Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DP has walked out - how best to cope with the children

78 replies

ditherydora · 03/11/2015 23:31

my "D" P left this morning after a row. He said I would not see him again and neither would the DDs - who are 8 and 4. I have no particular reason not to believe him. I probably should have name changed but I have had too much to care.

So, if he has gone for good, how do I minimise the fall out for the kids. The youngest wont be that bothered, I think, but DD1 adores her dad.

OP posts:

GingerIvy · 04/11/2015 07:07

If he told you he jacked in his job, he may have been lying. He sounds selfish and self centred so would he really leave himself without funds?

Ledkr · 04/11/2015 07:08

Sorry for typos, I just woke up

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 07:13

I am pretty certain he has left his job. I have seen an appointment reminder to sign on come up on his tablet, which he left. I will have to phone his manager today to check

OP posts:

GingerIvy · 04/11/2015 07:22

So he walks out repeatedly when things get tough and leaves you to deal alone with the dcs, quits his job leaving which will be a huge financial hit, and says he won't see his dcs again? Please tell me you are not actually hoping he comes home again??

LurcioAgain · 04/11/2015 07:39

Sorry for the shit you're going through OP. And your children sound brilliant.

I'm posting to tell you my dad's story. His dad did something very similar. He did a runner when my dad was 7 or 8. My dad says in retrospect he thinks (and he saw the damage done to my half sister by her dad playing mind games with her to get at my mum) that a clean break did less damage. He knew his dad was a selfish fucker but he knew that was his dad's choice and nothing to do with him. He reckons the head fuck of having someone selfish who is manipulative enough to pretend to be a nice guy and leave the child with all sorts of divided loyalties and guilt is worse ("are the times when he's nasty my fault?" rather than the times the mask slipped).
Hugs - the first days and weeks will be so hard for you. Your job is to protect your children, and I know you will do it brilliantly just as my gran did (I know from conversations with her before she died the extent to which she protected my dad from the sheer shittiness of his dad's behaviour). Good luck, and find friends and family to look after you.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/11/2015 07:54

Are you saying he left last night, but there's already an appointment reminder to sign on, on his tablet? And you think he has already left his job? Sounds like this has been planned, not just slamming out after an argument.
Presumably he's having some sort of crisis. But really,what sort of bloke walks out, quits his job so he can't support his children, and says he won't see them again? You're well shot of him. And you don't need to tell the children today if you don't feel up to it, or if you're not certain.
Keep posting here for hand holding, but you will be fine.

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 08:00

He quit his job yesterday morning. It's not planned but he may well have thought about it before.

He is having a crisis. I think our relationship is probably past saving and that isn't only his fault. But I didn't ever think he would go non contact with the kids. I am hopi g he changes his mind on that

OP posts:

Malamutes · 04/11/2015 11:40

Hi Dora, how are you? Any news? I can tell you have so much on your mind which is understandable but try and take little steps. I have a feeling that it is unlikely he will go NC with kids, maybe he is just being over dramatic? But until you know for certain what his plans are just concentrate on you and your gorgeous kids. Did they get to school ok? Are you now at work?

Some advice I got when the shit hit the fan was to be kind to myself; I think we often put ourselves last, at the absolute bottom of priorities and think that our happiness isn't important. But it is. Children deserve to have happy parents and we deserve to be happy. I know that his probably difficult for you to imagine at the moment that one day you will be smiling and laughing again but somebody as lovely sounding as you will be!

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 12:15

Aww thanks. Am blubbing again now. I am working from home so not too bad. Eldest is at school. Little one still at nursery. No news. If I do hear anything it will be at least 3 days I reckon. I've realised I can't just let him disappear as we need to sort out the house and I have all his company documents.

OP posts:

hefzi · 04/11/2015 13:57

Don't have any advice (apart from a blunt object, a spade and a new patio - kidding!) but saw your post and just wanted to send some hugs your way.

Of course you're going to feel totally lousy at the moment, so go ahead and cry - you're in a horrible situation, and no matter what my mother used to say, crying does sometimes help.

In the meantime, get your paperwork in order, and get a good solicitor.

Hang in there :-)

Phoenix69 · 04/11/2015 15:45

Just caught up on this and wanted to see how you were getting on.

I'm sure he'll come round on the NC for kids and as Malamutes said - be kind to yourself you deserve happiness and it's time to move on.

We all need a loving relationship and a partner who is there to help us and not cause a drama.

Hope all works out tonight and over the next few days.

Blossomflowers · 04/11/2015 16:29

Hey Dora Just saw your post, big hugs, any news from the self entitled knob. It never ceases to amaze me how cold men can be. He sounds like a total man child but hopefully for you poor kids sakes he will get in touch.

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 18:20

Manchild wants to come and collect his work stuff tonight after the kids are asleep. His only communication by text. I don't think I can handle it.

Sadly I am just as guilty of drama, although I have never threatened or actually flounced out.

If he comes over and just takes his stuff and leaves I will freak out.

OP posts:

pointythings · 04/11/2015 18:58

Bag up his stuff and put it outside the door. You don't have to see him. Tosser.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 04/11/2015 19:55

Let him have his stuff and leave.
Don't chase after him or try to contact him.
Let him stew in his own juices.

He needs to see the reality of what he has chosen. If you are still contacting him then he can pretend he hasn't lost anything

If he is going to see his kids he will if not you cannot make him ...so like I say until.you have an urgent business, practical or financial need to contact him, just leave it.

He is hoping you will beg him to stay so he can come back entirely on his own terms.

Be kind to yourself. And although it is hard to put on brave face have lovely times with your dc. They will see you through and you them.

There are worse things than being a sp, believe me.

DiscoDiva70 · 04/11/2015 20:20

Do you know where he's staying Dora?
I don't want to upset you more but I'm wondering if there's someone else,

Original poster

ditherydora · 04/11/2015 21:30

Thanks again for everyone who has posted. its been a massive support to me over the last 24 hours.

I've decided not to let him come and get his stuff tonight. its not critical, he has money and it will only get me worked up into a state, even if bag it up and leave it outside. I need to get rid of some of this adrenaline and calm down.

SmallLegs - nothing he's done has suggested he is remotely interested in coming back. I don't have any huge problem with being a single parent but I would like my kids to have a relationship with their father. But as you say I cannot make him.

Disco - no idea where he is staying. i would guess a hotel. I don't think there is someone else - but who knows? In a way it would be a relief as it would be a more rational explanation for his behaviour.

OP posts:

DiscoDiva70 · 05/11/2015 07:05

Well Dora, tbh I think it's quite likely somethings going on because he's behaviour seems way to odd to just up and walk out for nothing to go to iyswim?

I think you should start taking action and sort out paper work, passports etc and put anything important in a safe place, empty your joint account and see a solicitor for the correct advice, you can get a free half hour one usually in any area.

Original poster

ditherydora · 05/11/2015 13:54

It is an odd reaction. But I don't see why he would leave himself without an income if he was involved with someone else. It is more likely to be a breakdown. My biggest fear is of a suicide risk.

OP posts:

Blossomflowers · 05/11/2015 14:28

Dora Keep strong. I think you are right to distance yourself for the moment, emotions are running high sure things would escalate if Man Child came to get his stuff. For now bed lie in it, bloody knob. Would not focus on the Suicide thing too much, it is unlikely though it is not your job to save him right now. How you feeling?

Leeza2 · 05/11/2015 14:50

The most important things

1 . Look after yourself , eat , drink , sleep , go easy on the wine. Get meds from the doctor if you need them . Tell all your friends and supportive family.

Keep everything stable for the kids . This means keeping a roof over their heads . Do you have a joint account or cards with your DP? If so , empty the joint account and put into your own. Stop all joint cards now .

If he's not back by the weekend , tell the kids that he's left and is living elsewhere . You don't know where and he won't tell you or talk to you, but you know he is safe . And that he says he's not coming back but you don't know what will happen . That they will still live in your home with you and everything else will stay the same . And that it's not their fault - it's for adult reasons , maybe to do with his work . It's not because of anything they have done or not done - this is the Most Inportant Thing for them to hear .

And it's ok to be angry or sad.

You can't go on lying to them , they will guess there's something wrong and imagine something worse than the truth , like he's dead .

Keep reassuring them that nothing else will change and it's not their fault .

See a lawyer

Malamutes · 05/11/2015 17:50

Hi Dora, how are you and the children? Have you had a chance to think? Or speak / see people in RL. Support for yourself is crucial. Has your DH got a sensible best mate who you can talk to, maybe using a third party you find out what the hell he is doing; this might help with your worry that he is going to do something silly.

You, like me and most other women worry about their DH, even though they are the complete arses who fuck everything up. We are going to couples counselling to help him realise where he went wrong and for him to have support. Madness.

Original poster

ditherydora · 05/11/2015 22:29

hello Malamutes - I have been okayish. I've had a few panic attacks but I am not a mess. We all went out and did sparklers for fireworks night. The kids have been much better than I expected. DD2 has gone a bit wild but i think that is because we have been going to bed late. DD1 has been so brave and just amazing. She has even asked what will happen if daddy doesn't come back but not freaked out. She is missing her dad and upset but so has her shit together. I am in awe of her really.

I am worrying, mainly because P was going to email about stuff he wanted to pick up and I haven't heard from him for 24 hours.

I have had wonderful support from friends in RL, and from my boss who has basically given me carte blanche to work from home as much as I want. I am so bloody lucky to have the job I have.

Leeza - thanks for your concerns. There is nothing to worry about on the financial/ practical front in the short term. At some point if he doesn't come back I will have to start working full time but thanks to the BoE interest committee I now won't have to do that until next year and I might have had to do that anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

ditherydora · 06/11/2015 01:12

right, this takes the biscuit. He has put conditional call forwarding on his mobile so that it redirects to the house phone. What a manipulative shitty thing to do.

OP posts:

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 06/11/2015 01:17

Were you trying to call him? And it forwards to your house? Or does it do that whoever is trying to call him?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread