Husband Popped out and didn't come back

[Justdisappointed]

I received a call several hours later to say he'd left me and needed time away. We have a 5 year old DD who is bewildered. He says he's going to return and "sleep" in the family home next week "while we decide what to do with it" this was by text and nothing since last week. I don't think there's an OW. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to lose my home. Do men ever come to their senses and return to the marriage?
Neither of us has been happy for months in fairness.

Spot on jackanora

OP, like other posters have said, please do not let yourself be blown around by your DH's whims and unilateral decisions. He has the control here. Please take some back.

jackanora
Excellent posts!!
I am in awe of your writing/reasoning.

To you and OP so sorry this has
Happened to you.

OP please print Jacko's posts and keep re-reading them. Even if you argued night and day there is no acceptable justification for leaving your wife and child by text. None at all.

Sounds like he may have someone else though and is possibly staying with her.

Justdisppointed what he's done is awful; he's abandoned you without explanation, and also your daughter. Does he no longer love her as well?
His behaviour is emotionally immature & very selfish. As an adult parent, he should be there reassuring his DD that he loves her and will always be there for her, not just abandoning her for what who ever.
So, now he's given you time.
Get your ducks in a row.
Get:-
Financial Account Statements
Property documents
Marriage documents
Corporate records
Any contracts, or legal/business/financial agreements,
Passports yours & DDs
Income tax documents
Photos: of you as a happy family, you decorating your house to add value; before/after house pics
Email, it's the diary of your life, back it up on hard drive or USB
Receipts and invoices; a bank account shows what was spent, a receipt shows what it was & who spent it.

He's really done a number on you. Don't expect him to be caring when he does contact you, be ready for him to threaten & tell you what you will & won't get. Be ready to protect your DDs & your own futures from him.
See a solicitor

Also, look up the threads by WellWhoKnew
And
TheFormidableMrsC
They went through he'll, but they got out the other side.

Hell, Kindle!

Just heard from DH - he's heading straight into work tomorrow and will pick DD up from school. Says splitting up is the only option as it's not fair on DD to be witness to all the arguing (most of which is about him going to the pub however). He's planning to share the childcare but will go away at weekends "to give us space". I still don't want to split up but I shall contact a solicitor tomorrow as I'm determined he's not going to dislodge us from our home. Frances I agree that's sensible - after what happened to my mum I've always kept my finances quite separate - the home and pensions are probably the only things that are joint assets. I've been through all our documents whilst he's been away, made a list of what household bills there are, cancelled my gym membership and made plans to trim my budget.

You sound very calm. How are you feeling?

Not read the whole thread yet but my friend went through similar. Her legal advisor said that once he'd left the home he couldnt just swan back in as and when it suited him because she was entitled to a private life.

You can also get leave to remain in the house until your child is 18, which stops him being able to force a sale. He cannot enter the house. He can only force a sale once the child is legally adult.

I would empty the bank account and have your name taken off anything joint, so he cannot run up overdraft/ credit card bill that you are legally liable for. I onow posters will say that half the money is his but he has buggered off and left you with a child and childcare expenses, so I say fuck him!

See a solicitor about claiming half the pension - you may well be able to get this without trading equity in the house. You def need legal advic to establish which is going yo give you the best value if you do decide to trade.

jackanora - I do feel calm actually. Mostly I ascribe that to this being the "phony war" however. I've had to keep things together for DD this week. Good to hear about the leave to remain - I think I'm in a better position than I originally thought but will take steps on the legal advice. The joint account is used by him alone and it's already overdrawn which I realise I'm liable for as well. Credit cards are all in separate names and not linked. For all I'm really keen for us to make a fresh start I'm also not prepared to be had over. I'm trying to see this as a potential win-win - a) we make a fresh start and are happier than before or b) we split up and are happier than before.

Remember to call the council and tell them you are the only adult in the house now, you will get a discount on your council tax.

OP Sorry , know this is hard but please be prepared for another woman. Men don't generally leave home unless there is someone waiting in the wings. Sounds like he is having an affair

Get yourself taken off that joint account before he adds to the debt. Then at least your liability cannot increase.

Are you happy for him to pick up your DD from school tomorrow ? Where is he taking her ? Where is he living now ?

Well what a fine specimen.
So he plans to live there in the week easier commute I assume ? then go off to gf at the w/e ? Not much point in him coming back then is there?
He just abandoned you with your child, & you continued to cope emotionally & physically with DC/Job/shock/pain.......
Please seek a family legal to advise pronto.
Sorry, this looks hopeless & just prolonging your & DC's misery.
Also, before he starts counting his sheckles, the split is more probably 60/40% in your favour, as you are resident parent.

If he is planning on moving back in, I would negate that sharpish. Even with the 'don't worry I'll fuck off at weekends and leave you with all the out of school childcare so you don't get a life at all and I can do what the hell I want without having to worry about a 5yo'

Selfish twat.

Get legal advice. Before he just tells you how it's going to be and you roll over with the shitty end of the stick.

Sorry but it does sound like there's someone else to me. I hope not but please prepare yourself.

he's told you that as far as he's concerned splitting up is the only option and you're not listening to what he's saying. He's not interested in a fresh start - not with you anyway. sorry if that sounds harsh.

make copies of all your important documents and keep them somewhere safe, preferably with family/friends. I wouldn't put it past him to snoop through your things and take them. Re the joint account, get your name taken off it asap and take two thirds out of your joint savings asap too. You can't trust him not to screw you over.

Also, please immediately change phone & computer log ins, & disactivate any "cloud", & obviously bank log in info he may know. or sharing that you/he may have set up. as he is no longer to be trusted

I think that Dont is right, the "fresh start" is likely to be a strategy that your brain has come up with to cope with the unimaginable.

he's heading straight into work tomorrow and will pick DD up from school. Says splitting up is the only option as it's not fair on DD to be witness to all the arguing (most of which is about him going to the pub however). He's planning to share the childcare but will go away at weekends "to give us space".

And your reply is "No, that doesnt work for me"

He left so he stays gone, and you do the standard EOW plus one night in the week access. He buggered off, he doesnt get to dictate what happens now, stand firm on this.

And yes, it does sound like there is an OW. The initial "Lets see how it goes" was probably him checking that he had a place to go every weekend (or checking that she leaves her OH if she was in a relationship). As it is he is planning on using your home as a week day crash pad and spending his weekends with her. Sorry :(

And your reply is "No, that doesn't work for me"

And you may not want to do that, because you want to stay reasonable, partly because you are a reasonable person and partly because you feel that if you can just remind him how incredibly reasonable you are he'll come back to you. Only that's not going to work.

Is your calmness partly shock do you think?

OK so just had a last look through all our documents and there are none of his there at all they've all been removed - used to be loads of his payslips etc. so he's planned this. You are all of course, right. I now need to rethink and there is only one way this can go. My poor poor DD.
I almost feel sorry for him at how hard he's going to get shafted. Still I can chick him a quid when he's begging on the street.

Justdisappointed he has definitely planned this. As I and a few others have mentioned already, he most likely has another woman and this is why he has left you rather than the the reasons he has given you.

This may change the way you are feeling now and can be devastating.