see him. For me the best thing would be to have changed the locks but I don't believe that's the best thing for DD.
Blodss you may well be right but I just need to cope with what's happening now. Have just got a shit hot new boss and am worried for my job also as quite a few people have been made redundant recently - that would be the final straw.

Sounds as though you're doing brilliantly Just. You're about to learn that whatever happens you have the strength, resourcefulness, creativity and resilience to deal with it. I promise you.

What does it mean, no change of locks? If it means he's just walking in without knocking and an invite then I don't think that's a good idea (from what I've read on here).

for you OP.

This must be tough but you've taken all the right steps very quickly.

Good luck OP, you sound incredibly strong.

Yes he is walking in as he is doing pick ups for DD so has to be able to get in. I want him to feel it is still the family home and that he is invested in it. I was reassured enough by what the lawyer said to think that I can afford to be a little generous now. If he doesn't pay his share of the mortgage however then that will definitely change

Glad to hear it, Just.

If it works for you then that's what matters obviously. There may come a time when you want it to be more your home than the Family home.

Your being very strong Just.I did think that as he is paying mortgage that you are not allowed to change the locks

I haven't posted for a while as I've been working through things. DH was being very supportive and quite communicative last week and I thought we were making progress towards a reconciliation. Over the weekend however he has reverted to being cold and non-communicative. I have pushed him on the point of where he is spending Christmas and he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to spend Christmas with us. What kind of monster doesn't want to see their six year old on Christmas morning? So I have booked tickets to see my family in another city. They all know what's going on and have been supportive. Last night I asked him if he had another woman, he said no but I'm certain he was lying. It does all fit really. If someone else were in this position I would tell them: of course he has another woman! Why would he risk losing everything? Anyway, we have a Relate session next week but I think we are headed to divorce.
I've been checking the bank accounts and he paid the mortgage this month so at least that's something. I don't want to take over being the sole payer on the mortgage until it is documented that any equity increase from that point will belong to me. (London house prices are ridiculous)

Going to Relate can still help you with the separation - though I can imagine it will be hard if he is not being upfront about his real emotional state.

What reason did he give for not wanting to be there on Christmas Day?

It's good to hear that apart from that, it seems like things are moving forward ok -at least in terms of practicalities. Hope your DD is ok.