I'm too timid & afraid to tell my boss to STOP touching me!! :(

[savemethelastbrownie]

Hey...not sure how to start this.

I better not say too much as don't want to be recognised. Basically I am being touched at work and need ideas about what to say to get him to stop. I am no good at confrontation and can't lose this job til I get another one as my financial situation is dire. I've tried telling him I don't want to be touched but he doesn't take me seriously.

What are good things to say to stop unwanted attention?

When I say touching, I mean he'll start rubbing my back, he'll smack me on my bum, he tries to put his hands on my thighs, he tries to pull me down to sit on his lap. Stands really close behind me, is always trying to get me to hug him.

Thanks

You must talk to your husband ASAP so the silly arse can't suggest that it's been going on for ages so you must have been agreeing to it hope he gets thumped

Could you send him an email? Say something like, 'John, you will remember that I have asked you to stop touching me as it makes me feel very uncomfortable. You have carried on with this and I am now asking you again to stop touching me and keeping your creepy hands to yourself so we can continue to work productively.'

Maybe this doesn't work but it does give you some evidence and if he ignores it you have an opening point the next time. 'John, I meant what I said in my email.'

The next time just scream really loudly and say you are extremely sensitive to touch. Repeat.

Then get the fuck out of there.

Stop washing

Matilda's suggestion is an excellent one, OP. I would suggest the following addition: "John, you will remember that I have asked you to stop touching me as it makes me feel very uncomfortable. It is sexual harassment."

Here's a couple of links for you:
www.acas.org.uk/media/pdf/o/c/Bullying-and-harassment-at-work-a-guide-for-employees.pdf
www.safeworkers.co.uk/sexualharassmentwork.html
worksmart.org.uk/work-rights/discrimination/sexual-harassment

You can definitely do this OP, I am rooting for you personally. [clenched fist emoticon]

I think you need to leave your job. You are super vulnerable, and less able than most to confront the sex pest because of your past.

Nobody should have to endure this.

Since you are on your way to finding a new job (and maybe your DH works as well?), you can hopefully survive financially without this job. But seriously, no job is worth this level of upset and degradation.

Please protect yourself and leave.

Some really good suggestions here and the ideal is of course getting another job asap. You do also need to tell DH. Don't be ashamed - it's not your fault and you shouldn't behave as if it is. In fact it will look worse if you don't tell him. Please do so.

Can you physically move away from him when he is near you? So every time he walks towards you, get up and move further away. If possible move towards a door so you can't be cornered and could just walk out into another area if needs be. Just do this without comment. If he says anything, say that he can talk to you without standing right next to you. You could also reiterate then that you don't want him to touch you. What you do not have to do is sit/stand there and endure it.

As for how to deal with his harassment: it has to be done clearly, firmly, and in the moment. You need to describe what he is doing, clearly and unambiguously (so that no-one can misinterpret, laugh it off, or gaslight you), and demand an end to it. Like so:

"Take your hand OFF my thigh. Now."

"You just swatted my bum. I'm not happy. Do NOT do that."

"No, I am not going to sit in your lap. Leave me be."

"Are you trying to give me a back rub? Stop that. Keep your hands to yourself."

He will try to act like you are imagining things or that you can't take a joke. Don't smile, don't apologise, don't back down: just keep repeating those simple sentences: "I don't like it. Stop it."

I'm afraid it's very likely that there'll be an awkward atmosphere after you bring it up again. It would be the obvious way for him to try and regain the power - make you feel uncomfortable until you cave in and try to placate him. Then he can tell himself it was all a silly mood on your part and it'll be back to square one. Instead, you need to be so ready for the awkward atmosphere that you can just float above it obviously not giving a shit (even if you feel awkward inside) because you are in the right and any awkwardness is entirely his fault. Just keep asking yourself, which is worse? An awkward atmosphere or some bloke continuing to touch you when you don't want him to?

Thanks everyone, I've read every reply and suggestion - all fantastic and supportive so thank you.

Matilda - You mentioned telling him I'm sensitive to touch, yes have tried this. I've said I have really sensitive skin and hate being touched by anyone. He said "I bet you let DH touch you though". Really pissed me off when he said that! Everytime he touches me now I flinch and move away or say "Please, I really don't want to be touched" and he will stop, but says "Aww whats wrong I'm only doing it as a friend". I'll then change the subject.

ErniesGhostly - LOL funny you should mention about stopping washing; whilst I haven't gone that far, I have stopped wearing makeup when I go as it's ten times worse when I do and I get comments all day about who I've dressed up for, and I cover up as much as possible.

Uglyswan - Thanks for those links, they are fab and I'm looking at them now in between typing.

RiceCrispie - Brilliant phrasing, that's exactly what I needed, some actual examples of what I can say to him so I'm assertive without losing control, if I could record me saying those too I think it'd help.

I know I need to tell DH, I just can predict what'll happen. We aren't in the best place at the mo, far from it, but he will go nuts if I tell him this and I know he'll say for me never to go back there and we NEED the money. Plus he'll probably confront him and it could escalate. I'm also scared he'll think I'm encouraging it because I haven't put a stop to it, but I honestly panic when he does it and it just reminds me of the other times I've lost power sexually in the past. I kind of freeze emotionally. I'll try to talk to him in a bit.

And yes, I'm fully expecting the atmosphere to change at work once I assert myself, which is why I'm trying to get out of there asap!!

That's a tough one, OP. Your DH really has to support you with this, not add to your anxiety about it. And he can't just tell you to never go back there, that's not his decision to make. Would it help if you worked out a game plan for yourself first - email, or verbal self-defense as RiceCrispie suggested and presented it to him as "DH, I'm being sexually harassed at work, here's the strategy I've come up with - can you suggest anything else?" Could you get him to practice verbal comebacks with you so that you feel more confident actually using them? I'm hoping that if you present him with the problem and involve him in the solution that he might be more supportive.

With the cuts in legal aid coupled with more and more women on low wages with no job security/zero hour contracts......it is the perfect climate for creeps like this to sexually harass women.

Do you have his email. I'll gladly damn well tell the disgusting predator to keep his hands off you.
This is very serious sexual!abuse, and it can't be allowed to go on. His behavior is not only illegal but also immoral.
Get all your evidence and call HR and also ACAS.

Indeed Helena. Another great example of this governments dastardly war on women.

Surely cutting legal aid, thus opening people to abuse and potential abuse has got to a breach of the ECHR act.
Somewhere along the line. Surely to God. How are they (government) getting away with such a lack of safe guarding.

You will feel better once you have told your dh and dong feel like you're pretending to him. The guy may say something about 'you don't want your dh to know about this' and try and make it feel like you have something to hide. You need to be able to reply! Something like he does, he thinks you should be in jail and ive had to ask him not to punch you as I don't think assault is the answer.

I think Timeisnotaline may have something. It's appalling that you are so disempowered that you have to resort to something like this but maybe tell your boss that you HAVE told your DH and he wants to punch him . It may bring about all the change you need. Failing that, in your shoes I think I would try the emailing him as suggested by PP and if that doesn't cut it out, I would come up with some way of videoing him or at least voice recording him. I would then sit him down and make him listen to it and tell him straight that you are going to the cops unless his behaviour is professional only from now on. Perhaps join a union. I joined a union after I have trouble at work and made damn sure they knew about it. All is sweet since then. We are still in the dark ages with this sort of thing and it makes me so angry. If you had a recording of him, if he sacked you, you would have some evidence against him.

You have my sympathy OP. I second giving us this cunts email so we can " explain " what he's doing is horrific. Keep coming on here so at least we can keep supporting you emotionally. You are not there to be made to feel like this. Hold on to that thought and try and turn it to anger!

I would log all these incidents and look for another job. I hppe that you get a new one. One thing is though you will need to log this with the police at some point, you won't be the only person he's tried it on.

Please contact Womens Aid and enrol to do their Freedom Programme.
You have been through some awful things and this should help you.
If you don't want to attend the course (it's far better to attend) then you can do it online.

I think a very loud 'FUCK OFF' every time is the way forward. Get angry and get shouty.

Does this revolting specimen have a wife? I wonder what she would think don't think of telling her oh no no

Sorry for the late response, I had to call in sick today as I just couldn't face going so went over to my sisters house and my other sister and mum came over too. Spoke to them all and they were horrified. They begged me not to go back and said they'll all look out for jobs for me. One of my sisters is on maternity leave but said there are jobs at her place so she'll ask her friend who works there for me.

My mum wanted to ring him up and have a go at him! I have decided not to go back, and told him today that I quit, effective immediately. I've just said there are family issues that have suddenly come up and I'm no longer available at all. My mum has a friend who needs some casual work done at her business and I can do it from home, just admin - and can start on Monday. Won't be highly paid but will keep me going for a bit until I (hopefully) hear from somewhere else I've applied.

Thanks so much to everyone for offering to email him Tbh I think my mum is going to phone him at work and say something, I don't especially want her to but I can't stop her as shes livid and am hoping it will give him a shock not to do this again. Am really grateful for the replies and advice - if it wasn't for this thread I wouldn't have told anyone or had the push I needed to get out of there

Witchway no he doesn't have a wife, he's divorced and I don't know his ex, he's single so no one I can tell who would be affected by it.

Good news! Let your mum have a rant at him - he might think again before trying to grope his next employee!

Ha yes I hope so, I know it sounds stupid but I'm worrying how he'll react, but at least I won't have to face him. I had decided just to call in sick this morning but after seeing my family they were so disgusted I realised I couldn't face going back there. In a way I'm disappointed I didn't have the courage to confront him but I honestly just don't feel able.

I think I'd try to write an email that tells him that whilst you said you were leaving for family issues, that's because you were speaking to him and couldn't face telling him the truth, in person.

And that actually, you've left because of his continued inappropriate behaviour towards you. That you have asked him many times not to touch you or stroke you or pull you to sit on his lap or to get out of your personal space [insert a list of all of them, bullet point them so he can see quite how many wrong things he has done] but not only has he not listened to you, he has tried to persuade you that it's normal behaviour between friends. Which it's not. And he's your boss - it's certainly not normal between a boss and a member of his staff. He has dismissed your worries, and continues to behave inappropriately.

Then say that you're not prepared to put up with his sexual harrassment any more, which is why you're leaving immediately. If you're owed any leave, make sure that you get this paid to you in lieu of not taking it.

If he demands that you go back in - be prepared to go to the doctor and get signed off sick.

Have you got any personal stuff left at work - any way of getting hold of it when he is not there? If not, can you take your dh or mum or somebody to help you and ensure that he doesn't try to really go for it if he thinks that's the last chance he has to see you.

It sounds like he fancies you and wants you and thinks that being your boss should give him personal priviledges akin to those that you bestow upon your dh. He doesn't care what you think - he's only thinking of his own needs.

Good luck!

OP, well done! You've taken a crucial step - and it's paid off: You don't have to work there anymore, you don't have to see his creepy face anymore and you won't ever have deal with his revolting whiny attempts at justifying his bullshit when your mum (fistbump to her!) gives him a well-deserved piece of her mind. And you did this. You got yourself the support you need and deserve and you managed to get yourself out of this crappy situation. Confronting him isn't your job - don't worry about it. Some people hate conflict, others positively thrive on it. Leave the warrior spiel to those people and look after yourself!