Partner says he will abandon his daughter if we separate

[gingerfinn]

My partner of ten years and I often talk about separating. Our DD just turned two. The main reason I haven't left him is because he says that if we separate, he will move overseas to pursue his career and not see his daughter again.

My father was largely absent. I don't want my DD to go through the same grief and low self esteem. It would break my heart to deny her a relationship with her father. I realise it's his choice whether or not he has a relationship with his child, but he's managed to put the weight of that decision onto my shoulders. DD adores him.

We have very little in common, no shared interests, and he hasn't put any effort into our relationship for a very, very long time. When he's not overseas working, all we do together is look after our DD, go out to lunch, and sit on the sofa in the evenings. His career is everything to him, he has no interests outside of his work.

He is also quite controlling and lately we are constantly arguing because he thinks our DD is spoilt because she has the odd tantrum. She's a toddler! I wonder how he will cope with her naturally assertive personality as she gets older and refuses to tow his line.

When we argue he says we are only together for her and we're living separate lives. It's always him that raises the idea of separating but he thinks it's up to me to decide. Also, we've decided to move to a different city next year to be closer to family, but he refuses to put any of his savings into buying our new family home. He can't explain why but denies it has anything to do with a lack of commitment to our family.

I'm posting this hoping to find out if anyone has been in a similar situation, or if someone can offer a fresh perspective. I keep going over things in my head and getting nowhere. I feel trapped.

I was going to say what has already been said multiple times. :)

When DD grows up you'll have issue no doubt but there will come a time when she'll see you did everything you could and it was her Sperm donor dad that buggered off.

What a shit.

Agree with every reply. You and your dd deserve better. You will be happier on your own. Tray me I've been there!

Sorry you're going through this. He's using emotional blackmail, Your Daughter doesn't need to witness this type of relationship. You can't take any responsibility for his actions only your own. Make the best life you can for yourself and your Daughter and leave him to self destruct.

Start your plan to move to a new city as per your OP without telling him.

See a solicitor about what his financial contribution should be.

Once you have everything organised sit down and tell him (not ask/discuss) what's going to happen and how much he should pay each month and how to separate any finances.

YOU need to take the initiative here and present him with fait accompli.

Ultimately it was knowing it was better for my DC if I left that motivated me to go. It would be better for your DD to have limited or no contact with a man like that. Time apart will teach her that his way is not the only or best way.

Like everyone else, I think you and your daughter would be better off without this man. Check this website to see if he is going to a country with a reciprocal child support arrangement with the UK - hopefully he won't be ale to abandon his financial responsibilities as easily he can his child. Get your ducks in a row now - is he on her birth certificate? If so, see if you need his co-operation to get her a passport, for example, before he leaves.

Good luck.

I suggest you start thinking about paperwork, get copies of any joint bank/ house/ savings docs. birth cert & passport & give them to someone trustworthy, do not keep in your house. open a new bank account (secret with statements on line) any personal money can be put aside there.
Change log in on computer/phone, undo any "cloud" you may have together, so that your private conversations & documents remain private.
make appointment with legal/bank people & start getting organised.
If you don't have an income, or won't when you move, you need to see what you are entitled to in benefits.
Move on, Be happy.

OP, He has already made the decision to abandon her, and you. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you to be able to say that it was you that caused it, not his own selfishness. If you stay, life will become more and more unbearable as he continues to try and force you to break up with him and release him of his duties and take the blame.

Do it now whilst you still have a life to live and your daughter does.

Gingerfinn, if you decide to part, don't forget that divorces are like weddings, you need to plan ahead, save the money and change some things in preparation for your new life.

So if you are unhappy and this relationship has no future, how about starting planning your new life in a place where you have a supportive network to raise your DD? Little things at a time, it may take a few months or a few years, but unless he is violent you don't need to leave overnight, just leave when you are ready.

If you are not married, and in the excuse that he doesn't want to use her savings to get a house together, how about finding a little house, that you can afford single handedly, near your family?

He sounds exactly like my XH, right down to the working overseas and threatening to get on a plane and never seeing the DCs again if I ever left him.

I didn't know about Mumsnet when I got divorced, but what I did was to take my time to plan my exit and I think you should do that too. Position yourself in a location you want to be (good schools, family, friends). Photocopy everything financial you can lay your hands on (bank accounts, pensions, car insurance, salary slips etc). Go and speak to a lawyer for advice. It's not easy having conversations with a lawyer with a toddler at your feet; but don't worry because your DD is too young to remember any of it.

Inevitably, when I told him I wanted a divorce, XH threatened to disappear. He then threatened to sue for custody of the DCs. He said he would doctor his earnings so that he wouldn't have to pay maintenance and also threatened to tell the police I had attacked him (I hadn't!); so be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

It's many years later now and there hasn't been a single day when I've regretted my decision. XH has been a fickle presence in the DC's lives, but that's been his choice. I genuinely believe their lives would have been worse if we'd stayed together.

You cannot live your life to ransom like this. what will it be next? are you meant to subjugate your life to his for the rest of time, just so that he will consent to have interaction with his daughter ..... and from what you've said, some of that interaction is already difficult with his unrealistic expections. It'll get much more difficult when she grows up a bit.

The pain of an absent father can be considerable, but in this case, she will have a blackmailing and very controlling father who wants his wife to have a separate life from him, but let him do it all his way and also to invest only her savings in the house. The pain of a father like that is also considerable.

You know, maybe you should hang on for that house. Buy the house, make sure the mortgage is in your name (its near your family, right?), keep your paperwork together and then kick the scumbag out. Blackmailers are shit human beings. (get legal advice first!)

Kind of funny that he keeps suggesting you separate but that YOU make the decision and he won't have any more input into your daughter. I'm afraid this man just wants out, including from his daughter. Though she's perhaps better off in the long run without him.

All of you said exactly what my parents have been telling me for years. None of you made me do what I did tonight so please don't feel any responsibility. The strong consensus of opinion did however make me realise how unhappy I am and that I need to change my life.

I got home from work tonight and he was having one of his little sulks because our DD wanted mummy and he felt rejected. I found myself calmly telling him I no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who is not committed to his family. It took a while to sink in and I had to say a few times, but he now understands that our relationship is over.

He is saying different things every few minutes. He will move overseas. Now he will rent a flat in London and see his DD. No, hang on, he's moving overseas. Or is he? He claims to be mentally ill and says he needs counselling. I reminded him I've been asking him to have counselling for years and he hasn't made the effort.

He refuses to stay in a hotel because that would make him kill himself. He wants to stay in the spare room while he finds a flat to rent. He asked for two weeks then got really angry when I said "Ok, you've got two weeks", because two weeks is not enough time and I'm being mean.

I now realise exactly how messed up he is. He is all over the place. He does not seem to know who he is. He confessed to having major problems coping with our DD and doesn't know how to be a Dad. He is jealous of my relationship with our DD and doesn't know how to deal with it.

He is a messed up little boy. He's 40 on the outside but 16 on the inside. I wanted to put my arms around him, but I already have one child to look after. I have no energy for another.

I have a headache.

That was brave, ginger. It takes guts.

However, he is a messed up man who likes to dominate you, and you are now slipping through his fingers. He is likely to get very erratic now - from begging to denial to self-pity to rage.

The rage could be dangerous. Please make sure you are always able to get out of the house with DD and a bag of essentials if necessary.

I agree let him go. It's his loss.

Here's the political side now coming out now though, but instead of hounding single parents why dont IDS Gideon and Call me Dave ever persue the feckless absent parent.

Sorry OP, but if he could actually do that, he isn't a good father at all. Whether with you and dd or abroad on his own.
If you want to leave then do it, when he says this again just tell him he will have to justify it to dd when she is older and call him a useless tosser with a penis the size of a small screw, on your way out.

I'd start teaching her now to fuck off men who don't value her.

First lesson - ditch the pale imitation of a father she has.

Congrats ginger. I predict that your life will vastly improve from this point onwards!

Plan quickly how to get the paperwork safe, ginger, and to separate your finances. When he reaches the angry stage, he could make a helluva lot of trouble.

Stay safe, ginger

This sounds like an unstable man who could do something desperate

if he frightens or intimidates you in any way, call the police

if he threatens to harm himself, call the police

for the sake of your daughter, he needs to leave ASAP...she should not be witnessing this

I don't wish to frighten you, but this

My exH told me he wouldn't bother seeing my DS if we split......and that's exactly what he did!
I spent the first 6 months after splitting nagging him to see DS which he did about 5 times, and then stopped.
He's not seen him for almost 2 years. After a year, he contacted me as he wanted to see him so I told him very clearly that if he wanted to be reintroduced into his son's life, then that would involve mediation ad I was not prepared to risk having any kind of fall out in front of DS and we needed ground rules on both sides to ensure this didn't happen. He refused this and I've not heard from him since.
Yes, my DS has had some issues with his emotions and missed his dad but now doesn't remember him or what he looks like. He views my new partner as his other parent and talks about the 3 of us as his family.

Stay safe OP. You did the right thing x

You've stated your case, now disengage. Don't debate, comfort, argue with, or advise him. If he starts in, remove yourself from the room.

Get all your important papers and items and get them out of the house. Store them with a friend or relative. If you have precious things, pictures, etc. do likewise. Change ALL computer, tablet, phone passwords and likewise for bank accounts. If you have a joint account, move 50% (or whatever you feel your fair share) to a sole account.

See a solicitor immediately regarding your home and maintenance for DD. Also to start mediation with regards to access. Whether you rent or are buying you need to clarify your position with regards to ownership, rental liability, residence, and/or to see what you may have to do to get him out. I don't care what he's said about two weeks, I'd be willing to bet that he won't leave. You may want to consider (if you're renting) whether you want to leave with DD. Above all put your and DD's safety first.

I 100% agree, if he threatens harm to himself, to you, to anyone call the police. If he breaks anything in anger, call the police.

Oh thank God you're doing this before you moved!

I too think you need to dis-engage.

He's had a long time to get his act together and refused to do so.

Your priority as you rightly say is your daughter.

It's hard to tell from a post if he is being emotionally manipulative or actually unstable but I think you perhaps need to assume the latter and keep safe.

Do you have any RL support near to you?

What an awful thing to even think. Unfortunately I can sympathise - I have a SD who's 'mother' has completely abandoned her because she wants to live with Dad. She has actually said those words and claimed she isn't a 'weekend mum'
Any parent who can abandon their child purely to spite an ex partner does not deserve to be called a parent