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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP has walked out - how best to cope with the children

78 replies

ditherydora · 03/11/2015 23:31

my "D" P left this morning after a row. He said I would not see him again and neither would the DDs - who are 8 and 4. I have no particular reason not to believe him. I probably should have name changed but I have had too much to care.

So, if he has gone for good, how do I minimise the fall out for the kids. The youngest wont be that bothered, I think, but DD1 adores her dad.

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Original poster

ditherydora · 03/11/2015 23:32

I should probably add that my own childhood is no use as a guide as my dad fucked off on various occasions and I don;t have positive memories of being a kid generally

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Mangobubbles · 03/11/2015 23:36

Poor you that's awful. I haven't got much advice but hopefully someone will come
Along soon and help. Definitely let the school know though as they will be able to keep an eye on your children whilst they're at school. Good luck

PowerPantsRule · 03/11/2015 23:40

What a git. Has he done this before?

Original poster

ditherydora · 03/11/2015 23:41

Thanks Mango, so glad someone is awake so its not just me and my Rioja. I will tell the school but I was hoping he might come round and get in touch. But hey, he's said he won't so why should I think he'll change his mind. They are both such fucking awesome kids too. DD1 just got an award for basically being the kindest kid in school. I hope this doesn't ruin her life

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knickernicker · 03/11/2015 23:42

I'm sorry you're in this situation. If he's said he doesn't want to see DDs again, then it sounds as if they're better off without him. And perhaps you've had a lucky escape too.
I imagine there all be lis of Internet articles, books that give advice about how to help kids handle a parent leaving.

Original poster

ditherydora · 03/11/2015 23:55

Power - interesting you should ask that. Kind of. He sort of tried to leave when DD was 2 (just a month after my mother died) but we had a huge row and he stayed. And he did something similar before DD1 was born.

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Original poster

ditherydora · 03/11/2015 23:55

Will check out the internet too for advice. i never really thought I would be a single parent.

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Happyminimalist · 03/11/2015 23:59

If there is even the faintest chance he might come back, tell your DD's he's having a long break away from you. You can volunteer more information as things become clearer.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 04/11/2015 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 00:09

thanks. I'll try and find that book tomorrow. It is really difficult as I don't know if he really has fucked off for good or if he will turn up at the school gates tomorrow.

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SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 04/11/2015 00:18

Hope for the best plan for the worst.

But, if he flounces because you have had a row and uses the kids as a weapon (which is what he has done by saying he won't see them. What exactly have they done to deserve that?) Pethaps you and they migh5 be better off without him.

Is he often an enormous drama llama?

A proper grown up might leave. They might well be out of touch for a few days. But they usually sort out the coparenting for the sake of the kids. Of he won't then ge does nit deserve them and they deserve better.

Lots of kids grow up in single parent families. It is not the end of the world.

You needto start sorting out finances etc. Just in case. Do you have joint accounts and do you have enough to get by for now? What is your housing situation?

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 00:22

thanks Small. No immediate crises on finances. We jointly own a house but I have enough savings and a reasonable (but not massive salary). The total fuckwit has also jacked in his well paid job today I believe, so I will get no financial support from him.

And he is a complete drama llama. He dropped the house keys on the floor when he left, after I had ranted at him for half an hour.

I Just can't deal with it him anymore tbh.

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Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 00:24

and my pal and sister who I have both spoken to today have said the same thing about using the kids to get to me. I mean, seriously, who parents for 8 years and then decides I can't be arsed with this anymore?

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Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 06:33

bumping this as feel panicky and wondering if anyone is around to hand hold. I am missing P desperately.

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Malamutes · 04/11/2015 06:44

Hi Dora, only here for a bit as heading to work but will happily hold your hand. It is so early in the morning, so hopefully he is somewhere calming down and reflecting on his poor behaviour.

BUT if he meant what he said yesterday then I agree with the posters that you will be better off without him. You have a home and job and will cope. Get in touch with people in RL/family who can offer you support. Will check in later.

YouLostMeThere · 04/11/2015 06:47

Can't really offer any advice, I too am scared of the single parent situation although not there yet. Am sending you virtual hugs, stay strong. It does sound like he doesn't deserve his beautiful kids if he can behave like that. X

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 06:48

Thank Malamutes. The worse thing is I don't even know how to contact him.

I've hardly slept. Its going to be a tough day

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Malamutes · 04/11/2015 06:53

just realised I didn't mention your children! I suggest not saying anything at all to them this morning. Can you just tell them DH left for work early? Just thinking until you have heard from DH and know what is actually happening best to keep quiet.

My boys were this age when their father cheated on me, I was at home when OW phoned me to tell me. Somehow I got through the the day, while looking after the boys without them realising what the hell was going on. In the very short term this will be possible and then when you are feeling stronger, with support, you can explain the situation to them.

Your kids sound wonderful as do you - handholding while making coffee, I suggest some for you too.

BeverlyGoldberg · 04/11/2015 06:55

I'll hold your hand Dora.

He sounds like a total toss pot. Using his children to get to you.

They sound like lovely kids, I'll be so proud if my babba ever gets an award for being the kindest kid in school. I'm gathering this is your influence, your parenting skills that have made your child so beautiful and kind? Not the parenting skills of a drama lama cockwomble? Not the work of a flouncing man child?

What I'm trying to say is it you can do this alone if he doesn't return. It sounds to me like you might have been doing it alone for some time anyway without really realising.

You can make a stable happy home for them and they will thank you for it.

Malamutes · 04/11/2015 06:56

If you need to contact him have you tried friends etc. DH didn't come home one night, I was frantic, turned out he was safely locked up in jail for drink driving!

You may be wondering what the hell type of man I married!!! Well I am currently trying to divorce him. I know I will be OK as will my boys, gonna be tough but realise that I can and will get through it and be so much happier the other side! Didn't mean to make this about me but thought it might help. Will check in lunch time and hope to hear that you are OK.

changeoflife · 04/11/2015 06:58

The first days/weeks are the worst. Panic sets in and the enormity of the situation becomes a reality. But you do come through it .Keep yourself busy. Tell friends. Lean on anyone you can. People I found, are happy to help.

I am 3 years on from my ex-h shock exit, children were 5 & 2 at the time. Life goes on. Differently from how you had anticipated or planned, but it does go on. I wouldn't have my exh back for all the rea in China in. Not a chance. But in those early days I probably would have fallen at his feet and sobbed with gratitude if he'd have tried to reconcile. In hindsight a reconciliation would have been delaying the inevitable and we would have split up further down the road anyway.

KOKO. You and your dc will be fine. I second telling the school. Also see a solicitor if you have joint finances and to get your child access agreements in place. Doing all these things made me feel stronger even if on the inside I was dying.

TooSassy · 04/11/2015 06:59

OP. You'll get plenty of handholding here.

don't tell your DC's anything yet. Just say he's moved out for a while. Nothing concrete. Unfortunately your job is now to emotionally insulate your children from his fuckwittery. Until you know more. Less is more.
do you have any joint accounts/ credit cards with overdraft facilities. If so shut them down first thing.
as another poster has said. Hope for the best whatever that is) and plan for the worst.
It's actually a positive that he has posted the keys back into the house (I know that sounds wrong but hear me out). Does he have another set? The amount of posters who find themselves in this situation but the partners refuse to move out is huge. Causes a lot of stress. If he's done, then it's good you have this space to think.
is there any RL support you can call on?

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 07:02

Thank you Beverly. I am going a bit nuts here waiting for the kids to wait up. They are wonderful.

he was actually a very good parent a lot of the time - and i know he loves them. But he has cut people out of his life before (including an ex partners kid who he had a relationship with). he just can't seem to cope with the responsibility.

And yes, I did a lot of the work

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Ledkr · 04/11/2015 07:06

The above advise is good and accurate as to how you will feel.
The fact your immediate thoughts are fit your kids will carry you through. I was the same, I work with troubled kids and didn't want mine to be badly affected.
To be honest he sounds a nightmare.
I was devastated when my ex left but my life has been amazing since and I often say thankyou to God that the fuckwit left because I hibestky think I'd have just stayed with him and his selfish and childish ways!!
So although this hurts, it maybe the start of a better life for you and the chikdren.

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 07:07

Malamutes - thanks. I am sorry to hear you are divorcing but you sound very strong and an inspiration

Change of life - that is how I feel. I think I am to blame for him walking - trust issues. But I am not to blame for him threatening to hurt the kids.

Toosassy - no joint accounts. He is also a financial black hole. The house is jointly owned though and if he doesn't pay his debts - which he won't be able to if he has jacked in his job, he will end up going bankrupt. So I need to get him to transfer the house to me - if I can afford it. Or I suppose the creditors will sell it and take his cut - which is not much

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