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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm too timid & afraid to tell my boss to STOP touching me!! :(

60 replies

savemethelastbrownie · 03/11/2015 17:49

Hey...not sure how to start this.

I better not say too much as don't want to be recognised. Basically I am being touched at work and need ideas about what to say to get him to stop. I am no good at confrontation and can't lose this job til I get another one as my financial situation is dire. I've tried telling him I don't want to be touched but he doesn't take me seriously.

What are good things to say to stop unwanted attention?

When I say touching, I mean he'll start rubbing my back, he'll smack me on my bum, he tries to put his hands on my thighs, he tries to pull me down to sit on his lap. Stands really close behind me, is always trying to get me to hug him.

Thanks Flowers

OP posts:
christinarossetti · 03/11/2015 17:51

He's not 'touching' you so much as sexually harrassing you.

Do you have co-workers? A line manager? HR dept to report this absolutely unacceptable behaviour to?

Write down every incident that you remember (and that you've told him to stop) and take it to either your line manager or HR first thing tomorrow.

Almostfifty · 03/11/2015 17:51

Stop being timid and say, 'Stop that now, or I'll report you for sexual harrassment.'

Then report him anyway. He'll the one that should lose his job, not you.

MinesAPintOfTea · 03/11/2015 17:51

Is he the busiiness owner or a manager within a larger organization?

If the later I'd speak to the police, but that only works if there is a system above him.

WitchWay · 03/11/2015 17:51

This is abusive & inappropriate as you already know Sad. Is there a colleague who could support you? Could you approach his boss?

Have you tried just saying a firm "no"? Some men take silence as acquiescence Angry

hesterton · 03/11/2015 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orlakielyimnot · 03/11/2015 17:52

It's sexual harassment. Report it.

WitchWay · 03/11/2015 17:53

I see you have already told him. He is an arse. Agree with recording all incidents. Try kneeing him in the balls & screaming I would

DoreenLethal · 03/11/2015 17:54

What the fuck!

What is the set up - is he the main owner, in which case you need to go to the police. Otherwise HR.

Original poster
savemethelastbrownie · 03/11/2015 17:56

Thanks for advice, much appreciated. I'm too scared to say too much as don't want to be discovered but there is no HR, he is the business owner and there is no one higher, its a small company and I work in the office at the back. With him mostly.
I'm applying for jobs daily so fingers crossed I'll be out of here soon.

I've been abused when I was younger by a male friend of the family and an ex bf raped me, this triggers me ALL the time :( I think he senses I am vulnerable.

am going to try your suggestions, thanks so much.

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 03/11/2015 17:56

Does your boss have a boss if so without question report it. If not you need to shout at him 'get your fucking hands off me, if you touch me again I will phone the police' or kick him in the balls. what an asshole he is.

WitchWay · 03/11/2015 17:57

Wear sharp heels & "accidentally" step on his foot when he's too close behind you. Keep saying no - say it loudly enough for other people to hear. Keep the office door open if you have to go in to him - take a colleague with you if possible.

iklboo · 03/11/2015 18:01

Keep telling him - loudly - to stop
Say VERY LOUDLY - 'why are you touching me? Stop it, I don't want you to touch me. Never touch me again'
Keep a diary of incidents
Contact ACAS
Report to police

Don't let fear of losing your job stop you from speaking out.

sugar21 · 03/11/2015 18:04

Try to make sure you are as far away from the pig as possible and yes an accidently on purpose heel on the foot is good. He is harrassing you and needs reporting

kittybiscuits · 03/11/2015 18:07

'Get off me you fucking pervert!'. Very sorry this is happening to you x

goddessofsmallthings · 03/11/2015 18:08

He's doing it because he's a self-entitled perv who's sensed your vulnerability
and believes he can get away with it because you're unlikely to speak out.

Tell him that if he doesn't stop you'll report his sexual harassment to the police and take action for constructive dismissal as you can no longer tolerate his unwarranted and unwanted behaviour towards you.

Do you have a significant other, a well-built db, or a stocky male friend who can come to collect you from work so that he can see you're not as vulnerable as he believes and he might be heading for a spot of fisticuffs certain repercussions if he persists?

AnyoneButAndre · 03/11/2015 18:09

Get a wedge for the door (actually I'd take a screwdriver to a hinge) and yes, I'm afraid you have to get very very loud and clear. Keep a diary and report to the police the instant you hand in your notice. Very best of luck.

Arfarfanarf · 03/11/2015 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 03/11/2015 18:17

If you leave, you should tell the police.

I would invest in something like this spy camera and I would report to the police when there's footage.

Original poster
savemethelastbrownie · 03/11/2015 18:17

These are great ideas and have given me more confidence to deal with this. Please don't think I am stupid or naive but I never thought of it as sexual assault as he is kind of an old friend from ten years ago or so, and is a nice guy in every other way. Guess there is no 'type' of person that can assault someone though is there. I just thought of him as being inappropriate but do you think the police would really take it seriously?

I have a DH yes, and he knows this and has met him a few times but doesn't seem bothered by him even though he is a tall guy and could be intimidating. I haven't told DH. As silly as it sounds, I feel ashamed :(

Good idea Arf about leaving a browser open, am going to try that tomorrow, and will start a diary.
Sorry if I havent replied directly to each reply, am half cooking dinner for the kids and don't want anyone to see what I'm writing, but every single reply is helpful thank you.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 03/11/2015 18:21

You have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of and I suggest you offload to your dh as I'm more than sure he won't want you working for this sleazy tosser for a moment longer than necessary.

However, that said, get as much evidence as you can - leave your phone on record and invest in a spy camera, they're cheap as chips on eBay.

ImperialBlether · 03/11/2015 18:30

If you keep a diary, use Word and password protect it.

Check here for information on constructive dismissal. You might like to post on Legal for more advice about that, though.

I really think you need to talk to your husband about it. There's absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of.

Original poster
savemethelastbrownie · 03/11/2015 18:39

I'll try to talk to him tonight but he will probably go mad and might even want to speak to the guy - ie have a big bust up with him.

Thanks for the link for the spy cam and also for constructive dismissal, will read up on that tonight.

Silly question, but WHY do you think he would do this? I've made it obvious I'm not interested over the years but he still persists, even though I visibly cringe when he touches me. What would he get out of it?

OP posts:
Artioo2 · 03/11/2015 18:39

He believes he can get away with it because you're unlikely to speak out.

This is very likely, especially if he's a kind of old friend. He probably thinks that gives him some kind of special privileges. It's hard but you need to speak out. Don't prove him right

I would start by telling him again that you want his behaviour to stop. Practice beforehand - no smiling, no nervous friendliness, serious tone, eye contact, and clearly and slowly list the behaviour that you want to stop, as you did above. Give him no room to think you are not completely serious. This is about power, and you can take it back. Good luck, it's a horrible situation.

Original poster
savemethelastbrownie · 03/11/2015 18:46

Thanks Artioo yes I think you're right that he thinks he has special privileges - he seems jealous of DH too if I mention him. He also turns lots of things I say into some kind of innuendo even if I meant it innocently.

Will practice in the mirror maybe first, just worried he'll make it an awkward atmosphere after but can't be much worse than this!

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 03/11/2015 19:03

you do need to tell your dh, whatever his reaction may be.

i like arf's idea of leaving the browser open at acas.

you need to get angry to get the strength to deal with this arse. he's enjoying his power over you. it's a power game that turns him on. how dare he take advantage because you're an employee and you need the work? he's not allowed and he can get into trouble. you do have power and you can take it back.