Anyone else get pi$$ed off with their dh/p because they do eff all and know eff all about anything going on in your house??

[brimfull]

Dh doesn't know what I've got for the children for xmas,won't know until they open them.He doesn't know where dd goes every night,'cos I do all the lifts(ie dance ,music ,kickboxing class.He's too tired .He seems to go into a trance when home,plays with ds ,eats dinner ,then goes to bed.He goes really early because he has to get up so early.Sometimes it feels like he's a guest.
I may be expecting too much here.Does yours get involved in the day to day running of the house?
He was shocked last night when I said he should wrap his nieces present ffs.

Think I may be due on??

DD's birthday party is one week before Christmas. I am run off my feet doing everything.

His contribution to the party will be to buy beer and drink it. Ditto Christmas actually.

Although I have bought the most massive wooden kitchen that takes 5 hours to build apparently, so actually I suppose we'll balance it out. He'll have to build it in our funnel web spider lair too, so actually now I've thought about it a bit I'm starting to feel a bit better about it all.

Oh so glad, but also appalled, that it's not just me! Had a 'moment' the other week where DH spotted I'd Googled 'The Lazy Husband' as my oldest friend had recommended a book of that name . He was VERY upset. Mind you, for a week or so thereafter, he was also very helpful! Thing that gets me, time and again, is that I don't want him to 'help'. I want him to take his share of the responsibility for things.

Drove me mad when we first had DD as he'd never been a paragon before that, but for a while there (what with BFing and whatnot) our positions were polarised about 1000000 per cent. Got it back to sort-of equlibrium now, but it's not perfect. HE HAS STILL NEVER CLEANED THE LOO .

I wonder why I put up with it, too. In my case it's because I think DD needs a father around - but it did get to almost-splitting-up stage earlier this year . (Not just housework, other stuff too.)

(Sorry for the screed!)

pmsl 'The Lazy Husband', I'm going to google it now.

If I DARE ask DP to do something, if he doesn't reply 'in a minute', he'll say I'm very crabby, am I due on? Absolutely not, I couldn't be more cheerful, in fact, why not come closer so I can cheerfully punch you in the face you lazy arse.

I love your name maycontain!

Wish I had thought of it.

I've only been here 3 months but I've seen variations of this topic coming up again and again. It seems that there are vast numbers of women unhappy with their "lazy" husbands, which is quite shocking really. Obviously we never get to hear the DH's side of this, so it's hard to judge.

Would like to ask the OP - do you both work? I think that does make a difference. If you both work equal hours in equally stressful jobs, then sure, agree to divide up the housework and chlidcare. But most people on here, it seems to me, have a DH who is the main or only wage-earner, and if that's what he does he will consider that his role unless told otherwise.

It often sounds as if people don't actually sit down and agree who does what. You don't need rotas or things divided up absolutely equally, but if a man has got in from work at 7pm and is absolutely knackered, then, I'm sorry, he WON'T be putting the washing on unless you ask him to.

I used to have a female colleague who was very bad at saying No to extra work; she didn't want to be seen to be a lightweight. Eventually, she devised a stratagem: to say a variation of, "Yes, I can do this additional thing X you have asked me to, but it'll mean that, realistically, Y may be late as a result and Z won't get done at all." She got a reputation as someone who more than pulled her weight without taking on more than she could cope with.

This, perhaps, is what will happen. If the DH is working long hours as the main earner - and there is an awful lot of pressure on him to perform financially - then you're asking him to scale down his work in order to do more around the home or even have a day with the kids. If he's in the kind of job where he could do that, then seriously consider it. Could he work 4/5 of his hours? More to the point, how would you like him to be bringing home 4/5 of his current income? Could you adjust to that? If not, then that perhaps tells you a lot about your true priorities.

Yes, women - often unfairly - sometimes see men as feckless layabouts. But men - again often unfairly - can sometimes just feel like they are being treated as a meal-ticket. A little give and take is required, and lots of TALKING.

Planet Bloke out.

Unquiet Dad, I do agree with what you've said for the most part.

I work full time and so does my DP. I do the lion's share of everything. He uses the 'Man' card to say he doesn't know anything needs doing until I ask, then he'll complain I nag.

Then he will forget what needs doing.

Its impossible. If I want an argument on a loop, I keep going, otherwise I do it all myself.

I agree with maycontainstress. DH and I both work full-time outside the home and yet I still end up taking most responsibility for what goes on inside the home.

Do you have any tips, Unquiet Dad? It's really good to have a male viewpoint on here. Interesting what you said about your colleague and saying 'No'. I'm extremely good at managing my workload (and that of thirteen staff) at work - but at home??!! LOL

Yep another superwoman here Not be choice.....

VWW - absolutely spot on re. the "helping". My DH says quite often "what would you like me to be doing?" if I say "hoover" he turns his nose up. He's really not as bad as some of the other DHs on here, but it does drive me to distraction that he expects me to organise his time for him when he's at home at the weekends.

Then he'll say things like "we haven't really got anything done today, have we?" on a Saturday, say. And I'll look around and think well, everyone is washed/bathed and been fed and has clean clothes on. The shopping's been done, the washing's been done and hung up, the dry washing's been folded and put away, the three year old's bottom has been wiped, endless snacks, drinks, games, pens, paper, glue, (for the artistically prolific 5 year old) have been located and handed out and tidied away again, all by me.

I am just so so so so determined not to bring my DS up this way. He has an older sister and I've already caught my DH asking her to do little errands around the house for him, while it wouldn't occur to him to ask DS.

Fumes. Off for glass of wine and a fag.

Unquietdad,It's not so much the housework ,I realise as a sahm that is my job.It's the fact that he doesn't consider all the extras as anything to do with him .I'm talking about organising b'day/xmas gifts,getting the children to their various activities etc.All these things may not sound like much but at this time of year are quite stressful.
He doesn't get in late,5ish.I don't really think what I'm asking for is going to affect his working life to any great detriment.And an interest in these things would probably sometimes suffice.
He has know idea what the children will be getting for b'day or xmas until they open them.If I was working fulltime I know I wouldn't be like that.

I agree with you that I do need to spell it out to him.

Also, when I was a SAHM, that was harder work than being at work. I used to ask what sort of day exh had had and he used to say "no point asking what you've done all day, looked after the kids". Git.

Staying at home with LO is bloody hard work, whilst we appreciate that the DP/DH might be working during that time too, the home is a shared environment.

I'm no angel for getting ratty and he's a lazy arse. I'm getting a sticker chart for us BOTH

I've done my time as a dad at home, admittedly for only two days a week at a time, and I have to say I found it piss-easy compared to office-work. And before anyone asks, I didn't have any mother/MIL or anyone round to help, either.

I'm sure a lot depends on the nature and age of the child, though.

If the things you mention "get done" regardless then your DH won't see it as his job. He may be home at 5, but you can bet he hasn't switched off - you bring a day-job home with you mentally, even if you don't physically bring paperwork home with you, or whatever. Saturday's really the only day you get completely free of it, as Sunday is spent dreading going back.

if a guy does a 9-5 office job, then please DO NOT tell me that is more stressful than being at home with the children.

I was a project manager for a bank and my dh is a practice manager for a chambers. we both done long hours, b ut i done a 4 day week. so we mucked in together to do things every night and on my day with the kids id do a bit more ironing etc etc.

now im a doula, and at home with the kids alot more, so i do more. itsg enerally done when he gets home (8pm). If i want something done that i dont want to do (i.e. getting something from loft, sorting sometihng out in the garden) then ill ask him tog et that done by x......

it is give and take.

but the MAN card is b0ll0cks.

As for staying at home 2 days with the kids.........i bet you didnt think about the housework, dinner, shopping, bills, car tax, x school fees, calling nan, etc etc........

Ahem.

"if a guy does a 9-5 office job, then please DO NOT tell me that is more stressful than being at home with the children."

All I can say is, I've done both - which many people haven't - and I know which I PERSONALLY found easier. Anyway, most office jobs are more like 8-6 these days, and that's only the time you spend physically there.

i bet you didnt think about the housework

Did actually.

dinner

Did actually.

shopping

Did it together actually

bills

always do anyway

car tax

don't think it was due while i was on duty

school fees
What are they? We do state schools here. And anyway, dd was only 2.

calling nan, etc etc........
I call my mum most weeks. MIL calls DW usually.

Point was?

if anyone is fortunate to do a 9-5 then good luck to them, but please dont use the MAN card on arriving home.

I truly dont believe your other half didnt do a thing for those 2 days wwhilst you done everything and thought of everything.

great for you if that was the case.....but im guessing you are more in touch with your feminine side if your on a chat board with mums.

p.s. school fees = preschool/nursery

"I truly dont believe your other half didnt do a thing for those 2 days whilst you done everything and thought of everything."

Did I ever say she didn't?
We communicated about it. I don't imagine it ever works out 50-50, as one person always does more of some things and one does more of others. I always do the bins; DW always does the ironing. For example.

unquiet dad, if you've spent two days a week looking after the children then you haven't done both! I found being home with them 5 days a week was much harder than my five day a week office job, not so much because of what I did every day with them but because I did it every day with them! It's the sheer unrelenting daily grind of childcare that is hard.

My dp works 4 days a week and cares fro them one day. He does everything I would do on that day gladly but can do it because he knows he can escape to work the following day!

I am sorry but i have done both too, i worked full time in an office 9-5 before i had my children, i now am a SAHM with 2 children under 5 & it is alot harder.

My job looking after children does not start at 9am & does not end at 5pm it starts about 6am i suppose does not end really cause dd is up in the night

Being at home with the kids 5 days a week & then all weekend is alot harder than just doing 2 days, if i was only doing 2 days then off to a job for a change i would love it.

I don't think you can say looking after children is easier than a 9-5 job, try looking after them for 7 days of the week 24/7 then say that!

Can't win, can I? I did two days a week with the children and worked three days, which is more than most men ever do, and yet all I get is "oh you don't know what it's REALLY like, blah blah blah."

DW is a teacher, so over the summer break she gets to experience a taste of what it's like being a round-the-clock SAHM. She swears it's easier being with the kids than working as well. She can't understand why her SAHM friends moan so much.

you don't know what it really like because you don't do it all the time with no break. Neither does your wife. It's not that hard to grasp is it?

Unquiet dad - im with you! i do full time work (8-6) 5 days a week, and my dh works at 5.30am and gets home 9pm, 6 days a week. When i have a week off with the kids it is absolute bliss, and a hell of a lot easier than working, and rushing everywhere to collect the kids!! on my evenings i manage to sort shopping, bills, school letters,invites etc and do a load of washing. the thought of having 5 whole days EVERY week to do all these chores seems like heaven!!!
i used to be a sahm for 6 years so ive lived both sides, and even then i thought my life was VERY easy - and had to study constantly just to keep myself entertained!!!!
By the way my dh helps out a lot, otherwise he wouldnt be my dh!

trying to manage both a job AND children is hard.

doing one OR the other is obviously easier, as you are only doing ONE thing.

However since I have been on both sides of the coin I'd say working is easier than children 24/7.

This is one of those debates that will never end!!!

My DH is a bit like a lodger that loves my kids.

I am completly resposible for anything to do with them and he doesn't have a clue.

I have 2 jobs and a small business on Ebay, I am working 5 mornings a week ATM but it doesn't matter if DH is going to work early late or not at all it is still me that has to make sure the kids get up on time, eat something and get dressed. He makes vague attempts but has no concept of the morning timetable and thinks if I tell him ethey need to finish eating by a certain time I am nagging him, NO it is the facts!!!

Sorry rant over.

Was discussing this with other mums the other day and most seem to resign them selves to the fact that the are solely responsible for all aspects of kids and home life.

unquietdad and frenchconnection, you must have easy/older kids!

Mine got of his arse and helped last night, I nearly fell over.